Archive for April 7th, 2009



The news gathering agents in society have put together the most important clip of the day, the comparison of Vice President Joe Biden and former President Bush throwing out first pitches from yesterday. Now I can sleep.


Some Opening Day Doppelgangers

Opening Day means that the MLB Extra Innings preview is on, meaning I can watch games all day long. Ah happiness!

Watching the many games means I find many more doppelgangers, which means you win!

Also, not to get sidetracked but, I want to get the MLB package, except my goddamn Optimum cable service doesn’t have even ONE HD channel available. Optimum is the absolute WORST. I FUCKING HATE IT. I thought I disliked Time Warner, but compared to Optimum it isn’t even close. How can you not add ONE HD channel, Time Warner does it, DirecTV does it, Comcast does it. Why does Cablevision insist on being the WORST FUCKING CABLE COMPANY!

Anyways. Here’s the doppelgangers, as ever, please vote in both polls below and then visit the (RECENTLY REDESIGNED!) permanent doppelgangers page.

Once a part of one of the worst trades in baseball history, Jeff Bagwell went on to become a Hall of Fame caliber player, winning one MVP, and nearly winning two more. According to Bill James’ calculations, Bagwell is the 4th best first baseman of all time. He is also one of the few players in the modern era to play his entire MLB career with one team. Recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, James Hetfield fronts rock legends Metallica. Once considered one of the most bad-ass groups of all time, Hetfield and Metallica as a whole lost much of their luster after filming the documentary Metallica: Some Kind of Monster, where it was clear that the band was made up of a bunch of whiny complaining brats. Still, Metallica knows how to thrash, even if their image has been forever marred.


I acknowledge this one is somewhat laced with spite, but is also something I’ve believed for a while; Mark Teixeira has a horse face. Out to earn the most dollars, and proving multiple times in subsequent interviews that he is a duplicitous person, Mark Teixiera also possesses prodigious power in his bat, Gold Glove caliber defense and is yet to contribute in any meaningful way for a contender. He’s also now on his 4th team. Captain is the Texas Rangers’ mascot, a giant horse who wears number “72” honoring the year the team moved to the Dallas area. I guess the horse represents the gloriousness of Texas and its lawmen. I’m more surprised it isn’t a gun that shoots fireworks and pees liquor. Which would be a GREAT mascot by the way. Anyways, I find it hard to tell which one is the horse and which the man.



Anna Kournikova Tries a Triathlon

Since retiring from tennis full-time, Anna Kournikova has found other ways to keep busy; for instance competing in the Second Annual Nautica South Beach Triathlon, which helps to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital. Isn’t that nice! Also, she wears spandex to do it. Isn’t that even nicer!


[Hollywood Tuna]


The Mets Don’t Care About Their Fans

snnews shea STATEN ISLAND LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALLWhen the New York Mets decided to cut seating capacity by 26 percent the regular fans weren’t the only ones getting kicked in the junk, the Mets also were meting out pain to 1,200 Little Leaguers. For the past 4 years, Queens Little Leagues have been involved in their own special day at Shea Stadium complete with a pre-game ceremony where the kids would get to line up around the field. I’ve been to these games, and the kids are always super psyched and it is the best thing to ever happen to them. I’d go nuts if I could have done this when I was a kid. NUTS!

Recognizing that getting these young fans now means getting them for life, the Mets have decided to CUT the promotion. Smooth.

Even the government — well, a State Senator, Frank Padavan, who represents Queens — is getting involved. “Some things transcend dollars and cents,” Padavan wrote in a letter, “Mr. Wilpon, I urge you to think of the youngsters who for years have enjoyed a day at the ballpark with their friends, teammates, coaches and parents and reconsider and do the right thing for the children. It’s a rite of passage that will leave a lifetime of memories.”

The Mets are in discussions with the Little League organizers right now, offering the kids can buy tickets, at normal cost, have no parade on the field and no other special treatment. So essentially the Mets are telling these kids to go fuck themselves. I almost want all of these Little Leaguers to become Yankee fans just because the Mets are such assholes.

“In light of the fact that the New York Mets organization enjoys generous tax breaks and subsidies from the state and the city that helped finance and build Citi Field, I believe like many others, that it is imperative that you give something back to the Queens community,” Padavan continued in his letter. “Maintaining your commitment and providing the full and adequate amount of discounted tickets to area Little Leagues is a step in the right direction.”

It’s unclear whether Padavan signed off his letter with the “You Money Grubbing Asshole,” epithet that Wilpon deserves.

[Queens Courier]


Let’s Hear it for the Dogs!

1326432274_c301e0e16bOpening Day yesterday is probably something of a holiday for the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council — a group whose BBQs you DEFINITELY want an invite to — after all, according to a statement they released, the NHDaSC predicts that 21,733,839 hot dogs will be sold at stadiums this season. That’s a whole lot of delicious pig anus!

Since everyone loves silly comparisons, the Council also explains that that many hot dogs would go around the bases 30,186 times and stretch to and from Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia and Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, FL, the two sites of the 2008 World Series.

Individually, the Fenway Frank is expected to be the best-selling and most popular dog in the land, with more than 1.5 million expected to be sold.

“There’s no question that hot dogs hit a grand slam year after year,” said Tom Super, spokesman for the Council. “The connection and nostalgia between hot dogs and baseball has been around for over a century. After all, hot dogs were Babe Ruth’s performance enhancing drug of choice.”

Buried in this press release were three other surprising items:

  1. They serve Rocky Mountain Oysters (fried bull testicles) at Coors Field in Denver
  2. The Phillie Phanatic has a specially made Hatfield Hot Dog Launcher that he uses to toss hot dogs into the stands.
  3. The Council is trying to amend “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” to include hot dogs in the lyrics.

[National Hot Dog and Sausage Council]


Rangers’ Owner Defaults on Bank Loans

84579878It must be tough being Texas Rangers and Dallas Stars owner Tom Hicks, after all, he is only the 701st richest person in the world and that type of thing can really stick in your craw. So, maybe that’s the reason why his holding company, which controls the Rangers and Stars has defaulted on loans totaling $525 million.

Hicks insists the move was deliberate, as a business strategy to get the banks to change the lending agreements and provide access to reserve accounts and a revolving line of credit. He also said that the whole thing is a “nonevent for the teams, fans, sponsors and vendors.” Of course, this news comes after rumors that Hicks has been actively seeking selling as much as a 49% minority stake in both teams. “We are simply asking the lenders to be reasonable. “Hicks said in an issued statement, “They need to understand that these important assets must be managed with long-term perspective and a commitment to winning.” That’s an interesting strategy, one the Rangers have eschewed since about 1999…

[Bloomberg and Luxist]


No Beer for You

Fans who want to keep Les Bon Temps Roulez in Toronto after last night’s shellacking of the Detroit Tigers are going to find their thirsts unsatiated at the Rogers Centre. Due to prior infractions, the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario informed Rogers Centre officials that for today’s game, the April 21 game against the Rangers and a Toronto Argos-Winnipeg Blue Bombers CFL game on August 1st the building’s liquor license will be suspended. If fans have tickets for those games and the thought of going an entire game without booze is too much to bear, they can exchange the tickets at the Jays box office.

[Toronto Sun]


The Houston Astros Draw The Big Stars

Like country music star Lyle Lovett! Say what you want about Lovett, but he somehow convinced Julia Roberts to elope with him after knowing him for all of three weeks, and his face looks like it was run through a blender, so that’s impressive…



A Bat Boy Jockey Doppelganger

Mentioned in passing yesterady, this doppelganger deserves its own specific post.

Liam Treadwell is a British-born jockey, who is in his debut steeplechase season, he rose to the nation’s consciousness when a BBC reporter insulted his teeth immediately following him winning on a 100-1 long shot. One of the most iconic stories from the now-defunct Weekly World News, the saga of Bat Boy also inspired a hit musical by the same name. These two men share an awfully similar resemblance. Please vote in the poll below so this doppelganger pair can join the others in the doppelganger forest.

And as ever, for a myriad of other doppelgangers, click here to go to the dedicated Doppelgangers page.


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April 2009