Archive for August, 2008

31
Aug
08

Future MILF Delivers Sports News

Via Deadspin comes this fantastic video of John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin (nee Heath) in 1988 when, for a brief period of time she served as a local news sports reporter. Her hair is fantastic, her accent is atrocious and her commentary is subpar. She provides recaps for such exciting events like the Iditarod, Big Ten basketball and University of Alaska hockey scores, sounds like quite an evening of sports. Also, Palin, who has a nice MILF thing going for her now, back then, if you can look past the 7 cans of hairspray, kinda has it going on. If she were elected, it would mark the first time that the Vice-President actually got me excited, although probably not the for the reason that the Republican’s are hoping. I wonder how many times she and that SUPER hot and awesomely mustachioed anchor got down to business time in their dressing rooms before going on-air.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

That Mets/Dodgers game clip though IS hilarious. I actually recommend that the Shea grounds crew start turning on the sprinklers during the games now, it’s certainly better than having to watch the Mets bullpen.

Also, my new favorite completely unsubstantiated rumor that I am nearly 100% is completely UNTRUE but still interesting to think about, is that Palin’s infant son is really the son of her 17 year old daughter who was held out of school for 4-5 months with “mono.” Now, a woman having a child at age 44 IS more likely to have a child with Down’s Syndrome, so that is a strong mark in favor of Palin having had the child, but then I see things like how she took a 7 hour flight to get back to Alaska AFTER her water broke to have her baby at a hospital WITHOUT an NICU and it seems awfully strange to me. But whateves, it’s only the fate of the free world. Another interesting link, from a more mainstream non-rando website on this story is here, so you don’t think I’m just making this stuff up as I go along. I mean I am, but I don’t want you THINKING that.

[Deadspin]

30
Aug
08

Why I Love Dustin Pedroia

From the Boston Globe’s Red Sox blog today:

“The answer is: Carlos Baerga, 2002.

The question: Who was the last Sox second baseman to bat cleanup?

Dustin Pedroia gets the honor tonight. The reason? Terry Francona indicated with Kevin Youkilis suffering from the flu to go along with Coco Crisp and Josh Beckett on the team sick bed, that he wanted to create a lineup that would be tough for the White Sox bullpen to counter. Francona said he’s taking a lot of grief from both Pedroia and David Ortiz over the lineup, Pedroia who keeps saying, “It’s about time” and Ortiz, who jokingly said he will retire.

Francona said he won’t make a habit of batting his little second baseman cleanup, but White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen did indicate after an 8-0 loss to the Sox that Pedroia was currently a tougher hitter to get out than Ortiz.”

Pedroia, who is the exact same size and weight as me, gives me hope that MY major league playing career is not a lost cause.

29
Aug
08

Shawn Johnson Loves When Her Taco POPS

Forget Jason Lee, with the Hamm brothers (Paul and Morgan) and Shawn Johnson in one commercial it’s clear who is needed for a real Alvin and the Chipmunks remake. All three of them have the voices down and Johnson has the look of Theo dead up. Anyways. this commercial doesn’t make me want to buy tacos but DOES make me feel dirty. So, um, I guess that’s good advertising…?

Also, nothing entices me more than while a super gay helium voiced man speaks tiny gymnast girls run around in the background. Now I DEFINITELY want some of that special Ortega sauce.

29
Aug
08

At Least Something at Yankee Stadium Has Ferocity

Red Sox Monster came up with this video from last night before the final regular season game ever between the Sox and the Yankees at the Stadium. Some dude was apparently hawking baby pitbulls outside the stadium, because, to me, that’s EXACTLY what I’m looking for before going to a baseball game. I grab a sausage on the street, buy a program, pick up a puppy, and then go watch baseball. Of course! I know also that I definitely want to buy a crazy fighting dog like a pitbull from a rando who thinks the streets of the Bronx are the right place to peddle dogs.

Oh wait, I know what happened, the dog seller guy got confused and because his dogs were attractive thought that everyone outside the stadium would want his “hot dogs.” Get it?!?!?!? Seriously, I’m a comic GENIUS!

[Red Sox Monster]

29
Aug
08

Jose Canseco Will Do ANYTHING For Money

Fox’ piece of television trash, Moment of Truth, has signed on the biggest money grubber of them all, Jose Canseco. The show, on which participants are asked the most personal and embarrassing of questions and, if they are willing to tell the true answers to a national audience it is worth cash, is likely to lose a lot of money on Canseco since the man has zero shame and doesn’t care who he takes down with him.

According to KLAC AM 570 in LA:

Canseco already has taped the episode and according to my source that was in attendance during the taping, Canseco was asked if he ever injected Mark McGwire with steroids and if he ever corked his bat among other questions that were asked during the taping. The episode of “The Moment of Truth” with Canseco is supposed to air in late September or early October.

I wonder how much Fox is going to be pushing that during the MLB playoffs. The biggest issue I have, besides that such an awful piece of television exists in the first place, is that the questions and his responses are taped before the show ever airs, all that matters is that he answers the same as he did before. I have no doubt that Jose believes most of the drivel that he speaks, whether it is true or not, and lie detectors are merely tracking whether or not you are lying, if Canseco believes it to be true than it won’t show up as a lie. I hope this doesn’t hurt Jose’s chances at an MLB comeback, because I feel like he was really really close…

[Sports by Brooks]

29
Aug
08

Two Very Different Ways to Get a Ball at the Park

You go to a baseball game and you always hope that your seat will be the lucky spot. The game winning homer comes right to you. Six foul balls in a row, all from your favorite player come miraculously to right where you are. Rarely does that actually happen though. Instead, if you want to get a ball you need to be creative. Here are two different gentleman, going about very different means in order to get that coveted baseball.

If you’re an adult, this is one way to go about it, but you better have the expert hand-eye coordination to corral that ball into your cup, and then you need to be willing to finish your beer whilst the mud and dirt on the ball invades. But still, impressive and classy.


Or if beer drinking isn’t your thing, you can always opt, like this Mets fan, to find yourself a way onto the field. Sure you might get hurt in the process, but isn’t having the Big Pelf, Mike Pelfrey, come to your rescue reward enough? I just hope for the kid’s sake that Pelf’s mouthguard wasn’t in, that could be terrifying to have a giant drooling slurring man try and aid you after falling off a wall…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

29
Aug
08

Supermodels are Expensive, Jessica Simpson is Dirt Cheap

Tom Brady and (reportedly) his lovely supermodel girlfriend, Gisele recently plopped down $11 million for a plot of land in Brentwood, California. Brady claims that he is doing this so he can have a place near his son Jack with Bridget Moynihan, whose friends say that is not the case at all. The deed for the Brentwood home was taken out under the name TGBE, which has celeb watchers thinking that the “G” stands for Gisele. In addition to the $11 million just for the land plot, Brady will be needing to build a home, he already scrapped plans for a 20,000 square foot one to be on the property, deeming it not large enough, so expect the outlay of cash to continue, probably ending up somewhere in the $20 million range when everything is added up. When you’re making a base salary of $14.626 million a year, that probably doesn’t affect you very much, but still, it does seem like a fine chunk of change.

Meanwhile, halfway across the country, Tony Romo purchased an already completed home for a mere $699,000. Since Romo is making only $6.5 million in base salary this year, it seems like he’s making out like a bandit. What it comes down to it seems, is that Romo’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, is much easier to impress, with much less, after all, she’s a down home country girl. Oh, and she’s not that bright. Whereas Gisele is from all reports intelligent and very business savvy, hence Brady needing to opt for Brentwood rather than the Dallas Fort-Worth area. I guess what it all comes down to is. which is worth it more, for me, I’d rather be Tom Brady and shell out the extra coin in order to make Gisele happy. Sure, Jessica is cheaper, but that doesn’t mean she’s lower maintenance, remember that stupid show she did with then-husband Nick Lachey? Another big advantage, Gisele’s family is in Brazil, versus Jessica’s who live in the Dallas area, and when you have a pervy dad like Joe Simpson, that makes quite a big difference. Winner? Brady.

Check out the links below for some photos of Romo’s new pad, or the link above to see the patch of dirt Brady will someday call home.

[The Landry Hat via Sports by Brooks]

jessica-simpson-picture-6

vs.

gisele_bundchen_20050731

29
Aug
08

Finally College Football is Back!

Oh wait, did I say finally? I meant who gives a crap. When will people get it that college sports are inherently lame. Inherently boring, inherently crappy. Tell me, why do I want to watch a bunch of kids who are going to become insurance salesman play a game when I could watch professionals instead. What is the fun in that? Ever notice how in every sport when the college kids turn pro they all talk about the how the game speeds up, how the players are better and the competition harder? That’s because the pro players and the pro game ARE BETTER. So why bother watching Appalachian State play Akron? Who gives a flying fuck. The only excuse you ever have to watch college sports is if you went to the school that is playing the game. I’ll allow college loyalty, otherwise, you’re a tool. If you didn’t go to Michigan but you watch all their football games, please head to the nearest doctor or dentist office and sterilize yourself at the X-ray machine for the betterment of our society.

College sports are the most useless possible thing. So stop showing them on ESPN, stop talking about them in the newspapers and stop pretending like they are even good games, they aren’t! The reason they use those spread offenses and run-and-gun is because the defenses are terrible, the QBs suck and the only way anyone can do anything is to huck it up there and pray. I would rather watch EVERY SINGLE Arizona Cardinals game, or suffer through a season only watching the Dolphins play because even they are better than the best of the college teams.

God, I HATE college sports!

28
Aug
08

Dystopian Doppelganger

I like Amanda Beard just fine, most of the time I think she’s pretty hot and sure, there is that whole, she’s a totally fast swimmer thing (notwithstanding her performance at the Beijing Olympics.) But there are times when she doesn’t look her best and in those moments she has a very similar look to that hero of Detroit, the rescuer of the city, RoboCop. So check out this possible doppelganger, vote in the poll below and then check out the rest of the doppelgangers we have assembled here.

beardrobocop

28
Aug
08

SNL Taps Personality Challenged Athlete for Season Opener

Michael Phelps, star of awkward television interviews throughout the Olympics, not to mention the INCREDIBLY awkward London segment of the Beijing closing ceremonies has been chosen to host the 34th season opener of Saturday Night Live. I can see the desire on SNL’s part, after all, Phelps is an incredible global phenomena right now and his presence should guarantee a nice audience from him alone. That said, he’s never shown, in any of his interviews, any sort of humorous abilities, or really much of a personality, so the SNL writers are going to have quite the journey ahead of them. I hope against hope that he decides to regrow this amazing facial hair for the show.

However, I am also incredibly distraught at the news that Phelps and my dream swimmer, Australian Stephanie Rice, who won 3 gold medals of her own, hooked up at the Olympics. The story came out while I was out in the woods and so I only just saw it today. Sure he’s a great swimmer and everything, but I thought she and I were going to have something really special. We still can, but it won’t ever be the same…

Also, one more reason to watch the SNL premier will be the debut of one of the funniest and nicest people I have ever known, SNL’s newest cast member and fellow improviser, Bobby Moynihan.

For some of the best athlete hosted sketches on SNL ever, check out this link from Fan IQ.

28
Aug
08

Red Sox Nation Eagerly Welcomes Kotsay

Despite hitting a double in his first at-bat with the Red Sox, I would say Red Sox nation is at most ambivalent to the recent arrival of Mark Kotsay. However, those of us who follow baseball closely ARE excited for one major aspect of the addition of Kotsay to the team, that would be the addition of Jamie Kotsay to the Red Sox family. Welcome Jamie! For those of you who are unfamiliar with Jamie, let us explain why we are so excited (she’s the one on the left):

Then there is this photo that launched her into the dreams of many:

Jamie, who works as a model when she isn’t participating in team wife baseball games, is a very very welcome addition to the Red Sox and hopefully Theo will sign her to a very long-term deal. Mark on the other hand…

Anyway welcome to the city Jamie, welcome to the Olde Towne Team and, by all means, feel free to leave your husband for any of the one bloggers on this site.

(Oh, and for anyone wondering, in any group shot Jamie is always on the left side of the photo, I guess that’s her good side, although I haven’t found a side I dislike yet…)

28
Aug
08

Novak Djokovic Must Be Stopped

Bronze-medal winning tennis player Novak Djokovic appears to have been the real big winner at the Olympics this year. Sure, bronze is nice, but the real prize that Djokovic seems to have won was sitting in the stands cheering him on yesterday at the US Open. That would be the delectable Leryn Franco whom we have already seen to be an incredible classy smokeshow. According to Page 6 in the NY Post the two are an item now, or at least hooking up, and “she was sitting in the stands at Ashe Stadium yesterday cheering as Djokovic beat France’s Arnaud Clement in straight sets.”

I simply don’t understand why she isn’t into me, I mean, I did plaster her picture across the internet and get thousands of men to objectify her. Isn’t that enough? I give and I give and I give. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME LERYN?!!!?




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