The Slanch Report

Jose Canseco is a douche, we’ve established this, it seems though, that his bad luck continues to follow him. First he gets blackballed by baseball because he can’t hit a fastball or a breaking ball anymore and can’t play in the field, the NERVE! Now, in an attempt to qualify for US Weekly’s “Stars They’re Just Like Us” (using the term “star” very very very loosely) Jose admitted that his Encino home was foreclosed upon.

It seems that Jose’s manse, which admittedly seems quite nice, with its 7000 square feet and stylish front door design, has over $2.5 million owed on it. What the Surreal Life money didn’t cover that?

“I’ve been out of the game for about eight or nine years and obviously this [is an] issue with the foreclosure on my home,” he told “Inside Edition”.

“I do have a judgment on my home and it to me is very strange because it didn’t make financial sense for me to keep paying a mortgage on a home that was basically owned by someone else,” he said.

How very astute and responsible of Jose. Fortunately, he’s not actually homeless like most people would be after having their home foreclosed on, but he ain’t doing great neither. Canseco said much of the money he earned from playing ball went to pay for his divorces. “I had a couple of divorces that cost me $7 or $8 million.” Yowzers. Then again, if I had to be married to a ‘roid using, tiny dicked Jose Canseco I too would clean him out in a divorce.

Now to clarify, I don’t HATE Jose, I just think he’s a scumbag. In his first book, “Juiced,” I appreciated and believed the things he wrote about the various players who used steroids. And he was vindicated when other evidence came out about those players, but then Jose’s humongous ego came back into play. At that point it became about how baseball kicked him out for telling the truth, (not because he simply wasn’t good enough without the steroids and that his body was breaking down and his reaction time was non-existent) and about how Jose believed himself to somehow be the rescuer of baseball on some giant white stallion.

With “Vindicated” he seems to simply be making up stories for the sole purpose of selling books. That’s fine, but that’s called fiction, and he shouldn’t pretend he’s doing otherwise.

However, I am glad about this story about his home. Not so much because he lost his house because as toolsy as he is, that still is a major jones, but, more because I found out that Jose used to live in Encino.

It makes so much sense now! Jose is really just a caveman found and unfrozen by Paulie Shore and Sean Astin and who ended up becoming a baseball player! I can’t believe it has taken us this long to realize. Much like how “Vindicated” is fiction, Encino Man is cinema verité!

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The truth comes out at last!