Archive for the 'Douches' Category


The NFL Needs a Refresher in the Days of the Week

Now, I’m no expert, but as I understand it, Thursday follows Wednesday and precedes Friday in the standard understanding of what makes a week. This year, Christmas — you might have noticed — falls on a Friday. So, if you’re the NFL, obviously that means Thursday Night Football right!



Was Friday Night Football too difficult to say? I can’t wait to watch Monday Night Football Saturday afternoon.

I’d say I’m surprised but this is the NFL Network we’re talking about and their ineptitude is legendary.


Brazilian Beach Ball-Playing Gets Shut Down

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A new sport has swept the beaches of Brazil called “altinho” which is essentially just a fancy way of saying people are juggling soccer balls on the beaches. However, as the city of Rio starts its preparations for the 2016 Olympics, police are cracking down on the game, declaring ball games on the beach “undesirable activities.”

Among the other things being cracked down on the beach, (thanks in no small part to new consultant Rudy Giuiliani) are the vendors selling shrimp or cheese on skewers, as well as radios and coolers also being banned from the sandy shores.

Of course, Rio citizens are rebelling against these regulations and are continuing to enjoy the beaches as they have for decades. In the meantime altinho games pop up all over the place and remains a favored beach activity for skimpily-clad Brazilians everywhere.

Good thing, the Olympics are a mere 7 years away!

[Sydney Morning Herald]


There’s Nothing You Can’t Bet On

As the Tiger Woods story continues to dominate news coverage and becomes the most important story in the history of news, today’s news that Elin intends to divorce Tiger has already sparked bookies to start setting odds.

Right now, British bookmaker William Hill already have odds up on the settlement that Ms. Nordegren might receive. Currently, bettors get 25:1 odds that she’ll receive MORE than half a billion dollars. Among the other options are 6:4 odds for her getting under $100 million and 1:2 that she gets between $100-500 million.

Really, what level of degenerate gambler are you if you find yourself wanting to get in on this kind of action?



Another Cardinal Gets a DWI — I Sense a Pattern

Budweiser’s favorite baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals are working really hard to maintain their status as America’s Drunkest Team with their latest infraction, scrubby third baseman David Freese’s arrest for a DWI in Maryland Heights, about 20 miles out of St. Louis.

This makes the 4th incident in three years where a member of the Cardinals has been hit with drunken-driving charges. Starting with manager Tony LaRussa’s blowing a .093 BAC and falling asleep at a traffic light to Josh Hancock’s death after driving drunk to Scott Spezio’s DUI arrest, clearly the Cardinals are taking this issue VERY seriously. I bet they almost thought about sending an email to their team and staff, and then thought better of it. But still, ALMOST!

The 26-year-old Freese was not involved in an accident, thankfully, but the police wouldn’t release further details about the St. Louis native’s arrest. He is expected to be a prime contender for the starting third base job in 2010.

I’m glad to see the team that plays in Busch Stadium and is sponsored in large part by Budweiser has taken a stand against drunk driving and alcohol abuse. That’s a bang-up job there guys.



Trevor Ariza Swings and Misses

Trevor Ariza was 0-9 from the floor during Sunday’s Rockets/Raptors game and was obviously feeling very frustrated. After battling for a loose ball, he lets his annoyance bubble over and tries to take a swing at DeMar DeRozan. Showing that his struggles on the court weren’t an illusion, Ariza whiffs on connecting with his punch too. Unluckily for him though the refs caught him and he was immediately tossed out of the game.


UNC Removes Opposing Fan — For Rooting For His Team

University of North Carolina’s men’s basketball coach Roy Williams thought it was important to teach his charges the true meaning of class during Saturday’s rout of Presbyterian College. Sure the final score was 103-64 but that doesn’t mean life-and-death don’t hang on every play. So, late in the second half, with the game already well in hand, two police officers conferred with Williams before climbing through the stands about 20 rows up from the UNC bench and removed a fan (video of it HERE).

The man, who was wearing a shirt with the Presbyterian College logo had drawn the ire of Williams after heckling UNC’s Deon Thompson while he was shooting foul shots with 6:45 remaining in the game.

“Hey Deon, miss it,” the man screamed.

The words had great affect; Thompson sank both shots. Williams though was too offended by this action and off went the gendarmes (ultimately three police were required to take the incredulous offending fan out of Smith Arena.)

“When an idiot runs out on the field, they don’t show the idiot running out on the field because it just gives them more publicity,” Williams said following the game. “I don’t think anybody should yell anything negative at our players. Period.

“Let’s don’t make it a bigger thing than it is. But I just don’t think anybody should yell negative things toward our players (when) you come in on our tickets to watch our game.”

Yeah, because running on the field and possibly endangering the players is EXACTLY the same as heckling from 20 rows up during a foul shot. Also, I’m sure the UNC crowd was silent and respectful during any of the Presbyterian players’ foul shots.

A North Carolina spokesman Steve Kirschner later said police “believed” the fan in question to be drunk and he had been asked to move because he was not in his ticketed seat. Riiiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhhttttttttt. If you believe that than probably think college basketball is interesting and good basketball.

It’s a good thing they removed that fan though because clearly he was demoralizing the UNC players, I mean, had he not been in the stands, UNC might have won by more than a measly 39 points. The players ought to be ashamed of themselves for getting so down from a little heckling from the stands. Especially from a fan of a college that has NO business ever playing sports against a powerhouse like UNC, that’s like the Celtics scheduling a game against a Charlestown high school

Or it could just be that Roy Williams, for this one moment at least, was a giant douche-fascist of the highest level. Either way.

[The Times News]


SHOCK! Barry Bonds’ Career is Over!

Jeff Borris, the agent for erstwhile San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds is apparently the last one to realize that his client’s career is over. While Bonds is still not officially retired, “It’s two years since he played his last game, and if there was any chance he’d be back in a major-league uniform, it would have happened by now,” Jeff Borris said.

“When 2008 came around, I couldn’t get him a job. When 2009 came around, I couldn’t get him a job. Now, 2010 … I’d say it’s nearly impossible,” Borris said, “It’s an unfortunate ending to a storied career.”

Sure, it’s somewhat unfortunate, but had Bonds been willing to sublimate his ego and accept a far-reduced salary he probably could have caught on with someone in 2008. Because he was unwilling to accept that his very presence causes a whole host of problems for his club, and that those problems translate to less salary for him, Bonds was left without a job. It’s somewhat of a shame, he could probably still walk onto a field today and post up a OPS over .900 and sock 20 HRs in limited service.

That’s the way megalomania goes, I suppose.



Hines Ward Shows a Bit of Hypocrisy

A few weeks back when Ben Roethlisberger was forced out of the Steelers lineup with concussion symptoms, his top receiver, Hines Ward questioned Ben’s toughness.

“I’ve lied to a couple of doctors saying ‘I’m straight, I feel good,’ when I knew I’m really not straight. But I don’t think guys really think about the future when they’re playing currently in the NFL,” Ward told Bob Costas, “Trust me, the players, they wanna go out there because these games, you don’t get back. You’re never gonna get this Baltimore-Pittsburgh game back.”

Fast forward to this week and coach Mike Tomlin’s announcement today that Ward is “very questionable” to play this Sunday.

I thought every game mattered Hines….

[NFL and NFL Fanhouse]


Derek Jeter Gets a Girl Fired

Back in town, at least for the moment, Derek Jeter the other night decided to order in some food from one of his favorite restaurants, Nino’s Positano right around the corner from his apartment. After taking the order over the phone, the hostess at the eatery was extremely excited at having spoken with the Yankees captain.

She even convinced the delivery guy to let her go with him on the order; although he made her promise to stay outside the building. When they arrived there though, she grabbed the food and tried to bring it up herself. After trying to charm the doorman and yelling out that she was “Derek’s #1 fan!” the doorman escorted her out of the building, taking the food up to Jeter himself.

When Nino found out about the incident he wasted no time and had the hostess fired. Showing himself a man of the enlightenment, Nino told the NY Post, “I’ll take Jeter over that bimbo any day.”

[NY Post]


Someone Get Joey Porter a Stylist

For Joey Porter it’s a good thing that the Dolphins beat the Patriots yesterday because otherwise he would have looked like an even bigger douche. The first contest between these two teams featured plenty of jawing from Porter before the game, and then little from him DURING it. In fact he finished the day with no tackles, no sacks and nothing on the stat sheet, something the stadium scoreboard operators thought important enough to point out.

Where in the first game he was totally invisible, yesterday he actually contributed, sort of, finishing with 3 tackles and assisting on another one. After yesterday’s surprise win over the Patriots, Porter held court in the locker room with reporters and this time he was highly visible, if incredibly poorly dressed.

Hey Joey, guess what, you’re a well-paid professional football player, NOT a soldier. You want to be a soldier? Great, go sign up like Pat Tillman did. Otherwise, buy some normal clothes that help you not look like quite as much of an enormous douchenozzle. Also, last I checked, there’s not a whole lot of forests in the Miami area, so, what exactly are you trying to camouflage yourself from, I mean, I can still see you for the tool you are.

[Boston Globe]


Mike Lowell Doppelganger Teaches Cheerleaders the Sound of One Hand Fwapping

In Dover, New Hampshire police recently arrested 47-year-old Roy Chapman Jr, the Mike Lowell doppelganger was spotted by school custodians exposing himself as he sneaked a peek at the high school’s cheerleading tryouts.

After being seen, Chapman booked it, but police, with the help of a police dog, found him in the woods nearby. Police also found a small amount of weed in Chapman’s parked car in the school’s lot.

Fortunately, none of the cheerleaders saw Chapman who is being charged with indecent exposure, lewdness and possession of a controlled drug.

[WVCB via Busted Coverage]


SHOCK! The Yankees are Giant Douches — Even To Their Own Fans

Proving that just because they are immensely rich and are coming off a World Series victory doesn’t preclude them from being giant douchenozzles, even to their biggest fans, the Yankees have sent a cease and desist letter to the Yankees Universe blog. This is probably the first (and hopefully ONLY) time I have found myself siding with a Yankees fan on ANYTHING, but this is absofuckinglutely ridiculous and shows an arrogance that I didn’t think even the Yankees were capable of. The letter sent to blog states:

While the Yankees are very appreciative of their loyal and highly valued fan support,
unauthorized use of the Yankees Marks that would be confusing or misleading to the public, or
falsely imply some endorsement or sponsorship by the Yankees, cannot be tolerated. Although
the Website purports to be a “blog about Major League Baseball and the New York Yankees,” it
has clearly branded itself throughout with the Yankees Marks, including the Logo. Thus, you are
not using the Yankees Marks in a permissible manner but rather to brand your own online
service, and to create or imply a false impression that the Yankees have approved, condoned or
sponsored the Website.

Your unauthorized uses of the MLB Marks on the Website and in the Domain Name are
likely to cause confusion, mistake and deception as to the existence of an affiliation, connection
or association between your business on the one hand, and MLBAM, and/or other applicable
MLB Entities on the other, and constitute trademark infringement, dilution and unfair
competition in violation of federal and state law.

Accordingly, demand is hereby made that you immediately cease and desist from using
the YANKEE UNIVERSE name and the Logo, any other Yankees Mark and any other MLB
Mark in and as the name of your Website, to promote the Website, to seek advertising any other
commercial opportunities, in and as the Domain Name, and in any other manner that would
cause consumer confusion, dilution of the MLB Marks, or imply any sponsorship or
endorsement of your Website or its contents by any MLB Entity.

Way to go Yankees, this makes great business sense, why not alienate the people who care most passionately (and vociferously) about your team. After all, it was all those bleacher and upper deck seats that were empty all season and the rich guy seats were jam-packed. Oh wait. That’s right, it was the OTHER way around, and instead of courting and appreciating their actual fans the Yankees would, once more, rather cow-tow to the Richie Richs of the world and screw over the little guy. Hey Yankees fans, there’s plenty of room for you in Red Sox Nation, and we always appreciate OUR fans.

Perhaps in a coincidence, but I say not, the Yankees have dug up the corpse of George Steinbrenner and propped him up to appear at the team’s organizational meetings the last few days. Just saying, this is EXACTLY what a zombie corpse would want done…

The Yankees should be absolutely ASHAMED with themselves. Of course, their arrogance probably precludes them from feeling human emotions.

[The Yankees Universe via The Big Lead]

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March 2023