Posts Tagged ‘Cincinnati Reds


Doors Can be Tricky…

I don’t know what it is about baseball players that inspires such wacky injures; maybe it’s too much downtime, maybe they just aren’t that bright, I dunno, but just type in “bizarre baseball injuries” on a search engine to come up with hundreds of examples of ballplayer silliness.

Young Cincinnati Reds outfielder Chris Dickerson is the latest casualty to make it into the weird injury annals, sustaining a large bump on his forehead thanks to an unfortunate run-in, with a hotel revolving door.

My ‘real’ story is I hit my head on the rim during a celebrity slam dunk contest,” Dickerson joked. “They do need to do something about that door. It’s a deathtrap waiting to happen. I can only imagine what happens with people less coordinated than me. I’m a little clumsy, but a pretty coordinated guy. I should be able to fly through that thing easy. I struggle with it every day.

Now, I get that many baseball players are not the definition of athletic, but you’d think a simple revolving door wouldn’t be too much for someone whose life has been built around athletic feats. Perhaps, from now on, Dickerson should have the hotel doormen take care of opening passages for him…



MMM All You Can Eat Munchies

cin_ayce_seating_581My most important fantasy baseball league has been involved in a discussion about taking a league trip to go see a game, preferably to a stadium that we would otherwise have no reason to go. I’ve been pushing for Pittsburgh but now, I think Cincinnati is the place for us.

For the low low price of only $30, fans can come to a game at the Great American Ballpark, sit in the bleachers and get all you can eat hot dogs, popcorn, peanuts and soda. While beers and other foods are still available for purchase, why would you when you can eat all the popcorn you can dream of?

Oh, and the real reason why this deal appeals to me, and why it makes so much sense; from the Reds website, in order to get into the special section, “Bring your special All-You-Can-Eat ticket to the Fan Accomodation Station located near Section 420” there they’ll punch your ticket and away you’ll go.

Section 420 for the all-you-can-eat? I buy it. Sure you’re in not great seats, and of course there is having to watch the Reds, BUT, think of how many peanuts and hot dogs you could have!!! Yum.



The Dread Pirate Arroyo

Ah Florida, fun in the sun, you go see spring training baseball in the afternoon and then head down to the marina and hang out on your sport yacht in the evening. Or at least, that’s what you WOULD do if you were Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo. After a grueling day of spring training, Bronson goes on-board his 48 foot yacht, the Nasty Hook to relax.

“Being out here at every night, it’s so peaceful. You sit out here and listen to the birds and have dinner as you wind down from the day. It’s a different feel than you would get living anywhere on land,” Arroyo remarked.

Complete with a wave-runner, auto-pilot capability, high-tech navigation and satellite equipment, granite counter tops, 2 bedrooms (one with a king-size bed), a modern kitchen and a silhouette of Arroyo’s unique pitching style, the Nasty Hook has everything a big-leaguer could want.

During spring training Arroyo eats, sleeps and “entertains” (see king-size bed) on his boat, which is captained by lifelong friend Tony Acosta who “makes this thing go and makes sure we always get back to port,” said Arroyo. Once the regular season begins, Acosta will take the boat up to Cincinnati so the party never needs to stop.

“When we get a chance during the regular season, we’ll get 35-40 people on the boat. We’ll run out on the Ohio River near Riverbend and just turn this thing into a club. Break out the lights and the smoke machines and they’ll be dancing on the top deck and below,” Arroyo says.

Unfortunately for Arroyo, this is the Reds’ last season in Florida for ST, next year they’re moving to Goodyear, Arizona which, being in the middle of the desert might be a little more of an issue for mooring the boat.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Arroyo says. “There’s not going to be a boat in the middle of the desert.”

Maybe Bronson can arrange a trade to the Pirates, they train in Bradenton, Florida and really, Bronson always deserved to be a pirate…

Vodpod videos no longer available.



The Reds Can’t Win

I guess the trade of Ryan Freel and the loss of Corey Patterson left Reds management desperate for another singles-only hitter who barely contributes to your team, they signed Willy Taveras over the weekend to a 2-year deal. Sure, Taveras has lots of speed and had a ton of infield hits (37 bunt singles in 2007!) but he is incapable of scoring runs. Even on that strong offensive 2007 Rockies team, which scored 860 runs, and in spite of hitting .320 and stealing 33 bags, Taveras managed a scant 64 runs.

Yes, it was in only 97 games, but that’s a pretty good sample size, and this year in 133 games he also scored only 64 runs, this time stealing 68 bases. Maybe it has something to do with having an anemic OPS and thus being incapable of hitting at the top of the lineup. In 2007, which by any reasonable measure was Taveras’ best year, he managed an OPS+ of 89. 89! He had 120 hits last season and 102 of them were singles, and that’s with playing in Colorado with the spacious alleys. Essentially, he can’t hit the ball out of the infield, and if he can’t leg out a hit he has no chance of ever getting one.

Also, his defense is atrocious. For someone who is so fast he gets bad reads on balls, misses plays he should get and doesn’t patrol center field impressively at all.

At first glance I hated this deal for the Reds, but astonishingly, after looking at the remaining free agent outfielders I changed my mind.  Continue reading ‘The Reds Can’t Win’


Way to Go BBWAA

I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed this, the Baseball Writers Association of America, the people who get to vote on awards like MVP, Cy Young, Rookie of the Year and the Hall of Fame, the people who are supposed to be the most knowledgeable and informed about the game are apparently retarded. That’s the only conclusion I can come to. While looking over the results for yesterday’s NL Rookie of the Year something struck my attention. The order of the final ballot went this way:

  1. Geovany Soto
  2. Joey Votto
  3. Jair Jurrgens
  4. Edinson Volquez

Now 1-3 I have zero compunctions with, it is that fourth place guy that bothers me. You see the rules for eligibility for the RoY award state that a player who has pitched 50 innings in the big leagues previously is no longer considered a rookie and thus, ineligible for the award. So let’s take a trip back in time courtesy of Baseball Reference shall we.

The year was 2005 and Edinson Volquez was still a Texas Ranger, in a late season call-up he pitched in 12 2/3 innings, compiling an 0-4 record and an ERA of 14.21, so OK, he wasn’t ready for the big time yet. In 2006 he received another late season call-up, this time pitching 33 1/3 innings en route to a 1-6 record with an ERA of 7.29. Hey at least he was improving…2007 came and Volquez once more got his taste of the majors with yet another late season call-up. This time he pitched 34 innings with an ERA of 4.50 and a record of 2-1. So let’s do a little math here, stick with me, I know it’s early.

  • 12 2/3
  • 33 1/3
  • 34

Hmm…that equals 80 innings! What was that eligibility requirement? Oh yeah, 50 innings. So again, let me get the ol’ calculator out…Oh, wow, that’s a 30 inning difference! In fact, before he ever threw a pitch for the Cincinnati Reds, Volquez was NOT a rookie. He pitched the entire season as NOT a rookie. He went to the All-Star game, NOT AS A ROOKIE.

Clearly though, the people who are supposed to be responsible to the history of the game, the group of people who don’t think Cal Ripken is a unanimous Hall of Famer, the people who thought Luis Apricio WAS a Hall of Famer, they definitely know what’s going on.

What an embarrassment. Even was ashamed, in their writeup of the awards they made sure to mention, “Volquez’s presence on that list is definitely unique: No longer a rookie, the pitcher was mistakenly placed on the ballot and received three votes for second, thus there was an obligation to include him in the final results.” Continue reading ‘Way to Go BBWAA’


Dusty Baker Trades Reds In for a Winner

Dusty Baker has had some big league success, taking the Cubs and Giants to NLCS in back-to-back years, although along the way he destroyed the careers and arms of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. Since then he’s been a truly AWFUL analyst on ESPN and because of that is forced to manage the Cincinnati Reds. Tired already of losing and having little hope for the future, this weekend Baker has decided to change teams and start working with a winner again.

Darren Baker, Dusty’s 9 year old son is on an under-10 Little League team called the imposing Hard 90 Pastimes who are in San Francisco for a tournament and their normal coach was unable to be there. So, after a little cajoling from Darren, Dusty agreed to take the job, much to the joy of his son, “I’m very excited because it was his dream to always coach me,” Darren said.

While Darren is excited, if I were the parent of one of the pitchers on that team I would be TERRIFIED. Is it possible for 9 year olds to blow out their elbows? Does anyone doubt whether Dusty will try and find out? I have to imagine that after this tournament the entire pitching staff will head en mass to visit Dr. Andrews. Regardless, the Little League team will go into the offseason with a better chance of winning the World Series than the Reds. No word as yet as to Dusty signing Corey Patterson to fill in in center field.


He’s Like the Reverse Jesus

Saw this item in Buster Olney’s blog today and it made me chuckle, so for those of you that don’t read Buster or the Dayton Daily News, here you go…

Kent Mercker, who hasn’t pitched since early June because of a bad back, was handed an envelope in the clubhouse, and he quickly ripped it open, scanned the thick multi-paged letter and tossed it into the trash.

“Talk about a waste of eight pages of paper,” he said. “It was addressed to: ‘All potential free agents.’ ”

Mercker will be a free agent, but as he said, “What kind of market is out there for me?” Then he paused and said, “Well, hey. I’m left-handed, I’m 40 and I’m well-rested.”

Mercker has tried to play long toss and throw off the mound, “But my back is not working.”

Most likely he is headed for retirement and said, “I’m starting my new profession — turning vodka into urine.”


Reds Make Important Deal for Their Future

Despite being 11.5 games out of the lead for the NL Central, the Cincinnati Reds don’t believe they’re out of it, so they swung a major deal over the weekend for both their present and their future. Of course, I’m referring to the news that is already everywhere across the nation, that everyone is talking about, the Reds have finally chosen their OFFICIAL and exclusive ketchup provider. Finally!

Our long national nightmare is finally over and we can get back to our regular, dull lives!

Red Gold Premium Ketchup are the lucky winners and will become the sole providers for the Reds at their 32 food stands. I’m just glad that this whole ordeal is at long last over and the Reds can get back to concentrating on the game. In fact, I’m almost certain that this long search has been the reason why the Reds are so far out of contention. Sure, critics might point to Dusty Baker and say that since he doesn’t understand how to properly manage a baseball team, or that he ignores statistics that would actually help his team because he’s “old-school” and that he’s out of touch with the current game, but to those people I say ketchup!

The Reds are primed to go on a Rockies-like streak and most likely win the World Series this year, solely propelled via the high quality Red Gold PREMIUM Ketchup.


I Thought He Was Filled With Candy…

Mr. Redlegs has been the mascot for the Cincinnati Reds for quite some time and he does quite the job for them too. He dances, he shoots t-shirt cannons, he carries around a giant bat and is always ready for a good Warriors-style brawl. It seems he has limitations though, among them, riding on the back of an ATV.

I have to imagine he destroyed some children’s imaginations when his head came off. I for one am angry because I always believed that Mr. Redlegs and Mr. Met were aliens from another planet where everyone had giant baseball heads. Now I’m starting to rethink that. I don’t know if I can ever return to those halycon days, I’m lost now, sputtering into the wind…

h/t to Bugs and Cranks


Bronson Arroyo Wants You to Taste His Meat

My good friend Jon Eick of thinks these might be the greatest commercials ever. I won’t go that far, but they are certainly ridiculous.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bronson Arroyo as a musician, take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with his canon, you won’t regret it. Unless of course, you’re someone who as a rule only enjoys good music. Then you might not like it. Then again, you could also be a narc. Are you a narc? You have to tell me, you know that right?


So these local ads have been airing in the Cincinnati area and feature Bronson wailing on his 6 string about the joys of beef.

Look at how hard he is rocking out there! He’s got the head bob, the jiggling guitar and the flowing locks, it’s truly a wonder to behold. It’s like if Creed and Nickelback formed together to create one giant awesome band of suckitude.

I will admit, it is kinda catchy though…

I especially love the guy sitting on the bench, the fake teardrop, and then, the sheer joy and happiness he feels knowing that he is together again with JTM. Look at that smile on his face.

jtm1I don’t know that I have felt, or ever will feel such absolute joy as he has in that moment. I’m jealous. He’s sitting there, saddened by the absence of the Reds but then, BOOM, Bronson reminds him that there is goodness in the world. If that’s not a message of hope than I don’t know what is.

Bronson has a simple dream, to share his meat with all the world. Why won’t we let him? Bronson’s meat is the best. It is delicious, tender, the perfect size and fits wonderfully between buns. Bronson’s meat is sure to satisfy.

The ladies agree, Bronson’s meat is the best!

Really, someone should contact Barack Obama’s campaign, I think we found the message they’ve been looking for in these last weeks of primary season. This truly is the message of hope. YES WE CAN! TOGETHER AGAIN!

And of course a h/t to!

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

May 2023