Archive for May, 2008


I Know It’s Around Somewhere…

Julian Tavarez was recently unceremoniously dumped by the Red Sox when they designated him for assignment. After no one stepped up to trade for him, he was released and then signed a deal with the Milwaukee Brewers. So far, his tenure there is very similar to his time in his previous homes as well. Case in point, Tavarez won a World Series ring last season with the Sox, and recently said, “I got my World Series last year and now I feel spoiled. I want another one and another one and another one.”

Perhaps he should take better care of the one that he has currently. This story out of Milwaukee reveals that Tavarez isn’t exactly sure what he did with his ring. After the Sox DFA’d him, he apparently left the $20,000 ring in his locker, somewhere.  “They’re going to mail it to me, I’m sure,” he told the Capital Times. Great.

I like Tavarez, well, not so much as a player but as a guy I’ve seen on TV and such he seems like a giant goofball who acts instintively and never thinks anything through. Perhaps that’s related to how he never really went to school as a child and has essentially been in an even more arrested state of development than other baseball players. That said, he loves to play baseball and while he’ll do boneheaded plays (like rolling a ball to first or punching a wall and injuring himself) he genuinely seems to enjoy himself out there.

But after having spent his entire career trying to win the World Series you’d think that something like your World Series ring might be a bit more valuable to him and at least he’d have a ROUGH idea of where such a thing might be. Maybe I’m just a silly Sox fan, but if I had a World Series ring I’d know where it was at every moment for the rest of my life.

I think Julian should just take Gagne’s. After all, he DEFINITELY didn’t deserve to get one at all. That would settle it easily.


The Mariners Hate the Gays

According to this article, Seattle has an approximately 12.9% gay population, second only to San Francisco, which makes this story even more ridiculous. Sirbrina Guerrero recently attended a game against the Red Sox at Safeco Field, intending to watch the Mariners continue in their struggle against success. Unfortunately she got a lot more heartache than is normal from a Mariners game.

It seems that Ms. Guerrero is a lesbian, and she attended the game with some friends and her lover, ALSO A LESBIAN! Horror! Even worse, she kissed her LESBIAN LOVER on the lips! The nerve of these people… This disgusting bit of information is not where the story ends though. That’s because a mother sitting behind them saw the two women kiss and was obviously horrified, so she dutifully and properly reported the incident to a security guard.

Siribrina Guerrero is out to convert the world to rampant lesbianism and must be stopped

“And he (the security guard) goes ‘there’s a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.’ And I said ‘well, we weren’t making out, but we were kissing and I’m not going to stop,'” said Guerrero. The security guard then said, “The mom doesn’t want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing.” Guerrero said, “So I said ‘well, I’m not going to stop, so you’ll have to kick me out. So he said ‘so I suggest you leave then.”‘

Who do these lesbians think they are? I mean, in a city where the gay population thrives, haven’t they done enough? I mean, this mother is clearly caring about her children, and the sheer difficulty in trying to explain to her overprotected douchebag kids that two women can be together and love one another and such is simply a burden that shouldn’t be placed upon a parent. After all, if her kids see two women kiss who knows what else it might lead to, maybe her son will become a GAY! That’s how it spreads after all, you see two lesbians kiss and then you get infected and then BAM one day you’re a homo.

This mother just came to the game to try and show her children the joy of America’s pastime but instead was treated to a filth show. I am horrified for her. No one expects to go to a baseball game and see people kissing, least of all the GAYS. We all know that it says somewhere in the Bible that you aren’t supposed to be gay–it makes Jesus and polar bears cry. And polar bears are endangered! I am obviously on the side of this heartbroken mother whose children now know that there exists a chance for them to be happy with whomever they might be attracted to, unlike their father who married their stupid dumb bitch of a mother to cover up his own gay urges; that’s why he is always going up to the attic to read those men’s fitness and muscle magazines in his “special” corner…

After Guerrero was spoken to by the security guard at the game, she went around and took pictures of other couples who kissed but were not reprimanded; those couples were all heterosexual. I’m sure that that mother would agree that Safeco was right in not reprimanding those couples, after all, those people are in LOVE and can get MARRIED and make BABIES, whereas lesbians only want to STEAL babies for their disgusting witch rituals that cause Lillith Fair concerts to spring forth from the ground.

I can only conclude that these two women were viciously making out, probably fingerblasting each other and using things like this while watching Jose Vidro struggle to hit a single.

I mean, because that would be offensive and worthy of being spoken to by security. But according to Guerrero when questioned if she and her date were acting lewd in any way that would have prompted such a firm response from the security guard, Guerrero said, “We were eating garlic fries. The last thing we wanted to do was make out with each other. Honestly, that’s what it was.”

Sure. Just another lesbian lie so they can join with the forces of Satan to try and take away the America that was promised to us all by Jesus. It makes me sad.


The guys over at withleather have done a little bit of investigation on my story and Sirbrina Guerrero is also going to be a contestant on the upcoming Tila Tequila “reality” dating show on MTV and is on the cover of some magazine here, although that doesn’t take away from the idiocy of the Safeco security guards.


Beckham Strokes Ball, Scores Big Time

So David Beckham’s US soccer career has not gone as swimmingly as he (or MLS and the LA Galaxy) had hoped, there was the ankle injury that made him miss much of last season and so far this year he has been decent but not excellent. However, for one moment in last night’s game against the KC Wizards, Beckham showed some of the deft touch that made him such a worldwide phenomenon when he lifted a ball 70 yards and over the goalkeepers head for a goal.

Awesome! It turns out that this isn’t the first time he’s done this in high-level game, he apparently did it as well when he was a fresh faced teenager for Manchester United too.


A very grateful h/t to Unprofessional Foul


Carlos Guillen Needs a Donut, But Not That Kind

Carlos Guillen is a personal fantasy baseball favorite of mine. The erstwhile shortstop/first baseman for the Detroit Tigers is an excellent source of high average, home runs and even some occasional steals for my various teams. The first time I ever had him on a team, it was way back in 2004, life was great and my friend,  frustrated with lack of production and a poor playing Tigers team, dropped him outright. A few days later, needing a middle infielder, I picked up Guillen. Together with my pickup of Victor Martinez off the waiver wire, I rode their collective stellar stats to a third-place finish, it was awesome.

Since then, I have had Carlos Guillen on my team every year but 2005, I like everything he brings to the table, a .300 plus average, 20 HRs and near 100 RBI and runs, he even used to be a pretty good fielding shortstop, although some injuries have hampered his range in the last year or so, hence the initial move this year to first. Unfortunately for the Tigers, they weren’t expecting Miguel Cabrera to instantly become StoneHands over at third and so they were forced to switch Guillen back across the diamond.

This year, Guillen has been OK, he started out the season super hot, even though the rest of the Tigers struggled but he has since cooled down some, particularly after the position switch. Then, last night I was perusing the game story for the Tigers game, as I am wont to do, and noticed this little throwaway line: “Leyland said Carlos Guillen has been shifted from 3B to DH because Guillen has a bad case of hemorrhoids. Guillen made two errors in the opening game of the three-game set in Anaheim. Inge started at third Tuesday. …”

I know that baseball players are used to being in the spotlight and having fans knowing lots about their lives, but I think we can all agree that we don’t need to know about this. According to Wikipedia, “Hemorrhoids are actually the anatomical term for ‘Cushions of tissue filled with blood vessels at the junction of the rectum and the anus.'” Yum! Now I know all about Carlos’ ass cushions!

You have to believe that only a manager like Jim Leyland would have said this in a press conference, he doesn’t give a fuck about anything and he probably was trying to light a fire under his players’ asses. For Leyland who is old-school, you play no matter what, and you don’t let any bullshit excuses get in the way. That’s part of the reason why he’s been so successful and why players like to play for him. Of course, it’s also probably why Leyland smokes three packs a day…

So, anyways, Guillen now joins Kaz Matsui on the anal injury list of 2008, I can only look forward to Robinson Cano’s upcoming torn rectum injury sustained while Jeter tries “everything possible to bust out of his slump.”


One More Reason for Soccer’s Popularity

Brazil is known for her citizens’ excellence on the soccer pitch and for an equal excellence in attractiveness. Case in point, Laisa Andrioli, a 20 year old who plays for the national team and is evidently attracting lots of attention for her moves on and off the field. As someone who played varsity soccer (one year) in high school, I am quite the expert in hot soccer ladies and I feel qualified to say I’m starting to warm up to Laisa. For example:

All right, now I’m intrigued… What else do you have for me, Ms. Andrioli?


Brazil has got to have the hottest population in the world right? I mean, everyone I ever see from there is just incredibly good-looking. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is that I’m NOT from there, after all, I’m right there on the attractive scale…

Well then. I’m definitely in love. Looks like ethanol shouldn’t be the biggest export coming out of Brazil anymore. Now we’re starting to get into some risqué territory, I like where this is heading…Then I find out that Laisa has just posed nude for Sexy Magazine, so I guess you know what happens now…

Stick around after the jump for some very NSFW photos, unless you happen to be working at Smut Magazine.

h/t to Fleshbot

Continue reading ‘One More Reason for Soccer’s Popularity’


MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too

Baseball is awesome, we’re agreed on this. However, MLB: you need to stop being a giant douchebag of a corporation. The latest example is a Little League in Tinley Park, Illinois that was recently sent a cease-and-desist letter threatening a lawsuit if the league didn’t remove all MLB team names from the uniforms of the kids. It seems that for MLB, the fact that these freeloading little kids wanted to have their team names be things like the Phillies or the Cubs is absolutely ridiculous. They should be paying MLB thousands of dollars instead, obviously!

For Dave Glenn, the man responsible for making the Tinley Park uniforms, this whole situation is ludicrous. “Does a league have a right to name a local team? Baseball is saying no. That’s flying in the face of 100 years of tradition. I go out of my way to make sure we use town names, so we make it clear this isn’t a major league jersey. Now we’re told we can’t even do that. What it boils down to is the interpretation of the trademark.”

In 1992 MLB as an enterprise made approximately $1.2 billion in profits, last year they made over $6 billion, so I can certainly understand the absolutely inherent need for such lucrative moneymaking machines like Little League to start paying thousands and thousands of dollars for licensing fees. I mean, Bud Selig did only make $14.5 million last year and he probably is in the midst of a making a certain part of his body something respectable, and that kind of work simply doesn’t come cheap.

“Soon it will be THIS big!”

TThere is simply no way that Bud can be kept in all his various pills and prescriptions unless these dastardly thieving little piss-ants are crushed. After all, who needs little kids to like baseball? I mean why would MLB want to attract little kids to become life-long fans of the game? That seems like a poor waste of resources. It seems like MLB is going out of their way to push kids away from the game and towards the NFL. All the playoff games go super late now, often not ending before midnight, during the week, which means that most kids can’t stay up and see them, thus taking the games that are on the biggest stage and making them completely inaccessible to the youngest subset of fans.

But who needs little kids? After all, MLB has record attendance figures, people aren’t staying away from the game, so to MLB the chance to screw some small-town folk is just a fine way to spend an afternoon. For the kids of Tinley Park though, now they can’t go up to bat pretending to be Derrek Lee or Carlos Quentin. They can’t stare down from the mound channeling their inner Cole Hamels or Jamie Moyer (god I hope little kids pretend to be Jamie Moyer). When they make a great diving stop they can’t imagine that for a moment they know what it feels like to be Asdrubal Cabrera.

A solution may have been found, according to Steve Bowles, the league president, “We can’t have a (Major League) team name or logo on the uniform unless we buy it from Majestic. When we did a cost comparison of what we had versus that, we can’t do it for the same price. We were going to look at college names, because the licensing [cost] is different. We looked at names like the Fighting Irish and the Trojans, etc. About a third of the parents really didn’t mind the college names.”

Continue reading ‘MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too’


Jeter, Keep it in your Pants

Derek Jeter is a well-renowned cocksman, he has bedded 6 of Maxim’s Hottest 100 Women, amongst his many other conquests (cough, cough Robinson Cano…) not to mention he is grossly overpaid and has made millions and millions of dollars as a professional baseball player and 4-time World Champion.

So, Derek, you’ve already had Jessica Alba, you’ve already had ScarJo, I beseech you, please stop stealing my fantasy women. The latest, is a rumor reported in the NY Post that he may be getting involved with Minka Kelly. For those of you not familiar with the uber-hot Minka, check out the photos below. Minka is one of the stars of Friday Night Lights, a show whose first season is one of the best things I have ever enjoyed on television, although the second season left a lot to be desired. However, that wasn’t Minka’s fault. Also, her Dad is Rick Dufay a former guitarist with Aerosmith, so that’s pretty cool too.

All I can do is hope that Jeter isn’t spreading his oats with her because he’s already despoiled too many of my dream women and I don’t know if I could take any more losses. Derek, you’ve had enough! Isn’t it enough that you have three Gold Glove awards and you are one of the worst fielding shortstops in the Majors? How many more trophies must you lock up? Leave Minka alone, because I’m pretty sure she’d be totally into me. I mean, she once dated John Mayer and he’s a total douchebag, and I’m a nice guy, so therefore she’d be down with me.

Call me!

And because why not, here are a slew of pictures of the future Mrs. Slanch after the jump.

(h/t to Big League Stew for the Jeter collage) Continue reading ‘Jeter, Keep it in your Pants’

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

May 2008