Archive for May, 2008


I Know It’s Around Somewhere…

Julian Tavarez was recently unceremoniously dumped by the Red Sox when they designated him for assignment. After no one stepped up to trade for him, he was released and then signed a deal with the Milwaukee Brewers. So far, his tenure there is very similar to his time in his previous homes as well. Case in point, Tavarez won a World Series ring last season with the Sox, and recently said, “I got my World Series last year and now I feel spoiled. I want another one and another one and another one.”

Perhaps he should take better care of the one that he has currently. This story out of Milwaukee reveals that Tavarez isn’t exactly sure what he did with his ring. After the Sox DFA’d him, he apparently left the $20,000 ring in his locker, somewhere.  “They’re going to mail it to me, I’m sure,” he told the Capital Times. Great.

I like Tavarez, well, not so much as a player but as a guy I’ve seen on TV and such he seems like a giant goofball who acts instintively and never thinks anything through. Perhaps that’s related to how he never really went to school as a child and has essentially been in an even more arrested state of development than other baseball players. That said, he loves to play baseball and while he’ll do boneheaded plays (like rolling a ball to first or punching a wall and injuring himself) he genuinely seems to enjoy himself out there.

But after having spent his entire career trying to win the World Series you’d think that something like your World Series ring might be a bit more valuable to him and at least he’d have a ROUGH idea of where such a thing might be. Maybe I’m just a silly Sox fan, but if I had a World Series ring I’d know where it was at every moment for the rest of my life.

I think Julian should just take Gagne’s. After all, he DEFINITELY didn’t deserve to get one at all. That would settle it easily.


The Mariners Hate the Gays

According to this article, Seattle has an approximately 12.9% gay population, second only to San Francisco, which makes this story even more ridiculous. Sirbrina Guerrero recently attended a game against the Red Sox at Safeco Field, intending to watch the Mariners continue in their struggle against success. Unfortunately she got a lot more heartache than is normal from a Mariners game.

It seems that Ms. Guerrero is a lesbian, and she attended the game with some friends and her lover, ALSO A LESBIAN! Horror! Even worse, she kissed her LESBIAN LOVER on the lips! The nerve of these people… This disgusting bit of information is not where the story ends though. That’s because a mother sitting behind them saw the two women kiss and was obviously horrified, so she dutifully and properly reported the incident to a security guard.

Siribrina Guerrero is out to convert the world to rampant lesbianism and must be stopped

“And he (the security guard) goes ‘there’s a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.’ And I said ‘well, we weren’t making out, but we were kissing and I’m not going to stop,'” said Guerrero. The security guard then said, “The mom doesn’t want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing.” Guerrero said, “So I said ‘well, I’m not going to stop, so you’ll have to kick me out. So he said ‘so I suggest you leave then.”‘

Who do these lesbians think they are? I mean, in a city where the gay population thrives, haven’t they done enough? I mean, this mother is clearly caring about her children, and the sheer difficulty in trying to explain to her overprotected douchebag kids that two women can be together and love one another and such is simply a burden that shouldn’t be placed upon a parent. After all, if her kids see two women kiss who knows what else it might lead to, maybe her son will become a GAY! That’s how it spreads after all, you see two lesbians kiss and then you get infected and then BAM one day you’re a homo.

This mother just came to the game to try and show her children the joy of America’s pastime but instead was treated to a filth show. I am horrified for her. No one expects to go to a baseball game and see people kissing, least of all the GAYS. We all know that it says somewhere in the Bible that you aren’t supposed to be gay–it makes Jesus and polar bears cry. And polar bears are endangered! I am obviously on the side of this heartbroken mother whose children now know that there exists a chance for them to be happy with whomever they might be attracted to, unlike their father who married their stupid dumb bitch of a mother to cover up his own gay urges; that’s why he is always going up to the attic to read those men’s fitness and muscle magazines in his “special” corner…

After Guerrero was spoken to by the security guard at the game, she went around and took pictures of other couples who kissed but were not reprimanded; those couples were all heterosexual. I’m sure that that mother would agree that Safeco was right in not reprimanding those couples, after all, those people are in LOVE and can get MARRIED and make BABIES, whereas lesbians only want to STEAL babies for their disgusting witch rituals that cause Lillith Fair concerts to spring forth from the ground.

I can only conclude that these two women were viciously making out, probably fingerblasting each other and using things like this while watching Jose Vidro struggle to hit a single.

I mean, because that would be offensive and worthy of being spoken to by security. But according to Guerrero when questioned if she and her date were acting lewd in any way that would have prompted such a firm response from the security guard, Guerrero said, “We were eating garlic fries. The last thing we wanted to do was make out with each other. Honestly, that’s what it was.”

Sure. Just another lesbian lie so they can join with the forces of Satan to try and take away the America that was promised to us all by Jesus. It makes me sad.


The guys over at withleather have done a little bit of investigation on my story and Sirbrina Guerrero is also going to be a contestant on the upcoming Tila Tequila “reality” dating show on MTV and is on the cover of some magazine here, although that doesn’t take away from the idiocy of the Safeco security guards.


Beckham Strokes Ball, Scores Big Time

So David Beckham’s US soccer career has not gone as swimmingly as he (or MLS and the LA Galaxy) had hoped, there was the ankle injury that made him miss much of last season and so far this year he has been decent but not excellent. However, for one moment in last night’s game against the KC Wizards, Beckham showed some of the deft touch that made him such a worldwide phenomenon when he lifted a ball 70 yards and over the goalkeepers head for a goal.

Awesome! It turns out that this isn’t the first time he’s done this in high-level game, he apparently did it as well when he was a fresh faced teenager for Manchester United too.


A very grateful h/t to Unprofessional Foul


Carlos Guillen Needs a Donut, But Not That Kind

Carlos Guillen is a personal fantasy baseball favorite of mine. The erstwhile shortstop/first baseman for the Detroit Tigers is an excellent source of high average, home runs and even some occasional steals for my various teams. The first time I ever had him on a team, it was way back in 2004, life was great and my friend,  frustrated with lack of production and a poor playing Tigers team, dropped him outright. A few days later, needing a middle infielder, I picked up Guillen. Together with my pickup of Victor Martinez off the waiver wire, I rode their collective stellar stats to a third-place finish, it was awesome.

Since then, I have had Carlos Guillen on my team every year but 2005, I like everything he brings to the table, a .300 plus average, 20 HRs and near 100 RBI and runs, he even used to be a pretty good fielding shortstop, although some injuries have hampered his range in the last year or so, hence the initial move this year to first. Unfortunately for the Tigers, they weren’t expecting Miguel Cabrera to instantly become StoneHands over at third and so they were forced to switch Guillen back across the diamond.

This year, Guillen has been OK, he started out the season super hot, even though the rest of the Tigers struggled but he has since cooled down some, particularly after the position switch. Then, last night I was perusing the game story for the Tigers game, as I am wont to do, and noticed this little throwaway line: “Leyland said Carlos Guillen has been shifted from 3B to DH because Guillen has a bad case of hemorrhoids. Guillen made two errors in the opening game of the three-game set in Anaheim. Inge started at third Tuesday. …”

I know that baseball players are used to being in the spotlight and having fans knowing lots about their lives, but I think we can all agree that we don’t need to know about this. According to Wikipedia, “Hemorrhoids are actually the anatomical term for ‘Cushions of tissue filled with blood vessels at the junction of the rectum and the anus.'” Yum! Now I know all about Carlos’ ass cushions!

You have to believe that only a manager like Jim Leyland would have said this in a press conference, he doesn’t give a fuck about anything and he probably was trying to light a fire under his players’ asses. For Leyland who is old-school, you play no matter what, and you don’t let any bullshit excuses get in the way. That’s part of the reason why he’s been so successful and why players like to play for him. Of course, it’s also probably why Leyland smokes three packs a day…

So, anyways, Guillen now joins Kaz Matsui on the anal injury list of 2008, I can only look forward to Robinson Cano’s upcoming torn rectum injury sustained while Jeter tries “everything possible to bust out of his slump.”


One More Reason for Soccer’s Popularity

Brazil is known for her citizens’ excellence on the soccer pitch and for an equal excellence in attractiveness. Case in point, Laisa Andrioli, a 20 year old who plays for the national team and is evidently attracting lots of attention for her moves on and off the field. As someone who played varsity soccer (one year) in high school, I am quite the expert in hot soccer ladies and I feel qualified to say I’m starting to warm up to Laisa. For example:

All right, now I’m intrigued… What else do you have for me, Ms. Andrioli?


Brazil has got to have the hottest population in the world right? I mean, everyone I ever see from there is just incredibly good-looking. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is that I’m NOT from there, after all, I’m right there on the attractive scale…

Well then. I’m definitely in love. Looks like ethanol shouldn’t be the biggest export coming out of Brazil anymore. Now we’re starting to get into some risqué territory, I like where this is heading…Then I find out that Laisa has just posed nude for Sexy Magazine, so I guess you know what happens now…

Stick around after the jump for some very NSFW photos, unless you happen to be working at Smut Magazine.

h/t to Fleshbot

Continue reading ‘One More Reason for Soccer’s Popularity’


MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too

Baseball is awesome, we’re agreed on this. However, MLB: you need to stop being a giant douchebag of a corporation. The latest example is a Little League in Tinley Park, Illinois that was recently sent a cease-and-desist letter threatening a lawsuit if the league didn’t remove all MLB team names from the uniforms of the kids. It seems that for MLB, the fact that these freeloading little kids wanted to have their team names be things like the Phillies or the Cubs is absolutely ridiculous. They should be paying MLB thousands of dollars instead, obviously!

For Dave Glenn, the man responsible for making the Tinley Park uniforms, this whole situation is ludicrous. “Does a league have a right to name a local team? Baseball is saying no. That’s flying in the face of 100 years of tradition. I go out of my way to make sure we use town names, so we make it clear this isn’t a major league jersey. Now we’re told we can’t even do that. What it boils down to is the interpretation of the trademark.”

In 1992 MLB as an enterprise made approximately $1.2 billion in profits, last year they made over $6 billion, so I can certainly understand the absolutely inherent need for such lucrative moneymaking machines like Little League to start paying thousands and thousands of dollars for licensing fees. I mean, Bud Selig did only make $14.5 million last year and he probably is in the midst of a making a certain part of his body something respectable, and that kind of work simply doesn’t come cheap.

“Soon it will be THIS big!”

TThere is simply no way that Bud can be kept in all his various pills and prescriptions unless these dastardly thieving little piss-ants are crushed. After all, who needs little kids to like baseball? I mean why would MLB want to attract little kids to become life-long fans of the game? That seems like a poor waste of resources. It seems like MLB is going out of their way to push kids away from the game and towards the NFL. All the playoff games go super late now, often not ending before midnight, during the week, which means that most kids can’t stay up and see them, thus taking the games that are on the biggest stage and making them completely inaccessible to the youngest subset of fans.

But who needs little kids? After all, MLB has record attendance figures, people aren’t staying away from the game, so to MLB the chance to screw some small-town folk is just a fine way to spend an afternoon. For the kids of Tinley Park though, now they can’t go up to bat pretending to be Derrek Lee or Carlos Quentin. They can’t stare down from the mound channeling their inner Cole Hamels or Jamie Moyer (god I hope little kids pretend to be Jamie Moyer). When they make a great diving stop they can’t imagine that for a moment they know what it feels like to be Asdrubal Cabrera.

A solution may have been found, according to Steve Bowles, the league president, “We can’t have a (Major League) team name or logo on the uniform unless we buy it from Majestic. When we did a cost comparison of what we had versus that, we can’t do it for the same price. We were going to look at college names, because the licensing [cost] is different. We looked at names like the Fighting Irish and the Trojans, etc. About a third of the parents really didn’t mind the college names.”

Continue reading ‘MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too’


Jeter, Keep it in your Pants

Derek Jeter is a well-renowned cocksman, he has bedded 6 of Maxim’s Hottest 100 Women, amongst his many other conquests (cough, cough Robinson Cano…) not to mention he is grossly overpaid and has made millions and millions of dollars as a professional baseball player and 4-time World Champion.

So, Derek, you’ve already had Jessica Alba, you’ve already had ScarJo, I beseech you, please stop stealing my fantasy women. The latest, is a rumor reported in the NY Post that he may be getting involved with Minka Kelly. For those of you not familiar with the uber-hot Minka, check out the photos below. Minka is one of the stars of Friday Night Lights, a show whose first season is one of the best things I have ever enjoyed on television, although the second season left a lot to be desired. However, that wasn’t Minka’s fault. Also, her Dad is Rick Dufay a former guitarist with Aerosmith, so that’s pretty cool too.

All I can do is hope that Jeter isn’t spreading his oats with her because he’s already despoiled too many of my dream women and I don’t know if I could take any more losses. Derek, you’ve had enough! Isn’t it enough that you have three Gold Glove awards and you are one of the worst fielding shortstops in the Majors? How many more trophies must you lock up? Leave Minka alone, because I’m pretty sure she’d be totally into me. I mean, she once dated John Mayer and he’s a total douchebag, and I’m a nice guy, so therefore she’d be down with me.

Call me!

And because why not, here are a slew of pictures of the future Mrs. Slanch after the jump.

(h/t to Big League Stew for the Jeter collage) Continue reading ‘Jeter, Keep it in your Pants’


Albert Pujols is a One-Man Wrecking Crew

In last night’s game against the woeful San Diego Padres, Albert Pujols made it his business to ensure the Padres will remain in last place for the present and seemingly the rest of the season as well. That’s because in the third inning, off #2 starter Chris Young, Pujols hit a sharp liner right back at Young, breaking his nose instantly and knocking him onto his ass. With ace Jake Peavy placed on the DL only yesterday, this does not bode well for the Padres whose sole strength has been their pitching. Pujols however was not finished. Later in the third, while attempting to score from second, he slid into home plate twisting catcher Josh Bard’s ankle awkwardly and he was forced to leave the game as well. Both are likely to go onto the DL today.

After the game Pujols appeared contrite, but the damage was done. Now the Padres are going to be missing their top two pitchers and their starting catcher. For a team who scuffles to ever score any runs and whose pitching must dominate in order for them to have any chance whatsoever, this is not a good sign. Next up for Pujols is the dismantling of the Los Angeles Dodgers, expect Brad Penny to have his arm broken when Pujols rockets one into Penny’s shoulder.


Poles? We Don’t Need no Stinkin’ Poles!

Most people are looking forward to the upcoming long weekend, but for some avid sportsmen in Vermont, May 25 signals the end of days. That’s because this coming Sunday is the final day of the annual Vermont fish shooting season, an activity allowed only on the northeastern part of Lake Champlain and nowhere else in the country. From March 25 to May 25 fishermen (hunters?) are allowed to use guns and particularly shotguns in order to go after the carp, bowfin and pike that reside in the lake.

‘It’s harder to shoot a swimming fish than it is a flying duck, though it’s not easy to shoot either,” said Ron Gallant, a hunter from New Hampshire. John Noyes of Vermont said: ”Some people think it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, but it’s not that easy. It takes a lot more stamina than sitting on a river bank with a pole.”

So long as you are not using a semi-automatic weapon able to house 7 or more rounds, anything goes. You want to use a .357 Magnum, go nuts. I’m not a hunter, I’ve never gone ever, although I wouldn’t be totally opposed, I’ve just never had the opportunity, nor do I think I have the requisite patience required for such an affair. Fishing I’ve done, and found it to be incredibly mind-numbingly boring, although, I did once catch a speedboat from a bridge overpass, and the dude whose boat it was cussed me out pretty good, helping my 8 year old self learn some valuable swear words.

According to a Vermont gaming spokesman, the annual fish shooting is not a ”sporting event,” and he added: ”We’ve always had people try to stop the shoot. The idea of banning it has been introduced in the Legislature, but it never got off the ground.”

Apparently “the hunters regard the fish shoot as a way to take advantage of the good weather after a long, cold winter. ”It’s a way to get out of doors with the guys and a chance of landing a large pike,” Gallant said.

I’m not totally surprised by this, Vermont has some of the loosest gun laws in the country (despite their reputation for liberalism) and people in that area love to hunt from what I’ve gathered. That said, shooting fish just seems neither sporting nor difficult and more rednecky than anything else. At least it’s not dynamite fishing I suppose. It would seem to me that shooting fish would be more damaging to the good parts of the fish to eat, not to mention leaving lots of fun little pellets within the fish itself. Nothing I enjoy more than biting into some food and finding tiny metal shards used to bring said creature’s death about. Fun!

That said, who wants to get a gun and go shoot some fish, let’s make our own deadliest catch…


Black is Beautiful, Your Managing is AWFUL

Willie Randolph has been receiving a ton of criticism lately from the Mets faithful, many of whom have been very frustrated and disappointed in his managing. Willie’s poor decision making has been put under a microscope as the team has struggled and looked identical to the one that had the biggest regular season choke in baseball history last season.

With rumors that his head is on the chopping block, the Mets came out on Sunday and bashed the shit out of the ball, winning 11-2, apparently Willie had a fiery speech before the game, both to players and to the reporters. However, during his comments with the reporters he mentioned that he thinks SNY, the Mets owned network, has been portraying him unfairly and presenting him inaccurately.

Why [isn’t] SNY shooting me when I’m ready to go down the dugout clapping my hands and patting guys on the butt, schooling them during the game? I’m on the top step every game. … Why don’t you show that side of me so people can say, ‘Wow, jeez, Willie’s fiery’? … You watch any manager in baseball, you see him look like a bump on the log sitting there. They don’t move, they don’t talk. I’m as animated and as demonstrative and as involved and as intense as any manager in baseball.

First of all, they don’t show those things because they aren’t interesting television, secondly, because the moments that are the toughest, when things go wrong, that’s when leadership matters and most of the time it looks like that word befuddles you.

Willie went on saying he wanted to know why Joe Torre managed in a similar way and wasn’t given the same amount of grief.

“Is it racial?” Randolph asked. “Huh? It smells a little bit.”

Asked directly if he believes black managers are held to different standards than their white counterparts, Randolph said: “I don’t know how to put my finger on it, but I think there’s something there. Herman Edwards did pretty well here and he won a couple of playoff [games], and they were pretty hard on Herm. Isiah [Thomas] didn’t do a great job, but they beat up Isiah pretty good. … I don’t know if people are used to a certain figurehead. There’s something weird about it.

Joe Torre was given a break mainly because he won 4 World Series! So far Willie you’ve managed your teams to one first place division win, two second places and a third. That’s not a record that is impressive. You play with one of the highest payrolls in the league and should do better than that. And the one year you DID win the division your team ended up losing to the worst World Series winners in years in the Cardinals. So, don’t you think that maybe THAT’S where the scrutiny comes from, and why Torre got a break. Also, Torre DIDN’T get a break the last two years did he? The NY Post and other papers, and Steinbrenner himself were all pretty angry and unhappy with Torre’s lackadaisical style, hence them going out and hiring the fiery Joe Girardi.

As for the racial stuff, frankly, that’s fucking bullshit. I have never heard ANYTHING remotely considered a racist comment from Keith (who isn’t smart enough to make a backhanded racist comment), Gary loves the Mets and hates to say ANYTHING negative and Ron is so nice that he never would do anything like that. Further, the reason people are upset is because you do things like pitch Billy Wagner in back-to-back games that are blowouts and non-save situations and then the next day when it actually IS a save situation you pitch him again. Gee, maybe those previous games weren’t the best situation for him… Or maybe it’s when Dusty Baker, your fellow dumb manager, batted his team out of order and instead of waiting until one pitch was thrown, thus getting both the hitter at the plate AND the hitter who was supposed to bat out you instead only got the one out. Or maybe it’s the mishandling of Aaron Heilman who should be starting, or at least tried in that role. Or maybe it’s how Jose Reyes went from the happiest man in baseball into a petulant, unhappy little boy because you don’t handle him carefully enough?

Continue reading ‘Black is Beautiful, Your Managing is AWFUL’


Links for the Weekend

Here are some tasty delicious links to take you into the weekend.

A clear sign that there are supervillians in the world and they are working on doomsday devices, these photos of lightning over a volcano.
My friend Phaea from Phroofie Crede wrote this article about dealing with your boyfriend’s fantasy baseball addiction. Pay attention ladies.

A whole collection of Manny being Manny moments, in video form!


The Most Definitive Interview of the Decade!

There are times when the Internet is a really beautiful thing. Take for instance my posting last month about Shaun Weiss, who as a teenager played the role of “Goldberg the Goalie” in the Mighty Ducks movies. It received some pretty good page views, seemed well liked, and then, I received this comment,

Hey, it’s Shaun Weiss. This article is HYSTERICAL and makes me feel famous again. Didn’t lose weight on purpose but the ‘Duck’ money ran out and I’m just not eating as many steaks! And hey, you still recognized me in less than 30 seconds, the other day I stood in line behind Ed Norton at Gelson’s for ten minutes and had no idea till someone told me- so there. And no. not even my mother has ever written anything that long about me. Quack-

I love the Internet! Also, he’s totally right, my first article IS hilarious. So I emailed Shaun and asked if he’d be down for an interview via email and he agreed. Come along as I strap on my outer Barbara Walters (gross…) and Shaun reveals the truth behind the Ducks movies and the seedy underbelly of American celebrity worship.


Slanch: If you could fight one other child sports actor who would it be?

Weiss: Thomas Ian Nicholas. That guy has always annoyed me and he used to carry around his guitar and sing Christian songs to everybody.

Watch your back Henry Rowengartner, Goldberg isn't the only one that wants to come after you...

S: Did it bother you how the Ducks were the best youth team in the world in D2, but only one player could get above the freshmen team in D3?

W: Not really, they were all older and bigger. An average squad of seniors should be able to handle some 15 year olds- no matter how good they are.

S: Do you get free tickets to Anaheim Ducks games?

W: I used to, until one particular incident that you’ll have to research yourself. Google: Goldberg, Arrowhead Pond, VIP box, hooker,cocaine…


We’ve all had to kill a few hookers in our day…


(Go after the jump for the rest of the interview that will blow your brain; Emilio Estevez, Rollerblading, backstage orgies, oh my!)

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

May 2008