Archive for the 'Celebrities' Category


The Raptors Must HATE Their Fans

The Toronto Raptors must be trying to drive down their attendance or something, that’s the only reason I can think of for why they would unleash a cruel and unusual punishment on their fanbase. On February 3rd the team will hold “Fan Night” at the Air Canada Centre, innocuous enough, in fact, down right pleasant; but wait, there’s MORE!

The game will be held against the New Jersey Nets!  Yes the same team that currently sits 2-26 and has shown no sign of ever improving. Wow, what a GAME! If that’s not enough to get you into the game, THERE’S MORE!

At halftime, for the fans, as a way to HONOR and APPRECIATE them, the Raptors will unleash VANILLA ICE!


WHY! How much would they have to pay you to go to that game? Hundreds of American dollars right?

Is there some kind of plot where the owner of the Raptors wants to lower attendance in order to relocate to Miami? Otherwise, this just seems especially cruel.

[Last Angry Fan]


Anna Kournikova Visits the Troops

She didn’t win any tournaments when she was a on the professional tennis tour, but I’m sure Anna Kournikova won over a few hearts when she recently visited some of the troops stationed at the North Kabul International Airport compound in Afghanistan. The USO-sponsored trip brought Kournikova, comedian Dave Attell, singer Billy Ray Cyrus (sans Miley which I’m sure was the most disappointing to the soldiers) and of course, the big star, tennis coach Nick Bollettieri (who? yeah, I don’t know either.)’

I think it’s safe to say that, as funny as he is, Dave Attell was NOT the most looked-forward to celebrity for the soldiers. Kournikova was extremely gracious on her 3rd USO trip, signing autographs and taking loads of pictures with the assembled troops “I am extremely proud and privileged to be here,” she told them. “Thank you so much to you and your family for all you do.”

[International Security Assistance Force HQ Public Affairs]


The Chosen One Has a Name

Despite having been born on December 8th, Tom Brady and Gisele had struggled to come up with a name for their bouncing baby boy. Well, the wait is over, the future stud/football star has a name. On her website, Gisele posted this bit of news today:

I want to thank you all with all my heart for the immense love I have received here on the website. It is a pleasure to receive messages from each one of you here.
I am living a very special moment in my life, Benjamin is a blessing and I could not be happier.
I would also like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and 2010 with lots of light!
Kisses Gisele

Did you see how she sent me kisses! I think my messages have been getting through to her!


Banging Stephen Dorff is More Memorable Than Tiger

Somehow this slipped past all the blogs out there — which is especially amazing considering the amount of pornography that sports bloggers look at — but last May, while taping something for the Naughty America website, porn star Holly Sampson admitted that she had sex with Tiger Woods. It went unnoticed though, until all the current hoopla exploded on everyone’s face.

Of course, Tiger only gets third billing, after Kevin “huge cock” Costner and Stephen Dorff; that’s gotta sting.

Video is SFW but has some NSFW language.


Brady and Gisele Birth Out a Son

Earlier this morning, according to People Magazine, Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady welcomed the newest little bundle of joy into their family. Prior to the birth, Gisele had told Brady she didn’t wish to know the baby’s sex, preferring to be surprised; well, it’s a BOY!

The lucky, as yet unnamed lad is the first child for the happy couple and Tom’s second son, joining 2-year-old Jack. Just 9 more and he’s got his own offensive squad!

Both mother and baby are doing well.

Congrats Tom and Gisele!

Need a babysitter?



The Media Can’t Get Enough of Tiger, Even When There’s Nothing

I have zero interest in getting into the whole Tiger Woods story, frankly, who gives a shit whether or not he cheats on his wife; besides her, obviously. It does nothing to my life and doesn’t particularly change my opinion of him which is based around the fact that he is a really amazing golfer. Everything else is irrelevant.

Having said that, here is a hilarious clip from Tuesday’s Daily Show where they just straight up eviscerate the cable news channels’ overbearing coverage of a story for which they had practically no factual information but spent dozens of hours wasting oxygen with scurrilous rumors, speculation and innuendo.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I simply don’t get why everyone is so obsessed with this story, the constant rubbernecking in these situations just simply disgusts me. Great, he cheated on his wife, I don’t get it, I’m not a cheater, but I know plenty of dudes who are, it’s not that unusual, but his cheating affects 3 people, his wife and his 2 kids, that’s it. Everyone else is irrelevant. The constant breathless updates from the “news” media are skeevy and perverse.

Besides, none of this is news to me, back when I worked at Men’s Fitness magazine in 2007 I was privy to information that the National Enquirer (which is owned by the same parent company and shares offices) had caught Tiger in flagrante delicto. In exchange for burying the story he agreed to do a cover story for the magazine; something it could never have gotten otherwise with its low profile and shitty sales.  I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. What other men do with their penii is irrelevant to me; It’s only mine I’m concerned with.

[The Daily Show]


Derek Jeter is a BUM!

JeterJeterNoted thespian Derek Jeter was down on Coney Island yesterday filming a bit part for Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell’s new movie, The Other Guys playing a part that’s a bit incongruous with his normal image, a homeless beggar.

Wearing a silver wig, a dirty stained jacket and torn-up sneakers, Jeter gamely faced the wind and chill in the air to film his part outside Coney Island’s famous Nathans Hot Dogs.

Expect him to receive an Oscar nomination despite the fact that there were a slew of candidates with legitimate range available.

[NY Daily News]


You Outta Know… Alanis Morissette’s Marathon Time

edward-norton_photo-credit-lou-rouseMarathons attract thousands of insane people, I mean, the race is supposed to be based on a soldier running for 26 miles to tell Athens about their victory over the Persians, but last I checked, we have cell phones now and there is simply no good reason to ever run that far. What makes even less sense is to run that far in New York City where there is a GIANT public transit system. Really, these people should just take the subway, they’d get wherever they’re going easier and without pooping on themselves.

Among the 43,000 participants in Sunday’s NYC Marathon were some people who are far more important than the rest of us, REAL celebrities and not runners. Among the stars who tied up their New Balances and gave it a go were Anthony Edwards (his time was 4:08:20), Alanis Morrissette crossed the finish line in a casual 4:28:45, the late Christopher Reeve’s son Matthew did the race in 4:23:06 but best of all was the finish by Edward Norton. The 40-year-old actor finished the grueling course in a mere 3:48:01, meaning he averaged under 9 minutes a mile, not too shabby at all.

The celebrities were all running for charities, Norton was running for the Massai Wilderness Conservation Trust and joining him in the running were 3 Masai tribesman. After the race Norton wanted to do just one thing,
“I’m going to get a piece of pizza!” he said.

Me, I’d pass out. But then, I’m much more of an athlete.



The Skipper Takes in a Show by the Boss

Joe Torre at Bruce SpringsteenLast night the Philadelphia Spectrum held one of its final concerts before it is due to be destroyed with Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band holding court. Among the thousands of attendees was one Joseph Paul Torre, manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, in town to battle the defending champs, the Philadelphia Phillies.

Torre’s appearance did not go unnoticed, whether it was the many phones taking photos of him (left) or when the crowd started chanting “BEAT LA.” Even Bruce got in on the action, during “Glory Days” at the line where Bruce says “I had a friend, was a big baseball player,” Bruce pointed to the Dodgers manager.

I think it’s safe to say that Torre much prefers THIS Boss as opposed to his previous employer George Steinbrenner, who, it should be noted, is a terrible Rock and Roll musician.

[The 700 Level]


Wayne Gretzky Mixes and Mingles with Celebrities

When you’re nicknamed “The Great One” everyone wants to meet you, when you are a superstar in LA — even if it is in hockey — you get to meet tons of interesting celebrities. Via the Greatest Hockey Legends site comes some photos of Wayne Gretzky and some of the famous people he encountered along the way. People such as super-TV dad Alan Thicke and Rob Lowe, Penthouse Pet Carol Davies, the obligatory Gary Coleman shot and of course, Burt Reynolds. Neat!


[Greatest Hockey Legends]


Tom Brady’s Got ANOTHER Baby Mama

Gisele-4It’s confirmed! Clearly, Tom Brady is not a fan of condoms. The long-rumored pregnancy of his new wife, Gisele Bundchen was confirmed by Tom Tremendous in an interview with Chris Berman. Hopefully that is the only time something so ugly and Brady/Gisele’s children are near one another.

During the interview Brady joked about going to the Lamaze classes with his wife saying: “Well, it couldn’t be harder than this training camp, so I’ll be prepared. The women are the ones who have to do the work, we just have to be there and support them, so it’ll be nice to do that.”

Wow. I bet Bridget Moynahan read that and just broke about 12,000 things in her home. That just has to burn her ass don’t it.

Also, I desperately need to find a pregnant lady in the Boston area who is in their class, I don’t care if she’s preggers, I’m still happy to steal Gisele away.



Tony Romo Prefers Blondes

After breaking things off with Jessica Simpson, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo has been spotted around Dallas with a new lady on his arm, former Miss Missouri Candice Crawford. The 22-year old hottie works as a reporter covering the team for a local TV station where she evidently met the young Lothario. She’s also the younger sister of Gossip Girl‘s Chace Crawford, who as yet hasn’t introduced me to Blake Lively, something that is a MAJOR faux pas.

Considering before Jessica Simpson, ol’ Tony was with Carrie Underwood, another blonde-tressed lass, I’m going to go out on a major limb and say Tony seeks out big-breasted blondes. Bold I know.

Candace Crawford 5

[Bump Shack]

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

May 2023