Archive for April, 2008


Fenway Timelapse = Awesome!

Check out this time lapse video of a day at Fenway from setup through a game. Pretty damn awesome.


Ronaldo Kicks some Extra Balls Around

Brazilian soccer superstar Ronaldo was for a time, the greatest soccer player in the world, earning player of the year honors three times, tied for the most ever. He was married to Milene Domingues for several years, she’s a model and considered one of the best female soccer players in the world. Seems like a good choice. Then he started dating MTV VJ Daniela Cicarelli, she’s super hot, but it didn’t last. Consoling himself somehow, Ronaldo began to date Brazilian supermodel Raica Oliviera, professional smokeshow. Well done. These are women a man could be proud of, it seems though, that the AC Milan star has fallen on harder times.

While rehabbing from an injury in Brazil, Ronaldo went out the other night, as any man is wont to do and decided he wanted a little female companionship. Understandable, he’s a man with needs, and an incredibly well-known and respected person in his own country and so, seemingly should be a piece of cake to pick up a woman. Opting for some discretion, Ronaldo and his voracious sexual appetite picked up three prostitutes for a hot 4-way at a nearby motel; in Brazil, where prostitution is legal and sexuality is celebrated, this is nothing out of the ordinary.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your mindset, Ronaldo found that his prostitutes were more than meets the eye. It seems that the shes were really hes and packing some different equipment than the footballer was expecting.

Like a gentleman, Ronaldo offered the three transvestites about $600 to keep it quiet and for their time, two of them agreed immediately but one saw it as an opportunity. Instead, Andreia Albertini, transvestite hooker, decided to try and extort Ronaldo to the tune of $30,000 to keep the whole story quiet or else he’d post a video on the internet.

According to the police inspector on the case, Carlos Augusto Nogueira “Ronaldo had not committed any crimes by contracting the men, but he is looking into other claims [that Ronaldo threatened the she-men].

‘He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment,’ Nogueira said. ‘There is no crime at all.’ He added: ‘[Ronaldo] is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this. Ronaldo told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.”

Sounds like mission accomplished, after all, he did meet some new people! As for the press not finding out well…

It looks like Ronaldo needs to get back onto the field ASAP because when he’s playing and with a hot woman he’s an unstoppable force, when he isn’t he’s just another john picking up transvestites. Someone get this man a supermodel, STAT!


Today in Extra Terrestials

The Celtics, after losing the game prior, were feeling pretty down, that is, until they watched Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey and realized who they were missing. STATION! The team’s missing link has been found! Sam Cassell and this trainer guy will form together an unstoppable titan.


Is Barry Zito Biodegradable?

Have you ever thought about what you would do with a million dollars, how you’d spend it, what awesome things you could do or buy? What about winning the lottery, say, a megabucks worth 126 million dollars? Well, now imagine that you have that money and you can only spend it on one thing, a curveball pitcher who can’t strike anyone out, who walks way too many people and whose reputation is partly based on erroneously winning the Cy Young over Pedro Martinez based almost solely on win totals*. Want to kill yourself yet? Try this link that my buddy Garnold found where you can see how many years at your current salary it would take to equal Barry Zito’s yearly $14.5million. Now you’ll definitely want to kill yourself.

Only 17 months into a 7 year contract, Barry Zito has been taken out of the rotation and placed in the bullpen for the time being. With an ERA of 7.53 in nearly 29 innings, he has been ridiculously ineffective, a WHIP just shy of 2, and a K:BB of 11:15 adds up to Zito being garbage right now.

What happened to the fun-loving Zito who brought a devastating 12-6 curveball that just froze hitters? The Zito who won 40 games in his first two full seasons has disappeared from sight. The guy once struck out 200 hitters but now is lucky to get ANY swing and misses, how could this have happened?

Clearly, right now, with his control terrible, and hitters knowing this, they are keying off ALL of his pitches as he just tries to get ANYTHING to be a strike. The way he’s pitching right now, especially off his 84 mph fastball, I think even I could go 3-4 with a couple doubles off him.

Could it be that Zito misses the fun days of the crazy A’s? Back when he, Mark Mulder and Tim Hudson all lived together, everything seemed to be easy for these three stud pitchers. It seemed like they might become the new version of the Braves, with their pitchers trading off Cy Young seasons back and forth. Zito who had been maybe the most initially advanced though got passed by his teammates. Also, unfortunately, of course it bares mentioning that the offensive catalyst of that team Jason Giambi is a known steroids user and it is likely that other players on the team used them as well. Maybe Zito should call his uncle, actor Patrick Duffy for how he handled the transition from a show like Dallas to Step by Step. Or maybe Zito is out too much with the Hollywood starlets, most recently Hillary Duff. It is possible that he no longer is bringing his stuffed animal collection on the road or maybe he just needs to change his incense, maybe some Nag Champa to lighten up the room?

Continue reading ‘Is Barry Zito Biodegradable?’


For Sooth, For the Fair Force Finished First

I don’t understand many things about funny car racing, for example, the why, but at least the people in charge of funny cars have realized what it takes to get completely uninterested people, interested.

Her name is Ashley Force. Her dad is a legend of some sort in racing and she defeated him in a head-to-head race the other day. That’s what he gets for never taking her to ballet class! Also, his wife must be exceedingly attractive because John Force is not a good-looking man, it’s truly amazing the power of good genetics.

Anyways, she’s totally hot and drives fast. Here are some assembled photographs. Enjoy.



Orestes Destrade: MILF Hunter

It seems that the only thing hotter than Jayson Werth’s bat, is his mom. On Thursday’s Baseball Tonight, while showing clips of the Phillies game, Orestes Destrade got completely distracted and overwhelmed. It seems that Jayson Werth’s recent power outburst (now up to 5 HRs on the season) was a little too much for Orestes to handle. That, or maybe the fact that Werth’s mommy is hot.

Check out how Destrade can’t get off how attractive Werth’s mom is, Steve Berthiaume tries to move on but Destrade will have none of that. Something about Werth’s mummy excites something in Orestes’ testes.


Now, to be fair, Werth’s mom is pretty hot, especially for a woman with a 28 year old son. According to Werth’s wikipedia page his mom, Kim, was quite the athlete in her day, participating in the Olympic trials for the 100 meter and the long jump. Also, her father and uncle were both Major Leaguers, Werth’s birth father was a minor leaguer and her current husband, Dennis Werth, played 3 years of big league ball, so she’s a baseball gal through and through.

To be honest, my initial thought was that was his girlfriend or wife, not his approximately 50 year old mom, but, hey, I’m flexible.

My favorite part of Destrade’s comments were when he says that he hopes Werth keeps hitting home runs so that they have more cutaway shots to his mom. Classy! Hey Ms. Werth, call him! I smell a love connection. After all, Destrade does seem to fit in with your love of fringey MLB players…


No Longer the King

Corpulent Ray King was demoted yesterday by the Mets-Killing Washington Nationals to the Nats’ Columbus AAA affiliate. King, an 11 year vet has taken umbrage at this dishonor and has told the team he’d like for them to trade him to another team that will give him a major league job or he might retire.

Considering how much he blows these days (and really he hasn’t ever been good except 2004 with the Cardinals) I think the choice is pretty obvious.

I wonder what he’ll do in retirement…


Links for the Weekend

While getting all my preparations ready for the NFL draft and Foam Finger Day at Shea here are some links to take you into the weekend. Enjoy!


Comedian Steve Harvey is losing weight I guess, and so are his friends, make sure you stick around for Big Boom (above) who provides security for Steve and also writes women’s self help books. Amazing.

And these are Big Boom’s self-help books, you could buy them both for under $10… It’s never too early for gifts…

An awesome set of baseball cards for what is far and away the best baseball movie, Major League

My friend “Garnold,” who writes an awesome blog about fantasy baseball has a great bit about Edwin Encarnacion and Dusty that you should definitely read.

Here’s a story about a college basketball player trying to get people to do his homework, by advertising on facebook. Dumbass.

First MLB takes down my videos, next they’re banning water in the dugouts, is nothing safe?

Mets scrub reliever Joe Smith decides to have it out with Cubs fans, unfortunately we can’t hear what they said to start it all…

Wanna go to every baseball stadium this summer? Well, here’s a schedule for you to do just that.


An Idea to Make Baseball Better

Nationals Marlins Baseball

You’ve seen it at every Marlins home game. Same with the Pazuzu Rays or most Dodgers games. Nationals games definitely have the same issue; empty seats all over the stadium. There is nothing more pathetic than watching a game and seeing whole sections with no one in them, and no section is worse with constantly empty seats than the area behind home plate. Now, bad teams–although the Rays are on the upswing and the Dodgers should be good but their fans are generally some of the lamest possible–are always going to have trouble selling seats, I get that, but it would seem to me that there would be some inherent advantages in making it seem like more people are at the game.

There is probably no single shot used in a baseball game more than that of the center field camera focusing in on the plate, it’s probably used 200+ times per game. Wouldn’t there be some inherent value for the teams to at least pad their broadcast a little by making it SEEM like there are more people actually at the game?

I understand that for baseball teams the money generated by the seats behind home plate and around the dugouts can be enormous, but here’s something I don’t understand. If there is no one in those seats by the end of the first couple of innings why not have staff move around the stadium and offer those seats to the other fans that are spread out across the stadium. The premium seats are either sold and no one showed up or remain unsold and would be otherwise empty, so why not fill them up? Sure, some fans will be more than happy to stay in the upper decks or whateves, but most will jump at the opportunity to get closer to the action. For many fans, it would probably be the closest they’ve ever sat to the game and would be a forever memorable occasion.

What good does it do to keep those seats empty the entire game? The team wouldn’t be losing money because those seats are going to remain unsold or unused regardless and the fans that would be offered the seats would have already paid for their initial tickets. Furthermore, the amount of positive PR this would acquire could only serve to help the team that did this. If I knew that every time I went to a game that there was a chance I could be upgraded for free to a premium seat why wouldn’t I try and go as much as possible and take advantage of such an opportunity?

Now some of these seats include drink and food service, I could see that this might cause a financial loss for the team, so, solution, make server service unavailable for those who are upgraded and didn’t actually pay for the premium amenities. The game alone from that close would be special enough and I can’t imagine fans wouldn’t be cooperative or understanding.

Not only will some goodwill be earned with the fans who are supportive enough to keep coming to otherwise empty stadiums but it will spread out exponentially. As fans tune into the games or see recaps they will see that shot of home plate again and again, if they see lots of people in the seats the assumption would be that the team is more popular and might entice those important casual fans to make a few more trips to the stadium. Again, if those same fans knew there was a decent chance they would get a chance to sit in such incredible seats they would be even more likely to return several times.

In addition, the national media, ESPN, et al would eat this story up. Big rich company gives back to the little guy? Sounds to me like some really great PR for whatever team decides to employ such a strategy (or employs the brilliant guy who thought up said strategy…)

Continue reading ‘An Idea to Make Baseball Better’


It’s Gross When You’re Unappreciated

On Tuesday the Milwaukee Breweres bullpen (cough, Eric Gagne, choke, cough cough) allowed 5 runs in 2 innings to force the game into extra innings. Gabe Gross hit a double in the bottom of the 12th that got him into position to be scored by Gabe Kaplers single, winning the game. Going 2-4 with 2 doubles, 3 runs scored and a stolen base he had quite a fine stat line for the day. Not enough though in Doug Melvin’s, the Brewers’ GM, eyes. Immediately following the game Gross was dealt to the Tampa Bay Shaitan Rays for a minor league pitcher. Nice way to say thanks! What’s worse, is that this is not the first time this has happened to Gabe, he has a long history of things going well and then quickly not.

  • In third grade, Gabe brought in cupcakes for his entire class. During the recess kickball game he started suffering cramps from eating too many and threw up all over Mindy Glotzberg, his crush was never realized.
  • Junior year of high school Gross received his first awkward, teethy BJ and was feeling especially good. When getting a physical later that afternoon, the nurse informed him he had crabs.
  • While playing in Single-A, Gross and some teammates went to a Hooter’s for some wings. He asked out one of the waitresses, who accepted. While walking out the door with her of the restaurant she was struck by a truck and dragged for 13.4 miles.
  • On spring break in Cancun, Gross gets picked to be on an MTV show about wild spring breakers. He ends up on the Real World: Miami instead.
  • A few months ago, during McDonald’s Monopoly game, Gross found all three green pieces, Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Pacific, winning a free car! As he pulled off the lot he ran into a tractor trailer carrying frozen Burger King patties, totaling his new ride.
  • Two weeks ago Gabe was specially selected online to get a FREE IPHONE, he followed the links for 2 1/2 hours until his computer was infected with 13 different viruses and then spontaneously started sputtering and smoking. No Iphone was ever delivered to him.

Putin Puts In For an Upgrade

When you’re the despotic leader of a former superpower who has been forced by silly constitutional rules into an ostensibly ceremonial Prime Minister position so you can maintain an iron-grip on your country, sometimes you need something different in your life. Also, French President Nicholas Sarkozy has been traipsing around Europe showing off his new supermodel wife getting all the publicity and attention and it simply isn’t fair! Finally, seeing as how, besides Richard Branson, Vladimir Putin is the closest thing we have in the world to a legitimate Bond villain, it only makes sense that he took umbrage to these offenses and finally upgraded his accessories to fit his lifestyle.

Since 1983 Putin was married to a woman named Lyudmila–it just rolls off the tongue so lyrically doesn’t it–whom he met after she graduated college and who is quite the handsome woman. In fact, she kinda looks like what the offspring of Hillary Clinton and Liza Minnelli would be, spooky.

It seems, though, that he’s decided to trade in for a newer model; maybe not the classiest thing to do, but that’s the course he’s taken. Clearly peeved that Sarkozy was getting so much worldwide attention, Putin started to feel marginalized, like his giant stocks of nuclear weapons were meaningless solely because some French philanderer banged a supermodel. Russian pride was on the line! Like any good Bond villain, he needs appropriate arm-candy to be respected at the secret evil-doers meetings that are held, someone who will steal the eyes of men around him as he plays baccarat in Monaco so he can pour poison into someone’s glass. You know, the standard affairs of state.

Attempting to one-up Sarkozy’s catch, Putin has started seeing Alina Kabaeva, a 24 year old gold medal winning gymnast, known particularly for her extreme flexibility, turned representative in the Russian Duma for Youth Rights.


For Putin, who has daughters aged 22 and 21, this might be just a little awkward, but he’s a man of action so it shouldn’t dissuade him much; Putin is not one to shy away from the young, after all he’s always been a lover of children. I’m sure it was a hard choice, after all, Lyudmila had been a seemingly loyal partner for decades, but Kabaeva can easily flip her legs over her head. This is why Putin is so loved in Russia, his decision-making ability. I feel confident that the majority of Russia would have made the same move. Putin is a man who knows what to think with, anytime you can get a girl who can contort her body like that, you jump at that opportunity.

The biggest regret about this whole situation is that these one-upmanship world leaders battles of dating and marrying the super-hot women began after Bill Clinton was out of office! If there is any leader who would have loved to have gotten into this steamy style of affair it is ol’ Bill, but now, it’s too late and he won’t ever have the chance. I consider it a travesty. Bill could have dated Britney Spears, back when she was hot, think of the prestige that would have given our country and government! Alas, we were left with this instead…

Anyway, Alina Kabaeva is a smokeshow and I salute Putin for putting his interests out there and taking what he wanted. I don’t remember ever seeing Stalin with any hot broads so this is one more thing that Putin has over ol’ Unky Joe.

(Stick around after the jump for a pantsload of more hot Anna Kabaeva pictures)

Continue reading ‘Putin Puts In For an Upgrade’


Maybe Not One for Milton Bradley’s Hall of Fame Audition

I understand that Milton Bradley is a significantly better athlete than I am, he is capable of agility and grace, and that he has accomplished many things at the major league level. However, Monday was not one of those outings.

Embarassing! I wonder what his competitors would say sarcastically to him after such a misplay…

I can just watch that over and over and over, it’s hilarious to me. And I do agree with Buck Showalter, it does indeed look bad. He just crumples in abject horror, justifiably so, scorched cow skin raining randomly from the sky, that’s something most people would want nothing to do with. (On a tangential note, I’m glad to see Buck Showalter back on Baseball Tonight, he gives much better analysis than any other manager they’ve had on recently and was missed.)

That was not all for the bizarre outfield plays this Monday, secret pen-pals Corey Hart and Ryan Ludwick combined together to make two of the stranger plays of the evening. First, there was Corey Hart going for an easy liner off the white-hot bat of Ludwick,

now, to be fair, Corey did just miss a great catch and then banged into the wall pretty hard earlier in the game, so while he should have caught this ball, I’m not going to hold it totally against him for being uneasy about the wall again.

But wait, there’s more! Ryan Ludwick felt bad, he didn’t want to have Hart go home feeling bad about himself, he just knew it would be reflected in an angry IM message later, so he figured he’d do a little something to put the hop back into Corey’s step. With Corey at bat Ludwick charged in on a dropping liner and–

Indeed that is nasty. Strange day out here at Windswept fields

ed. to add:

Great, so MLB took down the videos. Sweet, thanks MLB. I can see why you’d want to take down any ways for the fans to possibly enjoy the game outside of After all, why utilize the millions of users on Youtube, I mean, they don’t matter at all right. Sigh. I’ll try and see about getting them back up. Blame MLB.

I apologize for the shitty screengrabs but they’re the best I can do… it kinda works…

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April 2008