Posts Tagged ‘Fenway Franks


Almost One Step From Anarchy

kindle_20090410234319487_320_240The Boston Red Sox were extremely fortunate that their home opener had to be postponed; were it not fans at the game would likely have been without a most important condiment, ketchup. Consider the butterfly effect, wherein the flapping of a butterfly’s wings can have great affect long-term, because the Sox may have just avoided such a catastrophe. In Sydney, Ohio, far away from Yawkey Way, a truck was stolen by a disgruntled employee, that wouldn’t seem to have any relation to the Red Sox, but it turns out the truck was carrying 996 bottles of Heinz ketchup ultimately destined to arrive at Fenway. Instead, Christopher Kindle (right), in a dispute with his trucking company, stole the truck and disappeared. The company didn’t notice until they received an email stating the truck had never arrived at its intended destination in Norton, MA. After finding out the importance of the ketchup, the company dispatched another truck and actively sought to find the first one. Police ultimately caught up with Kindle, who lead them to the truck’s location, in Baxter, Tennessee, far far far away from any delicious Fenway Franks.

Had the game not been delayed, it is possible that Opening Day at Fenway would have seen a lot of naked hot dogs, missing America’s favorite ketchup. Had there been no ketchup, angry fans might have thrown wrappers on the field, there, a Sox player might have slipped, injuring himself for the season, flushing the team’s championship hopes down the drain one game into the season. The thought of returning to mediocrity with our baseball team might have turned New England (even more) into a giant wallowing pit of misery, leading to depression, causing mass absences from schools and job sites around the region. This massive slow-down on the economy, coupled with the larger recession would lead to financial disaster for most of the banks and larger corporations in the area, following their collapse, and the inevitable fall into anarchy that would ensue, it is likely that by the end of this weekend, people would be cannibalizing their neighbors, living in the woods with painted faces, wearing fur clothes and without any sense of order and society.

All thanks to no ketchup.

We should all be thankful that second truck was rapidly dispatched!

[Fox Boston]


Let’s Hear it for the Dogs!

1326432274_c301e0e16bOpening Day yesterday is probably something of a holiday for the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council — a group whose BBQs you DEFINITELY want an invite to — after all, according to a statement they released, the NHDaSC predicts that 21,733,839 hot dogs will be sold at stadiums this season. That’s a whole lot of delicious pig anus!

Since everyone loves silly comparisons, the Council also explains that that many hot dogs would go around the bases 30,186 times and stretch to and from Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia and Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, FL, the two sites of the 2008 World Series.

Individually, the Fenway Frank is expected to be the best-selling and most popular dog in the land, with more than 1.5 million expected to be sold.

“There’s no question that hot dogs hit a grand slam year after year,” said Tom Super, spokesman for the Council. “The connection and nostalgia between hot dogs and baseball has been around for over a century. After all, hot dogs were Babe Ruth’s performance enhancing drug of choice.”

Buried in this press release were three other surprising items:

  1. They serve Rocky Mountain Oysters (fried bull testicles) at Coors Field in Denver
  2. The Phillie Phanatic has a specially made Hatfield Hot Dog Launcher that he uses to toss hot dogs into the stands.
  3. The Council is trying to amend “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” to include hot dogs in the lyrics.

[National Hot Dog and Sausage Council]

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February 2021