Posts Tagged ‘Arrested


Pat the Patriot Patriotically Pays for Prostitutes

A month after closing a loophole in the Rhode Island prostitution laws, legislators are already seeing results after the State Police arrested 14 people for prostitution-related crimes. Up until recently, prostitution was legal INDOORS, but the state legislature took care of that fun technicality and made it illegal and all prostitution acts a misdemeanor.

Among the 8 men arrested was 47-year-old Warwick, RI resident Robert Sormanti who is one of several people who perform the duties of Pat the Patriot, the New England football team’s mascot. The team was less than enthused releasing in a statement:

“The Pat Patriot mascot costume is worn by multiple people, each of whom are held responsible and accountable for their actions. The individual in question has been suspended. The mascot responsibilities will continue to be fulfilled by others.”

All the arrests were conducted via sting operations through Craigslist. In the first one, police pretended to be a woman offering sex in exchange for money. The second ad focused on a trooper responding to other ads placed on Craigslist. In a hopeful sign of the economy’s recovery, one of the prostitutes told police that she makes $1,000 a day and business for two of the women appeared very lucrative. One of them arrived at the meeting place in a new Mercedes and the other in a 750-series BMW.

[Turn to 10]


Mattingly Spits, Not Swallows (His Pride)

20090722-232212-pic-900632050_t607I don’t know how or why it is, but ball-players sure do seem to spit more than the average person. Maybe it’s the wide expanse of green that makes them salivate more but regardless, spitting is an integral part of the game.

Growing up in the Yankees clubhouse, Taylor (son of Don) Mattingly must have seen thousands upon thousands of spittle projectiles launched. Now 24, the former 42nd round pick of the Yankees in 2003 was arrested Tuesday night for battery and criminal mischief after allegedly pushing his mother and then spitting in her face. 

I love family reunions!

The reason he was so upset? Taylor’s mom reportedly sent him a text message insulting his girlfriend and father. Taylor was also upset that his mother had canceled the cable at the family’s ranch where he was staying. Which of course, led to him flipping over tables and breaking windows. Standard fare really.

I for one am not surprised, I mean, I look at this mug-shot and all I can see is giant douchebag. In fact, I’m submitting this photo to wikipedia for the douchebag definition page.

[Courier Press]


Here’s to You Mom!

Ah Mother’s Day, a time when you can rightfully celebrate Mom for all the good things she does and has done for you throughout your life. Or, if you’re this Brewers fan, you get rowdily drunk, forcing Milwaukee’s Best to come take you away in handcuffs. Of course, it being Mother’s Day, you can’t get arrested without first dropping your pants and making your own attempt to get in on the sausage race.

[Homer Derby]


Mark Cuban Gets Busted *(UPDATED)*

Maverick Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has been charged with insider trading by the Security and Exchanges Commission for allegedly selling shares in the website company “” after learning it was raising private money. The move ended up saving approximately $750k for the man worth about $2.8 billion. From the Wall Street Journal who broke this story:

The SEC alleges in a civil action that Mr. Cuban sold his entire 6% ownership stake on June 28, 2004, after learning that was raising money through a private investment in a public entity, or PIPE. The next day, on June 29, the company announced the PIPE financing and shares of the company dropped by more than 10%. By selling his stake, the SEC alleges, Mr. Cuban avoided more than $750,000 in losses.

In a PIPE transaction new shares are issued at a discount to the current trading price. An announcement of a PIPE transaction is often followed by a drop in the stock price as shareholders anticipate their stake will be diluted.

Cuban, who was already a super long shot to become the next owner of the Chicago Cubs can likely expect that this will completely take him out of the running. Which is a shame because he’s probably the only likely buyer who could get Chicago a championship before the end of the world.

Unfortunately, Cuban was unable to use his insider trading acumen to avoid getting hosed on that Jason Kidd trade last season…


Mark Cuban, on his personal blog released this statement through his attorney:

“I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job…I am disappointed that the Commission chose to bring this case based upon its Enforcement staff’s win-at-any-cost ambitions. The staff’s process was result-oriented, facts be damned. The government’s claims are false and they will be proven to be so.”


Travis Henry Needs a Bailout

Following in the footsteps of former Dallas Cowboys All-Pro Nate Newton, former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry was arrested for allegedly distributing cocaine. Newton was busted in 2001 with 213 pounds of weed on a highway in Texas one year after his retirement. Unlike Newton who at least waited a year to get in trouble, Henry is precocious and after getting released only in June he managed to get himself into serious trouble.

Henry who signed a $22.5 million 5-year contract only last year was dumped by the Broncos who felt that his effort wasn’t commensurate with what they were paying him. Among the other reasons the Broncos dropped Henry was a reported drug test that Henry failed, testing positive for weed once more, likely resulting in a shiny new 1 year suspension.

While I’m impressed with Henry’s entrepreneurial mindset, does he really need the money that badly? Has he already spent the bonus money and first season salary he received, plus whatever monies he gets from being released? That’s just not fiscally responsible, especially in an economic downturn period. Then again, since he reportedly has fathered 9 children with 9 women, (take THAT Shawn Kemp!) maybe he was just trying to be responsible. Unfortunately for Henry, if he gets convicted he could face life in prison PLUS a $4 million fine. He owes at least that much to all the fantasy football teams he killed last season.

With Leather has a great update on this story and the affadavit on the arrest and it’s full of fun and interesting tidbits, like that Henry was going to sell 1 kilo of real cocaine and 2 kilos of “fake” cocaine, which was actually drywall. So check out their full story here.


Boston Fans Remain Classy in Tampa UPDATE

So the folks over at Red Sox Monster got a video from a fan at the game of the guy getting arrested on top of the Rays dugout during the last Sox/Rays tilt. The video isn’t especially revealing, (down in front everyone else!) but gives somewhat of an idea what was going down. I particularly enjoy the commentary from the guy filming, “this is making youtube baby!” quite the society we have built where anyone with a camera or a free blog can write or post anything they want. Totally lame right. Anyhoo, stick around for more of the always illuminating SLANCH REPORT!

[Red Sox Monster]


Look What I Found in the Mail


Stealing can be fun but in the modern age it never ceases to amaze me that people don’t get that you shouldn’t sell the things you steal right away on eBay. I mean, you don’t rob a Picasso from a museum and then two days later walk around to art galleries and offer it to them right? You gotta space these things out, wait some time, let the heat die down. Doesn’t anyone pay attention to heist movies anymore? Clearly Richard Trofatter Jr. (left), a mail-carrier in Maine has no idea as to how these things work.

mathewson-christy-1915-cracker-jackThat’s because he swiped a rare 1915 Christy Mathewson Cracker Jacks card that someone else had purchased on eBay. When the buyer never received the package, he contacted the seller, who had purchased $655 in insurance on the package. The seller then contacted the USPS who launched an investigation into the disappearance of the package. What they were able to find was that the exact same card had been sold on eBay, from Maine, for $1,211 and the seller was one, Richard Trofatter Jr. Smooth dude!

If you’re going to steal, be smart about it. Scams can be, and are, quite fun, but only if you’re smart about it. Continue reading ‘Look What I Found in the Mail’


Elvis Lives! Elvis Gets Wet! Elvis Gets Arrested!

Last night’s Cubs/Astros tilt was halted for a while thanks to tornado warnings and intense lightning storms. The grounds crew rushed the tarp out onto the field and within minutes the giant piece of plastic became an all-too-tempting slid n’ slide. We’ve seen some Rangers players this year unable to resist and go sliding, which apparently the security folk don’t mind, (I’d guess the players’ GMs do…) but apparently, if you’re just some normal dude who goes to Cubs games dressed up as Elvis, a classic baseball fan tradition–in fact I believe Abner Doubleday used to do it too, although at the time everyone thought he was kind of a dandy–the security and police folk take umbrage. It just doesn’t seem fair to me, after all, he is the King.

[Fan IQ]


Righty Reliever Simply Not Deceptive Enough

Julio Mateo is best known for…well, actually, Julio Mateo isn’t really known for anything on the diamond. He’s a scrub reliever who spent a couple years with the Mariners, never particularly distinguishing himself. He had one semi-solid year in 2005 and otherwise there is nothing noteworthy about his playing career.

These days he’s pitching in the SF Giants’ minor league system and was arrested over the weekend for passing counterfeit $100 bills. Mateo, no stranger to the lawman was also once arrested in May 2007 in a Manhattan hotel after he he admitted to striking his wife and was charged with third-degree assault which then precipitated his release from the Mariners system.

Reportedly, Mateo and a teammate were in a taxi on their way back to their Albuquerque hotel when he used the fake $100 to pay the $26.80 cab fare. The driver then tried to use the bill to pay his dispatcher but  after using a marking pen, they found out it was fake and so he drove back to the team’s hotel and called the police.

When police approached Mateo in the hotel and started patting him down, he immediately told them in Spanish that he “didn’t pass the bad money.” Probably not the best thing to say when they haven’t even informed you yet why they are there; methinks it smacks a skosh of guilt.

Although certainly not as much as the two stacks of fake $100 bills in his hotel room on the table that the police found upon entering his room, that more screams guilt than smacks. Mateo was taken into custody by the Secret Service and is likely to be charged sometime in the next few days. The Giants have yet to take any action against him, but it seems probable that his attempts to get back to the majors will be on hold for the next 7-10…


Root for the Black and Gold(en Showers)

The Boston Bruins used to be a proud and respected franchise. They went to the playoffs every season for over 20 years at one point, but these days find it impossible to get out of the first round, if they are even able to qualify. Right now the Bruins are fighting for their lives against their arch rivals, the Montreal Canadiens. If not for an overtime goal in game 3, the Bruins would be down 3-0 in their 7 game series. Understandably the fans have been frustrated. I, for one, gave up on the Bruins officially after they traded away Joe Thornton for nothing and he went on to win the MVP.

Boston does love its hockey though and the fans have been coming out for the playoffs. One fan, Walter Cutler, 40, took his love of the Black and Gold to a new level when he was charged with open and gross lewdness and disorderly conduct.

Getting arrested at a hockey game is not a big story. In fact, it’s highly respected and expected, particularly during the playoffs. But ol’ Walt took it a step further.

Continue reading ‘Root for the Black and Gold(en Showers)’


Al Reyes Knows How to Party

Al Reyes, the Beelzebub Rays closer last year, went out last night to celebrate his 38th birthday. Showing how baseball players are just like us, he entertained himself at a local bar and had a few drinks in his own honor. Then, as anyone is wont to do, he got into a fight, broke a ceramic pot, was Tased twice by an off-duty cop and spit blood on the people around him. Standard birthday fare. In fact, that’s the EXACT same breakdown of my 5th, 16th, 19th and 23rd birthdays. I hope he got a Game Gear too! According to Rays PR flak Rick “Please stop calling me ‘Wild Thing,’ I get it, I’m in baseball and we have the same name but please god just let me live my life in peace” Vaughn, “We are looking into the situation as we are just learning of it.” So rest assured the Beelzebubians are on top of it. Continue reading ‘Al Reyes Knows How to Party’


Someone REALLY Liked the Squid and the Whale (UPDATED)

Penn State basketball player Stanley Pringle who thought masturbating in the library would bring him the ladies is denying that that is what he was doing.

Pringle explained simply that he has “a bad habit of putting his hand down his pants. Why would I need to masturbate? This is how I chill, ma’am.”

Among his other good moments in his police interview was when he denied even having been in the library and then “remembered” he had been there and talked with the young lady in question.

According to her, he initially sat down on her study table and asked if she wanted to buy some “hand-lotion” that he was selling for the basketball team. Smooth dude, VERY smooth. Now that’s a line that will easily win the ladies over!

Hearing the sound of flesh slapping against flesh, the lady in question answered her cell phone and went to leave the area and escape him. When she came back he was tying his pants back up and rubbing his hands together like “he had put lotion on them.”


Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

May 2023