Posts Tagged ‘Beijing Olympics


Screw Like a Champion

olympic-condom-ringsThe Beijing Olympics were legendary for the amount of sex the athletes were having, the organizers distributed over 100,000 condoms to the athletes, very few of which remained. Those unlucky few that did, about 5,000, were bought up by a collector who is now going to sell them off at the equivalent of about $.13 apiece.

Each condom wrapper includes the motto of the Beijing Games, “Faster, Higher, Stronger” in English and Chinese

Unfortunately, you have to buy the entire lot, you can’t purchase the condoms individually at the Exceptional Auction of China Sport Collection to be held on the 29th of November.



1 in 10 Olympians Hurt in Beijing

A recently completed study conducted by the IOC found that 1,055 athletes were treated for various injuries and ailments during the Beijing games. Nearly 100 injuries were related to the head and almost half of all of them were injuries were leg or foot problems, usually thigh or ankle strains. And, in news sure to shock the world,

The sports most dangerous to Olympians’ health were boxing, soccer, handball, field hockey, taekwondo and weightlifting. Each reported injuries to around one in seven athletes.

Four sports reported that none of its athletes lost training or competition time: flatwater canoeing, diving, sailing and synchronized swimming.

You’re telling me that NO one managed to get hurt during synchronized swimming? I am SHOCKED! All the contact, the tackling you’d think more injuries would occur. I’m also thankful that the sailing athletes were able to tough it out and work through their callouses and boat shoe toe injuries.


My Preference is the Rhythm Method

Gymnastics are always a crowd pleaser at the Olympics in terms of ratings, mostly because tiny, hot women who can bend their bodies in distinct ways are generally appealing to males. Almudena Cid is a a Spanish gymnast who performed in the rhythmic gymnastics competition, I have zero idea of how one is supposed to pronounce her name but I am able to recognize her hotnessosity. Any woman who is as flexible as she is is A-OK in my book. Cid, who is 28, has worked as a model for the underwear company, the Love Store and Nike, not to mention is one of the oldest gymnasts in the games this year and was not expected to contend for a medal at all, she is up there in the competition to become one of my future ex-wives though, so that’s a plus.


Her Name Was Lolo

Lori “Lolo” Jones is an American hurdler who has won several national championships and a world championship in her main event, the 60 meter hurdles. Also, before the games it was rumored that she was going to race a horse but it turns out that was a hoax. Despite clipping the final hurdle in the finals of 100 meter hurdles at the games the other night, she’s still a winner to me, and really, for all of us. Only 26, she may be too old for the 2012 games, but I think she’s going to come back and dominate. Born in the heartland in Iowa, Lolo is as American as they come, and I for one want to celebrate her as a wonderful American hero, preferably on a romantic dinner date to my apartment where I chloroform her and we live a happy life together forever.


Even I Don’t Have THAT Much Free Time

Brian Berg is a world champion cardstacker and showed the full levels of his expertness when, over 20 days(!), he created exact replicas of the Olympic stadiums. The fact that he was able to make the girders and holes that in the Bird’s Nest is simply incredible and very impressive. Then again, to get to that skill level requires years of sitting in your basement building card houses that get knocked over as soon as your Mom comes downstairs with cookies and juice, so there are trade offs I suppose. I definitely don’t have the patience for something like this, I think the first time a card fell off and a whole section came down I’d probably immediately go on another 6 state killing spree, and I just don’t think I can handle that again. Imagine being on a date and telling a girl that you’re a professional card stacker, how long after you drop a bomb like that do they leave, 5 minutes? After dessert? I have to imagine that if you are a pro card stacker though that you’re not getting laid that often anyways, after all, if a project like this takes 20 days you probably don’t have much opportunity…

[FanIQ via Gizmodo]


Everyone Synchronize Your Watches

I may have gotten suckered by my own dyslexia on a sham synchronized swimming story, but Jenna Randall, 19, of Great Britain is all real, and a tasty morsel for the eyes. She definitely has a Kristin Cavalieri-look about her, but unlike Cavalieri, Randall is actually talented so, there is that one big difference. It is also interesting that at one point, Randall counted Laguna Beach as one of her favorite television shows. When she isn’t in the pool swimming in coordination with others, she’s a student in college in England. I don’t think they do mixed teams in synchronized swimming, but I think she and I are the perfect groundbreaking duo and I’m ready to make history with her. Join us in the gallery below the jump as we get a chance to follow Jenna from birthday cakes to pole dancing.

Of course, for Jenna and all the other fine athletes of the day for these Beijing Olympics, check out this page for lots of fun times.

Continue reading ‘Everyone Synchronize Your Watches’


Beware the Mighty Gaydarski

After months of bilateral negotiations, Bulgarian human superweapon Krasimir Gaydarski has been deployed to Beijing for the Olympics at the host country’s request in order to help prevent any potentially fabulous protests while the games are underway. To maintain cover, he has been assigned a role as a mid-blocker on the men’s volleyball team. Thanks to months of undercover research, we here at The Slanch Report were able to bring you this story, at much personal peril.

No word on how this might affect the international Jonas Brothers futures market.

h/t to loyal reader mattraw


The Chinese Show Their Sportsmanship

52 minutes into their soccer match, Chinese athletics took a sharp nosedive from respectability when Tan Wangsong kicked Belgian soccer player Sebastien Pocognoli directly into the nuts. Apparently Pocognoli’s wang wasn’t enough of a chanteuse for the Chinese and thus this necessary step had to be taken. Wangsong’s was the first of two Chinese red cards in the game, in which they eventually lost, the second coming when the team captain elbowed someone.

These types of incidents are not unknown amongst the Chinese soccer set though, in fact, they are almost common. The Chinese take a lot of pride in soccer, despite their team only qualifying for one World Cup, (Japan/Korea) where they were held without a goal for the entire tournament. After losing to Brazil in an Olympic game, there was a mini-riot outside the stadium until police came and broke it up, so this craziness is not just left to the players on the pitch.

“Most of the men’s soccer players are poorly educated,” Xu Guoqi a professor at Kalamazoo College and author on a book regarding Chinese soccer said, “One soccer player even tried to stab somebody to death in a bar fight.”Among the other poor activities on the men’s soccer team include in March 2007, a former goalkeeper for the national team, Liu Yunfei, being arrested on drug charges. Another goalie, An Qi, was caught with a prostitute in a hotel in 2005. But then again, who amongst us HASN’T been caught with a Chinese prostitute at least once?


Who Knew Badminton Was So Cute?

Tania Luiz, a 25 year old Australian is competing in the badminton event in Beijing, and while my interest in badminton before consisted mainly of being drunk and playing it in my friends’ yards, with or without the proper equipment, now I feel like my interest is growing. Perhaps Tania someday will play with my shuttlecock and whack it around with a racquet. I mean, um, well, sigh, you know what I mean.

When she’s not on the badminton court she’s a student at the Monash University in Victoria, Australia; I need to get back to college so I can go there to study a broad. Unfortunately badminton athletes don’t usually get lots of publicity and so, despite her cuteness, there is a death of quality pictures available online. Hopefully this blog posting will catapault her into the world’s consciousness. Anyway, enjoy Cutie McCuterson Tania Luiz and the photos below as our quest to unearth all the fine athletes of the Beijing games continues.


He, Who is a She, Is Only 13

Far be it from me to know more than the Olympic Committee, but methinks that the whole controversy over the Chinese women’s gymnastics team being at least 16 might have been dead on. That’s because, He Kexin, who the Chinese said was 16 so she was eligible to compete in the games is, according to the Chinese state news service, Xinhua, actually only 13. At least according to an article that they published 9 months ago about 10 rising athlete stars. Now, I am not willing to assume the Chinese government has NOT figured out a way to rapidly age someone 3 years in 9 months, thus making He eligible for the games, that seems EXACTLY like something the Chinese would have mastered and use for evil. So that is one possibility. The other one is that the Chinese lied, the Olympic committee folk know they are lying, everyone else knows they are lying, but because they are the host country no one wants to make a big to-do about it. One seems more likely to me, but then again, I’ve always believed the Chinese can control time…

The other interesting aspect of this story is how the AP found this story on Xinhua on Thursday, and saved the page, but checked back on it later and the story had been scrubbed clean from the Xinhua archives. Zhang Hongliang, an official from the Chinese gymnastics delegation told the AP that the Xinhua story was “”definitely a mistake,” and that as to changing the ages of the girls, “We are a sports department. How would we have the ability to do that?” To which I respond, you have a fascist government who controls every aspect of society, including taking little 3 year old girls and sending them to gymnastic schools where they do very little BUT gymnastics and that getting a falsified passport is not difficult when it is a GOVERNMENT produced document and one that they can be made in about 2 minutes. Particularly when the games are supposed to be China’s big coming out party and they are desperate to win as many gold medals as possible. But hey, what do I know…

I get that the rules state that she needs to be 16, but here’s what I don’t understand, why does it matter? If she was good enough to win gold as a 13 year old, then why can’t she compete? Aren’t the games supposed to be about the best possible competition? If Tom Daley can be 14 and compete in swimming what’s the difference? Is there some larger advantage gained by a 13 year old over a 16 year old? Someone please explain this to me.


Today’s Hot Olympian

Unlike Laure Manaudou, whom I’m still unsure if she’s hot or not, when it comes to Paraguayan javelin thrower Leryn Franco I have no such compunctions. When she’s not throwing her shaft around, Franco pays the bills by working as a model and beauty pageant contestant; she was the runner-up to be Ms. Paraguay in 2006 and was, the same year, also in the Ms. Bikini World pageant. Now, she’s a medal hopeful for Paraguay in her second Olympics games. I for one hope she succeeds. I also hope she likes sports bloggers because we could be magic together.


I Know There Was Something I Was Supposed To Do Today…

You spend your whole life getting ready for the Olympics, thousands of hours practicing, giving up everything in your life so that when the time comes, in your own home country, you can shine. The day of your event comes, the moment you’ve waited a lifetime for and you arrive at the venue only to be informed that you were in the second heat, not the third and are now disqualified. This is what happened to Chinese rower Zhang Liang who qualifies as the most embarrassed athlete at the games so far. Even worse, because he didn’t qualify for the singles rowing competition he also is disqualified from the doubles event as well, thus screwing not just himself but also his partner who must be a big fan of Liang right now. In typically understated Chinese manner, the director of Chinese water sports Wei Di stated simply, “This shows we still have some problems in team organization.” Good call!

This, for the record is EXACTLY what would happen to me if I was an Olympic athlete, either that or I’d show up a complete day late, right as they were awarding the medals or something. Someone should warn the Marines on duty at the Beijing embassy to get ready for Liang’s defection as I bet the Chinese sports federations are going to LOVE him.

[Gossip on Sports]

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