Posts Tagged ‘Beijing Olympics


Screw Like a Champion

olympic-condom-ringsThe Beijing Olympics were legendary for the amount of sex the athletes were having, the organizers distributed over 100,000 condoms to the athletes, very few of which remained. Those unlucky few that did, about 5,000, were bought up by a collector who is now going to sell them off at the equivalent of about $.13 apiece.

Each condom wrapper includes the motto of the Beijing Games, “Faster, Higher, Stronger” in English and Chinese

Unfortunately, you have to buy the entire lot, you can’t purchase the condoms individually at the Exceptional Auction of China Sport Collection to be held on the 29th of November.



1 in 10 Olympians Hurt in Beijing

A recently completed study conducted by the IOC found that 1,055 athletes were treated for various injuries and ailments during the Beijing games. Nearly 100 injuries were related to the head and almost half of all of them were injuries were leg or foot problems, usually thigh or ankle strains. And, in news sure to shock the world,

The sports most dangerous to Olympians’ health were boxing, soccer, handball, field hockey, taekwondo and weightlifting. Each reported injuries to around one in seven athletes.

Four sports reported that none of its athletes lost training or competition time: flatwater canoeing, diving, sailing and synchronized swimming.

You’re telling me that NO one managed to get hurt during synchronized swimming? I am SHOCKED! All the contact, the tackling you’d think more injuries would occur. I’m also thankful that the sailing athletes were able to tough it out and work through their callouses and boat shoe toe injuries.


My Preference is the Rhythm Method

Gymnastics are always a crowd pleaser at the Olympics in terms of ratings, mostly because tiny, hot women who can bend their bodies in distinct ways are generally appealing to males. Almudena Cid is a a Spanish gymnast who performed in the rhythmic gymnastics competition, I have zero idea of how one is supposed to pronounce her name but I am able to recognize her hotnessosity. Any woman who is as flexible as she is is A-OK in my book. Cid, who is 28, has worked as a model for the underwear company, the Love Store and Nike, not to mention is one of the oldest gymnasts in the games this year and was not expected to contend for a medal at all, she is up there in the competition to become one of my future ex-wives though, so that’s a plus.


Her Name Was Lolo

Lori “Lolo” Jones is an American hurdler who has won several national championships and a world championship in her main event, the 60 meter hurdles. Also, before the games it was rumored that she was going to race a horse but it turns out that was a hoax. Despite clipping the final hurdle in the finals of 100 meter hurdles at the games the other night, she’s still a winner to me, and really, for all of us. Only 26, she may be too old for the 2012 games, but I think she’s going to come back and dominate. Born in the heartland in Iowa, Lolo is as American as they come, and I for one want to celebrate her as a wonderful American hero, preferably on a romantic dinner date to my apartment where I chloroform her and we live a happy life together forever.


Even I Don’t Have THAT Much Free Time

Brian Berg is a world champion cardstacker and showed the full levels of his expertness when, over 20 days(!), he created exact replicas of the Olympic stadiums. The fact that he was able to make the girders and holes that in the Bird’s Nest is simply incredible and very impressive. Then again, to get to that skill level requires years of sitting in your basement building card houses that get knocked over as soon as your Mom comes downstairs with cookies and juice, so there are trade offs I suppose. I definitely don’t have the patience for something like this, I think the first time a card fell off and a whole section came down I’d probably immediately go on another 6 state killing spree, and I just don’t think I can handle that again. Imagine being on a date and telling a girl that you’re a professional card stacker, how long after you drop a bomb like that do they leave, 5 minutes? After dessert? I have to imagine that if you are a pro card stacker though that you’re not getting laid that often anyways, after all, if a project like this takes 20 days you probably don’t have much opportunity…

[FanIQ via Gizmodo]


Everyone Synchronize Your Watches

I may have gotten suckered by my own dyslexia on a sham synchronized swimming story, but Jenna Randall, 19, of Great Britain is all real, and a tasty morsel for the eyes. She definitely has a Kristin Cavalieri-look about her, but unlike Cavalieri, Randall is actually talented so, there is that one big difference. It is also interesting that at one point, Randall counted Laguna Beach as one of her favorite television shows. When she isn’t in the pool swimming in coordination with others, she’s a student in college in England. I don’t think they do mixed teams in synchronized swimming, but I think she and I are the perfect groundbreaking duo and I’m ready to make history with her. Join us in the gallery below the jump as we get a chance to follow Jenna from birthday cakes to pole dancing.

Of course, for Jenna and all the other fine athletes of the day for these Beijing Olympics, check out this page for lots of fun times.

Continue reading ‘Everyone Synchronize Your Watches’


Beware the Mighty Gaydarski

After months of bilateral negotiations, Bulgarian human superweapon Krasimir Gaydarski has been deployed to Beijing for the Olympics at the host country’s request in order to help prevent any potentially fabulous protests while the games are underway. To maintain cover, he has been assigned a role as a mid-blocker on the men’s volleyball team. Thanks to months of undercover research, we here at The Slanch Report were able to bring you this story, at much personal peril.

No word on how this might affect the international Jonas Brothers futures market.

h/t to loyal reader mattraw

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

March 2020