After the Tampa Bay Buccaneers “honored” Mike Alstott by retiring his jersey and reminding him that he has been a part of a dysfunctional, idiotic franchise because they weren’t able to figure out how to put a properly spelled uniform on him, you’d think that would be the end of the story. But, it turns out that Tampa fans are just as douchey as the organization. For attending the game, fans were given a special Mike Alstott bobblehead. Fans were so touched and impacted by this that DURING THE GAME they were putting the bobbleheads up for sale on eBay. Now that’s celebrating a true Tampa “legend.”
Posts Tagged ‘Douches
23
Oct
08
Tampa Fans 100% Not Classy
Due to an outpouring of negative responses from media and the general populace at Nike’s doucherie, they have changed their minds regarding Arien O’Connell and have declared her to be “a” winner in the Nike Women’s Marathon. Since they already awarded winner’s awards to another, despite that woman finishing 11 minutes behind O’Connell, she is only declared a winner as opposed to THE winner, which of course, she is. O’Connell will receive the same prize money and trophy as the “elite” runner did and to make sure that this embarrassment never happens to Nike again, they’ve opted to eliminate the elite runner category and everyone will start at the same time next year. At least the right thing was eventually done, it’s just a shame that Nike had essentially to be shamed into doing it.
Shane Victorino has been a pest these playoffs, with a huge grand slam in the first round and then being a catalyst towards a benches emptying standing around “fight,” but now he’s REALLY done it, he’s angered PETA. After revealing that his favorite food is Spam musubi, the Flying Hawaiian has irked the publicity whores over at PETA who sent him a letter about their recent investigations into the pig farm that supplies the manufacturer of Spam. “We suspect that the cruelty in every can of Spam will infuriate Shane more than a high Hiroki Kuroda fastball,” says Dan Shannon, PETA’s assistant director, in a note. “If Shane likes Spam a lot, he should buy tickets to the Broadway play but leave it off his dinner plate.”
Several things about this story interest me. One, Shane Victorino has poor taste in food. Two, who knew that Spam actually came from pigs! Three, PETA has GOT to get a life and get over themselves. Four, Don Shannon LOVES shitty puns. When the story was brought to the attention of a Phillies PR rep, the rep said he’d ask Victorino for a comment, after the World Series. After the jump is the letter from PETA, an organization that I wish would just stick to real animal rights issues.
And a hearty h/t to Philly.com for the “Frying Hawaiian” bit.
30
Sep
08
High School is Hard
So this video hit the ol’ tubes sometime yesterday and it is being purported to be a tape of the Melbourne (Florida) High School volleyball team being hazed. Even if it isn’t that school it’s still a tape of high schoolers being douchebags to one another and for that, I can post it here. If it is the volleyball team then it CERTAINLY belongs, seeing as how I love hazing!
This hazing is a little bit strange, it starts with the girls being dressed as clowns, OK, standard stuff, I’m enjoying it so far. Then the girls are herded into a circle and the random boys at this party then mercilessly beat them with pillows. I’m not quite clear on the reason for this part. It seems to me that if you’re going to allow non-team members beat the shit out of your hazees you might as well just get some mafia goons to break kneecaps. I feel like it is a violation of hazing etiquette to let the boys in. Also, at 5:50 in the clip one of the boys says “Raping is tiring,” so that’s fun! The video is a little long and punctuated with high school girls being shrill and loud, but it’s certainly interesting. After the pillow beating the senior girls take the hazees off to a beach where they will be egged and floured. Even MORE fun!
Fox’ piece of television trash, Moment of Truth, has signed on the biggest money grubber of them all, Jose Canseco. The show, on which participants are asked the most personal and embarrassing of questions and, if they are willing to tell the true answers to a national audience it is worth cash, is likely to lose a lot of money on Canseco since the man has zero shame and doesn’t care who he takes down with him.
According to KLAC AM 570 in LA:
Canseco already has taped the episode and according to my source that was in attendance during the taping, Canseco was asked if he ever injected Mark McGwire with steroids and if he ever corked his bat among other questions that were asked during the taping. The episode of “The Moment of Truth” with Canseco is supposed to air in late September or early October.
I wonder how much Fox is going to be pushing that during the MLB playoffs. The biggest issue I have, besides that such an awful piece of television exists in the first place, is that the questions and his responses are taped before the show ever airs, all that matters is that he answers the same as he did before. I have no doubt that Jose believes most of the drivel that he speaks, whether it is true or not, and lie detectors are merely tracking whether or not you are lying, if Canseco believes it to be true than it won’t show up as a lie. I hope this doesn’t hurt Jose’s chances at an MLB comeback, because I feel like he was really really close…
02
Jul
08
It’s One Series…
I don’t know who exactly this guy is saluting, but I’m glad that Sox fans are staying classy. Sigh. It’s shit like this that’s why everyone hates us.
We all think about doing it, but for most people, common sense kicks in and we don’t indulge our inner demons. I’m of course referring to the our inner desires to kick our respective bosses asses. Well, Shawn Chacon found his breaking point on Wednesday and grabbed general manager Ed Wade by the throat and throwing him to the ground and then jumping on top of him.
That’s certainly a way to express your displeasure at being removed from the rotation over the weekend. Of course, when you begin the season with 9 straight no-decisions and are currently 2-3 with an ERA over 5 in 15 starts, maybe it’s not the GM’s fault…
“I sat down to eat and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, ‘You need to come with me to the office,'” Chacon said. “I said ‘for what?’ I said ‘I don’t want to go to the office with you and Cooper.’ And I said, ‘You can tell me whatever you got to tell me right here.’ He’s like, ‘Oh, you want me to tell you right here?’ And I said, ‘yeah.’ I’m not yelling. I’m calm.”
Continue reading ‘Shawn Chacon Chokes His Way Out of the Majors’
The tournament at Wimbledon has begun play, and as someone who especially loves the grass, I am excited. It hasn’t been all fun and games across the pond though, Wimbledon it seems is besieged by pigeons that disturb the players and the courts.
Initially 2 hawks were employed to dissuade pigeons from being in the area and bothering players on the courts. Unfortunately the hawks were unable to do the job completely, and so the staff at Wimbledon turned to some army marksmen to cull the pigeons.
“The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job,” Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins said. “But unfortunately there were one or two areas where the hawks didn’t deter the pigeons, so it was deemed necessary to take a harder approach.”
Predicatably, the whiners at PETA immediately took offense to this and started making trouble.
“Since the use of marksmen to kill pigeons appears to have been carried out as a first, rather than a last resort, and not out of a concern for public health, but rather because the animals were deemed inconvenient by players, you appear to be in clear violation of the law,” PETA vice-president Bruce Friedrich said.
Ignoring the fact that PETA is totally ignoring that Wimbledon first tried to use hawks to get rid of the pigeons, the fact that army marksmen were being used to do this is totally awesome; and second of all, who gives a shit? They’re pigeons! Even the most ardent Buddhist could care less about pigeons, they’re flying rats. They spread disease, they poop on everything and provide zero benefit to the world. Even further, it’s not as though there is a lack of pigeons in England. I’ve lived in England, there are too many goddamn pigeons there, killing the few that are around Wimbledon is no big deal and there will be no discernible difference in the nation. It’s not as though they are endangered, or protected, or useful, or attractive, or interesting.
Also, I love that, to PETA, it’s totally fine for hawks to kill pigeons but not humans. I can gurantee that the marksmen kill the birds a whole lot faster and painlessly than the hawks do. If I had to choose an expert marksman or a hawk to kill me, I think the decision is pretty easy. So PETA doesn’t mind animal-on-animal violence right? Well, what exactly are humans if not smarter animals? So Bruce Friedrich, sit down and shut up, no one is going to rally around your cause for pigeons.
Maybe if they were cuter. Or nicer. Or worthwhile in any manner. But they aren’t. I only wish the marksman could set up outside PETA. No wait, that’d be cruel.
I only wish that a swarm of hawks can be released inside PETA headquarters. I’m perfectly willing to allow some pigeons to live if it were to mean less PETA douches.
T.J. Simers is a columnist for the Los Angeles Times sports section who gets paid to bloviate, and so I can understand why he’d get angry when other people do it for free and are better at it than he is. That said, his column today is in reference to Curt Schilling who wrote a post on his blog, 38Pitches, about his experience sitting courtside next to the Lakers bench at game 2. TJ though didn’t take too kindly to Schilling’s admittedly uninformed statements. Schilling’s main point was that he was completely astounded by the fact that Kobe was a petulant whiny little girl throughout the game, glaring angrily at his teammates and generally being the uber-douche that everyone claims him to be. Curt was surprised by how poor a teammate Kobe was being, particularly in contrast to the other members of the team.
I have no idea how the guys in the NBA play or do things like this, but I thought it was a fascinating bit of insight for me to watch someone in another sport who is in the position of a team leader and how he interacted with his team and teammates. Watching the other 11 guys, every time out it was high fives and “Hey nice work, let’s get after it” or something to that affect. He walked off the floor, obligatory skin contact on the high five, and sat on the bench stone faced or pissed off, the whole game.
That’s not exactly the work of a team leader is it? But TJ Simers doesn’t think that is a fair assessment at all, starting out his article with the words of a man who wants to cross the divide:
Curt Schilling is gutless.
He sits courtside in Boston for Game 2, eavesdropping on the Lakers’ bench — and how would he like someone listening to what they have to say in the Red Sox dugout, and then makes it appear on his blog, “38 Pitches,” that Kobe Bryant is some kind of jerk who berates his teammates.
Well, I have two things to say, regarding both of those statements.
- Does this look like a man who is “gutless?”
- Yeah, Kobe would never be a complete asshole to his teammates, that’s ridiculous!
So, that’s a good start to an article. I mean, both of your points are wrong, and you’ve resorted to cheap insults to boot. WOW! What expansive and beautiful writing! I’m sure the Los Angeles Times is overjoyed to have a man who can write such uplifting and carefully crafted phrases on the payroll. H.L Mencken would be glad to see that a strong newspaper tradition continues, especially in Los Angeles where television and film can so easily otherwise overshadow. Continue reading ‘TJ Simers is Where the LA Times Keeps the Douches’
10
Jun
08
The Rocket is Launched
The hits keep coming against Roger Clemens; now a report in the Daily News says that Clemens was popping Viagra while he was playing and hid the pills in a GNC vitamin bottle to avoid suspicion or ridicule. Well done on that. Apparently, athletes have been popping Viagra as a performance enhancer because it:
- “Helps build endurance, especially for athletes who compete at high altitudes
- Delivers oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently
- Counteracts the impotence that can be a side-effect of testosterone injections”
And here I thought it was just to keep your dick hard! It has so many other useful attributes! So this means that whenever you look back at any of Clemens’ starts the last few years, it is very likely he was out there on the mound sporting a boner. I have so many questions! For instance, most baseball players wear jock straps right, so was he packing a boner against a cup? Ouch! Was Clemens just walking around the clubhouse rocking his rocket? How long did Derek Jeter just stare at it and eagerly lick his lips? After a tough loss did Torre ever say to Clemens “Stay strong Rog, we’re all pulling for you?” Did he and Andy Pettite have Viagra parties together where they pop the pills and just hang out? At Clemens’ workout routines which were so “legendary,” was he doing squat thrusts with an engorged member?
To think, I once looked up to this man. Now he’s a philandering, syringe using, cheater who was walking around all the time with a chubby. Great. Sometimes I forget that a lot of baseball players are also d-bags. Quite the last few months for Clemens, eh? I wonder if he has ever thought he should have just done like Andy Pettite and admit a little and get away with the rest. Now since he has been so indignant and insisted on suing Brian McNamee, sleazy story after sleazy story has come out. From nailing underage girls to boner pills, the Rocket is really hitting every possible bad publicity story possible. Tonight at 11: Clemens sells crack to school kids!
Ronnie Craven is a man who likes to use Craigslist to find women for him to woo. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, except that he likes to pretend that he is a member of the front office staff of the Seattle Supersonics. “I am going to be honest with you. I don’t work for them,” Craven told a Seattle Post-Intelligencer reporter, “(The situation was) all brought on by an online dating thing. Craigslist. I lied to her. Does that mean I can go out there and represent the Sonics? No. Does that mean that I did it to get some (sex)? Absolutely.”
It seems that Ronnie cravenly told his local paper about how he worked with the Sonics, even being featured in an article, and fine fact-checking that they did, no one ever realized that he was lying. To the woman he was dating, he told her that he was Jeff Turner, a former NBA player.
At other times Craven presented himself to friends and acquaintances as a longtime friend of Sonics GM Sam Presti, even claiming that he had served as a scout and as an assistant coach for several games this season. At the Seattle Athletic Club he told players in a pickup game that he was Todd Lichti, another former NBA player, of course, Lichti is only 6′ 4″ and Craven is 6′ 8″…
When the woman confronted Craven about his dishonesty, he immediately apologized, she said. “He said doesn’t know why he did it, yada, yada, yada. This guy really went above and beyond. I knew nothing about basketball and he said, ‘Great, because I hate talking about basketball and girls wanting to be with me just because I was a player.’ ” Craven admitted that he wasn’t Jeff Turner, but continued to insist that he had played 12 years in the NBA.
Craven proclaims that he never presented himself as a Sonics employee when interviewed by Jack Nikas, a Boston University student and reporter for the Somerville News who did the story on Craven. However, “according to Nikas, Craven walked into the newspaper’s office wearing a Sonics coaching shirt and told Nikas he was a coach and scout. He claimed he met Presti when the Sonics GM was a youth basketball player and tried recruiting Presti to Framingham State, a Division III school 25 miles west of Boston where Craven said he was the head coach.”
The Somerville story apparently was precipitated by emails that Craven’s former girlfriend believes he in fact sent to the newspaper, something which Craven denies. Ronnie Craven remains all class though, telling the Seattle P-I, “I’ll admit, it was a hoax. It was all a put-on. But somebody who I met on a dating site is trying to sabotage me. This is some broad that I lied to who said I did identity theft, (and) I am not going to know what hit me. There was no intimacy in the relationship. I never tapped her.”
I’m sure she’s very thankful for that. “To be honest with you, this whole thing has already taken its toll,” Craven continued, “I know my credibility doesn’t look so great right now. This is embarrassing for me. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I will say this is very, very disturbing.”
29
May
08
The Mariners Hate the Gays
According to this article, Seattle has an approximately 12.9% gay population, second only to San Francisco, which makes this story even more ridiculous. Sirbrina Guerrero recently attended a game against the Red Sox at Safeco Field, intending to watch the Mariners continue in their struggle against success. Unfortunately she got a lot more heartache than is normal from a Mariners game.
It seems that Ms. Guerrero is a lesbian, and she attended the game with some friends and her lover, ALSO A LESBIAN! Horror! Even worse, she kissed her LESBIAN LOVER on the lips! The nerve of these people… This disgusting bit of information is not where the story ends though. That’s because a mother sitting behind them saw the two women kiss and was obviously horrified, so she dutifully and properly reported the incident to a security guard.
Siribrina Guerrero is out to convert the world to rampant lesbianism and must be stopped
“And he (the security guard) goes ‘there’s a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.’ And I said ‘well, we weren’t making out, but we were kissing and I’m not going to stop,'” said Guerrero. The security guard then said, “The mom doesn’t want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing.” Guerrero said, “So I said ‘well, I’m not going to stop, so you’ll have to kick me out. So he said ‘so I suggest you leave then.”‘
Who do these lesbians think they are? I mean, in a city where the gay population thrives, haven’t they done enough? I mean, this mother is clearly caring about her children, and the sheer difficulty in trying to explain to her overprotected douchebag kids that two women can be together and love one another and such is simply a burden that shouldn’t be placed upon a parent. After all, if her kids see two women kiss who knows what else it might lead to, maybe her son will become a GAY! That’s how it spreads after all, you see two lesbians kiss and then you get infected and then BAM one day you’re a homo.
This mother just came to the game to try and show her children the joy of America’s pastime but instead was treated to a filth show. I am horrified for her. No one expects to go to a baseball game and see people kissing, least of all the GAYS. We all know that it says somewhere in the Bible that you aren’t supposed to be gay–it makes Jesus and polar bears cry. And polar bears are endangered! I am obviously on the side of this heartbroken mother whose children now know that there exists a chance for them to be happy with whomever they might be attracted to, unlike their father who married their stupid dumb bitch of a mother to cover up his own gay urges; that’s why he is always going up to the attic to read those men’s fitness and muscle magazines in his “special” corner…
After Guerrero was spoken to by the security guard at the game, she went around and took pictures of other couples who kissed but were not reprimanded; those couples were all heterosexual. I’m sure that that mother would agree that Safeco was right in not reprimanding those couples, after all, those people are in LOVE and can get MARRIED and make BABIES, whereas lesbians only want to STEAL babies for their disgusting witch rituals that cause Lillith Fair concerts to spring forth from the ground.
I can only conclude that these two women were viciously making out, probably fingerblasting each other and using things like this while watching Jose Vidro struggle to hit a single.
I mean, because that would be offensive and worthy of being spoken to by security. But according to Guerrero when questioned if she and her date were acting lewd in any way that would have prompted such a firm response from the security guard, Guerrero said, “We were eating garlic fries. The last thing we wanted to do was make out with each other. Honestly, that’s what it was.”
Sure. Just another lesbian lie so they can join with the forces of Satan to try and take away the America that was promised to us all by Jesus. It makes me sad.
UPDATED
The guys over at withleather have done a little bit of investigation on my story and Sirbrina Guerrero is also going to be a contestant on the upcoming Tila Tequila “reality” dating show on MTV and is on the cover of some magazine here, although that doesn’t take away from the idiocy of the Safeco security guards.
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