Archive for March, 2008


Washington Pops Their Cherry Blossom

Today we present you with another guest blogging effort, this time from my good friend Jon Eick who runs the always enjoyable food-obsessed, if you haven’t read it yet, do so immediately. Eick is one of the only people I know who willingly watches and roots for the Nationals. He also once voted for Bush and used to be a Yankees fan, so, there is that too. Anyhoo, he had tickets to both of the games this weekend at their brand new shiny stadium and offered to do a review of the stadium for the readers of The Slanch Report. Buckle up!


I went to both the first game EVER at Nationals Park, an exhibition game on Saturday against the Orioles, as well as the first OFFICIAL game, last night on ESPN, against the Atlanta Braves.


On Saturday we were only in our seats for about 3 of the 9 innings, because we were exploring everything. I didn’t get to walk around the whole stadium outside and see the trees and plaza and stuff in “front” (i.e. outside the stadium behind the home plate side). Instead, we entered through the CF gate. It’s right by the metro, and when you come out of the metro there is a really cool narrow street called ½ street, which has, or may have soon, a sort of Yawkey Way type feel to it. If they develop it as they hope to, it could be a really fun happening street (happening? You really are a 40 year old trapped in a 20something body). Right now there is no development on it yet, and there weren’t even food vendors there.

When you enter in centerfield there is a big open plaza which is cool, and you still have a great view of the game just from standing there. The cherry blossom trees in left field aren’t in bloom yet, but when they are in a week or two it will definitely be beautiful. (You’re just so damn poetic…)

The food at this ballpark is insanely good. So much good stuff everywhere, and it all appears to be of really high quality. The line for Ben’s chili bowl was about 100 people long for the whole game. However, I discovered that the “Ben’s half smoke” was available at all the food stands. The Ben’s half smoke is going to be THE signature food for Nationals Park. Fenway has Fenway Franks, Dodgers have Dodger Dogs, we have Ben’s Half Smokes. If you don’t know what a half-smoke is, that’s because it is a unique to DC thing. It’s like a 50/50 cross between a spicy sausage and a hot dog. Delicious. And you’ve got to get the Ben’s half-smoke “all-the-way” with chili, onions and mustard. One semi complaint. The food stands don’t each have their own signs, everyplace just has their name in these sort of lit up glowing neon letters, If each food place had their own unique signs, it would make the inside tunnel areas where you get food feel a little bit less strip-mallish.

DC’s own, “Half-Smoke”

There is an abundance of food vendors, underneath/in back of the stands there are just rows and rows of food vendors. Beer, there appeared to be decent selection, including Stella on tap, and what appeared to be 20 or 22 oz cups at certain locations. The restaurant in Centerfield, called “Red Porch” is quite large, as is the “Red Loft” bar above it.

Continue reading ‘Washington Pops Their Cherry Blossom’


There Isn’t Enough CGI in the World…

We can’t all stay young and beautiful forever right? In Goldie Hawn’s case, maybe more so than others…


Someone tell me which one is Jabba and which is Goldie…

Also, someone protect Kate Hudson and don’t let this happen to her.


Pierre Gets Benched

For once, common sense wins out over cash! Joe Torre has announced that Andre Ethier and not Juan Pierre will be the starting left fielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Considering that Pierre has some $30-odd million dollars remaining on his contract, (and 3 years, what were you thinking Ned Colletti?) this decision was not as obvious as the numbers seem to dictate.


Understandably, Pierre is pissed. He spent spring training bitching that he wasn’t getting enough at-bats. He ended spring training with the second most ABs on the team. Oh, and a robust .188 batting average. He still managed 6 stolen bases, but frankly, since that is the only value that Pierre brings to a team, that is no reason to start or play him regularly. Ethier in comparison is hitting .377 this spring, plays better defense and doesn’t have a lollipop arm. Also, Juan Pierre’s career never was the same after he shaved off the mustache. I think it was the source of his strength.

Continue reading ‘Pierre Gets Benched’


Why I Don’t Play Rugby

Here is some guy named Josh Graham having his testicles grabbed and yanked while playing in a rugby game (match? contest? battle of wills?) in Australia.

According to Graham, the captain of the Cornulla Sharks team Paul Gallen “…grabbed my ‘wheels’ (testicles) and gave them a bit of squeeze, 100 per cent. I looked at the ref and said: ‘What’s doing’. I wasn’t so much cranky but shocked. It’s never happened to me before. He didn’t just grab one ‘wheel’. He grabbed the whole package and it hurt at the time.”

Gallen vehemently denied touching or grabbing Graham’s genitals.

I’d play rugby if I wasn’t short, slow and uncomfortable being in a scrum with lots of sweaty men. This picture reminds me why I used to play tennis instead, at least then my wheels were safe with my power-train axle guiding us along.



I Simply Cannot Compete With This

With one of the more incredible and wonderful headlines I’ve ever seen, I present you this story about Formula One President Max “British Charleton Heston” Mosely.

I can’t invent stories this good. 5 hookers? Check. Sex orgy? You got it. Nazi sex games? I don’t even know what that entails, but check. Son of the founder of the British Fascist Party? Big check.

Seriously. This is a story that you have to read.

“They’ll have to pry my hookers out of my cold, dead hands.”

It’s the Greatest Day of the Year!

This afternoon the MLB season kicks off in full swing today with 14 games on tap. Finally!

Color me excited.


I’m Still Not Going to Watch Golf But…

The LPGA has recently seen an influx of interest in their events; it seems that they are moving away from the butch lesbian era and into a more fan (read: man) friendly lipstick lesbian era. For example there is Natalie Gulbis with all her FHM “fame”…

But everyone knows her, and frankly, she doesn’t do it for me. Then there is Ms. Anna “Country Club Charlize Theron” Rawson who knows how to get the ball in the hole and she does not have that same problem.

(A whole heap more after the jump)

Links for the weekend

For the weekend here are a couple links that you definitely should read to take you into the weekend. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the sheer volume of Hideki Matsui’s porn collection.

Sports Hernia Presents “Stuff Awkward White Centers Like”

This All-Robot Baseball Team from the Armchair GM is fucking hilarious.

First they came for the nipple rings, and I said nothing…

You’re never too old to have to pay for it

Awesome bath tub/aquarium

Secret East German Porno stash discovered, Hideki arranges plane tickets

Keenan and Friend Go to Good Burger

Man claims to speak “Australian” After Allegedly Being Raped by a Wombat

Have a good weekend!

The Roommate Speaks!

Our first guest blog entry comes today via epic commenter and fine human being “The Roomate”! Being a spelling prick, I made the headline to properly read roommate. Enjoy!

Well folks, another high school teacher was caught having sex with a student. This time is it was 25-year-old Heather Kennedy who teachers math at Wantagh HS in Long Island, NY, as reported by the New York Post.

Ms. Kennedy did it high-school style: in her car in the parking lot of another area HS, Massapequa High. After ‘parking’, the 16-year-old she was cruising with asked her if she wanted to have sex, and she agreed. I like how the 16-year-old covered his ass from a potential date-rape charge by asking his teacher if she wanted to statutorily rape him. Oh, laws!

Continue reading ‘The Roommate Speaks!’


Uh Hideki…? (UPDATED)

Sports Frog has this fun little tidbit on paper fetishist Hideki Matsui that frankly blew my brain.

“In 2003, the Asian edition of Time Magazine did a puff piece on Matsui as he was coming to America, and reported that:

(Matsui’s) only eccentricity, if it can be called that, is his extensive private library of adult videos. His refreshing ability to laugh self-deprecatingly about his porno collection, reporters say, is one reason why fans and even nonfans have taken to him so much.”” also has a link to a sports illustrated report that says “Matsui has 55,000 distinct items in his porn collection.” (link NSFW)

55,000? That’s a whole lot of tentacles…

Definitely read the Sports Frog article, as it is pretty damn funny.

And for anyone who was confused by J. Temperance’s comment in the original post, this is the bet he was referring to.

“Mmmm, stupid baseball game, now I have to wait three hours to pound one out…”

Washington Solves All Problems That Matter!


Good news! President Bush who hates steroids so much–except when he owned the Texas Rangers and they employed Ivan Rodriguez, Juan Gonzalez and Jose Canseco–won’t have to deal with a totally awkward moment at Opening Day for the Nationals’ new stadium. Scheduled to throw out the first pitch, the nominal receiver of said pitch would be the catcher no? Well, who is supposed to be the starting catcher for the Washington Nationals? Could it be Paul Lo Duca? The same Paul Lo Duca who was mentioned so prominently in the Mitchell Report? The Paul Lo Duca who sent this lovely handwritten note to Kirk Radomski? I think it just might be.


Uh Hideki…?

Yankees outfielder Hideki Matsui annouced his marriage today at a press conference, his wife didn’t show up so he did the apparently next best thing, by drawing a picture and holding it up next to him. Supposedly his new wife is a 25 year old woman, but I think it is just as likely she is a graphic novel character. That honeymoon is going to be epic. I for one do not want to be vacationing anywhere near it…

From AM NY

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

March 2008