Archive for August 14th, 2008

14
Aug
08

I Hope He Wins 50 Gold Medals

Forget Michael Phelps, everyone else can just pack it in, Australia has the best athlete in all of these games. Ladies and gentleman, I introduce you to Kamikaze, an Australian cyclist. Born James Hildenbrandt, he legally changed his name to Kamikaze. I have no idea if he is a contender of any sorts for any medals but I’m going to say he’s going to dominate and destroy every cycling record that ever existed. Also, when he’s not cycling, Kamikaze is a boilermaker which is totally awesome. You just know that as soon as his events are done Kamikaze is going out on the town and getting rip-roaring drunk, like destructive drunk. We should totally party together. Kamikaze, come to NYC and we’ll have a great time!

14
Aug
08

For the Royals He Isn’t Half Bad

There are sometimes some very silly bobblehead giveaways, for example, the other night the Dodgers gave out a Joe Beimel bobblehead. Beimel, best known previously for getting drunk before the 2006 playoffs and getting hurt in a bar, thus ending his team’s hopes in the playoffs, was voted to get a bobblehead even before such actual stars like Matt Kemp or Chad Billingsley. These things are all politics.

Sometimes, teams plan bobblehead promotions too far in advance, for example, when the Toronto Blue Jays cut Frank Thomas only days in advance of his bobblehead day, or the Kansas City Royals, who planned a Tony Pena Jr. bobblehead night in the beginning of the season. Only problem is, now, Pena is hitting a robust .160 and lost his starting job long ago to rookie “sensation” Mike Aviles. Because they already planned the night and had the bobbleheads made, the Royals are going through with the promotion which will be held on September 6.

Who knows, maybe between now and then the slick-fielding Pena will suddenly learn to hit and become an unstoppable offensive force, propelling the Royals to AL Central glory, and thus making him worthy of a bobblehead. Or he could languish on the bench for the rest of the season as a defensive replacement and then fade off to obscurity. If I were him, I’d grab a couple of those bobbleheads, methinks there won’t ever be another Tony Pena Jr. day in the big leagues.

“The decision to have a Tony bobblehead promotion was made back in February and March,” Royals vice president of sales and marketing Mark Tilson said, “When you think about the Royals situation back then, Tony was coming off a very good year and was regarded around the league as one of the top defensive shortstops in baseball. There was really no way of anticipating that he wouldn’t be the regular starter now. And when we plan these promotions and carry them out, it’s not really performance based.” Which means that the promotional staff and the scouting staff work off the same idea! Yes! Nailed it!

14
Aug
08

Who Knew Badminton Was So Cute?

Tania Luiz, a 25 year old Australian is competing in the badminton event in Beijing, and while my interest in badminton before consisted mainly of being drunk and playing it in my friends’ yards, with or without the proper equipment, now I feel like my interest is growing. Perhaps Tania someday will play with my shuttlecock and whack it around with a racquet. I mean, um, well, sigh, you know what I mean.

When she’s not on the badminton court she’s a student at the Monash University in Victoria, Australia; I need to get back to college so I can go there to study a broad. Unfortunately badminton athletes don’t usually get lots of publicity and so, despite her cuteness, there is a death of quality pictures available online. Hopefully this blog posting will catapault her into the world’s consciousness. Anyway, enjoy Cutie McCuterson Tania Luiz and the photos below as our quest to unearth all the fine athletes of the Beijing games continues.

14
Aug
08

Presidential Doppelgangers

Andrew Jackson was our 7th President and is being honored with a $1 gold coin likeness and so it seems only apt to point out that Old Hickory shares a remarkable likeness to the don of the baseball writers, the most respected reporter in the game, Peter Gammons. Gammons of course, is a hall of fame writer, one of the few old-guard reporters who isn’t terrified by the internet and blogs and in fact, has long embraced and supported them. Andrew Jackson commanded the US troops in New Orleans in the War of 1812 where, outnumbered by over 2,500 he and his troops fought and won a decisive victory (had the war not already been over) suffering only 13 casualties versus the Brit’s 2,000 plus. As ever, please vote in the poll below and for all the many many other doppelgangers we have found, check out the page here.

gammonsjackson

14
Aug
08

We Don’t Swim in Your Toilet…

Edna Jamanski is a top-line US synchronized swimmer, she started at age 15 and almost immediately became one of the top US athletes in the sport. So, when the Olympic trials were held in February it was widely assumed that she was an easy pick for the team.

“The girls were going through their routine, Chopin’s Ocean Etude Opus 25 No. 12 struggling to rise above the cheering crowd, when all of a sudden the pool started turning a bright, bright red,” Susan Jackson, Jamanski’s mentor said. “I know it’s crazy, but my first thought was Shark attack! How can we work it into the routine? But nope, it was just Edna, executing a flawless spin and pissing in the pool.”

An anti-corrosive, diethyl-ethanolamine, was blamed for the marking effect and, while peeing in the pool does not preclude one necessarily from being on the team, it was apparently enough for the selection committee to opt for someone else to place on the team.

“It was horrible. Everyone started calling me Redna, and no one wanted to swim with me,” Jamanski says. “I eventually had to quit. People can be so cruel, but I’m moving on.”

Now the teenager, who suffers from a hereditary incontinence issue is currently serving as a guest lecturer for the urinary incontinence group Go-Anon, and wants to someday return to the water with her own aquatic version of The Vagina Monologues which sounds like absolute TORTURE for an audience. She’s disappointed to not go to the Olympics certainly, but is taking it in stride saying, “Gold is nice, sure, but it’s so fleeting,” Jamanski advises. “Make your own gold every day, and you won’t go wrong.”

Also, don’t pee in the pool.

[Cap News]

14
Aug
08

Erin Andrews Doesn’t Like Competition

The gents over at Home Run Derby came up with this picture from the Red Sox game last night where ESPN’s resident hottie Erin Andrews and NESN’s own hottie Heidi Watney were both stationed in the same photographers well. While Watney was on-air talking about something, Erin was behind her and, as we’ve seen with the men at Fenway, Heidi Watney’s ass just needs to be stared at. Far be it from Erin to ignore such a great sight. Although it appears like Erin doesn’t like what she sees, could Erin be threatened or does she simply find Watney’s backside unimpressive?
[Home Run Derby]

14
Aug
08

The Trojans Have Itchy Balls

What in the world is going on over at USC, the Trojans are becoming more and more of questionable program. First there was the video of Pete Carroll and hundreds of shirtless teenagers and now the team is besieged by a devastating ailment, jock itch! I didn’t realize that Paris Hilton was back dating Trojans, I always figured after Leinart she would have moved on, especially since their name is a condom brand and condoms are her kryptonite…

According to the kicker, David Buehler, over 25% of the team is currently afflicted with the terrible infirmity. But what does the kicker know, I buy that he spends a lot of his time thinking about his teammates crotches, but, I don’t buy that they actually talk to him enough for him to come up with such a number.

Receiver Travon Patterson was sufficiently “under the weather” that he was forced to the sidelines during practice announced “It burns” as he left the field. Yeah, maybe she should stop boning all those dirty USC girls and just stick with the ones WITHOUT visible outbreaks… Or maybe that’s just the code I live by, I’m not a college football player after all…

The issue, which Pete Carroll refers to as “chafing” is that “We’ve had to adjust to some new equipment that we’re wearing that didn’t work out right,” he said. “It’s funny how that happened.” I bet the players are laughing their ASSES off about it right now.

Well, even if they aren’t I can.




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