The Slanch Report

Just when the Duke Rape scandal seemed to go away, Rape rears its not so ugly face on campus once more; Ashley Rape that is. The freshman soccer player who was ranked as the 5th best soccer recruit in the country will be joining the Blue Devils’ soccer team this fall. On the field, Rape has been a member of the Under-15, Under-16, Under-17 and Under-18 National Teams and was a selection for Sports Illustrated’s “Faces in the Crowd” this past February. Rape is, obviously, a striker with a nose for the ball, her senior year alone she scored 19 times, not to mention the 21 assists. If you see her coming down the field your defense had better stand up because she’s coming to score and score often. Remember, always go for the eyes and the groin. I hope the Duke athletic staff intends to keep her well away from the lacrosse boys and strippers, Rape should always be kept far far away from those parties.