Archive for the 'Olympics' Category


Beelzebub is Going for the Gold Once More

I sure wouldn’t want to have to square off against him in a face-off…



Shawn Johnson Backflips Over a Bobsled

America’s favorite pint-sized taco popper, gymnast Shawn Johnson is participating in an advertising campaign for Crunch bars along with speed skater Apolo Ohno where they challenge each other to athletic feats. Of course, this being a commercial I think it’s clear that this is totally fake, but hey, how often do you get to see a gymnast FAKE backflip over a bobsled while it careens down the track?


Hottie Swimmer is On the Market — Waiting for Me

Back during the Beijing Olympics, I fell for Australian swimming sensation Stephanie Rice, and I know that if she were to meet me she’d feel the same way. She must have sensed that because, since the Olympics and her breakup with a fellow swimmer she has been linked to several men but according to her, none of the rumors are true.

“Everyone’s always ‘Steph, you need a boyfriend’ and I’m like ‘I know, but apparently I have four’. Believe me, one would be just perfect,” she said.

Stephanie also added that while she’s busy with training and being in the public eye, that isn’t stopping her from looking for a gentleman friend. “I can definitely fit it in, that’s not my problem and I’m not making that an excuse,” but it’s not always easy knowing people’s motivation. “It’s hard to tell if people like the idea of (a relationship with Stephanie Rice) or if they really like you,” she said.

Well, Stephanie, despite having never met you, I can say that I’m in it for YOU and not your fame. Sure, you have worldwide fame, gold medals, sponsorship deals and seemingly you have it all, but without the proper life-companion, it’s all useless. Let’s take this journey through life together, let’s meet up, say halfway, how about we meet in LA?

Call me!

Also, can someone buy me a plane ticket to LA?

And the rest of you, stay away!

[Courier Mail]


This is Exactly Why I Don’t Work Out

Chilean Olympic weightlifter Elizabeth Poblete had quite the surprise during her training the other day. While practicing lifts, she unexpectedly gave birth to a baby boy!

Earlier in the week, Poblete had said she felt unwell but she was “shocked” to find out in fact that she was pregnant. The boy, born 3 months premature is in intensive care. Poblete was also in the hospital but has since left, she told Brazilian television that she doesn’t have the money to pay for medical care for her son and herself but the hospital denies that they discharged her because she couldn’t pay her bill.

At the 2008 Olympics Poblete finished 12th in the 69-75kg category.

[The Guardian]


US Curling Has Their Own Brand of Condoms — FINALLY!

With most Winter Olympics sports far below the radar of the general population, the various sporting organizations sometimes have to go to creative lengths to try and procure adequate funding, case in point, the US Curling team are selling their own specially branded condoms.

Called the “Hurry Hard condoms”, after a phrase that curlers constantly yell out to one another the idea came about when the team was trying to figure out ways to raise some cash for their team and someone joked about a hurry hard condom. Eventually everyone came around on the idea and the idea was fully germinated.

Proceeds for the condoms will be split between USA Curling and Central Coast HIV/AIDS Services with primary team sponsor Kodiak contributing some money into the fabrication of the special love coats.

“The platform that USA Curling can leverage is the Olympic exposure and excitement around the Olympics,” said Rick Patzke, USA Curling’s chief operating officer. “I’m sure it’ll bring more fodder for talk shows and things like that. But it will bring attention to the central message, which is safety and education and awareness for safer sex and HIV prevention.”



Who’s Not Honoring Stephen Now? Speed Skater Shani Davis!

American speedskater Shani Davis apparently doesn’t appreciate when people take his otherwise rarely noticed sport and provide it with television coverage and, most importantly, pay for all his training costs. Davis told reporters Thursday that he’s not a fan of Stephen Colbert who rallied his legions of fans to contribute and support the US Speed Skating team so that they are able to participate in the upcoming Olympics.

“He’s a jerk,” Shani Davis said after being asked for his take on the comedian’s criticism of Canadians. “You can put that in the paper.”

Davis has trained in Calgary in the past and has also had multiple run-ins with the US Speed skating authorities.

Presumably the comments that irritated Davis include when Colbert referred to the lack of ice-time for the US team on the Vancouver ice: “Those syrup-suckers won’t let us practice at their Olympic venues. At the Salt Lake Games, we let the Canadian luge team take 100 practice runs.”

Colbert isn’t alone in noticing the lack of ice time.

“It’s the Olympics, the point of the Olympics is to bring the whole world together and by doing that they’re kind of separating themselves off from the world,” said rising U.S. star Trevor Marsicano. “… It’s the way it is. I’m not going to complain about it.”

Unlike Davis though, Marsicano appreciates the largess of Colbert and his audience, recognizing that without their help the team would have little chance of success.

“He’s a good thing for U.S. Speedskating,” Marsicano said.



Screw Like a Champion

olympic-condom-ringsThe Beijing Olympics were legendary for the amount of sex the athletes were having, the organizers distributed over 100,000 condoms to the athletes, very few of which remained. Those unlucky few that did, about 5,000, were bought up by a collector who is now going to sell them off at the equivalent of about $.13 apiece.

Each condom wrapper includes the motto of the Beijing Games, “Faster, Higher, Stronger” in English and Chinese

Unfortunately, you have to buy the entire lot, you can’t purchase the condoms individually at the Exceptional Auction of China Sport Collection to be held on the 29th of November.


Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

April 2020