Archive for April, 2008

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21
Apr
08

In No Longer Appropriate Giveaway News

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , , ,

Frank Thomas was given his outright release by the Toronto Blue Jays on Sunday in a somewhat surprising move given that he is a known slow starter and seemed to at least still have something, albeit not his former MVP glory, in the tank. The decision was made more with an eye on the bottom line than anything else; Thomas had a $10 million option that would have been automatically triggered with 300 plate appearances, a very reachable target if he were the starting DH. Now, the Blue Jays are able to play professional hitter Matt Stairs instead and soon, hot prospect Adam Lind. For the future of the franchise, this makes perfect sense, but it is certainly a jones for Thomas who is now out of work. Teams like the Twins and the Mariners should seriously consider signing him as a DH, in fact, he might even be worth it if he were signed cheaply.

It seems though, that Thomas is still in the Blue Jays minds. On May 25th, one day after giving out Aaron Hill bobbleheads, the Jays are planning to giveaway 10,000 Frank Thomas bobbleheads to the fans. Oops…

No word as yet if they are Frank in the powder blues, I can only wish it so. I hope that they have been made already and are sitting in some Toronto warehouse right now. I would be truly saddened if these never got the chance to be in the public’s hands. I for one, cannot wait to find one on ebay!

Now that would be a fun game to go to. Would he show up? Would they still mention anything about it? Will they change the event?

Also, on a semi-related note, why is there all this talk about Thomas getting resigned but at the same time Mike Piazza remains completely out of work. Is Thomas at this stage significantly better than Piazza? One of my friends insists it is backlash against the Piazza being gay rumors and that teams are scared of him. Regardless, I have to think a team like the A’s, the Mariners or the Twins could all certainly use a player like Thomas or Piazza to upgrade their offenses.

ed. to add:

Oh no! The Blue Jays are too smart for me! They have taken down their planned Frank Thomas bobblehead giveaway, and now are announcing it as a “Blue Jays Giveaway.” Double burn for Thomas I suppose, first he’s released and then they destroy all evidence of their ever celebrating him. If I were him I might have someone try all my food, maybe Ricciardi will remove all evidence of Frank Thomas ever existing…!

20
Apr
08

Danks, Nuggets, Blazers and Flames, Oh My!

By slanch 4 Comments
Categories: Awesome, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, Poor Governing, Pop Culture and Random
Tags: , , , , , , ,

April 20th is always a wonderful day of the year, the sky is blue, the trees seem extra green and leafy and in the sports world there are games in nearly all the major sports. With the baseball season getting under way and playoff series in basketball and hockey the TV set can truly turn into quite the hotbox as you switch from channel to channel.

For example, for the Chicago White Sox, finally ending a personal 11 game loss streak, John Danks tossed out a three-hit, eight strikeout 7 inning gem. Danks threw quite the heady game, taking control of his slide piece and then overpowering the Iblisian Rays by blowing smoke past them.

In the basketball arena, the Los Angeles Lakers overpowered the eighth seeded Denver Nuggets to the tune of 128-114. This afternoon the Nugs looked sluggish, blurry eyed and and the Lakers seemed hungry for something to munch on. The Lakers bonged the Nuggets’ collective bells, hitting the glass pieces as hard as possible and out-rebounded them en route to their victory. One can only imagine Phil Jackson went home after the game and lit up a giant hand-rolled leaf and enjoyed the moment, as one does.

Continue reading ‘Danks, Nuggets, Blazers and Flames, Oh My!’

19
Apr
08

Shawn Hill’s Turn to Shine

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , ,

Anticipation has built for quite some time, but now, the day of reckoning comes. Favored reader April’s relative, Shawn Hill will make his season debut against the vaunted Marlins team. The reeling Nationals, losers of their last 8 of 10 games, desperately need a shot in the arm. Hopefully Hill will deliver.

My suggestion is that he avoid having any balls go towards left field and Wily Mo ” Stone Hands” Pena.

Good luck Shawn!

18
Apr
08

Bronson Arroyo Wants You to Taste His Meat

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball, Pop Culture and Random
Tags: , , , , , , ,

My good friend Jon Eick of SoGoodBlog.com thinks these might be the greatest commercials ever. I won’t go that far, but they are certainly ridiculous.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bronson Arroyo as a musician, take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with his canon, you won’t regret it. Unless of course, you’re someone who as a rule only enjoys good music. Then you might not like it. Then again, you could also be a narc. Are you a narc? You have to tell me, you know that right?

Anyways.

So these local ads have been airing in the Cincinnati area and feature Bronson wailing on his 6 string about the joys of beef.

Look at how hard he is rocking out there! He’s got the head bob, the jiggling guitar and the flowing locks, it’s truly a wonder to behold. It’s like if Creed and Nickelback formed together to create one giant awesome band of suckitude.

I will admit, it is kinda catchy though…

I especially love the guy sitting on the bench, the fake teardrop, and then, the sheer joy and happiness he feels knowing that he is together again with JTM. Look at that smile on his face.

jtm1I don’t know that I have felt, or ever will feel such absolute joy as he has in that moment. I’m jealous. He’s sitting there, saddened by the absence of the Reds but then, BOOM, Bronson reminds him that there is goodness in the world. If that’s not a message of hope than I don’t know what is.

Bronson has a simple dream, to share his meat with all the world. Why won’t we let him? Bronson’s meat is the best. It is delicious, tender, the perfect size and fits wonderfully between buns. Bronson’s meat is sure to satisfy.

The ladies agree, Bronson’s meat is the best!

Really, someone should contact Barack Obama’s campaign, I think we found the message they’ve been looking for in these last weeks of primary season. This truly is the message of hope. YES WE CAN! TOGETHER AGAIN!

And of course a h/t to Sogoodblog.com!

18
Apr
08

Well, My Goodness That’s Long

By slanch 6 Comments
Categories: Awesome and Baseball
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I went to Shea “I’m a dump and please just close me now so the dopeness of CitiField can be enjoyed” Stadium last night for my first game there this season. It seemed like a perfect night, $5 tickets, the chance to see the apparently hapless Mets and the certainly woeful Washington Nationals, what more could I want? Well, the Nationals held the Mets down completely and handily–turns out having Brady Clark, Raul Casanova, Luis Castillo and then the pitcher is not a good lineup. Who would have thought it? Clearly not Willy Randolph who handled this game super poorly from the get-go. Anyhoo, managing only one run for most of the game and getting struck out 11 times by John “Can you imagine that the Mets are this pathetic right now” Lannan, it seemed very likely the Mets would lose. The single most exciting part of the game came when a giant tabby cat ran out of nowhere onto the field and towards the Mets dugout. It received a louder cheer than most of the players.

Completely surprising most of the crowd who were already resigned to a loss, Carlos Delgado came through in the clutch and drove in the tying run. The game ended up going 14 boring innings. Scrub pitcher after scrub pitcher got into the game, there was even a Ray “I ate 19 slices of pie before the game” King sighting! Not a very interesting game. The Mets had multiple opportunities to win the game but squandered them. Raul Casanova alone ruined most of the rally chances, and when he didn’t totally shut the door, Luis Castillo did. That 4 year 24 million dollar contract must have weighed down Castillo’s bat because it is pitiable slow, that’s what we call a shrewd investment, don’t worry, he’s only in the first year of that contract!

Regardless, the Mets eventually won in the 14th on a wild pitch. Terrible.

That didn’t end my baseball night though. Upon arriving home I noticed that the Padres-Rockies game was still tied at 0-0 heading towards extra innings. I caught up on this week’s Deadliest Catch (it was ok, but not the best episode or anything) and then looked at that game again, they were heading into the 13th. So, I figured I’d jump along for the ride.

Matt Vasgerian was calling the game for the Padres TV and announced that there was no way the game would go as many innings as 18, and if it did, he’d eat his hat. The 14th comes around and the Rockies managed to get the bases loaded, which is impressive considering they managed 2 extra base hits, then Brad Hawpe (who otherwise went 0-7 with 4 Ks (thanks for killing my fantasy team with that one) walked to score the first run of the game. In the 14th! But then, with their own bases loaded situation, the Padres scrapped together a run. So we headed to the 15, the 16th and then the 17th. As the 18th approached the announcers were clearly going a bit loopy having long ago run out of useful or interesting things to say. After the inning finished, Vasergian was presented a hat on a paper plate to eat and as they went to commercial they showed him trying to cut it with a fork and a knife while his booth partner laughed manically alongside. Also, for some inexplicable reason, they played the Oingo Boingo song “Weird Science,” tres tres bizarre.

Continue reading ‘Well, My Goodness That’s Long’

17
Apr
08

Carl Pavano Ain’t Walking Through that Door

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , ,

Now I get that as a player agent, one’s responsibilities includes putting the best possible story forward about their client, but sometimes it just gets ridiculous. For example, Carl Pavano, owner of a 4 year 39.5 million dollar contract, and possessor of a 5-6 record in only 19 games played–for those of you counting that’s nearly $8M a win–and constant DL contributor has an agent who clearly is blazing on some serious drugs. According to Tom O’Connell, “Carl’s a 1-2 starter, those guys don’t grow on trees. Those guys are very rare, 200-inning guys are very rare in this game, and they’re the ones that make the money. And he did it two years in a row, before he got hurt, and I’m sure he’s going to do it again.”

For the record, the last time Pavano pitched 200 innings was 2004, the first time he threw 200 innings was 2003. Isn’t it more likely that he is NOT going to throw 200 innings ever, since he only did so in 2 of his 9 seasons? Are we allowed to base all future opportunities based solely on what we did 4 years ago? If so, my 2004 life-stats were pretty decent, and I’d like all future employers to only look at my work from that year as opposed to anything afterwards.

Unfortunately for Pavano, baseball is a numbers game, there are stats on everything, and generally, stats and numbers don’t lie. The story the stats tell about Pavano is that not only is it unlikely that he ever pitches 200 innings again, it is unlikely he’s ever a consistent major league starter ever again.

Now, let’s look at the other part of O’Connell’s ridiculous statement, “Carl’s a 1-2 starter…” Uh, since when? Yes, in 2003 and 2004 Pavano had dope seasons, unreal seasons, but those seasons are more a statistical aberration rather than a sign of consistent ability.

Let’s face it, after dating Alyssa Milano very little worthwhile has happened for Pavano. The chances of Pavano coming back and being an efficient starter for an entire season are probably about the same as Barry Bonds and Bud Selig making a travel buddy flick together.

So while I appreciate the dedication of his agent, those comments have to be some of the stupidest and unintelligent about baseball I’ve seen for a while.

That said, I expect to see the Asstros throw a 6 year 100 million contract at Pavano this off-season while he continues his 19th year of rehab sessions.

15
Apr
08

Allison Stokke 3: The Return of the Internet Star

By slanch 5 Comments
Categories: Hot Women and Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , ,

Because I don’t need to have a reason other than the pictures are here.

Allison Stokke, pole vaulting extrodinaire/smokeshow was captured by some track and field fan at a recent meet and his photos are your gain. So, enjoy.

For me, Stokke is still the hotter of the pole vaulters, but if you’re not familiar with her competitor in this arena, check out Melanie Adams here.

For more evidence about the cold war between the US and Australia to assemble the truly hottest pole vaulter, check out here.

[MyChillPill.net]

(Plenty more after the jump)

Continue reading ‘Allison Stokke 3: The Return of the Internet Star’

15
Apr
08

Root for the Black and Gold(en Showers)

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Boston, Douches and Hockey
Tags: , , , , , ,

The Boston Bruins used to be a proud and respected franchise. They went to the playoffs every season for over 20 years at one point, but these days find it impossible to get out of the first round, if they are even able to qualify. Right now the Bruins are fighting for their lives against their arch rivals, the Montreal Canadiens. If not for an overtime goal in game 3, the Bruins would be down 3-0 in their 7 game series. Understandably the fans have been frustrated. I, for one, gave up on the Bruins officially after they traded away Joe Thornton for nothing and he went on to win the MVP.

Boston does love its hockey though and the fans have been coming out for the playoffs. One fan, Walter Cutler, 40, took his love of the Black and Gold to a new level when he was charged with open and gross lewdness and disorderly conduct.

Getting arrested at a hockey game is not a big story. In fact, it’s highly respected and expected, particularly during the playoffs. But ol’ Walt took it a step further.

Continue reading ‘Root for the Black and Gold(en Showers)’

14
Apr
08

The Brave Groupies of Paintball

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Mistakes, Other Sports and Random
Tags: , , , , ,

When I was in 8th grade, my two best friends and I decided we were going to start a paintball team. We had it all planned out, we were going to use violin cases for our custom-made paintball guns, we would arrive at tournaments in the back of a U-Haul truck and we would dominate. To go about this task, we needed money, especially since none of our parents would even consider buying us a paintball gun of our own. So to raise money we decided we’d leave change jars in some local businesses and we’d easily make enough. Unfortunately, everywhere we went they refused to let us put the jars up in their stores. Thus ended our paintball domination era.

It seems we got out too early. According to this Naughty American article paintball has hordes of groupies, and not just groupies, but slutty ones. My 8th grade self is punching himself in the junk repeatedly. Great, and now my junk really hurts. Dammit.

Some of the choicest bits of the article are from a professional paintballer who chose the eminently tasteful nom de guerre for this article of “Phil Holz.” Mr. Holz explains that when he lived near San Diego State University “Girls would flock to the house from the dorms and sororities because we were different. They must have thought, ‘These aren’t just a bunch of frat guys, they’re professional athletes.” Indeed. Professionals yes, athletes maybe, different? Well…if you mean skuzzy, then yes I suppose you’re right.

Continuing he explained that “we used the phrase ‘wear it’ to describe how these women wore their shame right alongside our semen. Ironically enough, many of them literally began wearing our T-shirts and clothes around campus. Wear it.” So, uh, that’s tasteful.

Maybe not quite as tasteful as Holz’ claim he once watched three teammates take a girl into a closet trying to start up a gang bang. “At first, she was hesitant, then Larry started asking her, ‘When are you ever going to get a chance to fuck three hot dudes like us again?’ She realized he was right, and got right to work.” And they say that the young have no work motivation! Here is a young woman getting down on her knees using some ol’ elbow grease to help America! (Warning, elbow grease is not a substitute for lube.) And how about that pickup line, what woman wouldn’t be helpless against it?

(More pictures, some NSFW after the jump)

Continue reading ‘The Brave Groupies of Paintball’

14
Apr
08

Because Politics is More Fun With Affairs

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Poor Governing and Random
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Anyone who knows me knows I live and die by my love of local British council elections. After all, that is where any real governing happens. So, it is to that end that I have been voraciously following the story of Wigan borough councilman Richard Clayton. Clayton, a four-year veteran of the Wigan council, as I’m sure you remember, won resoundingly in his first election, being massively popular in his local area and has long been a favorite of mine as an up-and-comer. However, this upcoming election in May looks to be much more challenging. It seems that a young man has decided that Clayton is no longer an efficient legislator and should be ousted. In particular, character issues seem to be at the forefront of this young man’s charges.

Normally, that would not be extraordinary, but this young man has been very familiar with Clayton’s character for many years. That would be because he is Clayton’s son, Richard Clayton Jr. The elder Clayton had been married for 40 years to Jr’s stepmother Marjorie but has been carrying on an affair for the last four years with the divorcee living across the street. For Clayton Jr, who also lives down the street (social mobility British style) this was simply too much for him to bear, especially since his stepmother can “see into their house from my living room and they can see into mine. They walk past my house together every day. They park their car right outside my gate, there’s no way I can avoid them.”

For Clayton Jr, this is unacceptable. “I warned him if he didn’t stand down I’d stand against him as an independent, and that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’ll win but I’ve already got a lot of support. The neighbours are stunned at the way he’s behaved.”

When Marjorie hired a private detective to follow her husband, the detective photographed them kissing in a parked car. When confronted by his wife, Clayton claimed merely that he knew he was being followed and decided to put on a show. Because that makes sense. Continue reading ‘Because Politics is More Fun With Affairs’

11
Apr
08

Al Reyes Knows How to Party

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Al Reyes, the Beelzebub Rays closer last year, went out last night to celebrate his 38th birthday. Showing how baseball players are just like us, he entertained himself at a local bar and had a few drinks in his own honor. Then, as anyone is wont to do, he got into a fight, broke a ceramic pot, was Tased twice by an off-duty cop and spit blood on the people around him. Standard birthday fare. In fact, that’s the EXACT same breakdown of my 5th, 16th, 19th and 23rd birthdays. I hope he got a Game Gear too! According to Rays PR flak Rick “Please stop calling me ‘Wild Thing,’ I get it, I’m in baseball and we have the same name but please god just let me live my life in peace” Vaughn, “We are looking into the situation as we are just learning of it.” So rest assured the Beelzebubians are on top of it. Continue reading ‘Al Reyes Knows How to Party’

10
Apr
08

Everything Is Coming Up Cat Poop

By slanch 5 Comments
Categories: Funny and Random
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It must be just one of those days.

So I saw a story this morning about the world’s most expensive coffee beans, apparently they run for over $100 a cup in London. You can never discount the stupidity of people, and since coffee drinkers are already tweekers, people will definitely buy them. Just on their own, the beans seem extravagant and silly, but not otherworldly ridiculous more so than any number of other silly things that the rich spend their money on. Then you find out where they come from, civets. Not familiar with the civet, get acquainted.

It seems these sorta half-cat half-monkey creatures eat cherry coffee beans and are unable to fully digest them and poop them out. Enterprising individuals then go through their droppings and extract the coffee beans, bag them up and ship them off to rich folks in London to have with their scones. Yum! Now that’s the job I need to have. What category is that under on Careerbuilders?

If that’s not classy enough for you, the other day in a supermarket, I noticed these chocolates. Now, maybe I’m old-fashioned, maybe I’m a prude, or maybe simply an animal-hater, but to me, these are unappetizing. I mean, I get it, the Germans are insane but kitten poop chocolates?

Look at how ashamed the one on the far left is. He knows what he’s doing, he knows that people are going to taste his chocolatey feces. All the other kittens are fine with their role in this catrocity, but one kitten has remorse. Obviously not enough to stop the whole caper from happening, but he knows what he’s done.

I also really appreciate the cat on the far right, he’s clearly the brains behind the whole operation. Sitting there smugly, mugging it up for the cameras. He knows that you are helpless to say no to Katzenungen.

I mean, they do look kinda delicious, and they are edelbitter, I don’t know if I can resist…

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