When I was in 8th grade, my two best friends and I decided we were going to start a paintball team. We had it all planned out, we were going to use violin cases for our custom-made paintball guns, we would arrive at tournaments in the back of a U-Haul truck and we would dominate. To go about this task, we needed money, especially since none of our parents would even consider buying us a paintball gun of our own. So to raise money we decided we’d leave change jars in some local businesses and we’d easily make enough. Unfortunately, everywhere we went they refused to let us put the jars up in their stores. Thus ended our paintball domination era.
It seems we got out too early. According to this Naughty American article paintball has hordes of groupies, and not just groupies, but slutty ones. My 8th grade self is punching himself in the junk repeatedly. Great, and now my junk really hurts. Dammit.
Some of the choicest bits of the article are from a professional paintballer who chose the eminently tasteful nom de guerre for this article of “Phil Holz.” Mr. Holz explains that when he lived near San Diego State University “Girls would flock to the house from the dorms and sororities because we were different. They must have thought, ‘These aren’t just a bunch of frat guys, they’re professional athletes.” Indeed. Professionals yes, athletes maybe, different? Well…if you mean skuzzy, then yes I suppose you’re right.
Continuing he explained that “we used the phrase ‘wear it’ to describe how these women wore their shame right alongside our semen. Ironically enough, many of them literally began wearing our T-shirts and clothes around campus. Wear it.” So, uh, that’s tasteful.
Maybe not quite as tasteful as Holz’ claim he once watched three teammates take a girl into a closet trying to start up a gang bang. “At first, she was hesitant, then Larry started asking her, ‘When are you ever going to get a chance to fuck three hot dudes like us again?’ She realized he was right, and got right to work.” And they say that the young have no work motivation! Here is a young woman getting down on her knees using some ol’ elbow grease to help America! (Warning, elbow grease is not a substitute for lube.) And how about that pickup line, what woman wouldn’t be helpless against it?
(More pictures, some NSFW after the jump)
The Slanch Report 
Recent Comments