The Brave Groupies of Paintball

When I was in 8th grade, my two best friends and I decided we were going to start a paintball team. We had it all planned out, we were going to use violin cases for our custom-made paintball guns, we would arrive at tournaments in the back of a U-Haul truck and we would dominate. To go about this task, we needed money, especially since none of our parents would even consider buying us a paintball gun of our own. So to raise money we decided we’d leave change jars in some local businesses and we’d easily make enough. Unfortunately, everywhere we went they refused to let us put the jars up in their stores. Thus ended our paintball domination era.

It seems we got out too early. According to this Naughty American article paintball has hordes of groupies, and not just groupies, but slutty ones. My 8th grade self is punching himself in the junk repeatedly. Great, and now my junk really hurts. Dammit.

Some of the choicest bits of the article are from a professional paintballer who chose the eminently tasteful nom de guerre for this article of “Phil Holz.” Mr. Holz explains that when he lived near San Diego State University “Girls would flock to the house from the dorms and sororities because we were different. They must have thought, ‘These aren’t just a bunch of frat guys, they’re professional athletes.” Indeed. Professionals yes, athletes maybe, different? Well…if you mean skuzzy, then yes I suppose you’re right.

Continuing he explained that “we used the phrase ‘wear it’ to describe how these women wore their shame right alongside our semen. Ironically enough, many of them literally began wearing our T-shirts and clothes around campus. Wear it.” So, uh, that’s tasteful.

Maybe not quite as tasteful as Holz’ claim he once watched three teammates take a girl into a closet trying to start up a gang bang. “At first, she was hesitant, then Larry started asking her, ‘When are you ever going to get a chance to fuck three hot dudes like us again?’ She realized he was right, and got right to work.” And they say that the young have no work motivation! Here is a young woman getting down on her knees using some ol’ elbow grease to help America! (Warning, elbow grease is not a substitute for lube.) And how about that pickup line, what woman wouldn’t be helpless against it?

(More pictures, some NSFW after the jump)

At another party, two players took a girl to the room of a paintballer named “Jack” in order to double team her.

“We all gathered around outside to watch, but before long we were participating. We had her yelling, ‘I love Team Fun*!’ and ‘Fuck me Beastman, fuck me!’ (Beastman is the nickname of one of our teammates.) The whole team was watching her and she loved it. No one really knows about paintball or who we are, so there aren’t any paparazzi or anything prying into our personal life.” Yeah, I’m kinda shocked by this actually. Having worked for the company that produces Star Magazine, I feel like the paparazzi world has let us down. We count on them to bring us the stories and lives of those who are important, and the fact that I have gone this long without any more recent news of Beastman and his antics is disturbing to no end. Beastman could be up to something totally AWESOME right now and I would have no idea about it!

My favorite part of the article comes from Jay Granat, a “New York psychotherapist who works with professional athletes,” who says that “it’s partly about the paintball players’ fame, money and stature, but also intangibles. These athletes have mastered a craft which is quite charming, captivating and appealing to many women.” Yes, quite the craft they have.

Don’t forget, the guys who play paintball are all class. Take for instance how supposedly “one major tournament sponsor’s flagship team penetrat[ed] their spokesmodels with the barrels of their custom guns, among other things.”

Now, paintball is fun enough, but to make a broad generalization, the guys who play it constantly are all douchebags. I have friends who play constantly, and though they are my friends, I’m not exactly lining up my sisters for dates if you know what I mean. So I guess I can’t be too surprised by this, well, at least the dudes’ actions. I gotta say, you’ve hit quite the low if all you can aspire towards is being a groupie for some paintball tools. I mean, being an NBA groupie is classless, but at least they’re balling and making serious cash–plus you know, the players being so tall it must relate, at least somewhat, proportionally…still not getting it? I mean big dicks–but paintball guys? Let’s be honest, half the reason these guys like to play with these guns and shoot one another is related to penis’, and most likely, over-compensating for said small penii. Furthermore, it’s not like these paintball guys are making any worthwhile money. I can’t imagine that even the best sponsored guys are making particularly impressive incomes, not that everything is about money, but with groupies it usually is.

So, again, and maybe I’m just over thinking this, but if I were to want to be a groupie for some non-mainstream douchey “sport” I don’t think paintball would be in the top 30 choices. For me, bass fishing, kite-surfing, bird-watching, rug cleaning, etc, all would be much more interesting and worthwhile time expenditures. But hey, that’s just me. Oh, and of course, “Wear It!”

h/t to Naughty American for the Article and Photos

1 Response to “The Brave Groupies of Paintball”

  1. 1 shatraw
    April 16, 2008 at 10:05 am

    i fucked a paintball gun once.

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