Posts Tagged ‘Basketball


President Bush Has a Basketball Jones

President Bush was in Belfast the other day and showed off his basketball prowess which is roughly equivalent to his ability as a world leader. Check out how he tosses the ball to the kids, that’s some coordination there… sigh, only 6 more months. 6 more months…


Someone REALLY Liked the Squid and the Whale (UPDATED)

Penn State basketball player Stanley Pringle who thought masturbating in the library would bring him the ladies is denying that that is what he was doing.

Pringle explained simply that he has “a bad habit of putting his hand down his pants. Why would I need to masturbate? This is how I chill, ma’am.”

Among his other good moments in his police interview was when he denied even having been in the library and then “remembered” he had been there and talked with the young lady in question.

According to her, he initially sat down on her study table and asked if she wanted to buy some “hand-lotion” that he was selling for the basketball team. Smooth dude, VERY smooth. Now that’s a line that will easily win the ladies over!

Hearing the sound of flesh slapping against flesh, the lady in question answered her cell phone and went to leave the area and escape him. When she came back he was tying his pants back up and rubbing his hands together like “he had put lotion on them.”



Someone REALLY Liked The Squid and the Whale

“I just think Noah Baumbach’s work isn’t being appreciated enough”

Penn State basketball player Stanley Pringle decided to chip out his place in college basketball lore by using the stacks in the library for more than just browsing. Pulling out his classic cylindrical tube while trying to start a conversation with a woman was apparently not the way into her heart. It was however, his entrĂ© to be ridiculed on the internet and become (in)famous. According to the article, this was not the first time that Pringle reportedly has done this, as there was a similar incident with a similar description of said pervert’s actions but as of now Pringle isn’t being charged with distributing his salt and vinegar for that incident.

Thanks to The Big Lead


Wilt has Something for you to Lick


Wilt Chamberlain, famed cocksman, is being swept up in a grassroots campaign to get onto a postage stamp. The Citizens’ Stamp Advisory Committee every year considers proposals for various famous and celebrated Americans to receive their own stamps and reportedly he could be on a stamp as soon as 2010. The initial hope had been to get a stamp in time to commemorate the anniversary of Wilt’s record 100 point game on March 2, 1962 but since the committee only approves 4 stamps a year it might have to wait. However, if Wilt can just get a letter from every woman he’s nailed, he should be well on the way to a overwhelming majority vote in his favor.


Things I Would Rather Watch Than NCAA Basketball

Today begins my least favorite sporting event of the year. I may not be the popular voice here, but there is nothing more uninteresting than college sports and especially the tournament. March Madness? More like March Badness! YES! EAT IT! Damn I’m full of wit today.

“But there are so many close games!” “The level of competition is so high!” “Buzzer-beater shots!” “Underdogs!”

Great. Do not care. You know why there are so many close games? Because most of the teams aren’t very good. If I wanted to watch boring basketball I’d be a WNBA fan. As for the underdogs, yeah, everyone loves a fun story but no one is ever a realistic chance to win. Even George Mason the other year was destined to get destroyed in the Final Four. Ultimately the top schools are going to win, and there will be no real surprises. Booooring.

I want nothing more than to NOT hear about your bracket, to not hear why Belmont has a chance to beat Duke (they don’t); I don’t want to see Digger Phelps, I REALLY don’t want to see Dick Vitale. This whole stupid event takes over the airwaves and it couldn’t be more uninteresting. I hate all college sports and don’t find them fun or good to watch at all. The overall level of competition is poor, the few stars of the college game aren’t usually even that good. For every Carmelo there are 16 Bobby Hurleys and Bryce Drews. College sports are quite simply the worst.

Here is a list of things I’d rather do than watch or deal with college sports and particularly the March Tournament:

  • A naked weekend romp with Joy Behar
  • Sponge-bathe John Clayton
  • More coverage of Brett Farve’s retirement and daily actions since retirement
  • Let Dmitri “The Meathook” Young run me over at home plate non-stop for 3 days
  • Have Charles Barkley take a crap on my chest
  • Watch Arena football
  • Coach a children’s soccer team filled with autistic kids
  • Watch the Joy Luck Club non-stop for a month
  • Get punched in the junk by everyone who has ever played a game for the Miami Dolphins

O Say Can You See

Last night the Celtics met up with the Houston Rockets, owners of the second longest win-streak in NBA history, and when the game was over the Rockets had been shot down. It only makes sense that the Celtics would be the ones to beat them, after all, our football team from New England? The Patriots. Those awesome missiles that shoot down rockets? The Patriot. Made by? Raytheon. Home base? Massachusetts.

It was preordained by God. Or, if we want to use his real name, Red Auerbach.

The first half was somewhat exciting, ending up in a 40-40 tie with neither team having a real advantage. For a little while the Rockets made a run, at one point going up by 8 but the Celts came back and tied it up.

Once the second half started the Rockets had no chance. Their star player shot 4-11 from the field, and no one on the Rockets had more than 15 points. Meanwhile the Celtics defense was RELENTLESS, holding the Rockets to 33% shooting. Final score? Celts 94, Rockets 74. If it weren’t for a last second shot, the Celts would have won by 23, the number of games that the Rockets were going for, hows that for symmetry. Continue reading ‘O Say Can You See’

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March 2023