Archive for April 18th, 2008


Bronson Arroyo Wants You to Taste His Meat

My good friend Jon Eick of thinks these might be the greatest commercials ever. I won’t go that far, but they are certainly ridiculous.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bronson Arroyo as a musician, take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with his canon, you won’t regret it. Unless of course, you’re someone who as a rule only enjoys good music. Then you might not like it. Then again, you could also be a narc. Are you a narc? You have to tell me, you know that right?


So these local ads have been airing in the Cincinnati area and feature Bronson wailing on his 6 string about the joys of beef.

Look at how hard he is rocking out there! He’s got the head bob, the jiggling guitar and the flowing locks, it’s truly a wonder to behold. It’s like if Creed and Nickelback formed together to create one giant awesome band of suckitude.

I will admit, it is kinda catchy though…

I especially love the guy sitting on the bench, the fake teardrop, and then, the sheer joy and happiness he feels knowing that he is together again with JTM. Look at that smile on his face.

jtm1I don’t know that I have felt, or ever will feel such absolute joy as he has in that moment. I’m jealous. He’s sitting there, saddened by the absence of the Reds but then, BOOM, Bronson reminds him that there is goodness in the world. If that’s not a message of hope than I don’t know what is.

Bronson has a simple dream, to share his meat with all the world. Why won’t we let him? Bronson’s meat is the best. It is delicious, tender, the perfect size and fits wonderfully between buns. Bronson’s meat is sure to satisfy.

The ladies agree, Bronson’s meat is the best!

Really, someone should contact Barack Obama’s campaign, I think we found the message they’ve been looking for in these last weeks of primary season. This truly is the message of hope. YES WE CAN! TOGETHER AGAIN!

And of course a h/t to!


Well, My Goodness That’s Long

I went to Shea “I’m a dump and please just close me now so the dopeness of CitiField can be enjoyed” Stadium last night for my first game there this season. It seemed like a perfect night, $5 tickets, the chance to see the apparently hapless Mets and the certainly woeful Washington Nationals, what more could I want? Well, the Nationals held the Mets down completely and handily–turns out having Brady Clark, Raul Casanova, Luis Castillo and then the pitcher is not a good lineup. Who would have thought it? Clearly not Willy Randolph who handled this game super poorly from the get-go. Anyhoo, managing only one run for most of the game and getting struck out 11 times by John “Can you imagine that the Mets are this pathetic right now” Lannan, it seemed very likely the Mets would lose. The single most exciting part of the game came when a giant tabby cat ran out of nowhere onto the field and towards the Mets dugout. It received a louder cheer than most of the players.

Completely surprising most of the crowd who were already resigned to a loss, Carlos Delgado came through in the clutch and drove in the tying run. The game ended up going 14 boring innings. Scrub pitcher after scrub pitcher got into the game, there was even a Ray “I ate 19 slices of pie before the game” King sighting! Not a very interesting game. The Mets had multiple opportunities to win the game but squandered them. Raul Casanova alone ruined most of the rally chances, and when he didn’t totally shut the door, Luis Castillo did. That 4 year 24 million dollar contract must have weighed down Castillo’s bat because it is pitiable slow, that’s what we call a shrewd investment, don’t worry, he’s only in the first year of that contract!

Regardless, the Mets eventually won in the 14th on a wild pitch. Terrible.

That didn’t end my baseball night though. Upon arriving home I noticed that the Padres-Rockies game was still tied at 0-0 heading towards extra innings. I caught up on this week’s Deadliest Catch (it was ok, but not the best episode or anything) and then looked at that game again, they were heading into the 13th. So, I figured I’d jump along for the ride.

Matt Vasgerian was calling the game for the Padres TV and announced that there was no way the game would go as many innings as 18, and if it did, he’d eat his hat. The 14th comes around and the Rockies managed to get the bases loaded, which is impressive considering they managed 2 extra base hits, then Brad Hawpe (who otherwise went 0-7 with 4 Ks (thanks for killing my fantasy team with that one) walked to score the first run of the game. In the 14th! But then, with their own bases loaded situation, the Padres scrapped together a run. So we headed to the 15, the 16th and then the 17th. As the 18th approached the announcers were clearly going a bit loopy having long ago run out of useful or interesting things to say. After the inning finished, Vasergian was presented a hat on a paper plate to eat and as they went to commercial they showed him trying to cut it with a fork and a knife while his booth partner laughed manically alongside. Also, for some inexplicable reason, they played the Oingo Boingo song “Weird Science,” tres tres bizarre.

Continue reading ‘Well, My Goodness That’s Long’

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

April 2008