10
Apr
08

Everything Is Coming Up Cat Poop


It must be just one of those days.

So I saw a story this morning about the world’s most expensive coffee beans, apparently they run for over $100 a cup in London. You can never discount the stupidity of people, and since coffee drinkers are already tweekers, people will definitely buy them. Just on their own, the beans seem extravagant and silly, but not otherworldly ridiculous more so than any number of other silly things that the rich spend their money on. Then you find out where they come from, civets. Not familiar with the civet, get acquainted.

It seems these sorta half-cat half-monkey creatures eat cherry coffee beans and are unable to fully digest them and poop them out. Enterprising individuals then go through their droppings and extract the coffee beans, bag them up and ship them off to rich folks in London to have with their scones. Yum! Now that’s the job I need to have. What category is that under on Careerbuilders?

If that’s not classy enough for you, the other day in a supermarket, I noticed these chocolates. Now, maybe I’m old-fashioned, maybe I’m a prude, or maybe simply an animal-hater, but to me, these are unappetizing. I mean, I get it, the Germans are insane but kitten poop chocolates?

Look at how ashamed the one on the far left is. He knows what he’s doing, he knows that people are going to taste his chocolatey feces. All the other kittens are fine with their role in this catrocity, but one kitten has remorse. Obviously not enough to stop the whole caper from happening, but he knows what he’s done.

I also really appreciate the cat on the far right, he’s clearly the brains behind the whole operation. Sitting there smugly, mugging it up for the cameras. He knows that you are helpless to say no to Katzenungen.

I mean, they do look kinda delicious, and they are edelbitter, I don’t know if I can resist…


5 Responses to “Everything Is Coming Up Cat Poop”


  1. 1 lucaschute
    April 10, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    “catrocity”

    hilarious!!!

  2. 2 the roomate
    April 11, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    wait, why does it show my name now? I can’t believe I’ve been outed(as myself) on the slanchreport.

    ADMIN!!!! FIX IT!!!!

  3. 3 the roomate
    April 11, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    whoops. i think i confused myself. feel free to delete these comments.

    ADMIN!!!!

  4. 4 Rey
    April 14, 2008 at 11:20 am

    Great reporting, Slanch! I think you said it better than even Morgan Freeman in “The Bucket List.” He strung us along for nearly two hours before giving us the punch line to his joke about what makes Kopi Luwak coffee so tasty.

    Morgan & screenwriters would be wise to read the Slanch Report before making their movies.

  5. April 14, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    Can I has diphtheria?


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