Posts Tagged ‘Bronson Arroyo


Which is Smarter, Bronson Arroyo or a Pile of Rocks?

BA_cr_10_8Bronson Arroyo has never been the brightest bulb. Hell, even in baseball which is populated with plenty of dim bulbs, Bronson’s burns among the dullest.

For instance, last week he said that he’s probably on the 2003 list of positive tests for his many supplements, but he hasn’t changed his practices at all. MLB has told all the players that before they take ANYTHING, even over-the-counter stuff that they should check with MLB first to make sure that it is allowed. Seems reasonable, after all, something you bought at GNC is not worth getting suspended over, or having your public image marred. Unless you’re Bronson and your public image already sucks.

“I have a lot of guys in [the locker room] who think I’m out of [my] mind because I’m taking a lot of things not on the [MLB-approved] list,” Arroyo said, “I take 10 to 12 different things a day, and on the days I pitch, there’s four more things. There’s a caffeine drink I take from a company that [former Boston Red Sox teammate] Curt Schilling introduced me to in ’05. I take some Korean ginseng and a few other proteins out there that are not certified. But I haven’t failed any tests, so I figured I’m good.”

Great! And going back to 2003 when he was taking andro amongst other supplements, Bronson had these choice words to say, “Man, I didn’t think twice about it. I took androstenedione the same way I took my multivitamins. I didn’t really know if this was a genius move by Mark McGwire to cover up the real [stuff] he was taking, but it made me feel unbelievable. I felt like a monster.”

Don’t worry, he’s not done, Bronson also gave the USA Today this great quote regarding the potential health risks from the supplements and vitamins and such:

“It might be dangerous,” he said, according to the report, “but so is drinking and driving. And how many of us do it at least once a year? Pretty much everybody.”

Yeah, not everybody. Some people try and act responsibly and make good decisions. But obviously Bronson wouldn’t know ANYTHING about that. This is the man who thought cornrows would be a good look for him…



Bronson and Pedro Like to Party

bronson_arroyo_boat_bikini_party_1Fresh off my story about Bronson Arroyo’s boat, the Nasty Hook, comes these photos via Busted Coverage of what looks like a fun party onboard, complete with Bronson’s former Red Sox teammate Pedro Martinez.

Then there’s this, an anonymous message board poster with a passion for creative spelling who claimed to be on the boat during the party said that:

Me and my friend were on his boat in Miami for Ragatta over the weekend. Bronson and his friends were all there on the boat everybody was drinking and tubeing. I know my friend ended up hooking up with Bronson a couple times and said he sucked another girl was saying she did to. He calls my friend all the time now. He had some of his guy friends on the boat and one of them was the guy Tony somebody mentioned here all the guys were there witout there gf’s. AND everbody was hooking up in the boat bathroom. If Bronson does have a gf or fiancay it didnt stop him somebody said hes like 35 him and his freinds acted like they were in highscool.bronson_arroyo_boat_bikini_party_8

Now, since I don’t speak retard, I can’t completely decipher this but I get the general gist I think. Regardless, it looks like Pedro is in fine game shape and had a nice afternoon on the high seas, and you know what, he deserves it.

[Busted Coverage via With Leather]


The Dread Pirate Arroyo

Ah Florida, fun in the sun, you go see spring training baseball in the afternoon and then head down to the marina and hang out on your sport yacht in the evening. Or at least, that’s what you WOULD do if you were Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo. After a grueling day of spring training, Bronson goes on-board his 48 foot yacht, the Nasty Hook to relax.

“Being out here at every night, it’s so peaceful. You sit out here and listen to the birds and have dinner as you wind down from the day. It’s a different feel than you would get living anywhere on land,” Arroyo remarked.

Complete with a wave-runner, auto-pilot capability, high-tech navigation and satellite equipment, granite counter tops, 2 bedrooms (one with a king-size bed), a modern kitchen and a silhouette of Arroyo’s unique pitching style, the Nasty Hook has everything a big-leaguer could want.

During spring training Arroyo eats, sleeps and “entertains” (see king-size bed) on his boat, which is captained by lifelong friend Tony Acosta who “makes this thing go and makes sure we always get back to port,” said Arroyo. Once the regular season begins, Acosta will take the boat up to Cincinnati so the party never needs to stop.

“When we get a chance during the regular season, we’ll get 35-40 people on the boat. We’ll run out on the Ohio River near Riverbend and just turn this thing into a club. Break out the lights and the smoke machines and they’ll be dancing on the top deck and below,” Arroyo says.

Unfortunately for Arroyo, this is the Reds’ last season in Florida for ST, next year they’re moving to Goodyear, Arizona which, being in the middle of the desert might be a little more of an issue for mooring the boat.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Arroyo says. “There’s not going to be a boat in the middle of the desert.”

Maybe Bronson can arrange a trade to the Pirates, they train in Bradenton, Florida and really, Bronson always deserved to be a pirate…

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Bronson Arroyo Believes in Friendship

Bronson Arroyo will always have a special place in my heart, his precious corn-rows were so darling when he pitched for the Sox, and for a brief period he was a totally solid 5th starter. Sure that Wily Mo trade didn’t work out, but I liked the move at the time because I thought Wily Mo might one day learn to hit a curveball. It turns out that’ll never happen.

Anyways, in the most recent Sporting News magazine they picked Bronson to be profiled with the standard generally uninteresting questions. What’s in your Ipod? OOh hard-hitting informative journalism! But, things get interesting when Bronson says his motto is: “It ain’t no fun unless the homeys can have some!” – Snoop Dogg.


Let’s look at where that lyric comes from, the fabulous, “Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)” from Snoop’s debut, Doggystyle. For example, in verse 2, when Kurupt comes in with this: “I have no love for hoes/That’s somethin I learned in the pound/so how the fuck am I supposed/to pay this hoe, just to lay this hoe/I know the pussy’s mine, I’ma fuck a couple more times/And then I’m through with it, there’s nothing else to do with it/Pass it to the homie, now you hit it/Cause she ain’t nuthin but a bitch to me/And y’all know, that bitches ain’t shit to me.”

So, Bronson’s motto is to make sure that all his friends get to fuck girls together. Now, I like my friends, I enjoy hanging out with them, we have a very nice time. Among the things we don’t do is share women, because you know, that’s not classy. And we are NOTHING but classy. Also, maybe it’s just me, but the idea of hooking up with someone immediately after one of my friends did, to me, is not that appealing, maybe I’m not cut out for the rap game after all…

[The Sporting News]


Bronson Arroyo Wants You to Taste His Meat

My good friend Jon Eick of thinks these might be the greatest commercials ever. I won’t go that far, but they are certainly ridiculous.

For those of you unfamiliar with Bronson Arroyo as a musician, take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with his canon, you won’t regret it. Unless of course, you’re someone who as a rule only enjoys good music. Then you might not like it. Then again, you could also be a narc. Are you a narc? You have to tell me, you know that right?


So these local ads have been airing in the Cincinnati area and feature Bronson wailing on his 6 string about the joys of beef.

Look at how hard he is rocking out there! He’s got the head bob, the jiggling guitar and the flowing locks, it’s truly a wonder to behold. It’s like if Creed and Nickelback formed together to create one giant awesome band of suckitude.

I will admit, it is kinda catchy though…

I especially love the guy sitting on the bench, the fake teardrop, and then, the sheer joy and happiness he feels knowing that he is together again with JTM. Look at that smile on his face.

jtm1I don’t know that I have felt, or ever will feel such absolute joy as he has in that moment. I’m jealous. He’s sitting there, saddened by the absence of the Reds but then, BOOM, Bronson reminds him that there is goodness in the world. If that’s not a message of hope than I don’t know what is.

Bronson has a simple dream, to share his meat with all the world. Why won’t we let him? Bronson’s meat is the best. It is delicious, tender, the perfect size and fits wonderfully between buns. Bronson’s meat is sure to satisfy.

The ladies agree, Bronson’s meat is the best!

Really, someone should contact Barack Obama’s campaign, I think we found the message they’ve been looking for in these last weeks of primary season. This truly is the message of hope. YES WE CAN! TOGETHER AGAIN!

And of course a h/t to!

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