Archive for March 20th, 2008


Good News April!

John Patterson has been released by the Nationals!

Now the Nationals have a stellar starting rotation with Shawn Hill (97 IP) , Jason Bergmann (115 IP), Tim Redding (84 IP), Odalis Perez (137 IP, 5.37 ERA) and either Matt Chico (167, 4.63 ERA) or John Lannan (34 IP). Wow. Last year the Nationals surprised everyone by not being the absolute worst team in baseball. Looks like this year that might not be the case.


Things I Would Rather Watch Than NCAA Basketball

Today begins my least favorite sporting event of the year. I may not be the popular voice here, but there is nothing more uninteresting than college sports and especially the tournament. March Madness? More like March Badness! YES! EAT IT! Damn I’m full of wit today.

“But there are so many close games!” “The level of competition is so high!” “Buzzer-beater shots!” “Underdogs!”

Great. Do not care. You know why there are so many close games? Because most of the teams aren’t very good. If I wanted to watch boring basketball I’d be a WNBA fan. As for the underdogs, yeah, everyone loves a fun story but no one is ever a realistic chance to win. Even George Mason the other year was destined to get destroyed in the Final Four. Ultimately the top schools are going to win, and there will be no real surprises. Booooring.

I want nothing more than to NOT hear about your bracket, to not hear why Belmont has a chance to beat Duke (they don’t); I don’t want to see Digger Phelps, I REALLY don’t want to see Dick Vitale. This whole stupid event takes over the airwaves and it couldn’t be more uninteresting. I hate all college sports and don’t find them fun or good to watch at all. The overall level of competition is poor, the few stars of the college game aren’t usually even that good. For every Carmelo there are 16 Bobby Hurleys and Bryce Drews. College sports are quite simply the worst.

Here is a list of things I’d rather do than watch or deal with college sports and particularly the March Tournament:

  • A naked weekend romp with Joy Behar
  • Sponge-bathe John Clayton
  • More coverage of Brett Farve’s retirement and daily actions since retirement
  • Let Dmitri “The Meathook” Young run me over at home plate non-stop for 3 days
  • Have Charles Barkley take a crap on my chest
  • Watch Arena football
  • Coach a children’s soccer team filled with autistic kids
  • Watch the Joy Luck Club non-stop for a month
  • Get punched in the junk by everyone who has ever played a game for the Miami Dolphins

Cubs Players Wreck Coach’s Life

You may have seen news of a prank several Cubs pitchers pulled on their strength coach where they destroyed his 1995 Nissan Sentra and then later gave him a brand new SUV. After seeing the brand new car that they had purchased for him, Tim Buss, the coach in question said, “They’re great guys.” That may be, but, after seeing how happy they made him can only lead to the Cubs pitchers who pulled this prank to take it further and further. Bolstered by hs reaction, they have already planned several new pranks. Thanks to the federal government illegal wire-tapping, the Slanch Report has hacked into their emails and found out what is planned for later in the season.

  • 5/08 – Kerry Wood and Jon Lieber in mid May will enter Buss’ home, throw a grenade in his kitchen and run away. Later they will purchase him a new Maytag Dishwasher.

Continue reading ‘Cubs Players Wreck Coach’s Life’

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March 2008