Archive for the 'Guest Columns' Category

28
Oct
09

A Guest Opinion on L’Affaire Steve Phillips

brooke2Loyal reader and sometime commenter RowdyRoddyPaulper is a man who enjoys an adult beverage every now and again. Regardless, he is hilarious at all times, when he sent me a drunken email about Steve Phillips late last night I just KNEW I had to post it. So, below is the full text of the email, enjoy it as much as I have.

I recently (like yesterday) read up on the whole Steve Phillips/ugly PA story. Let me address a few issues I have that you may or may not have addressed:

1) One article (possibly CNN.com (I’m a drunk-and currently drunk-so I forget things)) said that the Steve Phillips’ “issue” was a symptom of ESPN being a post-grad frathouse. Fine. When I think of ESPN, I think frathouse. But the Steve Phillips situation proves the opposite point. Frathouses like hot girls. Also, hot girls semi-unfortunately like frathouses. Brooke Hundley is a 4 (with makeup…a shitload of makeup). If ESPN were a true working-place frathouse, Brooke Hundley would have never gotten a job there unless her dad is some sort of high-ranking Disney exec. Even still though…

Brooke Hundley was probably hired by a woman who didn’t want her job threatened… which leads me to my next point…

2) WOMEN ARE HIRING PA’s AT ESPN. This is absurd. I’ve worked in TV for a while and have learned that lucky guys and hot women get jobs (entry-level on up). I’ve been unemployed for over a month now and am more than certain my average looks are to blame. I’m not mad at this. Hell, given hiring power, I’d hire the entire Brazzers roster over all those overqualified, eggheaded, coke-snorting (not the fun kind), Ivy League fruitcakes. We can safely say that although ESPN may have long ago been a glorious frathouse, they’ve been eaten alive by Title IX loving, Teva sandal wearing, women. These ladies have pulled one of the most successful coups of all time in my opinion.

3) My third point is in no way affiliated with my first two points. Hypothetical situation: you’re Steve Phillips, you’re married, and your wife isn’t satisfying your many complex man-needs. Where do you go? Instinct says you go to the hottest piece of ass that will let you bone her. Instinct is, in this case, wrong. Hot girls have entitlement issues, low self-esteem, and bodies that you would kill your best friend over. And they WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS. They’ll either tell your wife at a highly inappropriate time and/or wear an adult diaper and drive across many, many states with the intent to harm you. Fortunately for you, Steve Phillips, ugly ladies are generally much less problematic. They’re just happy for attention. They have vaginas and those vaginas are fun. Hot girls have vaginas but they come at a higher price.

Steve Phillips fucked a fat girl because she gave him the things his wife would not. And he thought these things were free. And they usually are when a fat girl is involved. But the fat girl went BAT SHIT CRAZY! This is highly unusual. One can only assume her dad actually is a high ranking Disney exec (hence the entitlement) and my whole argument is ruined. If I were actually employed, this email would’ve been a huge waste of time.

19
Jun
08

Ten Reasons the Mets will Finish 10 Games Under .500

Today we bring you a guest column from generally angry commenter Shatraw, who offers his insights into what is ailing his beloved Mets (until he jumps onto the Rays bandwagon.)

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The inevitable came to pass in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, June 17th, when Omar Minaya snuck into Willie Randolph’s hotel room and left the severed heads of Rick Peterson and Tom Nieto in his bed, scrawling the word’s “YOU’RE FIRED” in blood on the wall over his bed. There is no debate about whether the firing was warranted and going into the theatrics surrounding the situation is just beating a dead horse. The real question now is: “can the Met’s get their act together and finish off 2008 in the hunt for a playoff spot?”

Hah hah hah.

Here are the 10 reasons the Mets will finish 10 games under .500. If each one of these factors only adds one loss to their chances of finishing .500, the Mets should consider themselves lucky.

PROBLEM: Oliver Perez will walk 100+ batters

Free Parking Perez has walked 48 men in only 72.1 IP. Remember last year when he went 15-10 with a 3.56 ERA and 174K, walking “only” a total of 79?

The honeymoon is over. His ERA is flirting with 5. He gives his team almost no chance to win 1 out of 3 times he’s on the mound.

CAN IT BE FIXED? Well, since he walked 8 in 5IP on May 23rd in Colorado, he’s only walked 4, 2, 2 and 3. So no, probably not.

PROBLEM: Jose Reyes turned into a sniveling prick

Everyone knows that watching Reyes play at the height of his game is possibly the most exciting sight in baseball. But that’s if he feels like it.

Reyes seems more petulant by the hour, climaxing last night in Jerry Manuel’s first game as manager. Reyes pulling up lame at first, whined into the bench. When Manuel emerged from the dugout and told him to take the night off, Reyes chucked his helmet and sulked off the field.

It’s just the latest in Jose’s trend toward little-bitchery. Reyes can regularly be seen booting routine groundballs, not laying out for tougher plays and scuffling to first on grounders.

CAN IT BE FIXED? I don’t know what his deal is, but they have to make Reyes care again. Send him to a Tony Robbins brainwashing if it’s necessary.

PROBLEM: The Wilpons are reverting back into the Wilpons

After a couple of relatively sane seasons from ownership, the Wilpons are up to their nasty old tricks again. Now that their team is sputtering, it’s back to a steady flow of media leaks, petty in-fighting and backstabbing in an organization famous for such hijinks. That’s always good for team morale.

I’m starting to suspect that Mets ownership is intentionally tanking this season. Omar Minaya has that look in his eye, like his time is about to come. And it probably will after this season.

CAN IT BE FIXED? Not really. Unless the Wilpons charter a fateful helicopter tour with the always hilarious Dolans, curing NY sports of insanity at its uppermost levels. Oh wait, forgot about Hank Steinbrenner. Damn.

PROBLEM: Both Carlos’s (Carlii?) suck and neither one of them cares Continue reading ‘Ten Reasons the Mets will Finish 10 Games Under .500’

31
Mar
08

Washington Pops Their Cherry Blossom

Today we present you with another guest blogging effort, this time from my good friend Jon Eick who runs the always enjoyable food-obsessed Sogoodblog.com, if you haven’t read it yet, do so immediately. Eick is one of the only people I know who willingly watches and roots for the Nationals. He also once voted for Bush and used to be a Yankees fan, so, there is that too. Anyhoo, he had tickets to both of the games this weekend at their brand new shiny stadium and offered to do a review of the stadium for the readers of The Slanch Report. Buckle up!

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I went to both the first game EVER at Nationals Park, an exhibition game on Saturday against the Orioles, as well as the first OFFICIAL game, last night on ESPN, against the Atlanta Braves.

opening-flags

On Saturday we were only in our seats for about 3 of the 9 innings, because we were exploring everything. I didn’t get to walk around the whole stadium outside and see the trees and plaza and stuff in “front” (i.e. outside the stadium behind the home plate side). Instead, we entered through the CF gate. It’s right by the metro, and when you come out of the metro there is a really cool narrow street called ½ street, which has, or may have soon, a sort of Yawkey Way type feel to it. If they develop it as they hope to, it could be a really fun happening street (happening? You really are a 40 year old trapped in a 20something body). Right now there is no development on it yet, and there weren’t even food vendors there.

When you enter in centerfield there is a big open plaza which is cool, and you still have a great view of the game just from standing there. The cherry blossom trees in left field aren’t in bloom yet, but when they are in a week or two it will definitely be beautiful. (You’re just so damn poetic…)

The food at this ballpark is insanely good. So much good stuff everywhere, and it all appears to be of really high quality. The line for Ben’s chili bowl was about 100 people long for the whole game. However, I discovered that the “Ben’s half smoke” was available at all the food stands. The Ben’s half smoke is going to be THE signature food for Nationals Park. Fenway has Fenway Franks, Dodgers have Dodger Dogs, we have Ben’s Half Smokes. If you don’t know what a half-smoke is, that’s because it is a unique to DC thing. It’s like a 50/50 cross between a spicy sausage and a hot dog. Delicious. And you’ve got to get the Ben’s half-smoke “all-the-way” with chili, onions and mustard. One semi complaint. The food stands don’t each have their own signs, everyplace just has their name in these sort of lit up glowing neon letters, If each food place had their own unique signs, it would make the inside tunnel areas where you get food feel a little bit less strip-mallish.

DC’s own, “Half-Smoke”

There is an abundance of food vendors, underneath/in back of the stands there are just rows and rows of food vendors. Beer, there appeared to be decent selection, including Stella on tap, and what appeared to be 20 or 22 oz cups at certain locations. The restaurant in Centerfield, called “Red Porch” is quite large, as is the “Red Loft” bar above it.

Continue reading ‘Washington Pops Their Cherry Blossom’

28
Mar
08

The Roommate Speaks!

Our first guest blog entry comes today via epic commenter and fine human being “The Roomate”! Being a spelling prick, I made the headline to properly read roommate. Enjoy!

Well folks, another high school teacher was caught having sex with a student. This time is it was 25-year-old Heather Kennedy who teachers math at Wantagh HS in Long Island, NY, as reported by the New York Post.

Ms. Kennedy did it high-school style: in her car in the parking lot of another area HS, Massapequa High. After ‘parking’, the 16-year-old she was cruising with asked her if she wanted to have sex, and she agreed. I like how the 16-year-old covered his ass from a potential date-rape charge by asking his teacher if she wanted to statutorily rape him. Oh, laws!

Continue reading ‘The Roommate Speaks!’




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