Archive for the 'Conspiracies' Category

04
Jul
09

Independence Day Has Many Secrets

Every year on the 4th of July the Slanch Report takes a look back at our very first blog entry, one that changed the entire landscape of the world as we unraveled the many many hidden messages within Roland Emmerich’s masterpiece, Independence Day. Join us once more and let’s hope we can learn.

________

Despite being panned by critics, audiences flocked to see Roland Emmerich’s newest opus, 10,000 BC, and I think I know why.

In 1996, Emmerich directed one of the finest action movies of all-time, Independence Day. More than just a movie, this film was a prognosticator of the future.

If only we had been listening.

Three different, very clear messages were placed in this movie. The first, seen here, is taken from the moment when Jeff Goldblum’s character explains to the President the idea of “line-of-sight” and how satellites work.

Notice the drawing that Goldblum does, look familiar? Maybe that’s because it looks awfully congruent to THIS!

Eerily similar no?
Now a random image in a movie is one thing, merely coincidence, but only moments later, after convincing the President that the time to leave is now, Goldblum and Pullman exit with others onboard Marine One. As they take off, Goldblum pulls out his handy mid-90’s Mac Powerbook and looks at the countdown timer…

Now its starting to get a little bit more real, you’re starting to feel that tingle up your spine…

Let’s not forget what these “aliens” do in this movie. With a carefully orchestrated attack, the aliens destroy the Capitol Records building, the Empire State Building and the White House instantly and simultaneously.

It is only when all of the world joins together, putting aside its squabbles, putting aside religious and cultural differences to fight a common enemy that there is success. Goldblum and Will Smith ride deep into space and into the alien mothership armed with a nuclear bomb. They set it off and it causes the protective shields to come down off the ships floating around Earth. Earth responds with attacks, Randy Quaid saves the day, flies his F-15 into the most vulnerable part of the alien ship and destroys it almost instantly. But it doesn’t just blow up, Roland Emmerich, that mad German throws one last message out there for those who know how to hear (see) it.

Who saves the world from aliens?

Of course! How could America (and the rest of the dirty world) defeat aliens? Because of Jesus (or Burning Man…)! It only makes sense, just ask the Mormons.

So what conclusions can we take from these messages?

  1. The Masons are involved in nefarious things, don’t believe me? Look here and here.
  2. Roland Emmerich was able to predict exactly the date that a building would be destroyed by people alien to America.
  3. If the President had listened in time, disaster could have been, if not completely avoided at least mitigated.
  4. Jeff Goldblum always knows the right answers.
  5. America can only be saved from aliens by Jesus
  6. The answer to the immigration issue is Jesus

So, these images, none of which have been doctored or photoshopped in any manner prove conclusively that Independence Day warned us, in advance that the Masons were going to be involved in something that would destroy a building. Not only that, but the movie tells us the exact date. The movie showed us the dangers in having a president not listen to those who know. But did President Bush listen? When Jeff Goldblum arrives out of nowhere to warn his President, that president listens, and many–well…some–lives are saved. Ultimately though, the whole world is saved, because one man was able to convince the most powerful, and because the powerful were willing to listen. We didn’t understand the message that Emmerich was presenting us in 1996. But it is not too late now!

The Day After Tomorrow showed us the effects that global warming will have upon us, and particularly New York City, are we heeding the message?

Independence Day warns us about the Masons, warns us about 9/11 and warns us continually about the dangers of aliens to America. These aliens expose their plan to Bill Pullman who realizes that “they’re like locusts. They travel from planet to planet, their whole civilization. After they’ve consumed every natural resource they move on. And we’re next.” Sounds awfully familiar to the refrains of alien workers draining resources from the government and stealing those awesome avocado picking jobs that everyone wants so badly.

In this election season there is no doubt that not only should you see 10,000 BC, but if you care about America and the world, that you need to see this film. Take your kids, your friends, your parents, anyone whom you want to live.

This might be the most important film in the history of the world.

You’ve heard of Cinéma Verité…If only our leaders will listen to the modern day Nostradamus, Roland Emmerich.

15
May
09

Not the Danger I’d Expect from the Pfister

Copy of ghostsThe Florida Marlins finished out their series against the Milwaukee Brewers yesterday, and at least a couple players couldn’t be happier to get out of the Brew City. At least two pairs of Marlins players were sharing rooms at their hotel because of their fear of ghosts. It seems that the Marlins are staying at the Pfister Hotel in downtown Milwaukee, the high class hotel is also famous for ghost sightings and other paranormal activity. Reportedly, the most popular sighting is of the hotel’s founder, Charles Pfister overlooking the lobby from the grand staircase.

The Marlins’ Josh Johnson and Dan Meyer had separate but adjoining rooms. “Every time there was a noise, JJ would yell, ‘It’s the ghosts,'” Meyer said.

“I heard a couple of noises,” Chris Volstad said with a laugh, “but I just closed my eyes.”

The Marlins aren’t the only ones to experience something scary while staying at the lovely Pfister. When he was with the Dodgers, Adrian Beltre reportedly was so scared he would sleep with a baseball bat in his bed just in case a specter came after him (the Dodgers no longer stay at the Pfister.) Last June the Twins’ Carlos Gomez got scared when his iPod, sitting on a table kept vibrating, despite Gomez turning it off several times. Sounds SPOOKY!

The players should be thankful that the ghosts of the Pfister don’t do something much much worse.

[Palm Beach Post]

08
Mar
09

That Makes All the Difference

Battling through the very difficult circuit of Ivy League basketball, Cornell University took home the divisional title and in the process earned an automatic bid for the NCAA tournament. Overly exuberant fans rushed the court following Big Red’s win over Penn and in the process trampled the scorers table and computer. So it’s true, Cornell really does know how to party, right Andy?

Following the game on Saturday though, a Cornell spokesman announced that the final score, as listed, was incorrect. Instead of Cornell winning the title with a 83-58 victory, in reality they won 83-59! Watching video of the end of the game, a 3-pointer was changed to a 2 and a buzzer beating basket was counted as well, leading to the change.

Thank GOD they cleared that up right?!! I was worried that they weren’t going to fix this mistake, now that they have, I can finally sleep again. I lay in bed all night last night distraught at the lengths Cornell went to in order to humiliate the fine Quakers of UPenn. Our long national nightmare is over.

[ESPN]

09
Jan
09

Corky, You Still Suck

After all the, justifiable, hooplah surrounding his non-vote of Rickey Henderson, embattled elderly sportswriter Corky Simpson who we discussed the other day now says that he made a mistake. According to Simpson, he “goofed” and forgot to include Henderson on his ballot. “Rickey deserves to be in the Hall of Fame, and if I had my ballot back, he’d have a shot at unanimity — and I wouldn’t be hated by quite so many people,” Simpson said

However, I think he’s full of shit. That’s because fellow “Green Valley News sportswriter Nick Prevenas said he warned Simpson about leaving Henderson off his ballot when he filed the column, but Simpson told him he ‘wasn’t a Rickey guy and that he would vote for him next time.'”

So clearly Simpson doesn’t regret his pick, he regrets that he has been publicly embarrassed for selfishly marring Rickey Henderson’s legacy. That Simpson could pick Tim Raines and NOT Rickey Henderson shows that Simpson has some semblance of understanding regarding modern statistical evaluation which shows clearly the value that Rock Raines had on the ball field, but clearly something else was in play.

It is simply indefensible to not include Rickey Henderson on your ballot unless you are trying to be the person who doesn’t include him solely because no one has been elected unanimously. You know what, there is also no openly gay person in the HoF, does that mean no gay man can EVER be in? Just because the old baseball writers were morons and didn’t elect players when they should doesn’t mean we should continue that tradition.

You know, in the 40s there were players that local reporters might NEVER EVER see. The only interaction baseball voters may have had with those players were radio broadcasts and box scores. Today, we have access to EVERYTHING a player does on the field, we can see every time he makes contact on a ball, and not only that, but where he hit it, what type of pitch it was and what he does when the count is 2-0 and there are two men on in the month of June when the sun is shining.

Now there is simply no excuse for not knowing the players, particularly for something seemingly as important as the HoF. If the hall weren’t so important why would the BBWAA make its members take 10 YEARS before they are allowed to vote?

So, back to Simpson and his “apology” which to me is a big crock of shit. If Simpson valued his vote and the HoF he wouldn’t have put Matt Williams on the ballot, no matter how nice a guy he is, hey Corky, I’m a nice guy, put me on next year! Nor would he make an asinine anti-Mark McGwire comment invoking steroids while ignoring that Williams put up extremely suspicious numbers, was mentioned in the Mitchell Report and was found to have received syringes and HGH (at the LEAST) from the same dentist who was busted for providing other athletes with illegal substances.

That’s hypocrisy.

If Simpson really believed that Rickey belongs in the Hall of Fame, why wait on your vote? Sure, Rickey will get in without Simpson, but so what, that’s not a reason to not vote. I’m from Massachusetts, if I don’t vote for Ted Kennedy he’ll still get elected, but does that mean I should vote for someone else just to be nice? Or that I shouldn’t at all? That’s fucking childish.

No, the only thing Simpson is upset about is that his semi-retirement has been upended by a barrage of anti-Corky Simpson sentiment. The only person to blame though, is Simpson himself. I will agree that the vehemence of some of the commenters on his story is unnecessary, but that’s the internet, where assholes reign. However, Simpson knew that Rickey Henderson was going to be elected to the HoF, there is no doubt. There is also no doubt that in leaving Rickey off the ballot it was a conscious and purposeful act. There is simply no way you could look at the list of eligible players and not consider Henderson a Hall of Famer. Unless Simpson wants to admit that his mental faculties are no longer there and he is unable to come up with cogent thoughts, but I’m going to assume that is not the case since he still seems to form sentences together. If he has lost his wits, then his vote DEFINITELY should be taken away.

I’m willing to give the benefit of the doubt that Simpson still has working synapses and so chose to leave Henderson off the list purposefully and maliciously. Also, how can you NOT be a “Rickey guy,” what more could you want from a player? He won MVPs, he set a nearly unbreakable record with steals, he set a nearly unbreakable record in runs, his walks record was phenomenal and only could be, and was, bested by one player, Barry Bonds. The only weak part of Rickey’s game was his fielding, but it wasn’t as though he was TERRIBLE, just in comparison to his prodigious lead-off ability it is lesser.

No matter what he says, Corky Simpson clearly put himself above the game, above the HoF. By purposely leaving Henderson off the ballot he willfully took away the opportunity to get someone elected unanimously, and maybe, hopefully, ending the era of hanging onto useless old traditions.

Unfortunately, Corky Simpson seems like just another useless old tradition too.

03
Jul
08

ID4: Are You Brave Enough to Listen?

It being the July 4th weekend, I thought it only apropos to repost what was the our first blog entry. I just hope that, as we celebrate Independence Day, we can remember the lessons that Independence Day was trying to teach us. We will not go quietly into the night.

________

Despite being panned by critics, audiences flocked to see Roland Emmerich’s newest opus, 10,000 BC, and I think I know why.

In 1996, Emmerich directed one of the finest action movies of all-time, Independence Day. More than just a movie, this film was a prognosticator of the future.

If only we had been listening.

Three different, very clear messages were placed in this movie. The first, seen here, is taken from the moment when Jeff Goldblum’s character explains to the President the idea of “line-of-sight” and how satellites work.

Notice the drawing that Goldblum does, look familiar? Maybe that’s because it looks awfully congruent to THIS!

Eerily similar no?
Now a random image in a movie is one thing, merely coincidence, but only moments later, after convincing the President that the time to leave is now, Goldblum and Pullman exit with others onboard Marine One. As they take off, Goldblum pulls out his handy mid-90’s Mac Powerbook and looks at the countdown timer…

Now its starting to get a little bit more real, you’re starting to feel that tingle up your spine… Continue reading ‘ID4: Are You Brave Enough to Listen?’

02
Apr
08

Hey Joe Blanton, What’s That on the Brim of Your Hat?

3347049611_7cf5c2ca2a

I am no expert, but watching the Red Sox-A’s game tonight, I noticed something extremely odd about Joe Blanton’s hat. He kept going to it, often multiple times during an at-bat, and then, at one point, the camera zoomed in on his face and I noticed something very peculiar about the brim of his hat. I have not doctored or edited these photos in any way. Is it me, or is there a distinctly brown section on his hat. Not only that, but isn’t that the section that he keeps going to? Again, I’m not saying that this is definitely pine tar, but that’s what it looks like to me. If anyone has any information, or outlandish theories, please send them in. To me, it looks like there is definitely something not allowed on his hat. It is too localized to be merely a sweat stain from his head. I suppose it is possible that the mark is sweat from his fingers, but I don’t think it is. Check it out and make your own decisions…3347051045_b04eca47f73347050075_7c86287d6c3347886034_f33054196d

Note: these pictures are not immediately following one another but are taken at several points in the game, particularly the 5th inning following Jacoby Ellsbury’s RBI single.

28
Mar
08

Washington Solves All Problems That Matter!

bushasapitcher

Good news! President Bush who hates steroids so much–except when he owned the Texas Rangers and they employed Ivan Rodriguez, Juan Gonzalez and Jose Canseco–won’t have to deal with a totally awkward moment at Opening Day for the Nationals’ new stadium. Scheduled to throw out the first pitch, the nominal receiver of said pitch would be the catcher no? Well, who is supposed to be the starting catcher for the Washington Nationals? Could it be Paul Lo Duca? The same Paul Lo Duca who was mentioned so prominently in the Mitchell Report? The Paul Lo Duca who sent this lovely handwritten note to Kirk Radomski? I think it just might be.

27
Mar
08

“Barry Who? Never Heard of Him…”

The San Francisco Giants have purified their stadium and removed all images and remnants of Barry Bonds from the premises. Certainly now no one will ever associate the two together again.

As Barry slowly approaches trial for perjury it seems that the team wants no negative connotations to overwhelm what should be the worst or second worst team in all of baseball. It is not like, without Barry Bonds, that incredible stadium of theirs wouldn’t exist right? Or that the only reason that the team got any coverage in the last few years was because of Barry.

Continue reading ‘“Barry Who? Never Heard of Him…”’

27
Mar
08

A-Rod Simply “Not Bright Enough”

In today’s NY Post there is an interview with former bullpen catcher Mike Borzello of the Yankees about Jose Canseco’s most recent steroid allegations against Alex Rodriguez. According to Borzello, who says that “nobody in the last four years, including his wife because she wasn’t on the road, spent more time with Alex than I did,” and that there is simply no way that A-Rod did any illegal performance enhancing drugs.

During the period that Canseco details Borzello didn’t know A-Rod but he claims that Rodriguez might have an occasional beer, but otherwise is “afraid of drugs and alcohol.” Therefore, to Borzello’s mind, there is simply no way that Canseco can be telling the truth.

“In four years I was with him 24 hours a day, and not one time did I ever hear, see or get wind of anything having to do with performance enhancing drugs, steroids, HGH, anything. No way, with as much as this guy trusted me, would he have kept that part of his life secret from me. He trusted me with everything, and I was with him every day all day long. It would have been impossible to show me everything behind the curtain except for this. He is not that bright to be able to pull that off.” [emphasis added]

Continue reading ‘A-Rod Simply “Not Bright Enough”’

27
Mar
08

We’re All Gonna Die!

Scientists have announced that a giant 1500 year old block of ice broke off from the Wilikens ice shelf in Antarctica. The block of ice–9 times the size of Manhattan–itself is no great danger to humans, but is a disturbing sign of things to come and portends to rises in the ocean levels that would cause massive disaster zones.

I’m trying to do my part and am going to start sharing rides in my whip from now on.

Carpool lane!
19
Mar
08

Red Sox Stand Strong

It’s not often that multimillionaires think of others, (hello, Mr. Google, my bank account would like to meet you…) but I for one am glad at the action of the Red Sox right now.

Unhapy that MLB was going against their promise of paying the coaches the same appearance fee as was promised the players, the Red Sox are refusing to play their spring training game against the Blue Jays right now.

For many of the coaches the $40,000 appearance fee they were originally promised represents two-thirds of their salary.

While the game is being delayed because of this dispute, the Sox players are all out on the field signing autographs for the fans who are awaiting the game, just one more example of how well they are handling this whole situation.

(more after the jump)

Continue reading ‘Red Sox Stand Strong’

11
Mar
08

Why Maybe We All NEED to See 10,000 BC

Despite being panned by critics, audiences flocked to see Roland Emmerich’s newest opus, 10,000 BC, and I think I know why.

In 1996, Emmerich directed one of the finest action movies of all-time, Independence Day. More than just a movie, this film was a prognosticator of the future.

If only we had been listening.

Three different, very clear messages were placed in this movie. The first, seen here, is taken from the moment when Jeff Goldblum’s character explains to the President the idea of “line-of-sight” and how satellites work.

lineofsight

Notice the drawing that Goldblum does, look familiar? Maybe that’s because it looks awfully congruent to THIS!

masonsymbol

Eerily similar no?
Now a random image in a movie is one thing, merely coincidence, but only moments later, after convincing the President that the time to leave is now, Goldblum and Pullman exit with others onboard Marine One. As they take off, Goldblum pulls out his handy mid-90’s Mac Powerbook and looks at the countdown timer…

911

DUN DUN DUUNNNNNNN! Now its starting to get a little bit spooky, you’re starting to feel that tingle up your spine… Continue reading ‘Why Maybe We All NEED to See 10,000 BC’




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