Archive for the 'Golf' Category


There’s Nothing You Can’t Bet On

As the Tiger Woods story continues to dominate news coverage and becomes the most important story in the history of news, today’s news that Elin intends to divorce Tiger has already sparked bookies to start setting odds.

Right now, British bookmaker William Hill already have odds up on the settlement that Ms. Nordegren might receive. Currently, bettors get 25:1 odds that she’ll receive MORE than half a billion dollars. Among the other options are 6:4 odds for her getting under $100 million and 1:2 that she gets between $100-500 million.

Really, what level of degenerate gambler are you if you find yourself wanting to get in on this kind of action?



Banging Stephen Dorff is More Memorable Than Tiger

Somehow this slipped past all the blogs out there — which is especially amazing considering the amount of pornography that sports bloggers look at — but last May, while taping something for the Naughty America website, porn star Holly Sampson admitted that she had sex with Tiger Woods. It went unnoticed though, until all the current hoopla exploded on everyone’s face.

Of course, Tiger only gets third billing, after Kevin “huge cock” Costner and Stephen Dorff; that’s gotta sting.

Video is SFW but has some NSFW language.


Former Hooker is the Smartest One in this Tiger Woods Ordeal

The New York Post, bastion of all things sleazy and tawdry have finally gotten the most important voice to weigh in on the whole Tiger Woods saga; one-time call-girl Ashley Dupre.

The former paid paramour of Eliot Spitzer is spitting (swallowing costs extra) mad about all the women coming out of the woodwork to admit that, yes, they too took a drive off Tiger’s iron.

“Here you have all these girls accepting gifts, money, trips from Tiger in exchange for sex — all the while knowing he is married.

“And now they all can’t wait to tell their stories in exchange for even more money from the tabloids?

“And I was the hooker? At least I kept my mouth shut.”

It’s not often that I say a former hooker is the one of the smartest people commenting on a news story — other than when Wolf Blitzer makes an apt point — but Dupre is right. Now can we please move on?

[NY Post]


Tiger’s Indiscretions Affect Us All

Lost among the clamor of the Tiger Woods story is the impact that this is having on the people around him. Won’t anyone think of Tiger’s poor neighbors!?! For instance, Ryan Longwell, the place kicker for the Minnesota Vikings lives in the same gated community as Tiger, they’re neighbors actually and since this story broke the coverage has been invasive even on Longwell’s wife and kids.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Won’t anyone think of the children?

[Shutdown Corner]


The Media Can’t Get Enough of Tiger, Even When There’s Nothing

I have zero interest in getting into the whole Tiger Woods story, frankly, who gives a shit whether or not he cheats on his wife; besides her, obviously. It does nothing to my life and doesn’t particularly change my opinion of him which is based around the fact that he is a really amazing golfer. Everything else is irrelevant.

Having said that, here is a hilarious clip from Tuesday’s Daily Show where they just straight up eviscerate the cable news channels’ overbearing coverage of a story for which they had practically no factual information but spent dozens of hours wasting oxygen with scurrilous rumors, speculation and innuendo.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I simply don’t get why everyone is so obsessed with this story, the constant rubbernecking in these situations just simply disgusts me. Great, he cheated on his wife, I don’t get it, I’m not a cheater, but I know plenty of dudes who are, it’s not that unusual, but his cheating affects 3 people, his wife and his 2 kids, that’s it. Everyone else is irrelevant. The constant breathless updates from the “news” media are skeevy and perverse.

Besides, none of this is news to me, back when I worked at Men’s Fitness magazine in 2007 I was privy to information that the National Enquirer (which is owned by the same parent company and shares offices) had caught Tiger in flagrante delicto. In exchange for burying the story he agreed to do a cover story for the magazine; something it could never have gotten otherwise with its low profile and shitty sales.  I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. What other men do with their penii is irrelevant to me; It’s only mine I’m concerned with.

[The Daily Show]


Court Rules Happy Gilmore Illegal

Canada is simply way too peaceful, they need more crime apparently because the Supreme Court of Nova Scotia has time to rule on asinine golf swing legal cases.

Justice Arthur J. LeBlanc ruled that the “Happy Gilmore” golf swing was ILLEGAL, not for golf, but for CANADA, stating that it “breached the standard of care owed to other players on the course.”

All this started when, in a pre-wedding round of golf, 4 friends hit the links with 28 beers, a bottle of tequila and “some marijuana.” The 28 beers didn’t last long, and so after 9 holes they bought some more. Presumably due to the drinking, one of the men, Travis Hayter was acting loosely and without regard for his surroundings, practicing power slides with the golf cart and almost driving the cart into a pond.

On the 16th hole, Hayer hit a terrible, slicing tee shot into the woods. Not content, he opted to tee it up once more. The second shot was a modest fairway shot. Ever the perfectionist, Hayter hit one more, Happy Gilmore-style. However, his friends had already started up the fairway to their balls; Hayter’s shot struck one of his companions, Alan Bezanonson, in the wrist. In a measure of true friendship, Bezanonson subsequently SUED Hayter for loss of income and damages. Take about Hayterade!

“I am convinced that the ‘Happy Gilmore’ shot,” wrote Judge LeBlanc in his decision after awarding Bezanson $227,500, “would have been less controllable than a normal tee shot, both because it involved a run-up to the ball (rather than an aimed shot from a stationary position) and because the defendant had been drinking throughout the day.”

The bizarre part though is that the nature of the swing itself is irrelevant, would the awarding be DIFFERENT had Hayter taken a “normal” swing? Apparently, golfing drunk isn’t an issue, even if your normal swing ALSO sucks, but as soon as you get “creative” in your shots you’re heading into murky legal territory.

[CS Monitor]


She Has Grass on Her Fields

Complete with a matching detachable skirt that says “Be Quiet” the Japanese have invented an all-new way to enjoy golf, the detachable putting green bra. Obviously stylish while being worn, the putting green bra lives up to its name, unfolding into a nearly 5 foot long putting green with the holes being played by the bra cups. What kind of portable wearable putting green doesn’t come with ball storage, a crappy one, and this product is all class. Even better, when you sink a putt the bra talks to you, saying “Nice Shot!”golf-bra

Sure, in order to practice putting you need to go topless for a bit, but I think we can all agree golf was getting far too staid and needs some livening up. This should do it. Thank god for the Japanese, think of all the advancements we’d be without if it weren’t for their wacky brains.


[Sports Rubbish]


340 Yards to the Pin? Gimme the M-16 and Stand Back

Recovered RiflesPGA Tour rules maintain that a golfer can carry no more than 14 clubs in his/her bag during a tournament. There isn’t any limit on how many guns you can carry in the bag as well though. This is a lesson that Juan Gibson, a 16-year-old in Palm Beach, Florida and a friend of his learned after Gibson decided to rob his former neighbor’s house and grab the guns he knew to be there. Of course, transporting 13 guns can be a bit onerous, so Gibson and his friend loaded them into two golf club bags as camouflage.

Then, as any normal 16-year-old toting a mini-arsenal of guns would do, they rode the public bus and headed home. Unluckily, a police officer noted the two boys carrying abnormally heavy golf bags and called in backup to investigate. After being stopped by a patrol unit, the boys started fighting the police and then attempted to make a getaway; Gibson was nabbed but his friend managed to get away. The 13 rifles, shotguns and assault rifles were recovered and returned to their owner, who I’m sure needed to have all of them back, because really, a half-dozen assault rifles is just never enough for home defense, you need that full bakers dozen.



Skip It!

It is hard enough to hit a hole-in-one, let alone to get one by skipping the ball across a water hazard and THEN dropping it in the hole. Well, Vijay Singh did just that this year at the Masters tournament. Sure you could be like, hey, it’s October and that was APRIL, get current, to which I’d respond, “yes, but golf is slow and boring and so it takes at least 6 months for interesting things to be noticed by me.”


“Golf Pro” is Actually a Prostitute

Melanie KozikCan you imagine how angry you’d be if you responded to an ad on Craigslist offering “golf lessons” and instead of practicing chipping from the rough you instead were meeting with a hooker! I mean, the nerve! According to the Sarasota, FL Sheriff’s office 36-year-old Melanie Kozik met with undercover detectives in a sting operation after they responded to her ad.

When she (unknowingly) met the police she told them she used to work in lingerie stores that had been closed for prostitution activities — which she participated in. She later told officers she earned about $1,500 a week disguising her prostitution as “golf lessons.”

Prospective clients would call and set up an appointment, using “golf lessons” as a code term when really they would just go to her apartment and get banged by a hooker. America!

I like Melanie’s ingenuity but I am most concerned about the golfers in the Sarasota area, won’t anyone think of these men who just wanted to work on their slice and slapping their balls around and instead received a very different service; victim-less crime my ass.

[My Suncoast via Bad Jocks]


Don’t Call Him a Billionaire

Tiger Woods Giant CheckYesterday at a press conference for the President’s Cup, Tiger Woods was asked how it feels after a report in Forbes Magazine claimed he is the world’s first billionaire athlete.

“Well, one, I haven’t, so I don’t know where that number came from,” he laughingly responded.

Forbes, who say their numbers can’t be 100% accurate arrived at their conclusion after looking at his tournament winnings, endorsements, appearance fees and Tiger’s golf-course design business. Toss in that he just took home a $10 million check for winning the FedEx Cup over the weekend and if he a billionaire yet, he sure as hell will be soon.

It’s good to be Tiger.

[NBC Sports]


SF Tells Jordan to Take the Stog Out of His Mouth

pga_g_jordan1_300In town for the President’s Cup golf tournament at Harding Park, Michael Jordan received a polite chastising from the folks that run the course. A photo of Jordan — who is serving as an honorary assistant to US captain Fred Couples — puffing on a cigar during a practice round caused the controversy.

Owned by the city, Harding Park is a smoke-free facility, even out on the course, and so Recreation and Parks general manager Phil Ginsburg sent an e-mail to the PGA Tour.  “It was a gentle nudge reminding them that smoking is illegaland that we would appreciate their support.”

It seems that Jordan knew he wasn’t allowed to do it, but said, “Fuck it, I’m Michael Jordan,” which, to be fair, he is. He told that he “heard this is a public place, so they limit what you can smoke. I’m not even supposed to be smoking, but this was a practice round and no one said anything.”

In a perfect world, Jordan likes to smoke a minimum of three cigars per round. A violation of the smoking ban can cost as much as a $100 fine, and methinks Jordan probably has that in the bank.

“But don’t expect me to ask him for it,” city attorney’s spokesman Matt Dorsey told the SF Chronicle.


Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

June 2023