The Slanch Report

Good news! President Bush who hates steroids so much–except when he owned the Texas Rangers and they employed Ivan Rodriguez, Juan Gonzalez and Jose Canseco–won’t have to deal with a totally awkward moment at Opening Day for the Nationals’ new stadium. Scheduled to throw out the first pitch, the nominal receiver of said pitch would be the catcher no? Well, who is supposed to be the starting catcher for the Washington Nationals? Could it be Paul Lo Duca? The same Paul Lo Duca who was mentioned so prominently in the Mitchell Report? The Paul Lo Duca who sent this lovely handwritten note to Kirk Radomski? I think it just might be.

So, President Bush’s handlers clearly realized this might be a bad idea, especially since Bush dislikes steroids so much he mentioned them in his State of the Union address a few years ago. Instead of throwing a 67 mph fastball to known philanderer and steroid user Lo Duca, Bush will instead fire one in at Manny Acta, manager and man of principle. Phew! Disaster has been averted!

One other thing while I’m on the topic, here’s something I think about often. In 1992, Fay Vincent was stepping down as baseball commissioner and a certain Texan really desired the job. Just imagine how much better life would be if President Bush had only become Commissioner Bush. Here are a few things that would have been different.

• Bud Selig’s terrifying duck face would never be seen on television
• Bud Selig’s terrifying toupee mess would never be seen on television
• Who is Bud Selig? would be a question people would ask
• Bush would be able to demonstrate actual knowledge and understanding in his job
• Dick Cheney would be shooting his friends in anonymity in Wyoming
• President Gore would have issued us all hybrids and our homes would be solar-powered
• We’d all be using that purifying machine in Waterworld that converts pee to water
• Blah blah, no Iraq, oil would be cheaper, national reputation wouldn’t be destroyed, etc.
• John Wetteland statues would dot the landscape from sea to shining sea

Stupid fucking baseball owners, they could have made life better for approximately 7 billion people. Instead they opted to pay Bud Selig 14 million a year. Sigh.