Archive for October, 2009

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27
Oct
09

Derek Jeter Just Makes This Too Easy

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball, Douches and Television
Tags: , ,

derek jeter SNL in DragWhile on Fox tonight the World Series will be getting underway, New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter will simultaneously be making an appearance on NBC’s The Biggest Loser. It only makes sense that Jeter appear on a show with that title, because I dislike him and it allows me to call him a big loser. Thanks DJ! BOOM! You see what I did there? See I juxtaposed Derek Jeter and being a big loser and then put them together for comparison, and Jeter turns out to be a loser! God I’m smart.

Now, Derek, if you wouldn’t mind appearing on an episode of Stupid Faced D-Bags Who Slanch Would Like to See Never Play Baseball Again on Spike I think I’ll be good.

Also, I would watch the SHIT out of “SFD-BWSWLSNPBA” it would get SUPER HIGH Nielsen ratings from my house, so, TV executives get on it!

[NBC]

27
Oct
09

Are You Ready for Friday Night Lights to Return?

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Television
Tags: ,

Aimee Teegarden 11Wednesday night means the beginning of the 4th season of Friday Night Lights will air on DirecTV. To celebrate one of the absolute best shows on television — that not enough of you are watching — here is part one of my three part series to get you more interested in the show.

FNL isn’t about football, despite the name, it’s about a city in Texas and the people and a community that defines itself by its football team. With excellent acting, particularly from Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler who are one of the best TV couples of all-time, and a strong ensemble cast, the stories are heart-felt, touching, humorous and exciting. And if you do like football, you have never seen more come-from-behind victories like Dillon High has. This show is phenomenal, every single person I have introduced it to has fallen in love with it, you will too. All you need is a desire to see quality television and everything else will fall into place.

Playing Chandler and Britton’s teenage daughter, Julie, Aimee Teegarden is a 20-year-old super-cutie and while she sometimes infuriates you for being a normal teenage girl, she is stellar on the show and one of the best-written characters. Plus she’s gorgeous. Aimee Teegarden 9

If you don’t have DirecTV, the show will be rebroadcast on NBC starting in January. Of course, if you were to theoretically go to this site after midnight on Wednesday you might possibly be able to download the episode via bittorrent. Or so I’m told, I have no knowledge about this or how one might use utorrent and watch the episode.

27
Oct
09

Phillips Enters Sex Addiction Rehab, Sounds Like Fun!

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball, Douches and Television
Tags: , , ,

Steve-phillips-fired-from-espn(1)After being unceremoniously canned by ESPN late Sunday night, now-former BBTN analyst Steve Phillips did the only super cliche thing left to him, enter a rehab facility. Because after all, the American public will forgive and forget ANYTHING so long as you at least make a cursory “attempt” to get help. This isn’t a PR ploy though, after all, Steve

“really needs help, and this was the best way to do it,” said his agent, Steve Lefkowitz, in describing his decision to attend a high-priced facility — in a mystery location — that specializes in sex-addiction treatment.

“It was a bid to keep his life. He’s going in for an illness,” Lefkowitz said. “The problem is, he fell off the wagon.”

I had no idea there were high-priced facilities to treat sex-addiction, I just thought you send someone off to one of the Hedonism resorts and let them sate their appetites for a week. I know sex addiction is a real issue that can be a hardship for many people, but it’s hard to look at as anything but fun. I mean, if you’re a sex addict and you get sent to a place filled with other sex addicts is a bad idea, especially when you’ve had a vasectomy and anything goes. Unless of course you have terrible taste in women. Uh-oh! Steve Phillips is in trouble…

[NY Post]

 

27
Oct
09

340 Yards to the Pin? Gimme the M-16 and Stand Back

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches, Golf and Random
Tags: ,

Recovered RiflesPGA Tour rules maintain that a golfer can carry no more than 14 clubs in his/her bag during a tournament. There isn’t any limit on how many guns you can carry in the bag as well though. This is a lesson that Juan Gibson, a 16-year-old in Palm Beach, Florida and a friend of his learned after Gibson decided to rob his former neighbor’s house and grab the guns he knew to be there. Of course, transporting 13 guns can be a bit onerous, so Gibson and his friend loaded them into two golf club bags as camouflage.

Then, as any normal 16-year-old toting a mini-arsenal of guns would do, they rode the public bus and headed home. Unluckily, a police officer noted the two boys carrying abnormally heavy golf bags and called in backup to investigate. After being stopped by a patrol unit, the boys started fighting the police and then attempted to make a getaway; Gibson was nabbed but his friend managed to get away. The 13 rifles, shotguns and assault rifles were recovered and returned to their owner, who I’m sure needed to have all of them back, because really, a half-dozen assault rifles is just never enough for home defense, you need that full bakers dozen.

[WPTV]

27
Oct
09

Football Field is Going to the Birds

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Random
Tags: , , ,

Piper High School Owl on Football FieldIn Sunrise, Florida, the Piper High School football team have been evicted from their field, and forced to move their final two games thanks to the owls. No, that’s not a local gang of toughs, or a rival high school but ACTUAL owls who, under Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission rules are classified as species of special concern. With their habitats threatened, some burrowing owls have made their homes on the 25 and 35-yard lines making it impossible for the football team to get on the field for practice or games.

Piper athletic director Tom Marante, named two of the owls Stan and Gladys and said he saw them Wednesday morning by their burrow. “They were just there staring at us, like asking ‘What are you looking at?’ ”

The Piper team (3-3) are less than psyched about losing their turf and will be forced to play their final games elsewhere, including their Senior Night game and don’t consider themselves fans of the owls.

“They’re small, but I don’t want to get close to them,” said Piper senior cornerback Nevin Lawson.

[Sun-Sentinel]

27
Oct
09

Hey Ref, Why Don’t You Get Lost

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Hockey
Tags: , , , , ,

During the Ducks/Leafs Monday night Anaheim’s enforcer George Parros squared off against Toronto’s resident tough-guy Colton Orr. The two tangled and threw a number of punches at one another, most of which glanced off the various pads they wore. As the fight seemed to wind down, one of the refs came close to try and separate the two pugilists and cart them off to the penalty boxes, the fighters were not down though. As the linesman approached Orr’s arm came out and shoved him to the ice, allowing Parros an opportunity to take down Orr with a right-hand punch and get him on the ice.

27
Oct
09

A Yankee Killer Doppelganger

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball, Doppelgangers and Movies
Tags: , , , ,

It’s been far far too long since we’ve had a doppelganger up, and in honor of game 1 of the World Series tonight we have a doozy for you.  Please make sure to VOTE in the poll below as well as visit the permanent Doppelgangers page to see the many other fabulous doppelgangers we have assembled.

When he was hired by the New York Yankees to be their manager, Joe Girardi took the uniform number “27” to show that he was being brought in to win championship #27 for the franchise. With calls for his head after last year’s disappointing non-playoffs finish, Girardi has somewhat redeemed himself by getting to the World Series this year. Then again, he completely mismanages his bullpen, makes decisions that seemingly make no sense and doesn’t always deal with the press in the best manner. Exactly what you want from the manager of the highest paid team in the history of baseball. Despite lacking opposable thumbs, in Jurassic Park the velociraptors prove to be the most deadly killing machines in the park. Sure, T-Rex has all the size, but look at those puny arms, the raptors meanwhile hunt in packs, communicate with one another and can jump and run like they’re in the Olympics. Basically, if it’s you or them, they’re going to win. You don’t mess with the raptors or they’ll cut you in half, here’s hoping the Phillies can likewise eviscerate the Yanks in this series.

Don’t forget to VOTE BELOW only YOU can make sure this doppelganger makes its way to the permanent page!

GirardiRaptor

26
Oct
09

Peja Spends a Night in Sienna West

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Basketball, Douches and Hot Women
Tags: , , ,

New Orleans Hornet Peja Stojakovic is married to Greek model Aleka Kamila, who is, to be blunt, a fucking SMOKESHOW, so it makes perfect sense that while in LA on Friday he met up with Sienna West (right)(link very NSFW), an adult film star who tweeted all about their encounter. Now, I believe in being friendly to new acquaintances and I know things work differently in the adult film world, but when someone tweets:

It doesn’t leave much to imagination does it. Of course, today, Sienna’s twitter account seems to be deleted, despite having posted something as recently as 9 hours ago. Then again, there is also ANOTHER account named “therealwest” that hasn’t been updated since June, so it is possible this is all a scam by some bored twitter-nerd. Regardless, now you have an image of this man’s (left) penis in your brain.

Hey Aleka, if you ever want to get back at him, I’m here for you. We can make magic together.

[Deadspin]

26
Oct
09

Skip It!

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Golf
Tags: , ,

It is hard enough to hit a hole-in-one, let alone to get one by skipping the ball across a water hazard and THEN dropping it in the hole. Well, Vijay Singh did just that this year at the Masters tournament. Sure you could be like, hey, it’s October and that was APRIL, get current, to which I’d respond, “yes, but golf is slow and boring and so it takes at least 6 months for interesting things to be noticed by me.”

26
Oct
09

Reggie Bush Can Fly

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , ,

The six yard-line is a full 18 feet from the end zone; during yesterday’s stunning 22-point 4th quarter comeback, Reggie Bush of the Saints shows off his leaping ability, taking off from the 6 and scoring a pretty astonishing TD. It’s move like this that led to him being such a hot prospect out of the draft, unfortunately those moves haven’t translated to the field enough. This play though is ridiculous.

26
Oct
09

It’s Curtains for Booth

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Hockey
Tags: , , , ,

Have you ever taken a shoulder to the face from a hard-skating very large man that knocks you completely unconscious? Me either. I’d like to keep it that way. David Booth of the Florida Panthers might have been able to say he too had never experienced that, until Saturday that is. Booth has the puck in the middle of the ice and then Flyers captain Mike Richards comes flying in and sends Booth somewhere into the next decade.

Booth lay prone on the ice for several minutes before a stretcher took him off the ice and to the hospital for observation.

The Panthers were advocating a suspension for Richards, but the as of right now the Flyers captain looks like he’ll avoid that fate.

26
Oct
09

Don’t Be Coy — You Love Twin Cheerleaders

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Awesome, Football and Hot Women
Tags: , , ,

Marisa and Larisa Coy are busy during the week with their day jobs, teaching 6th grade math at two Baytown, TX middle schools, come Sundays, they are at Reliant Field in their duties as cheerleaders for the Texans. The twin 25-year-olds have been members of the Texans cheerleading squad for 5 years now, beating out 900 other young dancers at their first tryouts.

Since becoming Texans cheerleaders they’ve been featured in Sports Illustrated and the Texans cheerleader bikini calendar leading to some fun moments around the ol’ middle school.

“Most of the students already know, but others, when they first find out, they’re generally surprised,” Marisa said. “One of my students said ‘I’ve seen you before,’ so I had to tell him where he saw me.”

That has to be a difficult moment for a 6th grader to come face-to-face with the calendar image he’ s been abusing himself to and find out she’s also your new math teacher. Lord knows I’d have learned the FUCK out algebra though.

Larisa and Marisa Coy

[Houston Chronicle]

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