Archive for the 'Movies' Category

31
Dec
09

A Titan-Sized Alien Hunter Doppelganger

Since being drafted in 2008, Chris Johnson has been kicking ass and taking names in the NFL without giving quarter. The slippery and super fast Johnson is a menace to defenses everywhere, he is always a threat to break any run and go the distance, in any other year, Johnson’s quest for 2,000 yards would put him directly in line for the MVP trophy. In the Predator movies, the eponymous alien has come to earth in search of trophies himself, hunting trophies that is, of the people he hunts. Interestingly, Kevin Peter Hall who played the Predator was 7′ 2″ and prior to filming Predator had just finished up shooting on Harry and the Hendersons. All I know is that faced with either of these guys chasing you there isn’t much chance of making it out alive.

Make sure you VOTE in the poll below and then make your way over to the permanent Doppelgangers page to bask in the glory of all the previous doppelgangers we’ve assembled.

13
Nov
09

San Dimas Football High RULES!

Bill and TedI’m late to this story but it is simply too important to ignore; the San Dimas High School football team is CRUSHING the competition. Currently sitting 8-1, the Saints have outscored their opponents 343-91 with 4 shutouts, including 3 in a row.

This past week they took on the Northview Vikings, who scored a season high 24 points against San Dimas. That simply wasn’t enough though as the Saints rushed for 313 yards proving once more the prescience of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure; San Dimas Football DOES rule.

Be excellent to each other.

And, PARTY ON DUDES!

[San Gabriel Valley Tribune]

13
Nov
09

Derek Jeter is a BUM!

JeterJeterNoted thespian Derek Jeter was down on Coney Island yesterday filming a bit part for Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell’s new movie, The Other Guys playing a part that’s a bit incongruous with his normal image, a homeless beggar.

Wearing a silver wig, a dirty stained jacket and torn-up sneakers, Jeter gamely faced the wind and chill in the air to film his part outside Coney Island’s famous Nathans Hot Dogs.

Expect him to receive an Oscar nomination despite the fact that there were a slew of candidates with legitimate range available.

[NY Daily News]

27
Oct
09

A Yankee Killer Doppelganger

It’s been far far too long since we’ve had a doppelganger up, and in honor of game 1 of the World Series tonight we have a doozy for you.  Please make sure to VOTE in the poll below as well as visit the permanent Doppelgangers page to see the many other fabulous doppelgangers we have assembled.

When he was hired by the New York Yankees to be their manager, Joe Girardi took the uniform number “27” to show that he was being brought in to win championship #27 for the franchise. With calls for his head after last year’s disappointing non-playoffs finish, Girardi has somewhat redeemed himself by getting to the World Series this year. Then again, he completely mismanages his bullpen, makes decisions that seemingly make no sense and doesn’t always deal with the press in the best manner. Exactly what you want from the manager of the highest paid team in the history of baseball. Despite lacking opposable thumbs, in Jurassic Park the velociraptors prove to be the most deadly killing machines in the park. Sure, T-Rex has all the size, but look at those puny arms, the raptors meanwhile hunt in packs, communicate with one another and can jump and run like they’re in the Olympics. Basically, if it’s you or them, they’re going to win. You don’t mess with the raptors or they’ll cut you in half, here’s hoping the Phillies can likewise eviscerate the Yanks in this series.

Don’t forget to VOTE BELOW only YOU can make sure this doppelganger makes its way to the permanent page!

GirardiRaptor

09
Sep
09

Probably the Handsomest Doppelganger Yet

When not signing obsenity-laden memorabilia for children or starting spring training fights, occasionally — very occasionally — Shelley Duncan gets called up to the majors for a few meaningless at-bats with the Yankees. A marginal talent who can hit fastballs and little else, Shelley is also the son of famed pitching coach Dave Duncan and brother to the equally medium-talented Chris Duncan. Star of the cult classic The Toxic Avenger, Toxie is forced to build a home in a junkyard while fighting crime in his neighborhood. His calling card was leaving a mop on his victims’ faces, which, if you think about it, is really gross. Reader Saint Dynamite‘s little bro, minizeges, sent this along so VOTE in the poll below to send it to the permanent doppelgangers page.

DuncanToxicAvenger

22
Jul
09

I Am Jack’s Throbbing Doppelganger

After being the choice of many for the Cy Young award last season, instead, Justin Verlander suffered through the worst of his young career. He has bounced back in spectacular fashion this season though and remains the only bright spot on my otherwise miserable fantasy baseball pitching staff. One of the best actors of his generation, Ed Norton has avoided the pitfalls of over-saturation for the time being and has had the fortune of being in some incredible movies. Of course, he’s also incredible, so it goes both ways. Verlander and Norton go only one way, to the PERMANENT doppelgangers page! (We hope! Vote in the poll below!)

VerlanderNorton

h/t to Saint Dynamite for the tip!

22
Jul
09

You Know What I Like About Doppelgangers?

Tim Lincecum has dominated baseball the last 2.5 years, unfortunately, he plays his games for the San Francisco Giants who have zero offense. Despite that he won the first of his Cy Youngs and is on his way to earning several more. The pint-sized ace wears his hair long and doesn’t take any guff from the older kids. In 1993, Wiley Wiggins — who incidentally looks like this now — played young Mitch Kramer in Dazed and Confused; the young future freshman phenom pitcher who narrowly escapes the evil clutches of Ben Affleck. I have zero doubt in my mind that, at some point this season, Randy Johnson has chased Lincecum around the clubhouse with a paddle. I also have little doubt that Lincecum has dumped paint onto Bengie Molina from a hotel balcony.

As ever, please vote in the poll below and visit the permanent Doppelgangers page by going HERE.

LincecumMitch

07
Jul
09

Doppelgangers Can Solve Global Warming

Alex Loeb is an anchor at ESPN but because of a logjam of anchors has been relegated to doing recaps of baseball games for ESPN.com. He’s not bad when he’s on, but don’t get too used to it, after all, America would be so deprived without our Chris Berman viewings…Rahm Emanuel is one of the most powerful people in the world, serving as Chief of Staff to President Obama. Emanuel, who once trained to become a professional ballet dancer is also known for his wild temper and filthy mouth. He also served as the inspiration for Bradley Whitford’s character, Josh Lyman on The West Wing, which interestingly enough means the Emanuel family has served as the inspiration for 2 popular characters on big-time TV shows (Rahm’s brother Ari is who Jeremy Piven’s Ari Gold is based off on Entourage.) Most importantly, these two men look alike, are we sure Loeb isn’t a lost Emanuel brother?

LoebEmanuel

Producer of 5 straight 40+ HR seasons, Adam Dunn swings a big bat in the middle of the Washington Nationals lineup. He manages some of the biggest moonshots in the league thanks to his big frame and quick bat, although he also manages to strike out over 100 times a season. Once considered a future cornerstone of the Reds franchise, Dunn has subsequently been traded to the D-Backs last season and this year toils as one of the few bright spots on the mediocrity known as the Nationals. Hilarious on SNL, initially hilarious in his early non-Roxbury movies, Will Ferrell has entertained millions of people with his one-note characters. Still able to draw a crowd even though he’s essentially made the same m0vie 4-5 times in a row now, it’s a shame because he really is a funny guy, he just stopped trying. Hopefully Ferrell doesn’t go the “legitimate” actor route and start doing heavy dramas to show his acting “chops.” More importantly, these two men, as pointed out by Saint Dynamite share quite the resemblance.

DunnFerrell

06
Jul
09

Doppelgangers to Celebrate the Birth of America

Before the 2007 season, Homer Bailey was widely considered one of the top 3 prospects in all of minor league baseball; his major league debut was highly anticipated and it was expected that his knee-buckling curve ball and high 90s fastball would lead to years of success. Unfortunately for the Reds (and the multiple fantasy teams I picked him up on), Bailey is still searching for any major league success, although on Friday he pitched 7.1 innings of 3 hit, 2 run ball, so who knows, maybe he’s finally starting to figure it all out. Starting out his career working with Steven Spielberg’s Empire of the Sun, Christian Bale’s Hollywood career really took off after his critically acclaimed performance in The Machinist. Since then, he’s obviously moved onto even larger projects, including playing Batman and John Connors in the new Terminator vehicle. While Bale is British and grew up in Wales, and Bailey is a big-hatted Texan, the similarity in their names is clearly no coincidence, these two men share quite the resemblance, as loyal reader Saint Dynamite pointed out. BaileyBale

Entering rarefied territory, Dustin Pedroia is only the third player in MLB history to win the Rookie of the Year and follow it up the next season with an MVP. Add in his World Series Ring, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger and cover for Playstation’s 2009 MLB: The Show and you have quite a crowded trophy case for a player only in his third big league season. The heart of the Red Sox team these days, it won’t be surprising to see Pedroia be named captain when the Red Sox move on from Jason Varitek, despite his young age. Jason Mraz produces music of some sort that the kids and such like. I don’t listen to anything but sports radio and haven’t heard new music since the late 90s, so I have no idea. However, new reader Barnyard pointed out this doppelganger and I think it has legs. Make sure you vote in the poll below to voice YOUR opinion.

PedroiaMraz

04
Jul
09

Independence Day Has Many Secrets

Every year on the 4th of July the Slanch Report takes a look back at our very first blog entry, one that changed the entire landscape of the world as we unraveled the many many hidden messages within Roland Emmerich’s masterpiece, Independence Day. Join us once more and let’s hope we can learn.

________

Despite being panned by critics, audiences flocked to see Roland Emmerich’s newest opus, 10,000 BC, and I think I know why.

In 1996, Emmerich directed one of the finest action movies of all-time, Independence Day. More than just a movie, this film was a prognosticator of the future.

If only we had been listening.

Three different, very clear messages were placed in this movie. The first, seen here, is taken from the moment when Jeff Goldblum’s character explains to the President the idea of “line-of-sight” and how satellites work.

Notice the drawing that Goldblum does, look familiar? Maybe that’s because it looks awfully congruent to THIS!

Eerily similar no?
Now a random image in a movie is one thing, merely coincidence, but only moments later, after convincing the President that the time to leave is now, Goldblum and Pullman exit with others onboard Marine One. As they take off, Goldblum pulls out his handy mid-90’s Mac Powerbook and looks at the countdown timer…

Now its starting to get a little bit more real, you’re starting to feel that tingle up your spine…

Let’s not forget what these “aliens” do in this movie. With a carefully orchestrated attack, the aliens destroy the Capitol Records building, the Empire State Building and the White House instantly and simultaneously.

It is only when all of the world joins together, putting aside its squabbles, putting aside religious and cultural differences to fight a common enemy that there is success. Goldblum and Will Smith ride deep into space and into the alien mothership armed with a nuclear bomb. They set it off and it causes the protective shields to come down off the ships floating around Earth. Earth responds with attacks, Randy Quaid saves the day, flies his F-15 into the most vulnerable part of the alien ship and destroys it almost instantly. But it doesn’t just blow up, Roland Emmerich, that mad German throws one last message out there for those who know how to hear (see) it.

Who saves the world from aliens?

Of course! How could America (and the rest of the dirty world) defeat aliens? Because of Jesus (or Burning Man…)! It only makes sense, just ask the Mormons.

So what conclusions can we take from these messages?

  1. The Masons are involved in nefarious things, don’t believe me? Look here and here.
  2. Roland Emmerich was able to predict exactly the date that a building would be destroyed by people alien to America.
  3. If the President had listened in time, disaster could have been, if not completely avoided at least mitigated.
  4. Jeff Goldblum always knows the right answers.
  5. America can only be saved from aliens by Jesus
  6. The answer to the immigration issue is Jesus

So, these images, none of which have been doctored or photoshopped in any manner prove conclusively that Independence Day warned us, in advance that the Masons were going to be involved in something that would destroy a building. Not only that, but the movie tells us the exact date. The movie showed us the dangers in having a president not listen to those who know. But did President Bush listen? When Jeff Goldblum arrives out of nowhere to warn his President, that president listens, and many–well…some–lives are saved. Ultimately though, the whole world is saved, because one man was able to convince the most powerful, and because the powerful were willing to listen. We didn’t understand the message that Emmerich was presenting us in 1996. But it is not too late now!

The Day After Tomorrow showed us the effects that global warming will have upon us, and particularly New York City, are we heeding the message?

Independence Day warns us about the Masons, warns us about 9/11 and warns us continually about the dangers of aliens to America. These aliens expose their plan to Bill Pullman who realizes that “they’re like locusts. They travel from planet to planet, their whole civilization. After they’ve consumed every natural resource they move on. And we’re next.” Sounds awfully familiar to the refrains of alien workers draining resources from the government and stealing those awesome avocado picking jobs that everyone wants so badly.

In this election season there is no doubt that not only should you see 10,000 BC, but if you care about America and the world, that you need to see this film. Take your kids, your friends, your parents, anyone whom you want to live.

This might be the most important film in the history of the world.

You’ve heard of Cinéma Verité…If only our leaders will listen to the modern day Nostradamus, Roland Emmerich.

15
Jun
09

The Indians Make the Best Bobbleheads!

20090615_vaughnFans who have gone to the Indians’ games the last few days have been the lucky recipients of some of the best promotions yet this season. First there was the Shin-Soo Choo 80s bobblehead, and now, as promised, an even better one; a Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn bobblehead.

The face isn’t a great facsimile of Vaughn (or Charlie Sheen), it’s the equivalent of switching Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps, close but not quite the same. However, I’m more than willing to overlook that fact because it looks like they got the Wild Thing hair perfectly in the back. So long as there is also a Skull and Crossbones on the glasses then we’re cool.

I’m SO SO SO SO SO mad that I’m not at this game and can’t get one. Because the Indians know quality and know how to draw the fans, this promotion, like the Shin-Soo Choo one, is not limited, ALL fans in attendance will receive one. Awesome. I want. I also hope they ultimately make the whole Major League team, I’d love a Jake Taylor calling his shot one, or Harris getting hit with a bat, and of course, Dorn not laying out. Cleveland ROCKS!

[Indians]

14
Mar
08

It Depends on What Your Definition of “They’re” Is

Thanks to the internet, it is a rare occasion these days for me to enter a video store but recently, when I was in upstate NY some friends and I decided to rent some movies. While in the store, we HAD to check out the adult section, if only as a sociological survey to see what was enticing the peoples of upstate New York.

Turns out upstate is all about the anal. But that’s a digression. In the porn section I came across this high-brow title.

3220065135_bd997534c5

Call me old fashioned, but I miss the days when pornos weren’t just rushed out the door immediately after filming. The days when some grizzled old sketchy dude in the valley, wearing a Gold’s Gym tank top and flip-flops over his yellowing toe-nails would at least glance at the cover to a movie before shipping it out to the masses.

Oh the golden years. It seems those days have long past.

Where I am confused by this movie is; if these women are slutty mothers, how are they also husbands? Are they their own husbands? Do they lead bigamous lives with two families, one where they are the husband and one they are the wife? And are they incredibly horny? Or merely presenting an homage to little-discussed Russian author Andrei Bely? Is this a tranny flick? It wasn’t labeled as such and it’d be a shame to mislead the good denizens of the Stone Ridge area.

I was forcibly dragged out of the room and overruled by my narc friends on renting the film.

These questions still haunt me…




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