Archive for October 28th, 2009


Nobody Bites My Wife But Me

In June of 2008, while visiting an art gallery in Hingham, MA, Stacey Wakefield, wife of Red Sox knuckleballer Tim was bitten by an English mastiff, Gabriella, that is the pet of the gallery’s owners. Last June ANOTHER woman was bitten by the dog.

With those two incidents in hand, the Hingham Board of Selectman unanimously voted to have that 8-year-old bitch euthanized.

In rendering their decision the Selectman called the gallery owners, Robert and Megan Ullman “irresponsible.” However, the Ullmans insist their bitch isn’t violent and intend to appeal the decision.

I wouldn’t expect much sympathy from another judge, this dog could have injured the WIFE of a PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER, that kind of negligence just can’t be allowed. Next time it could be the girlfriend of a hockey player, and I just WON’T stand for that.



Kobe, You Left Phil Hanging

Derek Fisher patiently waits so that he can get a fist bump from his coach prior to tipoff for the Lakers’ title defense run, his patience is rewarded by Phil Jackson giving him an enthused bump.  Phil takes a seat and Kobe walks by, assuming that Kobe would want to acknowledge his coach and get the season started on a good foot Jackson anticipates the bump but there is none forthcoming. Phil recovers though and acts like he never even went for the bump in the first place, but we know what actually happened.


Mark Sanchez Buys 1000 Hot Dogs and Hamburgers

After receiving a ton of negative attention for eating a hot dog on the sidelines during the Jets game against the Raiders this past Sunday, QB Mark Sanchez has made an effort to atone in the court of public opinion. So he went out to the local A&P and purchased 500 hot dogs and 500 hamburgers and enough buns and rolls for all and donated them to the Community Soup Kitchen in Morristown, NJ. Now, I’ll happily rank on the Sanchise because you know, he plays for the Jets, but for this one moment that’s a pretty nice thing to do. Well played rook.



This Seems Like an Opportune Time to Walk Across

My favorite part of this video is how, despite a large man running full-steam directly toward her, Gabriela Szabo, a Hungarian long-distance runner remains completely oblivious and even turns her head the opposite direction right before he rams into her. Hilarious.

[The Big Lead]


A Guest Opinion on L’Affaire Steve Phillips

brooke2Loyal reader and sometime commenter RowdyRoddyPaulper is a man who enjoys an adult beverage every now and again. Regardless, he is hilarious at all times, when he sent me a drunken email about Steve Phillips late last night I just KNEW I had to post it. So, below is the full text of the email, enjoy it as much as I have.

I recently (like yesterday) read up on the whole Steve Phillips/ugly PA story. Let me address a few issues I have that you may or may not have addressed:

1) One article (possibly (I’m a drunk-and currently drunk-so I forget things)) said that the Steve Phillips’ “issue” was a symptom of ESPN being a post-grad frathouse. Fine. When I think of ESPN, I think frathouse. But the Steve Phillips situation proves the opposite point. Frathouses like hot girls. Also, hot girls semi-unfortunately like frathouses. Brooke Hundley is a 4 (with makeup…a shitload of makeup). If ESPN were a true working-place frathouse, Brooke Hundley would have never gotten a job there unless her dad is some sort of high-ranking Disney exec. Even still though…

Brooke Hundley was probably hired by a woman who didn’t want her job threatened… which leads me to my next point…

2) WOMEN ARE HIRING PA’s AT ESPN. This is absurd. I’ve worked in TV for a while and have learned that lucky guys and hot women get jobs (entry-level on up). I’ve been unemployed for over a month now and am more than certain my average looks are to blame. I’m not mad at this. Hell, given hiring power, I’d hire the entire Brazzers roster over all those overqualified, eggheaded, coke-snorting (not the fun kind), Ivy League fruitcakes. We can safely say that although ESPN may have long ago been a glorious frathouse, they’ve been eaten alive by Title IX loving, Teva sandal wearing, women. These ladies have pulled one of the most successful coups of all time in my opinion.

3) My third point is in no way affiliated with my first two points. Hypothetical situation: you’re Steve Phillips, you’re married, and your wife isn’t satisfying your many complex man-needs. Where do you go? Instinct says you go to the hottest piece of ass that will let you bone her. Instinct is, in this case, wrong. Hot girls have entitlement issues, low self-esteem, and bodies that you would kill your best friend over. And they WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS. They’ll either tell your wife at a highly inappropriate time and/or wear an adult diaper and drive across many, many states with the intent to harm you. Fortunately for you, Steve Phillips, ugly ladies are generally much less problematic. They’re just happy for attention. They have vaginas and those vaginas are fun. Hot girls have vaginas but they come at a higher price.

Steve Phillips fucked a fat girl because she gave him the things his wife would not. And he thought these things were free. And they usually are when a fat girl is involved. But the fat girl went BAT SHIT CRAZY! This is highly unusual. One can only assume her dad actually is a high ranking Disney exec (hence the entitlement) and my whole argument is ruined. If I were actually employed, this email would’ve been a huge waste of time.


Real Madrid Gets CRUSHED by Third Division Club

192445_alcorcon_raul_dest_2Real Madrid, which boasts a payroll over $600 million, squared off against Alcoran, a third-division club in the King’s Cup on Tuesday. Despite being one of the premier soccer clubs in the world Real was defeated handily, 4-0 by a club whose total payroll comes to $1.8 million. How embarrassing! Sure, they were missing several of their top players to injury but that’s still no excuse, they’re fucking REAL MADRID.

This is like the Yankees being taken down by a D3 liberal arts college.

“It’s an embarrassment, I have no explanation,” manager Manuel Pellegrini said at a news conference afterwards. “When you lose like that there is not much to say. Sometimes in the Cup you think that your weaker opponent is easily beaten and until you lose you don’t take them seriously.”

Fortunately, the club officials are taking it all in stride. Real director general Jorge Valdano apologized to the fans on the team’s website for his team’s pathetic performance. “It’s difficult and I know how the Madrid supporters must be feeling. We have to take it as a lesson in humility that must serve as a starting point for a fresh beginning. We must stick together, and when I say together I am also thinking about the coach.”



Naked Hockey Sweeps the Nation, Shrinkage Ensues

6a00d8341c51c053ef00e54f566d0a8833-800wiLast week we saw the Tampa Bay Lightning end their practice with a game of “Naked Breakaway,” now the kids are following the example of their heroes. An Idaho junior hockey team was kicked out of a city rink when the 17- to 20-year-olds started playing the same game.

After the events on last Wednesday, the Idaho Junior Steelheads were banned from using the Idaho Ice World for 4 days and one 17-year-old was suspended through next week for taking off his underwear.

An adult, whose daughter was on a nearby rink saw the Steelheads skating in their underwear and reported it, leading the police to start an investigation, specifically to see if Boise’s public decency laws were violated.

“The investigation is pending,” said Boise Police Department spokeswoman Lynn Hightower.

The city’s public decency ordinances forbid citizens from showing their butts in public, “largely to curb erotic dance parlors. Exemptions include dance, ballet, music or dramatic performances, or artistic displays; nudity during hockey practice isn’t on the list.”



Clear Eyes, Full Hearts

Wednesday night means the beginning of the 4th season of Friday Night Lights will air on DirecTV. To celebrate one of the absolute best shows on television — that not enough of you are watching — here is part two of my three part series to get you more interested in the show.

FNL isn’t about football, despite the name, it’s about a city in Texas and the people and a community that defines itself by its football team. With excellent acting, particularly from Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler who are one of the best TV couples of all-time, and a strong ensemble cast, the stories are heart-felt, touching, humorous and exciting. And if you do like football, you have never seen more come-from-behind victories like Dillon High has. This show is phenomenal, every single person I have introduced it to has fallen in love with it, you will too. All you need is a desire to see quality television and everything else will fall into place.

Adrianne Palicki plays the role of Tyra Collette, the super hot vixen type whose character develops decides she wants to go to college and get out of Texas and manages to do so, all the while remaining jaw-droppingly hot. Tyra was due to graduate at the end of the last season, so it’s unclear how much a role she’ll play this season, but goddamn, she is a very fine actress and an absolute smokeshow.

Adrianne Palicki 1

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October 2009