Archive for March 27th, 2009


Long Live the King

Felix Hernandez, nicknamed King Felix, is one of the better young pitchers in the majors; while there have been spurts of his greatness, he’s yet to put it all together for an entire season. Will this be the year? Fresh off some fantastic performances in the WBC, King Felix looks poised to take on all comers. Of course, it won’t help the Mariners who will still be terrible, but, so it goes.

Here’s a fun commercial from the Mariners PR staff, advertising this upcoming season to Seattle fans, I like almost everything, except I’m confused why he’s pitching to a member of the Rockies, since you know, they play in a totally different league and stuff…



10 Jews Get On a Snowboard

24-snowboardNo, that’s not the beginning of an awesome joke; on April 1, Eric Sweet, 47, wants to set a new world record with a special-built 10-person 36-foot snowboard, launching it at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort in Wyoming. It’s one thing to create a super long snowboard for no reason, but Sweet has thrown in an extra wrinkle into the whole process, all of the riders will be Jewish!

Sweet already has received a trademark hold from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office giving him rights to the name “Ten Jews, One Snowboard” and “The Minyan Board.”

“It was more difficult to put 10 Jews together and agree on something [than actually making the board],” Sweet said. “That’s part of what I think is funny: With 10 Jews, can we actually pull it off? I don’t know. With 10 Jews on a snowboard, it’s going to be hard for us to look athletic.”

That’s the most difficult part? I would think finding 10 Jews in WYOMING would be much harder…

This isn’t the first time Sweet has come up with a unique snowboard idea; he made and rode a 3-person board last year, drawing local media attention. “Before you rode it, the feeling was unimaginable,” Sweet said. “We fell three times. It’s never been done since then.”

Originally from New York (of course!) and currently residing in Maine, Sweet has been going to Jackson for winters since he was 13 years old. His idea for the Minyan Board came after meeting Rabbi Zalman Mendelsohn in Jackson.

“I came back to Jackson this winter and wanted to do something more,” Sweet said. “I approached the rabbi, spoke to him about that idea, and he thought it was fun. He thought it would bring fun to Judaism. It was crazy enough to work.” Continue reading ’10 Jews Get On a Snowboard’



Yesterday in the Marlins clubhouse, upset with the team’s new dress code, Hanley Ramirez was extremely angry, grabbed a sharpie and wrote on his t-shirt, “I’m sick of this shit.” He told reporters and teammates in the locker room “I’m angry, I want to be traded.”

All of this started because the new Marlins dress code requires him to cut off his cornrows and he won’t be allowed to play while wearing jewelry anymore. “It’s incredible,” he said later. “We’re big-leaguers.”

“We want to look professional,” manager Fredie Gonzalez said. “Nice and neat.”

After throwing his temper tantrum, Hanley met up with and chatted with team President David Samson, GM Larry Beinfest and assistant GM Mike Hill, and came out singing a different tune.

“Everything’s great, I’m fine,” he said. “My mind calmed down.”

When asked if that meant he didn’t want to be traded anymore, he said with a smile, “Everything’s going to be fine.”


Theo, call up the Marlins again, offer them Clay, Lowrie and nearly whatever else. I want Hanley back in a Red Sox uniform. We can make him happiest! I miss you Hanley!

[NBC Sports]


Torch Relays Being Scrapped By IOC

You violate the basic human rights of your citizens for about 60 years and all of a sudden, you’re a bad guy, right China? Thanks to their mishandling of their own citizenry, inspiring all sorts of crazed people going after the Olympic torch to try and make a statement, China has ruined the Olympic Torch run for everyone else. The International Olympic Committee has decided to no longer do worldwide torch relays as they have done since the Athens Games in 2004.

“We have always said the primary focus would be on a domestic torch relay whose main purpose is to excite and inspire the UK in the build-up to the games,” said a London 2012 spokeswoman.

“We planned to take our lead from the IOC and are very happy with this decision as it mirrors what we were intending to do.”

IOC executive director Gilbert Felli said:

After the (2004) relay in Athens, which was the first international relay, we came to the conclusion it was easier for the torch to stay inside the (host) country. There were difficulties with the NOCs (National Olympic Committees), and we also saw the risk with a torch relay going around the world. Beijing had planned an international torch relay and we accepted it. We saw in the debrief that the risk was there and the IOC decided not to do it (again). I think when the torch relay is inside the host country there is more control.

You imprison people for no reason and deprive them of basic human rights and everyone else has to suffer. Way to go China.



A Promotion We Need in America

Spanish soccer team Villarreal fans won’t see themselves shut out from their favorite team next year, even if they don’t have the money for tickets thanks to the worldwide economic crisis. That’s thanks to the players who intend to help out those fans that are unemployed. With unemployment in Spain at 13.9 percent and in Castellon where they play, even higher at 14.7 percent, the players will be contributing to a special fun that helps provide season tickets to fans who have lost their jobs.

Villarreal president Fernando Roig said, “Season-ticket holders who are on the dole will be allowed in free next year. The idea is to think of the club’s wider social base and those who have been unlucky to lose their jobs so they can continue to watch football in the Madrigal.”

Everyone from the team’s star players to team executives, board members, coaches and sponsors will be contributing to the fund, in a very rare example of a sports team giving BACK to the people who support it.

One of the team’s big-time players, Joseba Llorente was glad to help out, saying, “We are keen to get involved because it seems like a good idea considering the times we are in. There are many people without work and it’s a shame if they don’t come to the stadium because of this.”

Now, I’d love it if the Red Sox or even the Mets decided to do this too. I’m sure I could find my way to the stadiums pretty regularly in that case… C’mon America, you want to fall behind SPAIN!?!

[Sports Rubbish]


The Hockey Star and The Hot Hockey Daughter

alyonka-larionovOne of the best young players in the NHL, Evgeni Malkin of the Pittsburgh Penguins knows his way around the ice, but when it comes to the kitchen, not so much. Here he is with Hall-of-Famer Igor Larionov’s daughter, Alyonka making pirogies for the Penguins website. You don’t usually see this much sexual tension in an internet video that doesn’t end up on youporn.

Alyonka, who was briefly on American Idol, also previously dated Alexander Ovechkin, who of course has a little feud going with Malkin’s teammate Sidney Crosby. Clearly Alex the Great doesn’t mind others going for HIS sloppy seconds.

This video is full of awkward and fun moments as the two share the kitchen, the tension is thick and thanks to Puck Daddy, here are some fun screencaps, unedited to provide a completely different version of the video.

[Puck Daddy]



I Bet He Yelled a Lot

Along with a number of other rich folk, tennis legend John McEnroe found out that they were duped by art dealer Lawrence Salander, who pulled off his own version of an $88 million art Ponzi scheme.

Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau at a press conference said, “He sold artwork not owned by him and kept the money and lured investment money in fraudulent investment opportunities.”  Salander used the money to fund “an extravagant lifestyle” of lavish parties and private jets, Morgenthau added.

I can imagine that McEnroe, best known for his tantrums on the courts and fights with line judges, took the entire thing in stride, probably taking it very calmly and with a measured and calculated response. Or about 15,000 F-bombs and “motherfuckers.”

Some of the details of the alleged scheme:

Authorities have identified 26 victims of Salander’s scheme, including McEnroe, who lost $2 million after investing a half share in two paintings, Arshile Gorky’s “Pirate I and II.” The share in the paintings was sold at the same time to another collector, and McEnroe never recouped the money, authorities said…

Renaissance Art Investors, a company focused on investment in old master paintings, lost $45 million in the scheme, authorities said.

Earl Davis, the son of American abstract painter Stuart Davis, lost $6.7 million, authorities said, while Bank of America lost $2 million after Salander lied about paintings he owned to secure a loan.

Hester Diamond, the widow of late renowned New York art dealer Harold Diamond and mother of Beastie Boys’ Mike D, lost $6 million, authorities said.

I wonder if McEnroe thinks Salander needs to go to The CHAIR



Cubs Fans in Mid-Season Form

Spring Training games are a time to relax, the games aren’t too serious and everyone is casual and chill. While the players are getting into game shape, fans need to get themselves geared up for the season too, and for this one Cubs fan, I think he’s already there. If there are classier things than wearing a girl’s Cubs shirt while drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, in a can, I don’t know what they are.

As Homer Derby, who found this photo, says, “I’m really hoping that this guy lost a bet,” I too hope so. Or maybe this is his way to exorcise the Cubs demons, I mean, just look at those abs!

[Homer Derby]


New Yankee Stadium Gets Built

Being a Sox fan, I obviously don’t care for the Yankees too much; while our two(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) recent World Series victories have helped quench the hatred, it will never truly leave. That said, here’s a really cool video of the new Yankees Stadium being built using time-lapse photography, which, if you’re a regular reader you know I’m a sucker for. I also applaud the Yankees (at least for now) for being probably the ONLY franchise in sports to build a new stadium and NOT desperately seek out corporate sponsors for the naming rights. The Mets couldn’t WAIT to sell themselves, but the Yankees retained just a little bit of class and kept their stadium just as Yankee Stadium, and I for one am really glad about that. Of course, it helps to be making so much goddamn money that they don’t even NEED the naming rights fees, but still, in this day and age, I’m glad that Yankee Stadium isn’t going to be Pfizer Field or something…

Although, now that I think of it, Dick’s Sporting Goods would be a perfect sponsor, Yankee Dick’s Stadium or the Dick’s Stadium perhaps? The House that Dick’s Built?


The Fox is On the Hunt

edushkurfox032509_01-fullI almost went to school with Eliza Dushku; I was a year too late and she left the school to go film True Lies. While I’m disappointed because she clearly would have wanted to get down with my 7th grade self, I allow it because of the cinematic masterpiece that is that movie. So I consider her and I close.

That’s why, when I saw these pictures of her and one-time Celtics captain and former Acie Earl teammate, Rick Fox getting cozy with each another at a club, I feel sick to my stomach.

Rick, you already had, and cheated on Vanessa Williams, you even got to be on Oz, haven’t you done enough, why not leave the hot babes out there for me instead? It’s really the only fair thing.

[The Big Lead]


Are There Funnier Things Than People Falling?

This video was making the rounds the other day, but I missed it while traveling, so, fuck it, I’m putting it up now.

Here is a local volleyball tournament organizer talking with the local news when the sheer enormity of the moment overwhelms her.

I can’t stop laughing at this and I’m totally comfortable with what that says about me.

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

March 2009