The Slanch Report

On Tuesday the Milwaukee Breweres bullpen (cough, Eric Gagne, choke, cough cough) allowed 5 runs in 2 innings to force the game into extra innings. Gabe Gross hit a double in the bottom of the 12th that got him into position to be scored by Gabe Kaplers single, winning the game. Going 2-4 with 2 doubles, 3 runs scored and a stolen base he had quite a fine stat line for the day. Not enough though in Doug Melvin’s, the Brewers’ GM, eyes. Immediately following the game Gross was dealt to the Tampa Bay Shaitan Rays for a minor league pitcher. Nice way to say thanks! What’s worse, is that this is not the first time this has happened to Gabe, he has a long history of things going well and then quickly not.

• In third grade, Gabe brought in cupcakes for his entire class. During the recess kickball game he started suffering cramps from eating too many and threw up all over Mindy Glotzberg, his crush was never realized.
• Junior year of high school Gross received his first awkward, teethy BJ and was feeling especially good. When getting a physical later that afternoon, the nurse informed him he had crabs.
• While playing in Single-A, Gross and some teammates went to a Hooter’s for some wings. He asked out one of the waitresses, who accepted. While walking out the door with her of the restaurant she was struck by a truck and dragged for 13.4 miles.
• On spring break in Cancun, Gross gets picked to be on an MTV show about wild spring breakers. He ends up on the Real World: Miami instead.
• A few months ago, during McDonald’s Monopoly game, Gross found all three green pieces, Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Pacific, winning a free car! As he pulled off the lot he ran into a tractor trailer carrying frozen Burger King patties, totaling his new ride.
• Two weeks ago Gabe was specially selected online to get a FREE IPHONE, he followed the links for 2 1/2 hours until his computer was infected with 13 different viruses and then spontaneously started sputtering and smoking. No Iphone was ever delivered to him.