Archive for the 'Douches' Category

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19
Jun
08

The Nationals Hate My Rippling Pecs

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , ,

The Washington Nationals have apparently been cracking down on topless fans at baseball games. Unlike topless soccer, which is wholly encouraged in Europe, topless baseball apparently is not the image that the nation’s capital team wants to present.

“We bought a few beers for $7.50 each, and kicked back to enjoy the game,” wrote Benjamin Correia, to the Washington Post, “Around the third inning, a ballpark employee informed me and a friend that we would have to put our shirts back on.”According to the Nationals, this is just part of their policy opposing any indecent exposure.

I wholly applaud this policy. Now, as someone who has a physique that is just simply marvelous–I get stopped constantly by women and even some men who just want to behold the splendor that is my chest. My abs are used by my friends to grate cheese, my pecs have led many art critics to cry due to their beauty, etc etc–I am so glad to see the Nationals crack down on those men who have been taking their shirts off in public and simply shouldn’t be. I didn’t come to swill my $7.50 beer and be disgusted by sections of pale, flabby gentlemen. However, as someone who is totally jacked, I should be allowed to show my body off. When I take my shirt off women coo, children come up and ask if I’m Superman and a flock of doves often fly alongside me, providing a cooling fan action with their wings.

Chubbers and guys who are so pale that they are translucent could easily screw up the batter’s eye, and they should be silenced (clothed.) For the Washington Nationals, who have dedicated this season to the lost art of finishing 70-92, I can totally understand their focus on this terrible plague upon their new stadium. Normal men without their shirts are horrendous, as a demi-god, that fortunately isn’t my fate. So, to the Nationals I stand up and cheer. Why worry about the product on the field, after all, there are MUCH more important issues going on out in the bleachers! But be careful too, we’ve also seen the hoopla that can surround the shirts that people DO choose to wear to games as well…

17
Jun
08

President Bush Has a Basketball Jones

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Basketball, Douches and Poor Governing
Tags: , , , ,

President Bush was in Belfast the other day and showed off his basketball prowess which is roughly equivalent to his ability as a world leader. Check out how he tosses the ball to the kids, that’s some coordination there… sigh, only 6 more months. 6 more months…

11
Jun
08

TJ Simers is Where the LA Times Keeps the Douches

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Basketball, Boston and Douches
Tags: , , , , ,

T.J. Simers is a columnist for the Los Angeles Times sports section who gets paid to bloviate, and so I can understand why he’d get angry when other people do it for free and are better at it than he is. That said, his column today is in reference to Curt Schilling who wrote a post on his blog, 38Pitches, about his experience sitting courtside next to the Lakers bench at game 2. TJ though didn’t take too kindly to Schilling’s admittedly uninformed statements. Schilling’s main point was that he was completely astounded by the fact that Kobe was a petulant whiny little girl throughout the game, glaring angrily at his teammates and generally being the uber-douche that everyone claims him to be. Curt was surprised by how poor a teammate Kobe was being, particularly in contrast to the other members of the team.

I have no idea how the guys in the NBA play or do things like this, but I thought it was a fascinating bit of insight for me to watch someone in another sport who is in the position of a team leader and how he interacted with his team and teammates. Watching the other 11 guys, every time out it was high fives and “Hey nice work, let’s get after it” or something to that affect. He walked off the floor, obligatory skin contact on the high five, and sat on the bench stone faced or pissed off, the whole game.

That’s not exactly the work of a team leader is it? But TJ Simers doesn’t think that is a fair assessment at all, starting out his article with the words of a man who wants to cross the divide:

Curt Schilling is gutless.

He sits courtside in Boston for Game 2, eavesdropping on the Lakers’ bench — and how would he like someone listening to what they have to say in the Red Sox dugout, and then makes it appear on his blog, “38 Pitches,” that Kobe Bryant is some kind of jerk who berates his teammates.

Well, I have two things to say, regarding both of those statements.

  1. Does this look like a man who is “gutless?”

  2. Yeah, Kobe would never be a complete asshole to his teammates, that’s ridiculous!

So, that’s a good start to an article. I mean, both of your points are wrong, and you’ve resorted to cheap insults to boot. WOW! What expansive and beautiful writing! I’m sure the Los Angeles Times is overjoyed to have a man who can write such uplifting and carefully crafted phrases on the payroll. H.L Mencken would be glad to see that a strong newspaper tradition continues, especially in Los Angeles where television and film can so easily otherwise overshadow. Continue reading ‘TJ Simers is Where the LA Times Keeps the Douches’

11
Jun
08

The Bears LOVED Cedric Benson

By slanch 7 Comments
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , ,

Now former Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson has taken it upon himself to complete one of the most difficult DUI trifectas. A few weeks ago he was arrested for drunken and disorderly conduct, while driving a boat! (I always thought that was the only way in which one SHOULD drive a boat, but I digress.) Then he recently picked up the much easier and standard DUI for operating a car. Now, Benson just needs to get up in the air for a DUI for flying a plane and he will have completed arguably the hardest cycle to accomplish in sports.

That’s not the end of Benson’s story though. Even though he was released by the Bears a few days ago, he is likely to get picked up by some other team because he does have some game. But that’s not the interesting news about Benson today.cedric-benson-mug-shot-bigger

Jay Glazer a Fox Sports reporter was on Dan Patrick’s radio show and made a very interesting statment, you can listen to it here, saying “There was one guy on that team who those teammates never liked…Hell, one year they tried to hurt him to make sure Thomas Jones could be the starter…Guys would go right at him because there was a competition between him and Thomas…and the thought was to get the first round pick into the starting lineup and Thomas’ teammates didn’t want to see that happen.”

Wow. When your teammates are actively trying to hurt you and knock you out of the lineup it probably means you’re not the most popular fella on the team. This likely doesn’t portend well for the future of Benson. If the franchise that drafts you, gives you a multitude of chances, including dealing away Thomas Jones to give you the starting job but now completely gives up on you, and stories come out that your teammates hated you and went out on the field trying to hurt you, it probably means that finding the next place of work might be a little more difficult. I hear the Arena League is always looking for more players though…

10
Jun
08

The Rocket is Launched

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , , , ,

The hits keep coming against Roger Clemens; now a report in the Daily News says that Clemens was popping Viagra while he was playing and hid the pills in a GNC vitamin bottle to avoid suspicion or ridicule. Well done on that. Apparently, athletes have been popping Viagra as a performance enhancer because it:

  • “Helps build endurance, especially for athletes who compete at high altitudes
  • Delivers oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently
  • Counteracts the impotence that can be a side-effect of testosterone injections”

And here I thought it was just to keep your dick hard! It has so many other useful attributes! So this means that whenever you look back at any of Clemens’ starts the last few years, it is very likely he was out there on the mound sporting a boner. I have so many questions! For instance, most baseball players wear jock straps right, so was he packing a boner against a cup? Ouch! Was Clemens just walking around the clubhouse rocking his rocket? How long did Derek Jeter just stare at it and eagerly lick his lips? After a tough loss did Torre ever say to Clemens “Stay strong Rog, we’re all pulling for you?” Did he and Andy Pettite have Viagra parties together where they pop the pills and just hang out? At Clemens’ workout routines which were so “legendary,” was he doing squat thrusts with an engorged member?

To think, I once looked up to this man. Now he’s a philandering, syringe using, cheater who was walking around all the time with a chubby. Great. Sometimes I forget that a lot of baseball players are also d-bags. Quite the last few months for Clemens, eh? I wonder if he has ever thought he should have just done like Andy Pettite and admit a little and get away with the rest. Now since he has been so indignant and insisted on suing Brian McNamee, sleazy story after sleazy story has come out. From nailing underage girls to boner pills, the Rocket is really hitting every possible bad publicity story possible. Tonight at 11: Clemens sells crack to school kids!

Continue reading ‘The Rocket is Launched’

04
Jun
08

He Also Invented the 3 Point Shot and Dribbling

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Basketball and Douches
Tags: , , , , ,

Ronnie Craven is a man who likes to use Craigslist to find women for him to woo. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, except that he likes to pretend that he is a member of the front office staff of the Seattle Supersonics. “I am going to be honest with you. I don’t work for them,” Craven told a Seattle Post-Intelligencer reporter, “(The situation was) all brought on by an online dating thing. Craigslist. I lied to her. Does that mean I can go out there and represent the Sonics? No. Does that mean that I did it to get some (sex)? Absolutely.”

226cravenIt seems that Ronnie cravenly told his local paper about how he worked with the Sonics, even being featured in an article, and fine fact-checking that they did, no one ever realized that he was lying. To the woman he was dating, he told her that he was Jeff Turner, a former NBA player.

At other times Craven presented himself to friends and acquaintances as a longtime friend of Sonics GM Sam Presti, even claiming that he had served as a scout and as an assistant coach for several games this season. At the Seattle Athletic Club he told players in a pickup game that he was Todd Lichti, another former NBA player, of course, Lichti is only 6′ 4″ and Craven is 6′ 8″…

When the woman confronted Craven about his dishonesty, he immediately apologized, she said. “He said doesn’t know why he did it, yada, yada, yada. This guy really went above and beyond. I knew nothing about basketball and he said, ‘Great, because I hate talking about basketball and girls wanting to be with me just because I was a player.’ ” Craven admitted that he wasn’t Jeff Turner, but continued to insist that he had played 12 years in the NBA.

Craven proclaims that he never presented himself as a Sonics employee when interviewed by Jack Nikas, a Boston University student and reporter for the Somerville News who did the story on Craven. However, “according to Nikas, Craven walked into the newspaper’s office wearing a Sonics coaching shirt and told Nikas he was a coach and scout. He claimed he met Presti when the Sonics GM was a youth basketball player and tried recruiting Presti to Framingham State, a Division III school 25 miles west of Boston where Craven said he was the head coach.”

The Somerville story apparently was precipitated by emails that Craven’s former girlfriend believes he in fact sent to the newspaper, something which Craven denies. Ronnie Craven remains all class though, telling the Seattle P-I, “I’ll admit, it was a hoax. It was all a put-on. But somebody who I met on a dating site is trying to sabotage me. This is some broad that I lied to who said I did identity theft, (and) I am not going to know what hit me. There was no intimacy in the relationship. I never tapped her.”

I’m sure she’s very thankful for that. “To be honest with you, this whole thing has already taken its toll,” Craven continued, “I know my credibility doesn’t look so great right now. This is embarrassing for me. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I will say this is very, very disturbing.”

29
May
08

The Mariners Hate the Gays

By slanch 54 Comments
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , , , , ,

According to this article, Seattle has an approximately 12.9% gay population, second only to San Francisco, which makes this story even more ridiculous. Sirbrina Guerrero recently attended a game against the Red Sox at Safeco Field, intending to watch the Mariners continue in their struggle against success. Unfortunately she got a lot more heartache than is normal from a Mariners game.

It seems that Ms. Guerrero is a lesbian, and she attended the game with some friends and her lover, ALSO A LESBIAN! Horror! Even worse, she kissed her LESBIAN LOVER on the lips! The nerve of these people… This disgusting bit of information is not where the story ends though. That’s because a mother sitting behind them saw the two women kiss and was obviously horrified, so she dutifully and properly reported the incident to a security guard.

Siribrina Guerrero is out to convert the world to rampant lesbianism and must be stopped

“And he (the security guard) goes ‘there’s a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.’ And I said ‘well, we weren’t making out, but we were kissing and I’m not going to stop,'” said Guerrero. The security guard then said, “The mom doesn’t want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing.” Guerrero said, “So I said ‘well, I’m not going to stop, so you’ll have to kick me out. So he said ‘so I suggest you leave then.”‘

Who do these lesbians think they are? I mean, in a city where the gay population thrives, haven’t they done enough? I mean, this mother is clearly caring about her children, and the sheer difficulty in trying to explain to her overprotected douchebag kids that two women can be together and love one another and such is simply a burden that shouldn’t be placed upon a parent. After all, if her kids see two women kiss who knows what else it might lead to, maybe her son will become a GAY! That’s how it spreads after all, you see two lesbians kiss and then you get infected and then BAM one day you’re a homo.

This mother just came to the game to try and show her children the joy of America’s pastime but instead was treated to a filth show. I am horrified for her. No one expects to go to a baseball game and see people kissing, least of all the GAYS. We all know that it says somewhere in the Bible that you aren’t supposed to be gay–it makes Jesus and polar bears cry. And polar bears are endangered! I am obviously on the side of this heartbroken mother whose children now know that there exists a chance for them to be happy with whomever they might be attracted to, unlike their father who married their stupid dumb bitch of a mother to cover up his own gay urges; that’s why he is always going up to the attic to read those men’s fitness and muscle magazines in his “special” corner…

After Guerrero was spoken to by the security guard at the game, she went around and took pictures of other couples who kissed but were not reprimanded; those couples were all heterosexual. I’m sure that that mother would agree that Safeco was right in not reprimanding those couples, after all, those people are in LOVE and can get MARRIED and make BABIES, whereas lesbians only want to STEAL babies for their disgusting witch rituals that cause Lillith Fair concerts to spring forth from the ground.

I can only conclude that these two women were viciously making out, probably fingerblasting each other and using things like this while watching Jose Vidro struggle to hit a single.

I mean, because that would be offensive and worthy of being spoken to by security. But according to Guerrero when questioned if she and her date were acting lewd in any way that would have prompted such a firm response from the security guard, Guerrero said, “We were eating garlic fries. The last thing we wanted to do was make out with each other. Honestly, that’s what it was.”

Sure. Just another lesbian lie so they can join with the forces of Satan to try and take away the America that was promised to us all by Jesus. It makes me sad.

UPDATED

The guys over at withleather have done a little bit of investigation on my story and Sirbrina Guerrero is also going to be a contestant on the upcoming Tila Tequila “reality” dating show on MTV and is on the cover of some magazine here, although that doesn’t take away from the idiocy of the Safeco security guards.

27
May
08

MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , , , ,

Baseball is awesome, we’re agreed on this. However, MLB: you need to stop being a giant douchebag of a corporation. The latest example is a Little League in Tinley Park, Illinois that was recently sent a cease-and-desist letter threatening a lawsuit if the league didn’t remove all MLB team names from the uniforms of the kids. It seems that for MLB, the fact that these freeloading little kids wanted to have their team names be things like the Phillies or the Cubs is absolutely ridiculous. They should be paying MLB thousands of dollars instead, obviously!

For Dave Glenn, the man responsible for making the Tinley Park uniforms, this whole situation is ludicrous. “Does a league have a right to name a local team? Baseball is saying no. That’s flying in the face of 100 years of tradition. I go out of my way to make sure we use town names, so we make it clear this isn’t a major league jersey. Now we’re told we can’t even do that. What it boils down to is the interpretation of the trademark.”

In 1992 MLB as an enterprise made approximately $1.2 billion in profits, last year they made over $6 billion, so I can certainly understand the absolutely inherent need for such lucrative moneymaking machines like Little League to start paying thousands and thousands of dollars for licensing fees. I mean, Bud Selig did only make $14.5 million last year and he probably is in the midst of a making a certain part of his body something respectable, and that kind of work simply doesn’t come cheap.

“Soon it will be THIS big!”

TThere is simply no way that Bud can be kept in all his various pills and prescriptions unless these dastardly thieving little piss-ants are crushed. After all, who needs little kids to like baseball? I mean why would MLB want to attract little kids to become life-long fans of the game? That seems like a poor waste of resources. It seems like MLB is going out of their way to push kids away from the game and towards the NFL. All the playoff games go super late now, often not ending before midnight, during the week, which means that most kids can’t stay up and see them, thus taking the games that are on the biggest stage and making them completely inaccessible to the youngest subset of fans.

But who needs little kids? After all, MLB has record attendance figures, people aren’t staying away from the game, so to MLB the chance to screw some small-town folk is just a fine way to spend an afternoon. For the kids of Tinley Park though, now they can’t go up to bat pretending to be Derrek Lee or Carlos Quentin. They can’t stare down from the mound channeling their inner Cole Hamels or Jamie Moyer (god I hope little kids pretend to be Jamie Moyer). When they make a great diving stop they can’t imagine that for a moment they know what it feels like to be Asdrubal Cabrera.

A solution may have been found, according to Steve Bowles, the league president, “We can’t have a (Major League) team name or logo on the uniform unless we buy it from Majestic. When we did a cost comparison of what we had versus that, we can’t do it for the same price. We were going to look at college names, because the licensing [cost] is different. We looked at names like the Fighting Irish and the Trojans, etc. About a third of the parents really didn’t mind the college names.”

Continue reading ‘MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too’

23
May
08

Jeter, Keep it in your Pants

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Baseball, Douches and Hot Women
Tags: , , , ,

Derek Jeter is a well-renowned cocksman, he has bedded 6 of Maxim’s Hottest 100 Women, amongst his many other conquests (cough, cough Robinson Cano…) not to mention he is grossly overpaid and has made millions and millions of dollars as a professional baseball player and 4-time World Champion.

So, Derek, you’ve already had Jessica Alba, you’ve already had ScarJo, I beseech you, please stop stealing my fantasy women. The latest, is a rumor reported in the NY Post that he may be getting involved with Minka Kelly. For those of you not familiar with the uber-hot Minka, check out the photos below. Minka is one of the stars of Friday Night Lights, a show whose first season is one of the best things I have ever enjoyed on television, although the second season left a lot to be desired. However, that wasn’t Minka’s fault. Also, her Dad is Rick Dufay a former guitarist with Aerosmith, so that’s pretty cool too.

All I can do is hope that Jeter isn’t spreading his oats with her because he’s already despoiled too many of my dream women and I don’t know if I could take any more losses. Derek, you’ve had enough! Isn’t it enough that you have three Gold Glove awards and you are one of the worst fielding shortstops in the Majors? How many more trophies must you lock up? Leave Minka alone, because I’m pretty sure she’d be totally into me. I mean, she once dated John Mayer and he’s a total douchebag, and I’m a nice guy, so therefore she’d be down with me.

Call me!

And because why not, here are a slew of pictures of the future Mrs. Slanch after the jump.

(h/t to Big League Stew for the Jeter collage) Continue reading ‘Jeter, Keep it in your Pants’

14
May
08

Friends Don’t Let Steinbrenners Run Teams

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , ,

Baseball should institute a rule that upon the death of a team’s owner, the team must be sold. Sure, a family member could then opt to buy the team but it would not be a slam-dunk. Generally when people buy baseball teams, they do so with an intent to present the best product on the field and to win a championship, (nod, Sam Zell).

However, like most rich kids who inherit money, the people who generally inherit baseball teams squander them and become whiny and irrational. Take for instance Hank Steinbrenner who said recently, “The bottom line is that the team is not playing the way it is capable of playing. These players are being paid a lot of money and they had better decide for themselves to earn that money.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love the upcoming dysfunction that Hank will sow upon the Yankees. I of course want to see the Yankees fall apart and see their owner make his players’ lives miserable. As my friend Mattraw, a Yankees fan said, “All these years waiting for Steinbrenner to become senile, and now we’ve got to deal with another 40 years of his asshole son? Great.”

Hank Steinbrenner has this entitled bullshit attitude that is completely unwarranted. George Steinbrenner took his family’s struggling business and made it back into a success, and in the process earned himself a massive fortune. Hank Steinbrenner has done essentially nothing in life. He’s been a failure generally everywhere and while Hal, his brother has at least been marginally successful in horse racing, Hank has no real accomplishments to speak of. Now that his father is in poor health and has ceded control to his sons, Hank is the man in charge. So far, he’s managed to be a complete asshole. Nice!

The reason why I suggest baseball teams can’t be bequeathed is that for the initial owner, the team is everything, for George Steinbrenner he lived and died by the Yankees, he made them his team. For Hank, who is just a spoiled rich kid who has gotten his way throughout his life, he has done nothing to earn this position as owner. It seems that George Steinbrenner agrees because up until he divorced Steinbrenner’s daughter, Steve Swindal was the heir apparent, because he actually earned the right to become the owner of the team through experience, knowledge and dedication. After the divorce Hank and Hal became the heirs out of necessity, not merit.

The fact that Steinbrenner, who loves the Yankees franchise more than anyone would NOT want to give his team automatically to his sons says more than anything else. They were the last option and it has become pretty clear why.

Sure the O’Malley family ran the Dodgers generally well for over 50 years, but they are the exception rather than the rule. If baseball made a rule that after an owner dies the team be put up for sale it would be extremely radical, and dangerous possibly. But is having Hank Steinbrenner in control of the most famous franchise any better?

As far as I can tell, the only time that a team has been bequeathed and been run well was by this guy:

But they didn’t even win the game at the end! That said, Billy knew a shitload more about baseball than Hank ever will.

04
May
08

People Like Horseys More Than You

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Douches, Poor Governing, Pop Culture and Random
Tags: , , , , , , ,

At Saturday’s running of the Kentucky Derby the only filly in the race, Eight Belles valiantly raced to second place, but her near-victory was short-lived as in the process she broke both her front ankles and it became necessary to euthanize her on the track immediately. For those of you wondering why it was necessary to euthanize her because of her broken ankles, the answer is here. Of course, with such a popular event like the Kentucky Derby invariably a circus-like atmosphere can develop.

For example, the pre-race hullabaloo included making sure the Democrat candidates made their picks for the race. Barack Obama picked Big Brown, the favorite before the race, who did indeed go on to win. Hillary Clinton’s choice though was fellow filly Eight Belles. Not exactly the best omen for one’s campaign to present.

When the injury to Barbaro in 2006 occurred there was an outpouring of ridiculousness from all sorts of people across the world. Fan blogs, message boards, people sending gifts, and giant cards were just the beginning with the insane way people reacted, and overreacted to the accident that befell a horse. After all, in the end it is just a horse and this is no longer the 19th century and horses are unnecessary anymore except as rich guy status symbols. I love that these people who cared so much about Barbaro and somehow found inspiration or something in his attempts to recover could give a shit about actual people in the world. However, a horse that they never met, would never interact with, that could care less about you and your thoughts and that was the plaything of some rich people to prove how big their wallet-dicks are, was such a focal point in these crazy people’s clearly otherwise empty and pathetic lives.

Continue reading ‘People Like Horseys More Than You’

02
May
08

Jose Canseco No Longer is Encino Man

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Random
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Jose Canseco is a douche, we’ve established this, it seems though, that his bad luck continues to follow him. First he gets blackballed by baseball because he can’t hit a fastball or a breaking ball anymore and can’t play in the field, the NERVE! Now, in an attempt to qualify for US Weekly’s “Stars They’re Just Like Us” (using the term “star” very very very loosely) Jose admitted that his Encino home was foreclosed upon.

It seems that Jose’s manse, which admittedly seems quite nice, with its 7000 square feet and stylish front door design, has over $2.5 million owed on it. What the Surreal Life money didn’t cover that?

“I’ve been out of the game for about eight or nine years and obviously this [is an] issue with the foreclosure on my home,” he told “Inside Edition”.

“I do have a judgment on my home and it to me is very strange because it didn’t make financial sense for me to keep paying a mortgage on a home that was basically owned by someone else,” he said.

How very astute and responsible of Jose. Fortunately, he’s not actually homeless like most people would be after having their home foreclosed on, but he ain’t doing great neither. Canseco said much of the money he earned from playing ball went to pay for his divorces. “I had a couple of divorces that cost me $7 or $8 million.” Yowzers. Then again, if I had to be married to a ‘roid using, tiny dicked Jose Canseco I too would clean him out in a divorce.

Now to clarify, I don’t HATE Jose, I just think he’s a scumbag. In his first book, “Juiced,” I appreciated and believed the things he wrote about the various players who used steroids. And he was vindicated when other evidence came out about those players, but then Jose’s humongous ego came back into play. At that point it became about how baseball kicked him out for telling the truth, (not because he simply wasn’t good enough without the steroids and that his body was breaking down and his reaction time was non-existent) and about how Jose believed himself to somehow be the rescuer of baseball on some giant white stallion.

With “Vindicated” he seems to simply be making up stories for the sole purpose of selling books. That’s fine, but that’s called fiction, and he shouldn’t pretend he’s doing otherwise.

However, I am glad about this story about his home. Not so much because he lost his house because as toolsy as he is, that still is a major jones, but, more because I found out that Jose used to live in Encino.

It makes so much sense now! Jose is really just a caveman found and unfrozen by Paulie Shore and Sean Astin and who ended up becoming a baseball player! I can’t believe it has taken us this long to realize. Much like how “Vindicated” is fiction, Encino Man is cinema verité!

=

The truth comes out at last!

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