The Slanch Report

The hits keep coming against Roger Clemens; now a report in the Daily News says that Clemens was popping Viagra while he was playing and hid the pills in a GNC vitamin bottle to avoid suspicion or ridicule. Well done on that. Apparently, athletes have been popping Viagra as a performance enhancer because it:

• “Helps build endurance, especially for athletes who compete at high altitudes
• Delivers oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently
• Counteracts the impotence that can be a side-effect of testosterone injections”

And here I thought it was just to keep your dick hard! It has so many other useful attributes! So this means that whenever you look back at any of Clemens’ starts the last few years, it is very likely he was out there on the mound sporting a boner. I have so many questions! For instance, most baseball players wear jock straps right, so was he packing a boner against a cup? Ouch! Was Clemens just walking around the clubhouse rocking his rocket? How long did Derek Jeter just stare at it and eagerly lick his lips? After a tough loss did Torre ever say to Clemens “Stay strong Rog, we’re all pulling for you?” Did he and Andy Pettite have Viagra parties together where they pop the pills and just hang out? At Clemens’ workout routines which were so “legendary,” was he doing squat thrusts with an engorged member?

To think, I once looked up to this man. Now he’s a philandering, syringe using, cheater who was walking around all the time with a chubby. Great. Sometimes I forget that a lot of baseball players are also d-bags. Quite the last few months for Clemens, eh? I wonder if he has ever thought he should have just done like Andy Pettite and admit a little and get away with the rest. Now since he has been so indignant and insisted on suing Brian McNamee, sleazy story after sleazy story has come out. From nailing underage girls to boner pills, the Rocket is really hitting every possible bad publicity story possible. Tonight at 11: Clemens sells crack to school kids!

I find it amazing that this guy, who up until the Mitchell Report was regarded as the greatest pitcher of his generation, if not all-time, is now being completely ostracized and had his entire reputation irreparably demolished. I mean, I’ve thought Clemens was a scumbag since he went to Toronto but these last few months have taken him to a whole new level. Anything could be next–Clemens running an illegal puppy-killing operation? Sure, I’ll buy it. Clemens flies to Thailand every off-season to have wild orgies with 12 year olds to “keep him young?” I’d believe it. Clemens seen slinking away from the WTC early in the morning of 9/11 with a detonator and a manic look in his eyes? How can I not believe it?

It’s amazing to think, but baseball’s Hall of Fame may never admit the man with the most hits of all-time, the home run leader and a “man” who has won more Cy Youngs than anyone else in history. That’s pretty astonishing. It’s also pretty depressing. It also simply astounds me that Bud Selig, who presided over the steroids era and did nothing is able to get off so lightly (maybe HE should be taking the Viagra! ZING! Yes!) and keep earning $14 million a year despite the reputation of the game and its players being forever marred. I mean, there is an entire generation of players and stats that we simply cannot trust. That’s awful. Of course, at the same time, Bud has made the other owners an absolute shitload of cash. For the owners, that’s clearly all that ever matters.
Also, I never knew that there was also a way to inject one’s self with liquid Viagra, I didn’t even know that EXISTED! Think of all the women at discotheques I could have been entertaining!

[h/t Sox Nation for the pic]