Posts Tagged ‘Andy Pettite

23
Sep
08

Who Will Cry for Roger Clemens

Poor Roger Clemens, first he gets outed for his use of HGH and steroids in the Mitchell Report, then he further destroys his reputation by starting a defamation suit against Brian McNamee where details about Clemens’ alleged affair with a 15 year old girl come out and a host of other embarrassing and lurid details. Now, Clemens’ reputation is completely in the toilet, a man who should be honored as the best living pitcher is relegated to the outskirts because of his own illegal actions and no one wants to acknowledge him. Fast forward to Sunday’s fellating of Yankee Stadium and the honoring of the greatest Yankees at each position and no mention of the Cy Young garnering, 2 World Series winning Rocket. Alas!

According to today’s NY Post, sitting in his hurricane ravaged home, watching a battery operated TV and holding hands with his wife and mother-in-law, Clemens was “heartbroken” when he wasn’t even mentioned at all.

“Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken,” said Clemens’ mother-in-law Jan Wild. “Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him.”

Chuck Knoblauch, Andy Pettite and Jason Giambi all of whom were ALSO mentioned in the Mitchell Report were given their due at the close of the stadium but apparently Clemens was too much for the Yankees fans sensibilities. Instead he’s left holding hands with some old lady in possibly the saddest way possible. Also Joe Torre, who only took the team to 6 World Series and won 4 of them as well as making the playoffs every year he was in NYC didn’t even earn a mention either. Did he do steroids too? Do the Steinbrenners just really hate people who are anti-beating kids?

Regardless, Clemens was sad and that’s unfortunate. Well, not really. He’s a fat scumbag. But at least his mother-in-law still believes him when he says he never did steroids, so at least ONE person in America believes him.

10
Jun
08

The Rocket is Launched

The hits keep coming against Roger Clemens; now a report in the Daily News says that Clemens was popping Viagra while he was playing and hid the pills in a GNC vitamin bottle to avoid suspicion or ridicule. Well done on that. Apparently, athletes have been popping Viagra as a performance enhancer because it:

  • “Helps build endurance, especially for athletes who compete at high altitudes
  • Delivers oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently
  • Counteracts the impotence that can be a side-effect of testosterone injections”

And here I thought it was just to keep your dick hard! It has so many other useful attributes! So this means that whenever you look back at any of Clemens’ starts the last few years, it is very likely he was out there on the mound sporting a boner. I have so many questions! For instance, most baseball players wear jock straps right, so was he packing a boner against a cup? Ouch! Was Clemens just walking around the clubhouse rocking his rocket? How long did Derek Jeter just stare at it and eagerly lick his lips? After a tough loss did Torre ever say to Clemens “Stay strong Rog, we’re all pulling for you?” Did he and Andy Pettite have Viagra parties together where they pop the pills and just hang out? At Clemens’ workout routines which were so “legendary,” was he doing squat thrusts with an engorged member?

To think, I once looked up to this man. Now he’s a philandering, syringe using, cheater who was walking around all the time with a chubby. Great. Sometimes I forget that a lot of baseball players are also d-bags. Quite the last few months for Clemens, eh? I wonder if he has ever thought he should have just done like Andy Pettite and admit a little and get away with the rest. Now since he has been so indignant and insisted on suing Brian McNamee, sleazy story after sleazy story has come out. From nailing underage girls to boner pills, the Rocket is really hitting every possible bad publicity story possible. Tonight at 11: Clemens sells crack to school kids!

Continue reading ‘The Rocket is Launched’

09
Jun
08

More Doppelganger fun!

My last doppelgangers post was well-received, and fun to do, and so, with some reader suggestions from Theroomate and Myummers and some of my own, here are several more doppelgangers for you to enjoy. I’ve decided also that since I enjoy these I’m going to set up a permanent page at the top of the screen with all of the doppelgangers we come up with. So any suggestions or whatever send me a note and I’ll get ’em up right away. Anyhoo, enjoy!

Mike Lowell looks like he should be wearing a tuxedo at all times because he’s totally debonair, George Clooney gets to wear those tuxes and with their salt and pepper beards and hair it’s just possible that they are brothers…

Nothing strikes more fear in the hearts of the residents of Elm Street more than Freddy Krueger, Red Sox fans for the last few years have known that exact same feeling of abject terror every time the bullpen door swung open for Julian Tavarez. Fortunately, now he has been banished to the wasteland known as Brewer’s baseball and Freddy went into space to fight Jason and hasn’t been heard from since…

Nothing beats the smooth taste and flavor of Camel cigarettes, at least according to the many advertisements from the cigarette company. Andy Pettite smoothly deflected the fact that he is a a cheating, needle-using pitcher and has been accepted widely back into the fold of the Yankees without much comment.

David Ortiz makes all of Red Sox nation happy with his clutch heroics and huge smile. Shrek was an ogre with a big heart and delights children of all ages. Dreamworks definitely used Ortiz as the model.

True story: these three men have never been in the same place at the same time. We should all be thankful that Geoff Jenkins of the Phillies, Green Bay “retiree” Brett Favre and actor Max Martini of The Unit (not watching it? You really should) have all chosen to divide the country in thirds, Jenkins gets the east coast, Farve the middle and Martini the west, otherwise who knows what could happen.

Sure, Andrew Shue is less known for his “acting” abilities or his brief career as a professional soccer player and more known for his delectable sister, Elizabeth Shue, but he can always take solace in being mistaken on the street for either Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina or Cardinals third baseman Troy Glaus. They’ve both been All-Stars! (Although don’t expect to see them on any future All-Star teams)

Rajon Rondo is a crafty hoopster, he loves to slice through the defense, drive towards the basket and then dish the ball back out to someone who can actually shoot the ball. Ants love to make holes and go through them in order to eat that entire box of oreos that I was saving but then forgot about and now are ruined. Antz was a movie.

Lance Berkman began 2008 on a torrid pace, spraying hits and homers all over the field. Tony Stewart is one of the top drivers in Nascar and when he wins he gets to spray–bukkake style–beer or champagne or milk all over his pit crew. Seems fair to me.

Being stuck on an island with Gilligan couldn’t have been easy. The more important question is if Gilligan was so useless and frustrating to the Skipper, why was he the only crewman he had? Charlie Manuel manages the Phillies, has one of the best giant guts in baseball and a fiery personality.




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