The Nationals Hate My Rippling Pecs

The Washington Nationals have apparently been cracking down on topless fans at baseball games. Unlike topless soccer, which is wholly encouraged in Europe, topless baseball apparently is not the image that the nation’s capital team wants to present.

“We bought a few beers for $7.50 each, and kicked back to enjoy the game,” wrote Benjamin Correia, to the Washington Post, “Around the third inning, a ballpark employee informed me and a friend that we would have to put our shirts back on.”According to the Nationals, this is just part of their policy opposing any indecent exposure.

I wholly applaud this policy. Now, as someone who has a physique that is just simply marvelous–I get stopped constantly by women and even some men who just want to behold the splendor that is my chest. My abs are used by my friends to grate cheese, my pecs have led many art critics to cry due to their beauty, etc etc–I am so glad to see the Nationals crack down on those men who have been taking their shirts off in public and simply shouldn’t be. I didn’t come to swill my $7.50 beer and be disgusted by sections of pale, flabby gentlemen. However, as someone who is totally jacked, I should be allowed to show my body off. When I take my shirt off women coo, children come up and ask if I’m Superman and a flock of doves often fly alongside me, providing a cooling fan action with their wings.

Chubbers and guys who are so pale that they are translucent could easily screw up the batter’s eye, and they should be silenced (clothed.) For the Washington Nationals, who have dedicated this season to the lost art of finishing 70-92, I can totally understand their focus on this terrible plague upon their new stadium. Normal men without their shirts are horrendous, as a demi-god, that fortunately isn’t my fate. So, to the Nationals I stand up and cheer. Why worry about the product on the field, after all, there are MUCH more important issues going on out in the bleachers! But be careful too, we’ve also seen the hoopla that can surround the shirts that people DO choose to wear to games as well…

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