Posts Tagged ‘Bud Selig

02
Sep
09

A Dumbo-Ear Sized Doppelganger

Appointed by his fellow owners to be Commissioner of Baseball, Bud Selig, America’s most successful used car salesman, has seen baseball’s revenues soar, attendance rise and has presided over an entire era of tainted numbers that he still has yet to apologize for. Had Selig stood stronger or done ANYTHING, we might not look back at the last 15-20 years of baseball as filled with cheaters. Of course, he needed the home run hitters to be prolific to cover up the mess that was the lockout and canceling of the World Series in 1994…Stephen Hawking is considered by many to be the smartest man in the world, quite the lofty position. When not figuring out complicated theoretical physics problems, Hawking is macking it on the ladies. After he and his first wife split up, he married his nurse, who happened to be the former wife of the man who created his first talking computer. Talk about SMOOTH! My man Hawking has got GAME! I say these two are near dead-ringers for doppelgangers, right down to the abnormally large ears.

Make sure to VOTE in the poll below and then to visit the permanent Doppelgangers page to enjoy the many others we’ve assembled.

SeligHawking

12
Feb
09

Selig Contemplates Punishing A-Rod Retroactively

Far be it from me to actually accuse Bud Selig of doing something wrong, but when I read things like this from ESPN, I start thinking that Bud isn’t the wisest wizard…

Commissioner Bud Selig is considering his options. While Rodriguez can’t be disciplined for testing positive, it’s possible baseball could try to punish him for acknowledging steroid use from 2001-2003.

Selig told USA Today on Wednesday afternoon that he is “just heartsick” about Rodriguez’s admission and would not rule out punishing him or adjusting baseball’s record book. Selig told USA Today he “had put a bulletin out” about the illegality of steroid use in 1997, even though MLB had no drug testing at that time.

“It was against the law, so I would have to think about that,” Selig told USA Today when asked about possible action against Rodriguez. “It’s very hard. I’ve got to think about all that kind of stuff.”

Sure, it was against the law, but until MLB starts suspending players for their DUIs or hitting their wives or other crimes, you can’t just pick and choose which laws are suspension-worthy offenses. But it’s nice that Bud is “heartsick,” not enough to have done anything about the rampant steroids problems in the 90s when he could have avoided incidents like this, but still, it’s good to know he at least has a heart. I always just assumed there was an empty black hole in the middle of his chest.

While I have been incredibly impressed with the manner in which the MLB network has approached the A-Rod news, MLB itself has been woefully inept in handling this situation. Bud Selig has presided over a period of baseball with RAMPANT cheating and did nothing to stop it, while in the process increasing baseball’s revenues and lining his own pockets with an exorbitant salary. Just as A-Rod would never have come forward and admitted his transgressions if the SI story never existed, Bud would happily just ignore everything that happened under his reign with steroids, except Congress and the newspapers love to keep bringing it up. Unfortunately for Bud, now the greatest home run hitter of all-time, one of the greatest pitchers of all-time and the best current player in baseball are all associated with steroids and cheating and all of it happened under his watch. But sure, let’s start punishing players arbitrarily now, particularly for testing positive on a test that was collectively bargained to be non-punitive. Good luck with that.

10
Jun
08

The Rocket is Launched

The hits keep coming against Roger Clemens; now a report in the Daily News says that Clemens was popping Viagra while he was playing and hid the pills in a GNC vitamin bottle to avoid suspicion or ridicule. Well done on that. Apparently, athletes have been popping Viagra as a performance enhancer because it:

  • “Helps build endurance, especially for athletes who compete at high altitudes
  • Delivers oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently
  • Counteracts the impotence that can be a side-effect of testosterone injections”

And here I thought it was just to keep your dick hard! It has so many other useful attributes! So this means that whenever you look back at any of Clemens’ starts the last few years, it is very likely he was out there on the mound sporting a boner. I have so many questions! For instance, most baseball players wear jock straps right, so was he packing a boner against a cup? Ouch! Was Clemens just walking around the clubhouse rocking his rocket? How long did Derek Jeter just stare at it and eagerly lick his lips? After a tough loss did Torre ever say to Clemens “Stay strong Rog, we’re all pulling for you?” Did he and Andy Pettite have Viagra parties together where they pop the pills and just hang out? At Clemens’ workout routines which were so “legendary,” was he doing squat thrusts with an engorged member?

To think, I once looked up to this man. Now he’s a philandering, syringe using, cheater who was walking around all the time with a chubby. Great. Sometimes I forget that a lot of baseball players are also d-bags. Quite the last few months for Clemens, eh? I wonder if he has ever thought he should have just done like Andy Pettite and admit a little and get away with the rest. Now since he has been so indignant and insisted on suing Brian McNamee, sleazy story after sleazy story has come out. From nailing underage girls to boner pills, the Rocket is really hitting every possible bad publicity story possible. Tonight at 11: Clemens sells crack to school kids!

Continue reading ‘The Rocket is Launched’

05
Jun
08

Some Thoughts About the MLB Draft

It’s early in the MLB draft and I’ll have semi-liveblogging updates throughout the draft as things come up:

Continue reading ‘Some Thoughts About the MLB Draft’

27
May
08

MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too

Baseball is awesome, we’re agreed on this. However, MLB: you need to stop being a giant douchebag of a corporation. The latest example is a Little League in Tinley Park, Illinois that was recently sent a cease-and-desist letter threatening a lawsuit if the league didn’t remove all MLB team names from the uniforms of the kids. It seems that for MLB, the fact that these freeloading little kids wanted to have their team names be things like the Phillies or the Cubs is absolutely ridiculous. They should be paying MLB thousands of dollars instead, obviously!

For Dave Glenn, the man responsible for making the Tinley Park uniforms, this whole situation is ludicrous. “Does a league have a right to name a local team? Baseball is saying no. That’s flying in the face of 100 years of tradition. I go out of my way to make sure we use town names, so we make it clear this isn’t a major league jersey. Now we’re told we can’t even do that. What it boils down to is the interpretation of the trademark.”

In 1992 MLB as an enterprise made approximately $1.2 billion in profits, last year they made over $6 billion, so I can certainly understand the absolutely inherent need for such lucrative moneymaking machines like Little League to start paying thousands and thousands of dollars for licensing fees. I mean, Bud Selig did only make $14.5 million last year and he probably is in the midst of a making a certain part of his body something respectable, and that kind of work simply doesn’t come cheap.

“Soon it will be THIS big!”

TThere is simply no way that Bud can be kept in all his various pills and prescriptions unless these dastardly thieving little piss-ants are crushed. After all, who needs little kids to like baseball? I mean why would MLB want to attract little kids to become life-long fans of the game? That seems like a poor waste of resources. It seems like MLB is going out of their way to push kids away from the game and towards the NFL. All the playoff games go super late now, often not ending before midnight, during the week, which means that most kids can’t stay up and see them, thus taking the games that are on the biggest stage and making them completely inaccessible to the youngest subset of fans.

But who needs little kids? After all, MLB has record attendance figures, people aren’t staying away from the game, so to MLB the chance to screw some small-town folk is just a fine way to spend an afternoon. For the kids of Tinley Park though, now they can’t go up to bat pretending to be Derrek Lee or Carlos Quentin. They can’t stare down from the mound channeling their inner Cole Hamels or Jamie Moyer (god I hope little kids pretend to be Jamie Moyer). When they make a great diving stop they can’t imagine that for a moment they know what it feels like to be Asdrubal Cabrera.

A solution may have been found, according to Steve Bowles, the league president, “We can’t have a (Major League) team name or logo on the uniform unless we buy it from Majestic. When we did a cost comparison of what we had versus that, we can’t do it for the same price. We were going to look at college names, because the licensing [cost] is different. We looked at names like the Fighting Irish and the Trojans, etc. About a third of the parents really didn’t mind the college names.”

Continue reading ‘MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too’

07
May
08

Blow Up the White Sox!

For the Chicago White Sox, losers of 7 of their last 10 games, anything that can get them out of their current slump is welcome. For manager Ozzie Guillen, a man for whom decorum is alien, there could only be one thing to help the team and awake their bats.

On Sunday, the bats were circled around the two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat shoved up its pooper to prop it up. Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying “Let’s Go White Sox” and the other reading “You’ve Got to Push.” Clearly Ozzie has gone to the Lou Brown school of managing, although, if you’ll recall, in Major League, they used a naked picture of their owner who was conspiring against them to bring their team together. I’m not so sure anonymous plastic dolls serve the same goal.

Of course, as soon as the news of these dolls broke, outcry immediately followed. Do not worry though, as Ozzie Guillen is very sensitive to these complaints and handled them in a very proper and mature (pronounced mah-toor) manner, saying

Everyone in the clubhouse, 100 percent of the people in the clubhouse, they are 18 years old and that’s a private thing. If the players do it in the dugout so everyone in the public could see it, or did it in the hotel lobby . . . we did it in the clubhouse. A lot of worse things happen in the clubhouse. I don’t really know why people are making it a big deal. If people got their feelings hurt because of that . . . they don’t really know much about baseball.

I couldn’t agree more. After all, I remember how Ty Cobb before every game penetrated a newsprint standup from the Sears catalogues. That’s baseball.

The White Sox have been looking around for anything to help their team, on Saturday for example they shaved the head of one of the coaches. So far no luck. If by the end of the week their slump continues the team may start shaving all their body hair. That’s baseball. Sox spokesman Scott Reifert said. “In terms of taste I think people would find it tasteless. They were just trying to get the bats going. Reifert addedthat players have “burned bats, kissed bats, slept with their bats, blessed their bats, you name it.”

Have they thought about signing this guy?

I mean, if they are really trying to get out of a slump, I can only imagine that Jobu would be a help.

A women’s sportswriters group was not amused though, claiming it made for an uncomfortable atmosphere for female reporters in the lockerroom. That very well may be, but Ozzie doesn’t truck with that, or care. “Well, whoever did it spent a lot of money…The clubhouse has been quiet the last couple days and I don’t like to see that. We have to stay at the same level of enthusiasm, no matter what happens.” What is most interesting to me, is that Ozzie’s concern was the money outlayed. He’s right, blow up dolls can be pretty pricey, especially for a high-quality one with realistic hair and synthetic skin, and really, if you’re trying to bust out of a slump, you got to go for the best.

Yesterday, Kenny Williams, the GM was admonished by Bud Selig and responded by saying, “I will assure Major League Baseball that the doll was not violated in any way, shape or form. In all seriousness, it is a little bit of a disappointment because we have proactively tried to — and just did so this spring training — organizationally, we brought in some people to discuss a better work environment, whether it’s gender issues or racial issues.” Clearly those discussions really changed some players’ mindsets.

According to rumors, Nick Swisher may have been the one behind the dolls, when asked if he regretted the move, Swisher rtetorted: “Why are you saying I did it?” Later, he added: “It was totally meant in a fun way. … It probably was wrong, but if anybody was offended by it, we sincerely apologize.” Hmm…Methinks these kinds of things would never have been a problem in Oakland…But then, that’s baseball.

The only remaining question is, who took the dolls, I mean, I can’t imagine that they were just tossed out into the trash, someone took those home, and someone is going to use them. I’d keep a close eye on the players who perform extra well in the next few days and I think we can unequivocally determine that that man is a doll fucker.

So, Gavin Floyd, who nearly pitched a no-hitter last night, you’re officially on notice.




Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!
SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!

June 2019
M T W T F S S
« Jan    
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Categories