Posts Tagged ‘Roger Clemens

13
Mar
09

The New Rocket?

Everyone is talking about Jonathan Papelbon’s interview in Esquire where he calls Manny Ramirez a “cancer,” I for one, could care less. However, there was one small throw-away tidbit in the article I found particularly interesting. Since he left the team in 1996, Roger Clemens’ number “21” hasn’t been worn by a Red Sox player, but when the Sox were planning on reconverting Papelbon to a starter for the 2007 season “They…offered him the number 21, Roger Clemens’s old number, because they thought the favorable comparison might help Papelbon take to the idea. But the role didn’t sit right with him, and neither did the number.”

I like the Sox’ thinking here, it’s an interesting inspirational idea, but I also like Papelbon’s insistence on forging his own path, the “58” he wears was a random assignment, one he is turning into it’s own legendary number. Paps is building his own legacy, he doesn’t need to pick up on Clemens’.

[Esquire]

29
Jan
09

Roger Clemens’ Balls of Fury

So everyone is harping on Joe Torre’s book and that Yankee players called Alex Rodriguez, A-Fraud to which I have only this to say, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRING.” However, lost amid the hubbub was this bit of reporting that Tom Verducci, Torre’s co-writer, dug up about Roger Clemens.

It seems that Clemens’ had quite the pre-game ritual. For example, before game 2 of the 2000 World Series, Clemens would get into the hot tub at the hottest temperature possible, coming out looking like a lobster. Then it gets weird.

Then [Yankees trainer Steve] Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles.

“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

Uh.

Um…

Roge, you made another man rub liniment on your balls before you pitched? No wonder he was so pumped for the game. It wasn’t steroids it was just his testicles being on fire!

I’m actually just impressed that the trainer was able to FIND Clemens’ tiny balls enough to rub ointment on them in the first place.

I have to imagine that the first time Clemens approached the trainer asking him to rub ben-gay on Clemens’ balls was quite the banner moment for that trainer…

[Fan IQ]

23
Sep
08

Who Will Cry for Roger Clemens

Poor Roger Clemens, first he gets outed for his use of HGH and steroids in the Mitchell Report, then he further destroys his reputation by starting a defamation suit against Brian McNamee where details about Clemens’ alleged affair with a 15 year old girl come out and a host of other embarrassing and lurid details. Now, Clemens’ reputation is completely in the toilet, a man who should be honored as the best living pitcher is relegated to the outskirts because of his own illegal actions and no one wants to acknowledge him. Fast forward to Sunday’s fellating of Yankee Stadium and the honoring of the greatest Yankees at each position and no mention of the Cy Young garnering, 2 World Series winning Rocket. Alas!

According to today’s NY Post, sitting in his hurricane ravaged home, watching a battery operated TV and holding hands with his wife and mother-in-law, Clemens was “heartbroken” when he wasn’t even mentioned at all.

“Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken,” said Clemens’ mother-in-law Jan Wild. “Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him.”

Chuck Knoblauch, Andy Pettite and Jason Giambi all of whom were ALSO mentioned in the Mitchell Report were given their due at the close of the stadium but apparently Clemens was too much for the Yankees fans sensibilities. Instead he’s left holding hands with some old lady in possibly the saddest way possible. Also Joe Torre, who only took the team to 6 World Series and won 4 of them as well as making the playoffs every year he was in NYC didn’t even earn a mention either. Did he do steroids too? Do the Steinbrenners just really hate people who are anti-beating kids?

Regardless, Clemens was sad and that’s unfortunate. Well, not really. He’s a fat scumbag. But at least his mother-in-law still believes him when he says he never did steroids, so at least ONE person in America believes him.

10
Jun
08

The Rocket is Launched

The hits keep coming against Roger Clemens; now a report in the Daily News says that Clemens was popping Viagra while he was playing and hid the pills in a GNC vitamin bottle to avoid suspicion or ridicule. Well done on that. Apparently, athletes have been popping Viagra as a performance enhancer because it:

  • “Helps build endurance, especially for athletes who compete at high altitudes
  • Delivers oxygen, nutrients and performance-enhancing drugs to muscles more efficiently
  • Counteracts the impotence that can be a side-effect of testosterone injections”

And here I thought it was just to keep your dick hard! It has so many other useful attributes! So this means that whenever you look back at any of Clemens’ starts the last few years, it is very likely he was out there on the mound sporting a boner. I have so many questions! For instance, most baseball players wear jock straps right, so was he packing a boner against a cup? Ouch! Was Clemens just walking around the clubhouse rocking his rocket? How long did Derek Jeter just stare at it and eagerly lick his lips? After a tough loss did Torre ever say to Clemens “Stay strong Rog, we’re all pulling for you?” Did he and Andy Pettite have Viagra parties together where they pop the pills and just hang out? At Clemens’ workout routines which were so “legendary,” was he doing squat thrusts with an engorged member?

To think, I once looked up to this man. Now he’s a philandering, syringe using, cheater who was walking around all the time with a chubby. Great. Sometimes I forget that a lot of baseball players are also d-bags. Quite the last few months for Clemens, eh? I wonder if he has ever thought he should have just done like Andy Pettite and admit a little and get away with the rest. Now since he has been so indignant and insisted on suing Brian McNamee, sleazy story after sleazy story has come out. From nailing underage girls to boner pills, the Rocket is really hitting every possible bad publicity story possible. Tonight at 11: Clemens sells crack to school kids!

Continue reading ‘The Rocket is Launched’

01
Apr
08

Why Doesn’t Jose Canseco Just Get Lost?

When his first book Juiced, came out, Jose Canseco was ultimately proved to have spoken the truth. When he named names they checked out as steroid users (including an off-hand mention of some 7 time Cy Young winner who is a fat greedy man.)

Now, Jose, desperate and with an ax to grind against MLB Jose proclaimed that Alex Rodriguez and Magglio Ordonez were two other players that he KNEW did steroids in his newest book, Vindicated.

However, if he were so sure, since he was personally involved, why did he wait until now to mention them? Were A-Rod and Maggs unknowns then? No, they were both big-name stars, who would have only helped sell his book even more than just the tales of shooting Mcgwire with steroids in a bathroom stall. So that’s the suspicious thing number 1.

Jose has unabashedly admitted that part of the reason he is writing the book is because he feels that he was unfairly blackballed from baseball because of his steroid past. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but as an industry that is trying to clean itself up, it is probably best not to keep hiring a player whose skills were eroding and whose negative media attention would only be a distraction. Joseph Hazelwood captained the Exxon Valdez into a reef, strangely, he was not seen as an eminently hire-able ship captain after that. Was that so unfair?

Continue reading ‘Why Doesn’t Jose Canseco Just Get Lost?’




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