The Slanch Report

At Saturday’s running of the Kentucky Derby the only filly in the race, Eight Belles valiantly raced to second place, but her near-victory was short-lived as in the process she broke both her front ankles and it became necessary to euthanize her on the track immediately. For those of you wondering why it was necessary to euthanize her because of her broken ankles, the answer is here. Of course, with such a popular event like the Kentucky Derby invariably a circus-like atmosphere can develop.

For example, the pre-race hullabaloo included making sure the Democrat candidates made their picks for the race. Barack Obama picked Big Brown, the favorite before the race, who did indeed go on to win. Hillary Clinton’s choice though was fellow filly Eight Belles. Not exactly the best omen for one’s campaign to present.

When the injury to Barbaro in 2006 occurred there was an outpouring of ridiculousness from all sorts of people across the world. Fan blogs, message boards, people sending gifts, and giant cards were just the beginning with the insane way people reacted, and overreacted to the accident that befell a horse. After all, in the end it is just a horse and this is no longer the 19th century and horses are unnecessary anymore except as rich guy status symbols. I love that these people who cared so much about Barbaro and somehow found inspiration or something in his attempts to recover could give a shit about actual people in the world. However, a horse that they never met, would never interact with, that could care less about you and your thoughts and that was the plaything of some rich people to prove how big their wallet-dicks are, was such a focal point in these crazy people’s clearly otherwise empty and pathetic lives.

So, with that memory still so fresh, you knew that there was no way this story wouldn’t become a giant non-story story that everyone will be hearing about for weeks. There are the people who try and just report the facts without making any real statement, like here, but of course, the batshit crazy people of the internet then post comments like this one, “This is a bad OMEN!!! For Hillary Clinton. This makes me vote for Obama.” Really? You’re going to base your vote for the Presidency, the single most powerful job in the world, based on the fate of a racehorse’s weak ankles? ADeaver, you shouldn’t be allowed to vote, the privilege of voting is undeserved by you. Why not choose your president based on the scores earned by Wheel of Fortune contestants or on which candidate prefers Waffle House over Bojangles? Or this winning comment from a woman named Rebekah,

Throughbreds should NOT be raced, the bones in their ankles are thin, but that is sadly what makes them race fast. Racing a Philly among the big guys, should be STOPPED. Anything for money, people make me sick, they love money more than there own horses!
Eight Belles is in heaven now with Barbaro and i hope the people that put her on that track miss her and realize its not all about money, what about the animal? When you love an animal, especially horses which are more intelligent than most people i know protect them and refuse to put them in harms way, you want money, work for it!
I owned a Quarter horse and he was my first love how much i miss him, he died 4 yrs ago and no other horse has my heart the way Cookie did.

Well, first of all, I agree with Rebekah, there is no way a Philly should be raced against male horses. I wholeheartedly agree that the Phillies are not to be raced on tracks. And as a Chase Utley owner in fantasy baseball, I sincerely hope that they leave him alone and let him do his thing on the diamond instead. But I digress, after all, Rebekah is one of these people who realize that women simply aren’t the same as men, and therefore should be kept completely separate from males. Very modern that Rebekah, and loyal to her sisters. I’ll ignore the utter bullshit about Barbaro and Eight Belles being in heaven, because, you know, that’s fucking insanity since you know, they’re horses! But maybe that’s just me. I too hope that the owners know that it isn’t about just the money, since horses ARE so intelligent. Rebekah knows too because she’s awful smart too, as evidenced by her mastery of English grammar and spelling. I have no doubt that most horses ARE smarter than the people she knows. In fact, I have zero doubt she is smarter than this horse here,

Of course, it wouldn’t be a completely ridiculous story unless PETA got involved too. So, they predictably sent off an inane letter to the Kentucky Racing Authority saying that the jockey was to blame for the horse’s weak ankles and that he should be punished. Apparently, “PETA faxed a letter Sunday to Kentucky’s racing authority claiming the filly was ‘doubtlessly injured before the finish.'” You know, because they could totally tell since they totally saw a recap of the video on the 6 o’clock news.

‘What we really want to know, did he feel anything along the way?” PETA bullshit spouter Kathy Guillermo said. “If he didn’t, then we can probably blame the fact that they’re allowed to whip the horses mercilessly.”

Sure, or maybe centuries of inbreeding and selective breeding to make these horses as fast as possible so people like this guy can wear silly suits and drink mint juleps. But no, you’re right, it probably was the 45 lb Panamanian guy instead. “The letter to the Kentucky Horse Racing Authority also sought a ban on whipping, limits on races and the age of racehorses, and a move to softer, artificial surfaces for all courses.”

Great, hey PETA, who gives a fuck? You know the only people who really strongly care about race horses? Degenerate gamblers and rich dudes, so stop pretending like you actually care and stop pretending like this is an actual issue that you need to get involved with. Why not focus on doing something for the millions of people who don’t have health insurance or the people of Katrina who still haven’t fully recovered. Oh that’s right, because humans don’t matter as much as rich people’s baubles. Swell. Remind me to stop and light these people on fire the next time they are in public.