Archive for December 7th, 2009

07
Dec
09

Get Out of Kris Humphries’ House

If you’re a rookie and looking to make a good impression in the NBA, take some helpful pointers from Dallas’ Kris Humphries who has thrown some ferocious blocks down already in this young season. The latest was in Friday’s contest against Memphis when Sam Young went up for a dunk only to be shot down by Humphries. Corralling the loose ball after the block, Young goes in AGAIN for a dunk and misses it AGAIN, with the ball falling to Humphries who was on the floor.

07
Dec
09

Smoking Kills (2 Grandmasters’ Chances in Tournament)

We all know the allure of smoking cigarettes, they make you look cooler, older, tougher, more popular, etc, but who knew that there are BAD things to them too! At the World Chess Cup in sunny Khanty Mansiysk, Russia, two Chinese grandmasters Wang Yue (left) and Li Chao, were disqualified from their third-round matches after showing up late. Their excuse? They were out back smoking.

Wang told an interviewer later that he understood the tournament’s decision but didn’t think it was particularly fair. The biggest victim of all was Li who only started smoking in order to keep Wang company during the tournament, which should be a lesson to all you potential smokers out there; if you’re going to start smoking make sure it’s for a good reason, like impressing cute older girls.

When he was asked if this incident would push Wang to quit smoking he had this response: “I don’t think so. After such a shock, you only think to take a long smoke.” Grandmaster indeed.

[NY Times]

07
Dec
09

US Curling Has Their Own Brand of Condoms — FINALLY!

With most Winter Olympics sports far below the radar of the general population, the various sporting organizations sometimes have to go to creative lengths to try and procure adequate funding, case in point, the US Curling team are selling their own specially branded condoms.

Called the “Hurry Hard condoms”, after a phrase that curlers constantly yell out to one another the idea came about when the team was trying to figure out ways to raise some cash for their team and someone joked about a hurry hard condom. Eventually everyone came around on the idea and the idea was fully germinated.

Proceeds for the condoms will be split between USA Curling and Central Coast HIV/AIDS Services with primary team sponsor Kodiak contributing some money into the fabrication of the special love coats.

“The platform that USA Curling can leverage is the Olympic exposure and excitement around the Olympics,” said Rick Patzke, USA Curling’s chief operating officer. “I’m sure it’ll bring more fodder for talk shows and things like that. But it will bring attention to the central message, which is safety and education and awareness for safer sex and HIV prevention.”

[CBC]

07
Dec
09

Someone Get Joey Porter a Stylist

For Joey Porter it’s a good thing that the Dolphins beat the Patriots yesterday because otherwise he would have looked like an even bigger douche. The first contest between these two teams featured plenty of jawing from Porter before the game, and then little from him DURING it. In fact he finished the day with no tackles, no sacks and nothing on the stat sheet, something the stadium scoreboard operators thought important enough to point out.

Where in the first game he was totally invisible, yesterday he actually contributed, sort of, finishing with 3 tackles and assisting on another one. After yesterday’s surprise win over the Patriots, Porter held court in the locker room with reporters and this time he was highly visible, if incredibly poorly dressed.

Hey Joey, guess what, you’re a well-paid professional football player, NOT a soldier. You want to be a soldier? Great, go sign up like Pat Tillman did. Otherwise, buy some normal clothes that help you not look like quite as much of an enormous douchenozzle. Also, last I checked, there’s not a whole lot of forests in the Miami area, so, what exactly are you trying to camouflage yourself from, I mean, I can still see you for the tool you are.

[Boston Globe]

07
Dec
09

Al Michaels — Master of the English Language

Jared Allen is a nearly unstoppable defensive force, we saw his power last week when he ran roughshod over whoever was put in place to block him. Allen wears number 69 because you know, being a middle schooler forever is important, was continuing to be disruptive during last night’s contest against the Cardinals and Al Michaels figured it was an opportune moment to teach the kids about mutual oral love.

I mean, he’s right, but it just seemed a weird thing to bring up in the middle of a football game. Must have been weighing on his mind or something…

Then, when EJ Henderson breaks his leg in a decently gruesome manner, Al who must not own a thesaurus can’t stop from saying break. Whether it’s an “unfortunate break” or a “rough break” or it’s time for a commercial and so NBC will take “a break,” it’s time for Al to learn some new words.

[Sports Rubbish]

07
Dec
09

Castro Wins an Election to Rule Over Baseball

In one of the most shocking results in the history of elections, Fidel Castro’s son won a position in the International Baseball Federation. Antonio Castro, 39, is a trained doctor who has accompanied the Cuban baseball team to various tournaments, including the World Baseball Classic and the Cubans’ exhibitions against the Orioles in 1999.

Japan’s Kazuhiro Tawa and Mexico’s Alonso Perez were also elected and Ricardo Fraccari of Italy was chosen as the new president for the IBAF.

Responsible for overseeing all baseball outside the majors, the Cuban Sports Institute released a statement saying that Castro’s election serves as a “vote of confidence in Cuban sports in general and especially in baseball on the island.”

[AP]

07
Dec
09

Jarrett Jack Ties the Bulls in Knots

Hey, I get that being down 27 points in the waning seconds of the third quarter doesn’t inspire a lot of intensity, but if you’re the Chicago Bulls at least PRETEND you’re trying hard. During Saturday’s matchup between the Raptors and Bulls Jarrett Jack held the ball as the final seconds of the third quarter counted off; unchallenged by the defense, he stood just past the half-line and waited. When no one came to play on him, Jack took care of some business, tying his shoes with the basketball just chilling in his arm. Luol Deng of the Bulls apparently just can’t be bothered.




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