Archive for December 7th, 2009

07
Dec
09

Get Out of Kris Humphries’ House

If you’re a rookie and looking to make a good impression in the NBA, take some helpful pointers from Dallas’ Kris Humphries who has thrown some ferocious blocks down already in this young season. The latest was in Friday’s contest against Memphis when Sam Young went up for a dunk only to be shot down by Humphries. Corralling the loose ball after the block, Young goes in AGAIN for a dunk and misses it AGAIN, with the ball falling to Humphries who was on the floor.

07
Dec
09

Smoking Kills (2 Grandmasters’ Chances in Tournament)

We all know the allure of smoking cigarettes, they make you look cooler, older, tougher, more popular, etc, but who knew that there are BAD things to them too! At the World Chess Cup in sunny Khanty Mansiysk, Russia, two Chinese grandmasters Wang Yue (left) and Li Chao, were disqualified from their third-round matches after showing up late. Their excuse? They were out back smoking.

Wang told an interviewer later that he understood the tournament’s decision but didn’t think it was particularly fair. The biggest victim of all was Li who only started smoking in order to keep Wang company during the tournament, which should be a lesson to all you potential smokers out there; if you’re going to start smoking make sure it’s for a good reason, like impressing cute older girls.

When he was asked if this incident would push Wang to quit smoking he had this response: “I don’t think so. After such a shock, you only think to take a long smoke.” Grandmaster indeed.

[NY Times]

07
Dec
09

US Curling Has Their Own Brand of Condoms — FINALLY!

With most Winter Olympics sports far below the radar of the general population, the various sporting organizations sometimes have to go to creative lengths to try and procure adequate funding, case in point, the US Curling team are selling their own specially branded condoms.

Called the “Hurry Hard condoms”, after a phrase that curlers constantly yell out to one another the idea came about when the team was trying to figure out ways to raise some cash for their team and someone joked about a hurry hard condom. Eventually everyone came around on the idea and the idea was fully germinated.

Proceeds for the condoms will be split between USA Curling and Central Coast HIV/AIDS Services with primary team sponsor Kodiak contributing some money into the fabrication of the special love coats.

“The platform that USA Curling can leverage is the Olympic exposure and excitement around the Olympics,” said Rick Patzke, USA Curling’s chief operating officer. “I’m sure it’ll bring more fodder for talk shows and things like that. But it will bring attention to the central message, which is safety and education and awareness for safer sex and HIV prevention.”

[CBC]

07
Dec
09

Someone Get Joey Porter a Stylist

For Joey Porter it’s a good thing that the Dolphins beat the Patriots yesterday because otherwise he would have looked like an even bigger douche. The first contest between these two teams featured plenty of jawing from Porter before the game, and then little from him DURING it. In fact he finished the day with no tackles, no sacks and nothing on the stat sheet, something the stadium scoreboard operators thought important enough to point out.

Where in the first game he was totally invisible, yesterday he actually contributed, sort of, finishing with 3 tackles and assisting on another one. After yesterday’s surprise win over the Patriots, Porter held court in the locker room with reporters and this time he was highly visible, if incredibly poorly dressed.

Hey Joey, guess what, you’re a well-paid professional football player, NOT a soldier. You want to be a soldier? Great, go sign up like Pat Tillman did. Otherwise, buy some normal clothes that help you not look like quite as much of an enormous douchenozzle. Also, last I checked, there’s not a whole lot of forests in the Miami area, so, what exactly are you trying to camouflage yourself from, I mean, I can still see you for the tool you are.

[Boston Globe]

07
Dec
09

Al Michaels — Master of the English Language

Jared Allen is a nearly unstoppable defensive force, we saw his power last week when he ran roughshod over whoever was put in place to block him. Allen wears number 69 because you know, being a middle schooler forever is important, was continuing to be disruptive during last night’s contest against the Cardinals and Al Michaels figured it was an opportune moment to teach the kids about mutual oral love.

I mean, he’s right, but it just seemed a weird thing to bring up in the middle of a football game. Must have been weighing on his mind or something…

Then, when EJ Henderson breaks his leg in a decently gruesome manner, Al who must not own a thesaurus can’t stop from saying break. Whether it’s an “unfortunate break” or a “rough break” or it’s time for a commercial and so NBC will take “a break,” it’s time for Al to learn some new words.

[Sports Rubbish]

07
Dec
09

Castro Wins an Election to Rule Over Baseball

In one of the most shocking results in the history of elections, Fidel Castro’s son won a position in the International Baseball Federation. Antonio Castro, 39, is a trained doctor who has accompanied the Cuban baseball team to various tournaments, including the World Baseball Classic and the Cubans’ exhibitions against the Orioles in 1999.

Japan’s Kazuhiro Tawa and Mexico’s Alonso Perez were also elected and Ricardo Fraccari of Italy was chosen as the new president for the IBAF.

Responsible for overseeing all baseball outside the majors, the Cuban Sports Institute released a statement saying that Castro’s election serves as a “vote of confidence in Cuban sports in general and especially in baseball on the island.”

[AP]

07
Dec
09

Jarrett Jack Ties the Bulls in Knots

Hey, I get that being down 27 points in the waning seconds of the third quarter doesn’t inspire a lot of intensity, but if you’re the Chicago Bulls at least PRETEND you’re trying hard. During Saturday’s matchup between the Raptors and Bulls Jarrett Jack held the ball as the final seconds of the third quarter counted off; unchallenged by the defense, he stood just past the half-line and waited. When no one came to play on him, Jack took care of some business, tying his shoes with the basketball just chilling in his arm. Luol Deng of the Bulls apparently just can’t be bothered.

07
Dec
09

The Broncos Lose Their Biggest Fan

Every team has that one special fan that stands in for the larger fan-base, people like the Cowbell Man for the Mets or the Jets’ Fireman Ed; Tim McKernan, the self-named “Barrel Man” of the Denver Broncos was just that kind of fan.

The famous rooter made a $10 bet with his brother in 1977 that he could wear a barrel to the game and get on television. He did, and that launched a 22-year-run where McKernan, a former United Airlines mechanic, showed up at every Broncos home game in his ubiquitous orange barrel, orange cowboy hat and boots and little else. From 1967 to 2008, McKernan missed a total of 4 games, in 2007 the Broncos held a special half-time ceremony where they honored him, presented him a game ball and several other team presents.

Early Saturday morning Tim McKernan passed away of lung failure; he was 69.

[Denver Post]

07
Dec
09

Revenge is Best Served on the Ice

I knew I always kind of liked Brendan Shanahan, the feisty winger retired recently from the NHL with over 650 goals, nearly 700 assists and almost 2500 penalty minutes. Even more importantly, he retired as the unofficial career leader in Gordie Howe Hat Tricks — which involve scoring a goal, an assist and a fight in one game — with 9. While talking with reporters about his new job with the NHL commissioner’s office, Shanahan told a story showing how the pugnacious forward never forgot a slight, even one done to him as a teenager.

“When I was 14 years old I was skating in the summertime at a rink in Toronto,” Shahanan recalled. “Rick Vaive happened to be skating at an adjoining rink and we were actually in dressing rooms that were right next to each other.

“I went in when he was sort of settled and asked him for an autograph. I didn’t get the best response from Rick Vaive at that time.”

“Fast forward four years later and Rick Vaive is waiting for a meaningless faceoff in Buffalo,” Shanahan said. “He’s now playing for the Sabres. He’s lined up next to some 18-year-old kid from New Jersey. When the puck dropped, I attacked Rick Vaive.

“It was a quiet, uneventful game. He couldn’t believe the rage I had, not only in attacking him, but it took two (linesmen) to restrain me afterwards and throw me in the penalty box.”

Vaive was dumbfounded.

“He said to one of my teammates at the time, Jim Korn, ‘By the way, what’s wrong with that kid and why was he coming after me?’ ” Shanahan recounted. “Jim Korn said, ‘Apparently he asked you for an autograph when he was a little kid and you weren’t that friendly to him. So he’s harbored those feelings since then.’ “

[NJ.com]

07
Dec
09

The Saints Are Marching (Towards a Perfect Season)

Ultimately, I’m not SHOCKED that the Redskins couldn’t pull it together in order to take down the undefeated Saints yesterday, despite the game being eminently winnable, the Redskins after all have been absolutely pathetic this year. Nothing symbolizes that better than this play; with less than a minute remaining in the first half, Drew Brees throws an interception which is then immediately ripped out of the Redskins’ hands and run back for a touchdown by Saints receiver Robert Meachem.

Not only is this play just awful if you’re a Redskins fan, but look at that stiff-arm Brees throws at the beginning of the play, that’s a defensive end that Brees just pushes to the ground like he was a six-year-old child. Only one word can describe that stiff-arm, the rest of the play, the Redskins season and their racist team name; embarrassing.




Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other followers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!
SIGN THE PETITION HERE! AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PASS THIS ALONG!

December 2009
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

Categories