The tournament at Wimbledon has begun play, and as someone who especially loves the grass, I am excited. It hasn’t been all fun and games across the pond though, Wimbledon it seems is besieged by pigeons that disturb the players and the courts.
Initially 2 hawks were employed to dissuade pigeons from being in the area and bothering players on the courts. Unfortunately the hawks were unable to do the job completely, and so the staff at Wimbledon turned to some army marksmen to cull the pigeons.
“The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job,” Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins said. “But unfortunately there were one or two areas where the hawks didn’t deter the pigeons, so it was deemed necessary to take a harder approach.”
Predicatably, the whiners at PETA immediately took offense to this and started making trouble.
“Since the use of marksmen to kill pigeons appears to have been carried out as a first, rather than a last resort, and not out of a concern for public health, but rather because the animals were deemed inconvenient by players, you appear to be in clear violation of the law,” PETA vice-president Bruce Friedrich said.
Ignoring the fact that PETA is totally ignoring that Wimbledon first tried to use hawks to get rid of the pigeons, the fact that army marksmen were being used to do this is totally awesome; and second of all, who gives a shit? They’re pigeons! Even the most ardent Buddhist could care less about pigeons, they’re flying rats. They spread disease, they poop on everything and provide zero benefit to the world. Even further, it’s not as though there is a lack of pigeons in England. I’ve lived in England, there are too many goddamn pigeons there, killing the few that are around Wimbledon is no big deal and there will be no discernible difference in the nation. It’s not as though they are endangered, or protected, or useful, or attractive, or interesting.
Also, I love that, to PETA, it’s totally fine for hawks to kill pigeons but not humans. I can gurantee that the marksmen kill the birds a whole lot faster and painlessly than the hawks do. If I had to choose an expert marksman or a hawk to kill me, I think the decision is pretty easy. So PETA doesn’t mind animal-on-animal violence right? Well, what exactly are humans if not smarter animals? So Bruce Friedrich, sit down and shut up, no one is going to rally around your cause for pigeons.
Maybe if they were cuter. Or nicer. Or worthwhile in any manner. But they aren’t. I only wish the marksman could set up outside PETA. No wait, that’d be cruel.
I only wish that a swarm of hawks can be released inside PETA headquarters. I’m perfectly willing to allow some pigeons to live if it were to mean less PETA douches.
Growing up one of my favorite past times was to lay back on my bed and listen to George Carlin cds. I listened to them all so much that I had the routines memorized. It didn’t matter that I knew what was coming next, he never ceased to make me laugh. Combined with Kurt Vonnegut, Carlin helped influence me to no end in the way I see the world and the way I write. Carlin inspired me to want to be funny and entertain people and while I don’t normally care about celebrity deaths, this one joneses me out to no end.
1) Pre/Post All-Star break Splits: So the Mets are having a bad start to the year. Good thing that many of the linchpin players perform better in the second half! (AVG/OBP/SLG/OPS) for hitters
I wholly applaud this policy. Now, as someone who has a physique that is just simply marvelous–I get stopped constantly by women and even some men who just want to behold the splendor that is my chest. My abs are used by my friends to grate cheese, my pecs have led many art critics to cry due to their beauty, etc etc–I am so glad to see the Nationals crack down on those men who have been taking their shirts off in public and simply shouldn’t be. I didn’t come to swill my $7.50 beer and be disgusted by sections of pale, flabby gentlemen. However, as someone who is totally jacked, I should be allowed to show my body off. When I take my shirt off women coo, children come up and ask if I’m Superman and a flock of doves often fly alongside me, providing a cooling fan action with their wings.
Free Parking Perez has walked 48 men in only 72.1 IP. Remember last year when he went 15-10 with a 3.56 ERA and 174K, walking “only” a total of 79?
The Slanch Report 
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