Archive for June 25th, 2008


Strippers Bring Much-Needed Excitement to Kid’s Golf

It was a nice Monday morning tournament at Eagle Trace Golf Course in Broomfield, Colorado, a group of young golfers, aged 7-12 were starting their tournament when all of a sudden a bunch of limosines pulled up. If this were an ABC reality show, these kids would be treated to a series of PGA stars who would come out and teach the kids some stuff and change their lives forever.

That didn’t happen.

Instead, out of the limos came the players of Shotgun Willie’s Charity Golf Tournament. The event, paired patrons of the classy local strip club with the strippers who served as caddies.

“It was mistiming,” said Eagle Trace Manager Evelyn Koch. I’d say that’s an understatement. “I cannot tell you the girls didn’t flash out there,” Koch continued, “But it wasn’t a free-for-all.”

For those young kids, this was probably the most influential day of their early golf careers. It probably made them want to play the game all that much more. The PGA should consider this as a potential marketing maneuver.

For the 144 patrons of the strip club who came out for the charity event, this day will also be long remembered. I didn’t even know that golf courses allowed Def Leopard and Motley Crue songs on the courses! Or that the hole flags could be used as stripper poles; they’re much sturdier than I thought.

The article goes on, getting more and more hilarious:

“There was nothing inappropriate going on around the clubhouse when the kids were around,” said golf instructor Dustin Moser, “There was a handful of girls that got a little out of control.”

Moser admitted several dancers were scolded for “top-dropping.”

Continue reading ‘Strippers Bring Much-Needed Excitement to Kid’s Golf’


Wimbledon Employs Pigeon Assasins

The tournament at Wimbledon has begun play, and as someone who especially loves the grass, I am excited. It hasn’t been all fun and games across the pond though, Wimbledon it seems is besieged by pigeons that disturb the players and the courts.

Initially 2 hawks were employed to dissuade pigeons from being in the area and bothering players on the courts. Unfortunately the hawks were unable to do the job completely, and so the staff at Wimbledon turned to some army marksmen to cull the pigeons.

“The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job,” Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins said. “But unfortunately there were one or two areas where the hawks didn’t deter the pigeons, so it was deemed necessary to take a harder approach.”

Predicatably, the whiners at PETA immediately took offense to this and started making trouble.

“Since the use of marksmen to kill pigeons appears to have been carried out as a first, rather than a last resort, and not out of a concern for public health, but rather because the animals were deemed inconvenient by players, you appear to be in clear violation of the law,” PETA vice-president Bruce Friedrich said.

Ignoring the fact that PETA is totally ignoring that Wimbledon first tried to use hawks to get rid of the pigeons, the fact that army marksmen were being used to do this is totally awesome; and second of all, who gives a shit? They’re pigeons! Even the most ardent Buddhist could care less about pigeons, they’re flying rats. They spread disease, they poop on everything and provide zero benefit to the world. Even further, it’s not as though there is a lack of pigeons in England. I’ve lived in England, there are too many goddamn pigeons there, killing the few that are around Wimbledon is no big deal and there will be no discernible difference in the nation. It’s not as though they are endangered, or protected, or useful, or attractive, or interesting.

Also, I love that, to PETA, it’s totally fine for hawks to kill pigeons but not humans. I can gurantee that the marksmen kill the birds a whole lot faster and painlessly than the hawks do. If I had to choose an expert marksman or a hawk to kill me, I think the decision is pretty easy. So PETA doesn’t mind animal-on-animal violence right? Well, what exactly are humans if not smarter animals? So Bruce Friedrich, sit down and shut up, no one is going to rally around your cause for pigeons.

Maybe if they were cuter. Or nicer. Or worthwhile in any manner. But they aren’t. I only wish the marksman could set up outside PETA. No wait, that’d be cruel.

I only wish that a swarm of hawks can be released inside PETA headquarters. I’m perfectly willing to allow some pigeons to live if it were to mean less PETA douches.

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June 2008