Archive for June 19th, 2008


Baseball is Amazing!

Last year, on June 17th Prince Fielder of the Milwaukee Brewers, hit an inside-the-park home run (video HERE). That’s pretty remarkable because he’s about 260 pounds and not fleet of foot. Today, June 19th, in the 5th inning, Prince hit ANOTHER inside-the-parker! Nearly a year to the day! Amazing! That has to be the only time in baseball history that almost exactly to the day that a man hits an inside-the-park home run, especially one as large and slow as Prince. Tim Kurkjian and Jayson Stark are going to be creaming themselves looking this one up!



The Nationals Hate My Rippling Pecs

The Washington Nationals have apparently been cracking down on topless fans at baseball games. Unlike topless soccer, which is wholly encouraged in Europe, topless baseball apparently is not the image that the nation’s capital team wants to present.

“We bought a few beers for $7.50 each, and kicked back to enjoy the game,” wrote Benjamin Correia, to the Washington Post, “Around the third inning, a ballpark employee informed me and a friend that we would have to put our shirts back on.”According to the Nationals, this is just part of their policy opposing any indecent exposure.

I wholly applaud this policy. Now, as someone who has a physique that is just simply marvelous–I get stopped constantly by women and even some men who just want to behold the splendor that is my chest. My abs are used by my friends to grate cheese, my pecs have led many art critics to cry due to their beauty, etc etc–I am so glad to see the Nationals crack down on those men who have been taking their shirts off in public and simply shouldn’t be. I didn’t come to swill my $7.50 beer and be disgusted by sections of pale, flabby gentlemen. However, as someone who is totally jacked, I should be allowed to show my body off. When I take my shirt off women coo, children come up and ask if I’m Superman and a flock of doves often fly alongside me, providing a cooling fan action with their wings.

Chubbers and guys who are so pale that they are translucent could easily screw up the batter’s eye, and they should be silenced (clothed.) For the Washington Nationals, who have dedicated this season to the lost art of finishing 70-92, I can totally understand their focus on this terrible plague upon their new stadium. Normal men without their shirts are horrendous, as a demi-god, that fortunately isn’t my fate. So, to the Nationals I stand up and cheer. Why worry about the product on the field, after all, there are MUCH more important issues going on out in the bleachers! But be careful too, we’ve also seen the hoopla that can surround the shirts that people DO choose to wear to games as well…


Ten Reasons the Mets will Finish 10 Games Under .500

Today we bring you a guest column from generally angry commenter Shatraw, who offers his insights into what is ailing his beloved Mets (until he jumps onto the Rays bandwagon.)


The inevitable came to pass in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, June 17th, when Omar Minaya snuck into Willie Randolph’s hotel room and left the severed heads of Rick Peterson and Tom Nieto in his bed, scrawling the word’s “YOU’RE FIRED” in blood on the wall over his bed. There is no debate about whether the firing was warranted and going into the theatrics surrounding the situation is just beating a dead horse. The real question now is: “can the Met’s get their act together and finish off 2008 in the hunt for a playoff spot?”

Hah hah hah.

Here are the 10 reasons the Mets will finish 10 games under .500. If each one of these factors only adds one loss to their chances of finishing .500, the Mets should consider themselves lucky.

PROBLEM: Oliver Perez will walk 100+ batters

Free Parking Perez has walked 48 men in only 72.1 IP. Remember last year when he went 15-10 with a 3.56 ERA and 174K, walking “only” a total of 79?

The honeymoon is over. His ERA is flirting with 5. He gives his team almost no chance to win 1 out of 3 times he’s on the mound.

CAN IT BE FIXED? Well, since he walked 8 in 5IP on May 23rd in Colorado, he’s only walked 4, 2, 2 and 3. So no, probably not.

PROBLEM: Jose Reyes turned into a sniveling prick

Everyone knows that watching Reyes play at the height of his game is possibly the most exciting sight in baseball. But that’s if he feels like it.

Reyes seems more petulant by the hour, climaxing last night in Jerry Manuel’s first game as manager. Reyes pulling up lame at first, whined into the bench. When Manuel emerged from the dugout and told him to take the night off, Reyes chucked his helmet and sulked off the field.

It’s just the latest in Jose’s trend toward little-bitchery. Reyes can regularly be seen booting routine groundballs, not laying out for tougher plays and scuffling to first on grounders.

CAN IT BE FIXED? I don’t know what his deal is, but they have to make Reyes care again. Send him to a Tony Robbins brainwashing if it’s necessary.

PROBLEM: The Wilpons are reverting back into the Wilpons

After a couple of relatively sane seasons from ownership, the Wilpons are up to their nasty old tricks again. Now that their team is sputtering, it’s back to a steady flow of media leaks, petty in-fighting and backstabbing in an organization famous for such hijinks. That’s always good for team morale.

I’m starting to suspect that Mets ownership is intentionally tanking this season. Omar Minaya has that look in his eye, like his time is about to come. And it probably will after this season.

CAN IT BE FIXED? Not really. Unless the Wilpons charter a fateful helicopter tour with the always hilarious Dolans, curing NY sports of insanity at its uppermost levels. Oh wait, forgot about Hank Steinbrenner. Damn.

PROBLEM: Both Carlos’s (Carlii?) suck and neither one of them cares Continue reading ‘Ten Reasons the Mets will Finish 10 Games Under .500’

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

June 2008