The Frying Hawaiian Strikes Again

Shane Victorino has been a pest these playoffs, with a huge grand slam in the first round and then being a catalyst towards a benches emptying standing around “fight,” but now he’s REALLY done it, he’s angered PETA. After revealing that his favorite food is Spam musubi, the Flying Hawaiian has irked the publicity whores over at PETA who sent him a letter about their recent investigations into the pig farm that supplies the manufacturer of Spam. “We suspect that the cruelty in every can of Spam will infuriate Shane more than a high Hiroki Kuroda fastball,” says Dan Shannon, PETA’s assistant director, in a note. “If Shane likes Spam a lot, he should buy tickets to the Broadway play but leave it off his dinner plate.”

Several things about this story interest me. One, Shane Victorino has poor taste in food. Two, who knew that Spam actually came from pigs! Three, PETA has GOT to get a life and get over themselves. Four, Don Shannon LOVES shitty puns. When the story was brought to the attention of a Phillies PR rep, the rep said he’d ask Victorino for a comment, after the World Series. After the jump is the letter from PETA, an organization that I wish would just stick to real animal rights issues.

And a hearty h/t to Philly.com for the “Frying Hawaiian” bit.


October 14, 2008

Shane Victorino, c/o Philadelphia Phillies

Dear Mr. Victorino:

On behalf of PETA and our thousands of members and supporters in the Philadelphia area, I’m writing in regard to the recent revelation that your favorite meal is a Spam dish. While Spam might be a popular foodstuff in your native Hawaii, before you take another cholesterol-packed bite, let me tell you about the horrific abuse of animals at the hands of Spam’s pork suppliers.

PETA recently conducted an undercover investigation on a factory farm that breeds pigs who are slaughtered for Hormel, the maker of Spam. PETA documented staggering cruelty to animals, including that a supervisor shoved a cane into a sow’s vagina and struck her on the back approximately 17 times. Multiple pigs were beaten with metal gate rods, and two men were witnessed jabbing clothespins into pigs’ eyes and faces. A supervisor kicked a young pig in the face, abdomen, and genitals to make her move and told PETA’s investigator, “You gotta beat on the bitch. Make her cry.”

Virtually every factory farm that supplies pigs to Hormel confines mother pigs to metal crates that are so small that they can’t turn around and cuts piglets’ tails and testicles off without painkillers. In addition, a complaint is currently pending with the Food and Drug Administration regarding this particular farm’s use of a cancer-causing substance on pigs who were to be killed for human consumption.

As you might know, PETA has named Citizens Bank Ballpark the Most Vegetarian Friendly Ballpark two years in a row for its astounding variety of protein-packed, delicious animal-friendly fare, including mock-chicken sandwiches, “crab-free crab cakes,” Philly faux-steak sandwiches, veggie dogs, and flame-grilled Gardenburgers! We urge you to abandon the Spam, take advantage of the park’s delicious veggie options, and consider joining other compassionate athletes—including John Salley, Ricky Williams, and Tony Gonzalez—in healthy and humane vegetarian eating.

Best of luck to you and the rest of the Phillies in your championship run. I can be contacted at 757-962-8253 or DanS@peta.org.

Best regards,

Dan Shannon

Assistant Director

10 Responses to “The Frying Hawaiian Strikes Again”

  1. 1 Calexander13
    October 14, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    I’m not sure why people are surprised that Hawaiian’s love Spam. Have they not seen the Anthony Bourdain episode where he eats about 20 dishes all consisting of Spam?

    Sounds delicious.

    Dear PETA, a word of advise: Rwanda. People first, animals second.

  2. 2 Kellen winslow's swollen ball
    October 15, 2008 at 7:54 am

    oh, yeah, right, Dan. A wonderful, magical pig…

  3. 3 TheChase26
    October 15, 2008 at 11:22 am

    “We urge you to…take advantage of the park’s delicious veggie options…”

    Right, because I’m sure a member of the Phillies goes to Citizens Bank Park to eat on a regular basis. I can see it now…

    Pat Burrell: “Hey guys, where you wanna eat tonight? Capital Grill? Le Bec Fin? Morimoto?”
    Shane Victorino: “Nah man, let’s go to Harry the K’s, or even the Cobblestone Grill!”

    PETA is stupid.

  4. 4 Somebody
    October 15, 2008 at 3:30 pm

    Someone is either a fan of the Dodgers, Rays, or Sox…

  5. 5 Any publicity is good publicity
    October 15, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    The only reason they do this is to get publicity, and the media (online and real world) is more than happy to give it to them.

    Even though I can’t stand PETA, they’re not stupid. They’re very smart. They knew this story would get picked up and it did. I wish it didn’t, but I know better by now.

    The stupid ones are the ones who should know by now when someone’s trolling and when it’s real news.

  6. 6 Tim Lewson
    October 15, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Calexander 13—

    Why rank people and animals? Are we so incapable that we cannot deal with the horrors committed against people and animals at the same time? False choices are no choices at all


  7. 7 Calexander13
    October 15, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    Dear Tim,

    Yes, Tim, we are incapable of dealing with crimes against humans and animals simeltaneously. PETA’s been around since 1980, so that makes, what, 28 years of big-picture futility in terms of affecting animal treatment? I know, I generalize, but hey, everyone said, “No more holocausts!” and then Rwanda. And then Darfur. And we don’t even generalize there. We just nod and agree, “Hey, it’s too bad that’s still going on. But don’t worry, George Clooney visits often. THAT can’t be too bad.”

    To be rather blunt, I find it offensive that you would even consider equating ethical cleansing with fair treatment of animals. That’s completely insane.

    I support PETA to a limit, but not when it comes down to genocide and SPAM. I can’t even believe I had to type that.

    So we should divide our efforts and make sure old Bessie gets more room in her stall before her inevitable slaughter…Meanwhile, we have mass starvation, genocide, natural disasters…so, yes, it’s easy to say that we SHOULD be able to focus on both. But history and common sense says no.

    I love animals. I really do. And yes, I buy free-range chicken eggs, agree that it’s weird we drink other animal’s milk, and so on and so on.

    I offer no false choices. I simply ask: Who would you rather grow old with, sleep with, get sick of, through sickness and through health?

    A pig or a human being?

    Slanch, you can’t have both. No. Not allowed. Slanch, no.

  8. 8 Calexander13
    October 15, 2008 at 5:33 pm

    Crap, not ethical cleansing. Ethnic cleansing. Crap.

    Slanch, how about them Red Sox?

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