The Slanch Report

The United States Navy has a long history of proud service, from its earliest beginnings through today the men in white have served with distinction and valor and done their nation proud. With recruitment numbers down across the board for the military thanks to the never-ending warmongering in Washington, the various armed forces have been forced to become much more creative in their suckering of new recruits.

The reason the recruiting numbers are down is because most people are smart enough to realize that the way the military has been deployed and employed recently, there is a decent chance of getting dead. But, if you’re the military and you still need bodies, there is one group of people almost always dumb enough to poach from, of course, I mean Nascar fans.

So, in order to try and attract new people to the Navy, rabid Nascar fans can join up and become a part of the Dale Jr. Division, a specialized training unit for 88 recruits, because 88 is his car number. ADORABLE! I can’t decide which is more depressing; that the military has to reach out to Nascar fans in such a stupid manner, or that the unit probably had an overwhelming number of people willing to do it. Most of them were probably unaware of anything to do with the Navy, “Huh, shucks, well, you mean that I get to meet Dale Jr? Sh-ee-ee-ee-it, (spit) hell, I’ll sign anything you want…” Now, from my ivory east coast liberalism tower, the fact that the military has to whore itself out in such a manner is embarrassing, then again, the fact that millions of people spend billions of dollars a year to watch some rednecks drive in circles will never make sense to me either.

I can imagine that there is no lack of people who are idiotic enough to take the chance to have anything to do with Dale Earnhardt Jr. since if you look at the fans of his dad, the late Dale Earnhardt, very little can surprise me. I’m obsessed with sports, I spend my entire day thinking about sports, but I would never ever do something as retarded as this, or this, definitely not this, and 100% never this, but hey, that’s just me.

Dale Jr. isn’t just lending his name though, “he’s going to go up and actually check on the company, the division, from time to time — I believe at the beginning, and then also at the end. So he’s not just going to put his name on it and then leave it alone,” Navy recruiter Eric Franklin said Wednesday at the Southside headquarters of Navy Recruiting Division Jacksonville. Wow. Great. Sounds like he’s really involved for these dumbasses stupid enough to sign up.

The only good thing this portends is that in the future we can look forward to many more celebrity affiliated military units. For example, these units are supposedly next up on the DoD’s list:

• The Carmelo Anthony “Drunk Driving Fighting 47th Tank Division”
• The Kevin Garnett “Truly Insane Terrifying 45th Motor Pool Unit”
• The Josh Howard “Flying High 420th Bomber Air Wing”
• The Bill Parcells “Fat Bulbous Tuna 101st Kitchen Brigade”
• The Mike Hampton “1,036 DL Stints Hospital Ship”

I can’t wait! It’s always a good sign when the military is digging deep into the barrel of Nascar fans for recruits. I for one feel totally safe and protected now.