Archive for September 3rd, 2009


Phillies Employee Flushes His Ring Away *(UPDATED)*

Thanks to the security camera footage at Citizens Bank Park, the missing Phillies World Series ring has been recovered!

A janitor at the stadium found the ring and led police to it in a supply closet where he had stashed it wrapped in a paper towel.

Police are planning on filing charges against the janitor, who they believe hid the ring because he had second thoughts.



Why America Loves Ken Griffey

beltreIt took some prodding — not in that way — from manager Don Wakamatsu but Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre finally agreed to wear a cup when he plays in the field. Despite a BLEEDING TESTICLE from taking a grounder off the junk, Beltre still wasn’t convinced that the cup was worthwhile.

“Adrian will wear a cup tonight,” Wakamatsu said before Tuesday’s game.

In a moment of pure comic genius, teammate Ken Griffey Jr. arranged to have Tchaikovsky’s “The Nutcracker” play when Adrian strode up to the plate for his first at-bat.


[Seattle Times]


I Have GOT to Buy an NFL Team

scroogeForbes Magazine released their annual valuations of the NFL franchises and despite a downturn in the economy the numbers are staggering.

The average NFL franchise is worth $1.042 BILLION and makes $237 million in annual revenue. That seems like a lot.

Leading the way are the Dallas Cowboys who are worth $1.65 billion, making them the most valuable sports franchise in North America and second worldwide only to Manchester United. Never mind that they haven’t won a playoff game since 1996 or a Super Bowl since 1994, somehow the Cowboys still are the name brand of NFL teams.

The Washington Redskins are second at $1.55 billion but lead the league in revenue at $345 million a year. New England is third in value at $1.361 billion but second in revenue at $302 million.

At the bottom of the barrel are the Oakland Raiders, worth a mere pittance of $745 million. In total, 18 teams are worth over a billion dollars. Not too shabby.  



The Nets Hate Themselves

NetsReversiblesBeing from New Jersey is bad enough, something very few residents are willing to admit. “Oh I’m from NYC” they’ll say, but last I checked Newark ain’t New York.

Then there are the New Jersey Nets, desperate to move to Brooklyn, but stuck in East Rutherford. Realizing that they are fighting a Sisyphean battle to get fan interest in their own struggling franchise, the Nets have turned to a different marketing strategy. Don’t come see US, see our OPPONENTS!

Offering a 10-game package, to see some of the actual GOOD teams in the league, including the Lakers, Celtics, Cavs and Magic you get tickets to the game, a four week subscription to the NY Post AND 5 special reversible jerseys. On one side are the Nets and on the other side is one of the aforementioned GOOD teams jerseys.

At last you can live your dream of having a Yi Jianlian and Kevin Garnett jersey!

This is simply an incredibly bad promotion. I mean, yes, the Nets WILL suck next season, they’re two marquee players both are gone and next season is going to be a nightmare, but even still, have some pride or self-respect.

And who are the douches that want to WEAR these stupid jerseys; how ashamed for even liking the Nets do you have to be to wear this?



Nice Joke Smart Guy

jews-fake-bomb-threat-new-jerseyBefore Wednesday’s game with the Red Sox an employee of the Rays was arrested for planting a fake bomb in what he termed a “practical joke.” Funny. I get it!

William L. Jordan, a mechanic with the team built and hid the device as a goof according to the St. Petersburg police.

“His actions were in very poor taste and do not reflect the values of the organization,” Rays vice president Rick Vaughn wrote in an e-mail.

The “bomb” was a box taped to a shelf with wires sticking out and emitting a “beeping” sound. The police were called and, realizing the severity of the situation, admitted he had put it there and apologized.

Unfortunately, the bomb squad had already been called and arrived on the scene where they confirmed it was a fake. Jordan, who has worked for the team for 3 years may not have much longer in his tenure with the team.

“This will be handled internally,” Vaughn wrote regarding whether or not Jordan would lose his job.

I gotta say, if you can plant a FAKE BOMB at your workplace and NOT get fired, that’s a hell of a leniant employer.

I guess when you have such a history of failure as the Rays do it only makes sense…



Them (Mostly) White Boys Can Shoot

Now, I’m not one for these kinds of videos normally, but these guys sink some pretty fucking awesome shots. And they’re all from Maine! And they have a black friend! In MAINE! Amazing!

My favorites are the ones where they are on the roof of the house and the ones where they do a double or triple bank shot off the garage.


Y’arr, Who Be Parking in Me Spot

MikeLeachTexas Tech football coach Mike Leach loves pirates so it was quite a happy surprise for him when he showed up to work and his parking was transformed by other members of the athletics department. I guess a Red Raider could be a pirate…

[The Wiz of Odds]

Follow The Slanch Report

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 19 other subscribers

Sign Our Petition!

The Slanch Report has started an online petition asking the MLB Network to air the Dock Ellis no-hitter he threw on June 12, 1970 against the San Diego Padres. The moment was a seminal piece of baseball history and is certainly worthy of being rerun.

Please join us in this cause and sign the petition below so we can all share in this special and fantastic moment of baseball history. THANKS!

September 2009