Archive for September, 2008

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24
Sep
08

Today in Ridiculous News

By slanch 4 Comments
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , , ,

First I saw that Clay Aiken had come out as gay and my mind was still trying to wrap itself around that; I mean, he always seemed so straight, plus he kept denying the rumors so vehemently, it’s a hard one for me to believe. Then I hear that Matt Millen (Detroit’s record under him was 31-84(!)) was finally FINALLY fired. But then, to make me even more incredulous, in the most ridiculous news of the day I see that Mets GM Omar Minaya is getting a 4 year extension. Um, WHAT? Among his accomplishments Baseball Tonight had listed were that his team went to the NLCS once (losing to the worst eventual World Series winner in recent history), that he has a winning percentage of .551 and that he signed Carlos Beltran and traded for Johan Santana. Um, that’s it?

Now I’ll give credit for Johan, the deal Omar made was a fucking steal as we’ve seen that Carlos Gomez and the rest of the semi-scrubs the Mets sent the Twins’ way are not CLOSE to being truly serviceable on the major league level. That was a well played move. Omar waited until the Sox and Yankees, with their superior offers, bowed out and played upon the desperation of the Twins. That’s some smart maneuvering. However, the REST of the Mets roster is an epic example of FAIL. How can you go into a season with someone like Moises Alou penciled in to start and really not have an effective backup behind him for his eventual injury? Endy Chavez doesn’t count as he is and always should be a 5th outfielder. The farm system isn’t producing any major new talent, sure the infusion of players like Daniel Murphy have been nice in recent weeks but the rest of the system is bereft of top-quality players who can make any kind of impact in the near future. Continue reading ‘Today in Ridiculous News’

23
Sep
08

Who Will Cry for Roger Clemens

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , , , , ,

Poor Roger Clemens, first he gets outed for his use of HGH and steroids in the Mitchell Report, then he further destroys his reputation by starting a defamation suit against Brian McNamee where details about Clemens’ alleged affair with a 15 year old girl come out and a host of other embarrassing and lurid details. Now, Clemens’ reputation is completely in the toilet, a man who should be honored as the best living pitcher is relegated to the outskirts because of his own illegal actions and no one wants to acknowledge him. Fast forward to Sunday’s fellating of Yankee Stadium and the honoring of the greatest Yankees at each position and no mention of the Cy Young garnering, 2 World Series winning Rocket. Alas!

According to today’s NY Post, sitting in his hurricane ravaged home, watching a battery operated TV and holding hands with his wife and mother-in-law, Clemens was “heartbroken” when he wasn’t even mentioned at all.

“Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken,” said Clemens’ mother-in-law Jan Wild. “Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him.”

Chuck Knoblauch, Andy Pettite and Jason Giambi all of whom were ALSO mentioned in the Mitchell Report were given their due at the close of the stadium but apparently Clemens was too much for the Yankees fans sensibilities. Instead he’s left holding hands with some old lady in possibly the saddest way possible. Also Joe Torre, who only took the team to 6 World Series and won 4 of them as well as making the playoffs every year he was in NYC didn’t even earn a mention either. Did he do steroids too? Do the Steinbrenners just really hate people who are anti-beating kids?

Regardless, Clemens was sad and that’s unfortunate. Well, not really. He’s a fat scumbag. But at least his mother-in-law still believes him when he says he never did steroids, so at least ONE person in America believes him.

23
Sep
08

100 Years Ago was Merkle’s Boner

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball and Random
Tags: , , ,

In honor of the Cubs’ second straight journey to the postseason as the NL Central division winners it is important to note that today is the 100th anniversary of the “Merkle Boner.” No, that isn’t what happens whenever you give German Chancellor Angela Merkel a massage; it happened on the baseball diamond in a game between the Chicago Cubs and the New York Giants.

Fred Merkle, then at 19, the youngest player in the league, came up to bat in a 1-1 ballgame in the 9th inning. With two outs already and Moose McCormick on first, Merkle singled moving McCormick to third. Then, Al Bridwell came to the dish and hit a single of his own. McCormick scored and the New York fans came running onto the field cheering, swarming the players and the field.

Unfortunately for the Giants, Merkle never reached second base because of the fans and had walked off the field. Johnny Evers, the alert Cubs second baseman noticed this and after retrieving the ball appealed to the second base umpire who then called Merkle out on a force play. Because it was a force, the run was thus negated and the game was to continue. However, with all the fans on the field it was impossible to restart the game and it was ruled a tie.

At the end of the season the two teams though had identical records and a one-game playoff was required. The Cubs ended up winning that game and then going on to win the World Series, which as baseball fans know, was the last time they won. Had Merkle just run to the base and touched second, the Giants would have won the game, won the division and the Cubs would be mired in misery forever, instead of just for 100 years.

So, honor Berkle’s Boner in any way you feel appropriate today. This might be the year the Cubs just actually do it and get past their demons and win the World Series. Although I don’t think they will. They may get there but I don’t think the Cubs can get past either of the Red Sox or the Angels, but if they play the White Sox or the Rays I think they have a real chance.

23
Sep
08

Damn You and Your Smoke Pot Friends!

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches and Football
Tags: , , , , ,

Vodpod videos no longer available.

John Herrera is a senior executive PR man with the Oakland Raiders and he took some umbrage at Mercury News columnist Tim Kawakami’s accusation that the Raiders organization is anti-head coach Lane Kiffin. Using the example of how someone on the Raiders staff, (according to Kawakami it was Herrera himself) handed out a recent ESPN.com article that was negative about Lane Kiffin to reporters, Kawakami asked Kiffin if he felt isolated within the Raiders organization. Herrera did NOT appreciate this line of questioning. After the press conference Herrera strode up to Kawakami and started belligerently yelling at him. Among his fun yelling claims was that Yahoo Sports football reporter Mike Silver is a pot head (OH NO!) and thus can’t be believed or trusted. Even when other reporters in the room tell Herrera that their paper’s received the anti-Kiffin article Herrera refuses to accept it. Way to really nail Silver’s credibility, I mean, if he blazes than certainly he is too stupid to even know how to read an article handed to him by a member of the Raiders. Besides, NO ONE in sports smokes pot, least of all the players, and CERTAINLY NOT on a franchise of such fine moral standing as the Raiders. I do however love the way in which Herrera tries to make it an insult, “so did your smoke pot, –smoke pot, –your smoking buddy Michael Silver.” BURN!

I simply cannot understand why this organization is doing so poorly. It simply doesn’t make sense to me. I see the behind the scenes things and it looks like one well-oiled machine. Sure, every week there is a rumor that that Monday the head coach will be fired. Sure the owner hates his head coach and regrets plucking an offensive coordinator from the college ranks who had no previous head coaching experience and giving him control of an NFL franchise. Sure the owner is a bat-shit crazy old man who shouldn’t be in charge of a Dairy Queen much less a major sports franchise. Sure their team is a collection of mostly never-wills and haven’t-beens but that doesn’t mean they can’t be successful right? Right? Or at least that’s what John Herrera believes I think. Anyways, that franchise is a fucking mess.

But anyways, so uh, Michael Silver of Yahoo, wanna hang out?

22
Sep
08

I Am Never Going Surfing

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football and Random
Tags: , , , ,

Jumping off the remarkable story of Spencer Trapp and his fortunate escape from paralysis, is this unfortunate story of an 18 year old named Peter Jessee and a freak accident. Jessee, a three sport star in high school on the soccer team, hockey team and as the football team’s placekicker. After his graduation, the Jessee family from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma took a family vacation to Hawaii. While on a surfing lesson with his sister Peter started to feel an excruciating pain in his back. “He carried his surfboard up to the beach and put it up and shortly he came up and flopped down just like boys do,” said Peter’s mother, Janet Jessee. “But then he complained his back was killing him.”

After a while he asked if he could get a massage but about 45 minutes into the hour massage Jessee’s legs went numb and he was unable to stand. He was taken to the hospital where doctors informed he he had suffered an extremely rare paraparesis known colloquially as Surfer’s Myelophathy, a condition that often happens to first-time surfers. The injury, caused from hyperextending one’s back, is similar to a stroke localized just in the back. According to wikipedia the majority of patients who suffer from it eventually regain their ability to walk but some remain paralyzed for life. Continue reading ‘I Am Never Going Surfing’

22
Sep
08

Cristiano Ronaldo and the Hooker With a Golden Heart

By slanch 1 Comment
Categories: Hot Women and Soccer
Tags: , , , ,

Being one of the best soccer players in the world, Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United is able to attract a multitude of extremely attractive women like Nereida Gallardo to his bedside. So, it is interesting to read this report from the News of the World where they uncover that his latest ladyfriend, a Brazilian woman named Fernanda turns out to also be a $3,600 call girl in London. I highly recommend reading the full article as it is full of hilarious moments, and also some NSFW images, so be warned.

After receiving a tip from a high-class madame, the News booked an appointment with the busty Brazilian beauty. During the two meetings that the paper booked she:

22
Sep
08

The Luckiest Kid in America Last Week

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Football
Tags: , , , ,

Spencer Trapp, an 18 year old who plays football for Superior High School in Nebraska is fortunate to even be alive after a recent accident on the field. During the second quarter Trapp make a play and felt a little pain in his neck.

“When I went back and twisted I broke my 5th vertebrae and twisted it almost into my spinal cord. It felt like a strained neck but you don’t want to go out with a strained neck,” said Trapp. Thanks to the expert training staff for his football team, no one thought he was seriously injured and so Trapp later went out in the second half and made two more plays before finally coming out of the game. Later that night after seeing a doctor Trapp was informed he had broken his neck and after a CAT scan he was rushed into surgery.

“I just couldn’t believe it when the doctors told me that I had a broken neck, I played a football game with a broken neck,” Spencer said. “For the trauma team and all the trauma doctors they don’t understand how I walked in there and how I’m still alive and how I’m not paralyzed.” Neither do I! The injury, which normally causes paralysis at best and death at worst has sidelined Trapp but he remains able to walk and is expected to make a full recovery. His teammates have since shaved his number 10 into their heads to honor him as he remains unable to play and works on his recovery.

22
Sep
08

The Nationals are Deadbeats

By slanch 3 Comments
Categories: Baseball and Poor Governing
Tags: , , ,

The Washington Nationals will be mercifully finishing their season later this week, closing out merely 30+ games out of contention for the NL East, although the good news is that they are only 28.5 games out of the wild card. To cap off their inaugural season in their gorgeous new government paid-for home, the Nationals are celebrating by not paying their rent. After all, why should they bother, the product on the field is gift enough! Ted Lerner, the owner of the Nationals contends that the stadium is not “substantially complete” and so refuses to pay rent until the changes have been enacted. The city collects sales tax revenue from the stadium that is supposed to help pay down the debt from the costs that the city already outlaid. Unfortunately, since the Nationals completely and totally blow, no one goes to the games. And really, why should you? The product on the field is miserable, barely able to beat anyone, as of right now the Nats are 58-98, thats AWFUL–although I’m pretty sure that half those wins came against the Mets… With the lack of actual fans paying for tickets and buying things at the stadium Washington DC officials are forced to use a special business tax fund to help pay the debt off, of course the fund is not supposed to be used for this purpose and cannot last too long. But Ted Lerner, net worth $2.5 billion doesn’t think he needs to pay off the debt that the city accrued for his benefit. Why should a man who develops real estate think that paying one’s rent be a good thing after all. First he gets his $611 million dollar stadium financed by the city and the residents of Washington DC and now Lerner decides to tell them to all go fuck off. Nice.

Here’s a thought, if you aren’t going to pay your rent why don’t you at least use that money to help your team get better, for example by signing your NUMBER 1 DRAFT PICK, Aaron Crow, or hiring a GM who actually makes GOOD decisions. If you know that a player wants a giant bonus you don’t want to pay, DON’T FUCKING DRAFT HIM. Or is it better to remain mediocre forever? Someone take control of this franchise away from these people. I think when MLB was mishandling the team that it was in better hands.

22
Sep
08

Hydroplanes Crash Neat

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome and Random
Tags: , ,

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I used to LOVE playing Hydrothunder a generally lame video game almost solely because I enjoyed the opening screen with the voiceover’s loud “HYDROTHUUUUNNNNDDDDEEER” announcement. So, in honor of that, how about an awesome crash of a hydroplane to get your week started? I thought so.

22
Sep
08

Bush Fiddles for the Celts

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Basketball, Boston and Poor Governing
Tags: , ,

When the entire economy is collapsing methinks the executive leader of the nation should try to pay attention to the problem and focus on the issues at hand. Of course, that is not the way in which George Bush governs. So, last week as the financial institutions in New York were collapsing, taking thousands of jobs and billions of dollars with them, Bush was palling around with my champion Boston Celtics. I get that the visit to the White House is an annual event and that maybe Bush wasn’t able to avoid the issue, but when he addressed the issue he started speaking at 10:15 and was done and gone without even taking a question by 10:17. That’s 2 minutes! He must have been worried about keeping the much more important Celtics waiting. Doc Rivers waits for no man!

So, after avoiding doing anything worthwhile in actual governing, Bush met with the Celtics and spent significantly more than 2 minutes. During their visit Bush spent time joking about how he once owned the Texas Rangers, the chance to say the Celtics’ team motto “Ubuntu” in a Texas accent, and then spent time extoling the teamwork of the Celts. It’s good to know the priorities of this administration.

Why should our President give a shit, I mean, it is only the start of a global economic collapse. I guess because it wasn’t oil companies it doesn’t matter. I wonder this counts as Bush’s version of Nero fiddling while Rome collapsed. January 20th can’t come soon enough.

[Boston Globe]

19
Sep
08

Wee Man Picks Up Not So Wee Man

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Basketball and Random
Tags: , , ,

Jackass’ favorite midget, Wee Man and the rest of the Jackass crew were filming some bits and the big Shaq Diesel stopped by to hang out and participate. Check out the video below as the 7’1″ 340lb Shaq being picked up by the 4’6″ 120lb Wee Man. As well, Shaq humps Wee Man on the ground, Wee Man hits Shaq with a baseball bat in the stomach and Steve-O hits Shaq with a water balloon full of piss. All in all looks like a fun afternoon of filming!

[NESW Sports]

19
Sep
08

How to Tell Off Your Boss

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , ,

Earlier today St. Louis Cardinals second baseman Adam Kennedy requested that he be traded during the off-season after manager Tony La Russa informed him that he would not be starting for the rest of this season nor next season. Clearly unhappy, Kennedy showed his manager up by hitting a first inning grand slam in the on-going game between the Cardinals and Cubs right now. That’s certainly one way to voice your displeasure. Unfortunately for Kennedy, in the end he still is a scrub and so one hit won’t make any difference, but regardless, it’s gotta be a pretty satisfying feeling to throw back in La Russa and GM John Mozeliak’s face, at least for one day.

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