Archive for August, 2008

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19
Aug
08

Everyone Synchronize Your Watches

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , , , , ,

I may have gotten suckered by my own dyslexia on a sham synchronized swimming story, but Jenna Randall, 19, of Great Britain is all real, and a tasty morsel for the eyes. She definitely has a Kristin Cavalieri-look about her, but unlike Cavalieri, Randall is actually talented so, there is that one big difference. It is also interesting that at one point, Randall counted Laguna Beach as one of her favorite television shows. When she isn’t in the pool swimming in coordination with others, she’s a student in college in England. I don’t think they do mixed teams in synchronized swimming, but I think she and I are the perfect groundbreaking duo and I’m ready to make history with her. Join us in the gallery below the jump as we get a chance to follow Jenna from birthday cakes to pole dancing.

Of course, for Jenna and all the other fine athletes of the day for these Beijing Olympics, check out this page for lots of fun times.

Continue reading ‘Everyone Synchronize Your Watches’

18
Aug
08

Beware the Mighty Gaydarski

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , , , ,

After months of bilateral negotiations, Bulgarian human superweapon Krasimir Gaydarski has been deployed to Beijing for the Olympics at the host country’s request in order to help prevent any potentially fabulous protests while the games are underway. To maintain cover, he has been assigned a role as a mid-blocker on the men’s volleyball team. Thanks to months of undercover research, we here at The Slanch Report were able to bring you this story, at much personal peril.

No word on how this might affect the international Jonas Brothers futures market.

h/t to loyal reader mattraw

18
Aug
08

Doubles Anyone? (UPDATED!)

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Tennis
Tags: , , ,

France has elected to send two of her finest tennis players to the Olympics. Their talent on the courts I’m not so sure about, but their ability to titillate to me is beyond compare. My preferred partner would be Olivia Sanchez, 25, but the idea of pairing up with Alize Cornet, 18, is not an unpleasant. Sure Cornet’s nostrils seem a little too flared, but I can look past that if she can throw some power slams down on the balls. ed. to add: I was feeling bad that the photos of Olivia Sanchez weren’t truly representative of how hot she was, so I searched and found some even better ones, they are below in the gallery, viva la France!

For all the other hot Olympians of the day check out the page here and keep checking back everyday for the newest one.

Alize Cornet

Alize Cornet

Olivia Sanchez

15
Aug
08

Breaststroking Doppelganger

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Doppelgangers
Tags: , ,

Rebecca Soni won the 200 meter breaststroke yesterday, keeping the gold in the American family after Athens winner Amanda Beard was unable to get out of the prelims. Kristen Schall is a hilarious comedian, known from her turn as Mel on Flight of the Conchords and her work as a Daily Show correspondent. Together, they are one. Of course, for all the other doppelgangers make sure you visit the doppelganger page, here, and please vote in the poll below so we can determine if Ms. Soni and Ms. Schall can move on to the illustrious doppelganger page.

sonischall

15
Aug
08

Two Important Slanch Report Items

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Site News

First, next week I will be off in the woods of upstate NY, fortunately though, there is wireless! So, I will be posting but it is likely not be done until the evening as opposed to the morning, so please keep checking back as there WILL be new updates every day, they just may take a little while.

Second, we’ve added a brand new page to our site, honoring the Hot Olympians that we are highlighting. Now, you can go to the page, by clicking that link, the box at the top of the screen or the link in the “pages” widget on the right side of the screen and see all these exquisite specimens of athletic prowess.

Enjoy!

15
Aug
08

Everyone Must Get Estoned

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , , , ,

Jana Kolukanova, 27, swims for the Estonia swim team in the Olympics, although she also attended and swam for Auburn University here in the good ol’ US of A where she was a psychology major, when she’s not doing either of those things she remains incredibly hot. That is TRUE athleticism. So, continuing our Hot Olympic Athlete Of The Day progress, enjoy some of the finer moments with Ms. Jana Kolukanova, who enjoys swimming, thinking about me, and pining for our future together.

15
Aug
08

The Chinese Show Their Sportsmanship

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Douches, Olympics and Soccer
Tags: , , , , ,

52 minutes into their soccer match, Chinese athletics took a sharp nosedive from respectability when Tan Wangsong kicked Belgian soccer player Sebastien Pocognoli directly into the nuts. Apparently Pocognoli’s wang wasn’t enough of a chanteuse for the Chinese and thus this necessary step had to be taken. Wangsong’s was the first of two Chinese red cards in the game, in which they eventually lost, the second coming when the team captain elbowed someone.

These types of incidents are not unknown amongst the Chinese soccer set though, in fact, they are almost common. The Chinese take a lot of pride in soccer, despite their team only qualifying for one World Cup, (Japan/Korea) where they were held without a goal for the entire tournament. After losing to Brazil in an Olympic game, there was a mini-riot outside the stadium until police came and broke it up, so this craziness is not just left to the players on the pitch.

“Most of the men’s soccer players are poorly educated,” Xu Guoqi a professor at Kalamazoo College and author on a book regarding Chinese soccer said, “One soccer player even tried to stab somebody to death in a bar fight.”Among the other poor activities on the men’s soccer team include in March 2007, a former goalkeeper for the national team, Liu Yunfei, being arrested on drug charges. Another goalie, An Qi, was caught with a prostitute in a hotel in 2005. But then again, who amongst us HASN’T been caught with a Chinese prostitute at least once?

15
Aug
08

Manny Ramirez, Still a Prick

By slanch 5 Comments
Categories: Baseball and Douches
Tags: , ,

As soon as Manny joined the Dodgers, manager Joe Torre mentioned to him that he wanted Manny to cut his dreads to conform to Joe’s antiquated ideas of how players should look. Now, I’m not going to go into whether or not Torre should be concerning himself as the look of his players rather than their production on the field–he shouldn’t be, get over it Joe, these are adults and it isn’t 1950, people aren’t wearing derby hats in the stands, let the players look they way they want–so Manny, the consummate teammate and order follower finally listened to Torre and cut his dreads. He had them cut all of an inch at most. What an asshole! I mean, I love it, because why not tweak Joe Torre, but still, that is one of the most petulant things Manny has done, is he going to start flicking Joe’s ears on the bus next? Start kicking Joe’s seat on the team plane? This is just such a ridiculously childish thing for Manny to do, that I’m almost in shock. I get that Manny has no idea what is going on in the world, hell, he’s probably borderline autistic, but Scott Boras should know better and tell Manny that this is NOT the way to go about getting that insane contract that he wants to get.

While I don’t think he’s getting 100 million from anyone, it is possible he could get like 60 million or so from someone, but if he keeps doing little shit like this, essentially just to piss off his manager and employer than he might find his options even more limited.

15
Aug
08

Thank God He Was Caught

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Football and Random
Tags: , , , ,

Herbert Alex Simpson was arrested by federal authorities after trying to blackmail NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin regarding a supposed threesome sex tape that Simpson possessed. Fortunately the authorities were able to stop Simpson before he was able to reveal such an awful tape. Of course, Coughlin denies any such tape ever existing, as do the two women reportedly in it, who were co-workers of Simpson and who also claim to never have even met Coughlin. Sounds like they both protest too much. Regardless, people can say the federal government doesn’t do much for us these days, but this act of heroism to prevent such a tape, were it to exist, from EVER coming to the light is an act of true selflessness and one that I salute. Of course, this is all on the heels of the reported Bill Belichick sex tape which would ALSO be awful for the eyes. I am pretty certain this is a historic off-season, in that it is the first time both Super Bowl head coaches have been linked to sex tapes. Based on the general corpulence and homeliness of the head coaches in the NFL, this is something for which we can all be thankful. I do hear though that the Andy Reid furry video is one for the ages…

14
Aug
08

I Hope He Wins 50 Gold Medals

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Awesome, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: ,

Forget Michael Phelps, everyone else can just pack it in, Australia has the best athlete in all of these games. Ladies and gentleman, I introduce you to Kamikaze, an Australian cyclist. Born James Hildenbrandt, he legally changed his name to Kamikaze. I have no idea if he is a contender of any sorts for any medals but I’m going to say he’s going to dominate and destroy every cycling record that ever existed. Also, when he’s not cycling, Kamikaze is a boilermaker which is totally awesome. You just know that as soon as his events are done Kamikaze is going out on the town and getting rip-roaring drunk, like destructive drunk. We should totally party together. Kamikaze, come to NYC and we’ll have a great time!

14
Aug
08

For the Royals He Isn’t Half Bad

By slanch Leave a Comment
Categories: Baseball
Tags: , , , ,

There are sometimes some very silly bobblehead giveaways, for example, the other night the Dodgers gave out a Joe Beimel bobblehead. Beimel, best known previously for getting drunk before the 2006 playoffs and getting hurt in a bar, thus ending his team’s hopes in the playoffs, was voted to get a bobblehead even before such actual stars like Matt Kemp or Chad Billingsley. These things are all politics.

Sometimes, teams plan bobblehead promotions too far in advance, for example, when the Toronto Blue Jays cut Frank Thomas only days in advance of his bobblehead day, or the Kansas City Royals, who planned a Tony Pena Jr. bobblehead night in the beginning of the season. Only problem is, now, Pena is hitting a robust .160 and lost his starting job long ago to rookie “sensation” Mike Aviles. Because they already planned the night and had the bobbleheads made, the Royals are going through with the promotion which will be held on September 6.

Who knows, maybe between now and then the slick-fielding Pena will suddenly learn to hit and become an unstoppable offensive force, propelling the Royals to AL Central glory, and thus making him worthy of a bobblehead. Or he could languish on the bench for the rest of the season as a defensive replacement and then fade off to obscurity. If I were him, I’d grab a couple of those bobbleheads, methinks there won’t ever be another Tony Pena Jr. day in the big leagues.

“The decision to have a Tony bobblehead promotion was made back in February and March,” Royals vice president of sales and marketing Mark Tilson said, “When you think about the Royals situation back then, Tony was coming off a very good year and was regarded around the league as one of the top defensive shortstops in baseball. There was really no way of anticipating that he wouldn’t be the regular starter now. And when we plan these promotions and carry them out, it’s not really performance based.” Which means that the promotional staff and the scouting staff work off the same idea! Yes! Nailed it!

14
Aug
08

Who Knew Badminton Was So Cute?

By slanch 2 Comments
Categories: Hot Olympic Women, Hot Women, Olympics and Other Sports
Tags: , ,

Tania Luiz, a 25 year old Australian is competing in the badminton event in Beijing, and while my interest in badminton before consisted mainly of being drunk and playing it in my friends’ yards, with or without the proper equipment, now I feel like my interest is growing. Perhaps Tania someday will play with my shuttlecock and whack it around with a racquet. I mean, um, well, sigh, you know what I mean.

When she’s not on the badminton court she’s a student at the Monash University in Victoria, Australia; I need to get back to college so I can go there to study a broad. Unfortunately badminton athletes don’t usually get lots of publicity and so, despite her cuteness, there is a death of quality pictures available online. Hopefully this blog posting will catapault her into the world’s consciousness. Anyway, enjoy Cutie McCuterson Tania Luiz and the photos below as our quest to unearth all the fine athletes of the Beijing games continues.

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