It’s early in the MLB draft and I’ll have semi-liveblogging updates throughout the draft as things come up:
Archive for the 'Baseball' Category
05
Jun
08
BEAT LA!
Here’s a video of a guy running across the field at Fenway; apparently some Lakers fans dared him to do it, and since he was wearing his Celtics jersey, I suppose he felt it was his duty to defend the Celtics honor. I appreciate how far he got, he even nearly got back into the seats, although I don’t think he would have escaped the clutches of the Fenway security forces.
04
Jun
08
Lou Piniella Walks Among Us
Google Maps’ Street view feature has provided a nearly endless stream of interesting and funny pictures, from girls flashing the vans to a drug deal going down, and today, via SportsbyBrooks comes an awesome moment captured forever in Google maps. Driving outside Wrigley the Google vans managed to catch a Cubs celebrity out on the streets; the man, the myth, the legend, Lou Pinella Piniella.
If you type in 3552 N. Clark, Chicago IL 60636, or click here you can check it out yourself. Turns out big Lou is an ordinary man of the streets just like the rest of us. Unfortunately the vans moved on and missed Lou freaking out about a scratch on his car, ripping the car seats out and throwing them into the middle of the road. Ah well. Next time.
04
Jun
08
ESPN Gives Us the Wrong Answers
I love Peter Gammons, I grew up anxiously awaiting his Sunday baseball notes column in the Boston Globe and think he’s the best. When I read his latest blog post, he mentioned how few big leaguers had come from the various first round drafts in the 10 drafts from 1995 to 2004. Now I love all drafts and some of the numbers seemed really interesting and bizarre, so I went and checked them out. It turns out that a lot of Gammons’ numbers were wrong. Once more, I think Gammons is totally boss, therefore, I choose to believe the errors in his latest blog post entitled “Three Draft Questions, Answers” are the fault of someone else at ESPN. (The article is a part of ESPN insider, and if you aren’t a subscriber the stuff I’m referring to is right here and here.)
(Players in parentheses are currently not on MLB rosters but have played in the bigs at some point this or last season and remain on the 40 man rosters)
Gammons says: from the 1997 draft, just 8 first rounders are on MLB teams
In actuality: 10 of the 28 first rounders are currently on big league teams. They are:
JD Drew, Troy Glaus, Jason Grilli, Vernon Wells, Michael Cuddyer, Jon Garland, Lance Berkman, Adam Kennedy, Jayson Werth and Jack Cust
Gammons says: from the 2001 draft, 12 first rounders are on MLB teams
In actuality: 16 of 30 first rounders are on MLB teams, or if you want to not include the troika of Jeremy Sowers, Brad Hennesey and Macay McBride all of whom who have played in the majors but are currently in the minors, than the number would be 13, still different from Gammons’. They are:
Joe Mauer, Mark Prior, Gavin Floyd, Mark Texeira, John Van Benschoten, Chris Burke, Casey Kotchman, Gabe Gross, Aaron Heilman, Mike Fontenot, (Jeremy Sowers, Brad Hennesey, Macay Mcbride,) Bobby Crosby, Jeremy Bonderman, Noah Lowry
Gammons says: from the 2002 draft, 17 first rounders are on MLB teams
In actuality: I have 18 first rounders on teams, but that is including Russ Adams who is not in the majors right now. However, since the numbers haven’t added up any other time not including guys not currently in the majors but who have played within the last year, I’m counting it. The big leaguers are:
BJ Upton, Adam Loewan, Zack Greinke, Prince Fielder, Jeff Francis, Jeremy Hermida, Joe Saunders, Khalil Greene, (Russ Adams,) Scott Kazmir, Nick Swisher, Cole Hamels, Royce Ring, James Loney, Jeremy Guthrie, Jeff Francoeur, Joe Blanton, Matt Cain
Gammons says: From the 2003 first round, 18 players are in the bigs
In actuality: I have 17 and this time without anyone currently not in the majors, although several players are on the DL. The players in the bigs are:
Delmon Young, Rickie Weeks, Nick Markakis, Paul Maholm, John Danks, Ian Stewart, Michael Aubrey, Lastings Milledge, Aaron Hill, Ryan Wagner, Brian Anderson, David Murphy, Conor Jackson, Chad Cordero, David Aardsma, Chad Billingsley, Daric Barton
Gammons says: The 2004 first round has yielded only 7 big leaguers thus far
In actuality: I have 9 big leaguers not counting the 5 once and future big leaguers currently toiling on minor league teams (Humber, Niemann, Sowers, Purcy and Fields). The big leaguers I have are:
Justin Verlander, (Philip Humber, Jeff Niemann, Jeremy Sowers,) Jered Weaver, Bill Bray, Billy Butler, Stephen Drew, (David Purcy, Josh Fields,) Glen Perkins, Phil Hughes, Taylor Tankersley, Blake DeWitt.
Again, I must say that I LOVE Peter Gammons, the highlight of one spring training trip was that he waved to us from about 50 feet away, and I was legitimately excited, like, for an extended period of time. Much more excited, in fact, than when Shea Hillenbrand signed a ball for me. So, therefore, I am blaming the copy editors over at ESPN.Com for putting the wrong information in the boxes. For shame ESPN and not Peter Gammons–who is infallible because he’s fantastic although sometimes he’s been wrong but not this time because it was ESPN and not Gammons’ fault because I love Gammons.
03
Jun
08
Everyone Loves Doppelgangers
We all have a doppelganger somewhere in the world and the danger of the two of you meeting and disrupting the time/space continuum is very real. The worst part is that generally you don’t know whether you, or the other you is the “evil” one. There’s just no way of knowing until you meet, and then of course, black holes are created and universes get sucked into oblivion and no one needs that on their conscience. Well, here are some lookalikes, let’s hope they all never meet one another for our universe’s sake.
If you have any suggestions for future doppelgangers to go here, please send me them here, and I’ll put them up right away!
Take for example, the certain product of a “Twins” like genetic engineering program where Vanilla Ice and former MTV Sports host Dan Cortez’ genetic “material” were combined with a MILF-y mom in order to create Jayson Werth.
In my younger days I used to occasionally watch “Full House,” I did so only for the impeccable writing and comedic talents that were on display. Regardless, the episodes when the Beach Boys would be on were always the best. Commentator Myummers pointed out to me the other night the similarity between now former Mets pitching coach Rick Peterson and Beach Boys bassist Bruce Johnston. You decide for yourself.
Then there is Brent Lillibridge, a star shortstop for the Atlanta Braves AAA team who came up briefly earlier in the season and is likely to become a big-time player at some point in the bigs. Mischa Barton is a Hollywood starlet who loves to puff joints in her car. They also both look like wood elves.
“Good Burger” is a triumph of film making, and Kenan Thompson has gone from Nickelodeon child star to legitimate mainstream “actor,” now entering his 5th season of being generally uninteresting on “Saturday Night Live.” Ryan Howard is an MVP first baseman for the Phillies and an avid Subway sandwiches fan (although I doubt Kenan ever turns down a free sandwich either.) They have never been in the same place at the same time.
Garrett Olson is a pitcher on the Baltimore Orioles, he’s had some ups and downs, one night he is getting his ass handed to him by the Yankees and then the next time he goes 7 dominating innings in the win against the Yankees. Aaron Eckhard is best remembered by me for his tour-de-force in “Deep Blue Sea” the best movie about genetically engineered sharks ever. Brothers?
02
Jun
08
3 Items of Note from the 6th
Last night’s Mets/Dodgers scrum on ESPN was a semi-interesting game, with the Mets showing some signs of life and making a giant leap from where they were last Sunday when rumors swirled that Willie Randolph was about to be axed. During the 6th inning though there were several interesting things of note that came onto the screen, and being a helpful little beaver, I’ve documented them for you.
First, the broadcast showed Kent Desormeaux, the jockey for Big Brown, notice the woman with him.
There is something about her that is slightly off. I think it’s her Sarah Jessica Parker look, and of course we all know that SJP has that horshish look to her. Remember?
All of which means that Kent Desormeaux, a tinyish gentleman who rides equines for a living seems to bring his work home to the bedroom. I hope this is not an isolated incident though. In my dreams all jockeys date horse-like women. Also before every race they all sing Oompah-Loompa songs together.
Then, I looked over Jose Reyes’ shoulder while he stood at the plate and noticed someone in the crowd who looked awfully familiar.
30
May
08
I Know It’s Around Somewhere…
Julian Tavarez was recently unceremoniously dumped by the Red Sox when they designated him for assignment. After no one stepped up to trade for him, he was released and then signed a deal with the Milwaukee Brewers. So far, his tenure there is very similar to his time in his previous homes as well. Case in point, Tavarez won a World Series ring last season with the Sox, and recently said, “I got my World Series last year and now I feel spoiled. I want another one and another one and another one.”
Perhaps he should take better care of the one that he has currently. This story out of Milwaukee reveals that Tavarez isn’t exactly sure what he did with his ring. After the Sox DFA’d him, he apparently left the $20,000 ring in his locker, somewhere. “They’re going to mail it to me, I’m sure,” he told the Capital Times. Great.
I like Tavarez, well, not so much as a player but as a guy I’ve seen on TV and such he seems like a giant goofball who acts instintively and never thinks anything through. Perhaps that’s related to how he never really went to school as a child and has essentially been in an even more arrested state of development than other baseball players. That said, he loves to play baseball and while he’ll do boneheaded plays (like rolling a ball to first or punching a wall and injuring himself) he genuinely seems to enjoy himself out there.
But after having spent his entire career trying to win the World Series you’d think that something like your World Series ring might be a bit more valuable to him and at least he’d have a ROUGH idea of where such a thing might be. Maybe I’m just a silly Sox fan, but if I had a World Series ring I’d know where it was at every moment for the rest of my life.
I think Julian should just take Gagne’s. After all, he DEFINITELY didn’t deserve to get one at all. That would settle it easily.
29
May
08
The Mariners Hate the Gays
According to this article, Seattle has an approximately 12.9% gay population, second only to San Francisco, which makes this story even more ridiculous. Sirbrina Guerrero recently attended a game against the Red Sox at Safeco Field, intending to watch the Mariners continue in their struggle against success. Unfortunately she got a lot more heartache than is normal from a Mariners game.
It seems that Ms. Guerrero is a lesbian, and she attended the game with some friends and her lover, ALSO A LESBIAN! Horror! Even worse, she kissed her LESBIAN LOVER on the lips! The nerve of these people… This disgusting bit of information is not where the story ends though. That’s because a mother sitting behind them saw the two women kiss and was obviously horrified, so she dutifully and properly reported the incident to a security guard.
Siribrina Guerrero is out to convert the world to rampant lesbianism and must be stopped
“And he (the security guard) goes ‘there’s a lady whose son says he saw you guys making out, and I did, too. And you have to stop.’ And I said ‘well, we weren’t making out, but we were kissing and I’m not going to stop,'” said Guerrero. The security guard then said, “The mom doesn’t want to explain to the kids why two girls are kissing.” Guerrero said, “So I said ‘well, I’m not going to stop, so you’ll have to kick me out. So he said ‘so I suggest you leave then.”‘
Who do these lesbians think they are? I mean, in a city where the gay population thrives, haven’t they done enough? I mean, this mother is clearly caring about her children, and the sheer difficulty in trying to explain to her overprotected douchebag kids that two women can be together and love one another and such is simply a burden that shouldn’t be placed upon a parent. After all, if her kids see two women kiss who knows what else it might lead to, maybe her son will become a GAY! That’s how it spreads after all, you see two lesbians kiss and then you get infected and then BAM one day you’re a homo.
This mother just came to the game to try and show her children the joy of America’s pastime but instead was treated to a filth show. I am horrified for her. No one expects to go to a baseball game and see people kissing, least of all the GAYS. We all know that it says somewhere in the Bible that you aren’t supposed to be gay–it makes Jesus and polar bears cry. And polar bears are endangered! I am obviously on the side of this heartbroken mother whose children now know that there exists a chance for them to be happy with whomever they might be attracted to, unlike their father who married their stupid dumb bitch of a mother to cover up his own gay urges; that’s why he is always going up to the attic to read those men’s fitness and muscle magazines in his “special” corner…
After Guerrero was spoken to by the security guard at the game, she went around and took pictures of other couples who kissed but were not reprimanded; those couples were all heterosexual. I’m sure that that mother would agree that Safeco was right in not reprimanding those couples, after all, those people are in LOVE and can get MARRIED and make BABIES, whereas lesbians only want to STEAL babies for their disgusting witch rituals that cause Lillith Fair concerts to spring forth from the ground.
I can only conclude that these two women were viciously making out, probably fingerblasting each other and using things like this while watching Jose Vidro struggle to hit a single.
I mean, because that would be offensive and worthy of being spoken to by security. But according to Guerrero when questioned if she and her date were acting lewd in any way that would have prompted such a firm response from the security guard, Guerrero said, “We were eating garlic fries. The last thing we wanted to do was make out with each other. Honestly, that’s what it was.”
Sure. Just another lesbian lie so they can join with the forces of Satan to try and take away the America that was promised to us all by Jesus. It makes me sad.
UPDATED
The guys over at withleather have done a little bit of investigation on my story and Sirbrina Guerrero is also going to be a contestant on the upcoming Tila Tequila “reality” dating show on MTV and is on the cover of some magazine here, although that doesn’t take away from the idiocy of the Safeco security guards.
Carlos Guillen is a personal fantasy baseball favorite of mine. The erstwhile shortstop/first baseman for the Detroit Tigers is an excellent source of high average, home runs and even some occasional steals for my various teams. The first time I ever had him on a team, it was way back in 2004, life was great and my friend, frustrated with lack of production and a poor playing Tigers team, dropped him outright. A few days later, needing a middle infielder, I picked up Guillen. Together with my pickup of Victor Martinez off the waiver wire, I rode their collective stellar stats to a third-place finish, it was awesome.
Since then, I have had Carlos Guillen on my team every year but 2005, I like everything he brings to the table, a .300 plus average, 20 HRs and near 100 RBI and runs, he even used to be a pretty good fielding shortstop, although some injuries have hampered his range in the last year or so, hence the initial move this year to first. Unfortunately for the Tigers, they weren’t expecting Miguel Cabrera to instantly become StoneHands over at third and so they were forced to switch Guillen back across the diamond.
This year, Guillen has been OK, he started out the season super hot, even though the rest of the Tigers struggled but he has since cooled down some, particularly after the position switch. Then, last night I was perusing the game story for the Tigers game, as I am wont to do, and noticed this little throwaway line: “Leyland said Carlos Guillen has been shifted from 3B to DH because Guillen has a bad case of hemorrhoids. Guillen made two errors in the opening game of the three-game set in Anaheim. Inge started at third Tuesday. …”
I know that baseball players are used to being in the spotlight and having fans knowing lots about their lives, but I think we can all agree that we don’t need to know about this. According to Wikipedia, “Hemorrhoids are actually the anatomical term for ‘Cushions of tissue filled with blood vessels at the junction of the rectum and the anus.'” Yum! Now I know all about Carlos’ ass cushions!
You have to believe that only a manager like Jim Leyland would have said this in a press conference, he doesn’t give a fuck about anything and he probably was trying to light a fire under his players’ asses. For Leyland who is old-school, you play no matter what, and you don’t let any bullshit excuses get in the way. That’s part of the reason why he’s been so successful and why players like to play for him. Of course, it’s also probably why Leyland smokes three packs a day…
So, anyways, Guillen now joins Kaz Matsui on the anal injury list of 2008, I can only look forward to Robinson Cano’s upcoming torn rectum injury sustained while Jeter tries “everything possible to bust out of his slump.”
27
May
08
MLB Wants Your Lunch Money Too
Baseball is awesome, we’re agreed on this. However, MLB: you need to stop being a giant douchebag of a corporation. The latest example is a Little League in Tinley Park, Illinois that was recently sent a cease-and-desist letter threatening a lawsuit if the league didn’t remove all MLB team names from the uniforms of the kids. It seems that for MLB, the fact that these freeloading little kids wanted to have their team names be things like the Phillies or the Cubs is absolutely ridiculous. They should be paying MLB thousands of dollars instead, obviously!
For Dave Glenn, the man responsible for making the Tinley Park uniforms, this whole situation is ludicrous. “Does a league have a right to name a local team? Baseball is saying no. That’s flying in the face of 100 years of tradition. I go out of my way to make sure we use town names, so we make it clear this isn’t a major league jersey. Now we’re told we can’t even do that. What it boils down to is the interpretation of the trademark.”
In 1992 MLB as an enterprise made approximately $1.2 billion in profits, last year they made over $6 billion, so I can certainly understand the absolutely inherent need for such lucrative moneymaking machines like Little League to start paying thousands and thousands of dollars for licensing fees. I mean, Bud Selig did only make $14.5 million last year and he probably is in the midst of a making a certain part of his body something respectable, and that kind of work simply doesn’t come cheap.
“Soon it will be THIS big!”
TThere is simply no way that Bud can be kept in all his various pills and prescriptions unless these dastardly thieving little piss-ants are crushed. After all, who needs little kids to like baseball? I mean why would MLB want to attract little kids to become life-long fans of the game? That seems like a poor waste of resources. It seems like MLB is going out of their way to push kids away from the game and towards the NFL. All the playoff games go super late now, often not ending before midnight, during the week, which means that most kids can’t stay up and see them, thus taking the games that are on the biggest stage and making them completely inaccessible to the youngest subset of fans.
But who needs little kids? After all, MLB has record attendance figures, people aren’t staying away from the game, so to MLB the chance to screw some small-town folk is just a fine way to spend an afternoon. For the kids of Tinley Park though, now they can’t go up to bat pretending to be Derrek Lee or Carlos Quentin. They can’t stare down from the mound channeling their inner Cole Hamels or Jamie Moyer (god I hope little kids pretend to be Jamie Moyer). When they make a great diving stop they can’t imagine that for a moment they know what it feels like to be Asdrubal Cabrera.
A solution may have been found, according to Steve Bowles, the league president, “We can’t have a (Major League) team name or logo on the uniform unless we buy it from Majestic. When we did a cost comparison of what we had versus that, we can’t do it for the same price. We were going to look at college names, because the licensing [cost] is different. We looked at names like the Fighting Irish and the Trojans, etc. About a third of the parents really didn’t mind the college names.”
23
May
08
Jeter, Keep it in your Pants
Derek Jeter is a well-renowned cocksman, he has bedded 6 of Maxim’s Hottest 100 Women, amongst his many other conquests (cough, cough Robinson Cano…) not to mention he is grossly overpaid and has made millions and millions of dollars as a professional baseball player and 4-time World Champion.
So, Derek, you’ve already had Jessica Alba, you’ve already had ScarJo, I beseech you, please stop stealing my fantasy women. The latest, is a rumor reported in the NY Post that he may be getting involved with Minka Kelly. For those of you not familiar with the uber-hot Minka, check out the photos below. 
Minka is one of the stars of Friday Night Lights, a show whose first season is one of the best things I have ever enjoyed on television, although the second season left a lot to be desired. However, that wasn’t Minka’s fault. Also, her Dad is Rick Dufay a former guitarist with Aerosmith, so that’s pretty cool too.
All I can do is hope that Jeter isn’t spreading his oats with her because he’s already despoiled too many of my dream women and I don’t know if I could take any more losses. Derek, you’ve had enough! Isn’t it enough that you have three Gold Glove awards and you are one of the worst fielding shortstops in the Majors? How many more trophies must you lock up? Leave Minka alone, because I’m pretty sure she’d be totally into me. I mean, she once dated John Mayer and he’s a total douchebag, and I’m a nice guy, so therefore she’d be down with me.
Call me!
And because why not, here are a slew of pictures of the future Mrs. Slanch after the jump.
(h/t to Big League Stew for the Jeter collage) Continue reading ‘Jeter, Keep it in your Pants’
In last night’s game against the woeful San Diego Padres, Albert Pujols made it his business to ensure the Padres will remain in last place for the present and seemingly the rest of the season as well. That’s because in the third inning, off #2 starter Chris Young, Pujols hit a sharp liner right back at Young, breaking his nose instantly and knocking him onto his ass. With ace Jake Peavy placed on the DL only yesterday, this does not bode well for the Padres whose sole strength has been their pitching. Pujols however was not finished. Later in the third, while attempting to score from second, he slid into home plate twisting catcher Josh Bard’s ankle awkwardly and he was forced to leave the game as well. Both are likely to go onto the DL today.
After the game Pujols appeared contrite, but the damage was done. Now the Padres are going to be missing their top two pitchers and their starting catcher. For a team who scuffles to ever score any runs and whose pitching must dominate in order for them to have any chance whatsoever, this is not a good sign. Next up for Pujols is the dismantling of the Los Angeles Dodgers, expect Brad Penny to have his arm broken when Pujols rockets one into Penny’s shoulder.
The Slanch Report 
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